Why is confidence so sexy?

[Dblock10]

confidence just means not giving a monkey as to what anyone else thinks..

[gamma1]

Really? I disagree.

 

Ladies ever get this phone call?

 

The first call sounds like me on the phone and I stop after one phone message. I plan on what I want to say, write it down, repeat it in my head, but get overly nervous and it comes out like that.

 

It only happens this badly the first time I call a new woman.

Edited August 4, 2010 by gamma1

[EasyHeart]

I think zengirl and Fellin' Frisky described it pretty well. I'll just add that being attracted to confident people isn't gender specific. I think most men (especially confident men) are attracted to confident women. Confidence is one aspect of self-esteem, and generally people with high self-esteem are attracted to others with high self-esteem.

 

The big problem to me is identifying confident people, because so many people fake it. In fact, if you read any self-help books, a whole industry has developed to teach people how to fake confidence -- not how to develop it, but how to FAKE it. So there are lots and lots of insecure people out there pretending to have confidence, and it takes some time to see through the charade.

 

Lack of self-confidence can manifest itself in different ways, too. Several people have mentioned men who boast or are macho as actually being insecure and needy, and they're right. Women can be the same way. Some women act very full of themselves and even b*tchy in order to cover up their insecurities (and often claiming that men are intimidated by them because they are so 'strong and confident'). Other women act very sexual in order to cover up their insecurities, especially about their appearance ("He wants to screw me, so I must be pretty!").

 

So I think it goes both ways. Men and women are both attracted to confident people. But defining 'confidence' can be difficult because there are so many insecure people out there pretending to be confident instead of doing the hard work necessary to become confident.

[zengirl]

The big problem to me is identifying confident people, because so many people fake it. In fact, if you read any self-help books, a whole industry has developed to teach people how to fake confidence -- not how to develop it, but how to FAKE it. So there are lots and lots of insecure people out there pretending to have confidence, and it takes some time to see through the charade.

 

......

 

So I think it goes both ways. Men and women are both attracted to confident people. But defining 'confidence' can be difficult because there are so many insecure people out there pretending to be confident instead of doing the hard work necessary to become confident.

 

Goodness, I just said almost the exact same thing about these pop psychology fads elsewhere on this board, but not nearly this well. Thank you! I hate that crap. It's like crutches to get people to stay unhealthy.

[Sphere]

Goodness, I just said almost the exact same thing about these pop psychology fads elsewhere on this board, but not nearly this well. Thank you! I hate that crap. It's like crutches to get people to stay unhealthy.

 

If you take these guides at anything other than face value which is what you are advised to do.

 

After reading The Book of Pook about four years ago, it didn't suddenly make me change myself, it took a few years afterwards for that transition to happen. I didn't read the book and think "Yes, this will be easy", it took time and effort to improve every aspect of my life, but it was that guide that I read that transformed me from what I was an AFC to a much better, alround man.

 

There's still room for improvement, but my confidence is not fake, my confidence comes from being comfortable with who I am and what I am, not caring what others think and it comes from being happy in life.

 

Sorry to disappoint you though Zengirl, I know how much you like to analyze men like me and try and do a hatchet job on us on a daily basis, warning your fellow females that we aren't what we seem, but we are. What you see with me is what you'll get. Some women like it and some don't, that's the art of the human perference.

[MrNate]

@zen: I'm perfectly healthy, so please don't read too much into what I wrote. I think you got what I'm trying to say though.

 

@everyone else: I guess confidence can be a tad hard to understand as why this particular trait is more attractive than others. But maybe this trait brings out other positive traits?

Edited August 4, 2010 by MrNate

[donnamaybe]

Confidence suggests a healthy mental state.

 

And let's not confuse arrogance for confidence.

[zengirl]

Mr.Nate, I went into so much detail precisely because I didn't think you meant it to sound as unhealthy as it potentially could. But the sentence just stood out.

 

There's still room for improvement, but my confidence is not fake, my confidence comes from being comfortable with who I am and what I am, not caring what others think and it comes from being happy in life.

 

Sorry to disappoint you though Zengirl, I know how much you like to analyze men like me and try and do a hatchet job on us on a daily basis, warning your fellow females that we aren't what we seem, but we are. What you see with me is what you'll get. Some women like it and some don't, that's the art of the human perference.

 

I think you are exactly what you seem, and in dealing with you have only ever pointed out exactly what you seem to be, if that's what you're referring to. (No one really has to go into much depth to analyze you so far as I can see. Just read a few posts.) I truly do believe what one sees with you is what one gets.

 

That is true with many things that are not particularly good, though.

[phineas]

I must be the opposite. Super confidence turns me off. As does super insecurity. I need a guy who is reasonably confident, but still has some vulnerability and weakness.

 

If a guy is "too smooth", warning bells go off in my head right away.

 

I've noticed this.

Acting super confident (jerk) draws in the bigger better deal type of woman. (low quality) but usually REALLY hot & fast to have sex.

As soon as I dropped the act they lost interest & jumped to another jerk.

 

I really wasn't confident. I was just burned by a cheating wife & just didn't care whether a woman liked me or not.

 

Right now, my confidence is fairly high. I want a woman. A good woman, but I don't need one & i'd rather stay single than waste my time with someone I know I wouldn't want a long term relationship with.

[espec10001]

Confidence, in my experience, is gained by doing something over and over again until it becomes second nature and you don't have to think about doing it. For example, if you practice painting for a long time, and that is your main focus, after a few years of serious painting you will be confident in your painting ability (you won't question it or think about it). You just DO it.

 

Confidence is the result of lots of practice, in ANYTHING. Dating, sports, writing, conversation, anything.

[donnamaybe]

I've noticed this.

Acting super confident (jerk) draws in the bigger better deal type of woman. (low quality) but usually REALLY hot & fast to have sex.

As soon as I dropped the act they lost interest & jumped to another jerk..

Again, that isn't confidence. It's arrogance.

[Sphere]

 

That is true with many things that are not particularly good, though.

 

That's true in some cases, but men like myself actually have a deep respect and admiration for women, we just accept that women are not the centre piece of our lives. I could live without a woman, she is not a necessity to me, she isn't something I need. If I'm with a woman it's because I want to be with her, not because I need to be with her, not because she is a trophy on my arm to show off my "status", but because I want to be with her.

 

You and Sassy seem to want to control a man, you seem to expect that a man treats you like a princess and caters to your every whim. Yet on the same token you want equality in a relationship and you want a shared Universe which is essentially speak for "I want to control my man's world, by being the centre of it". You and Sassy have both shoved your own warped idea of what a relationship should be like onto me which I find amusing.

[donnamaybe]

That's true in some cases, but men like myself actually have a deep respect and admiration for women, we just accept that women are not the centre piece of our lives. I could live without a woman, she is not a necessity to me, she isn't something I need. If I'm with a woman it's because I want to be with her, not because I need to be with her, not because she is a trophy on my arm to show off my "status", but because I want to be with her.

This is exactly how I feel about "having a man."

 

Good for you!

[phineas]

Again, that isn't confidence. It's arrogance.

 

In my case it wasn't arrogance or confidence because I was just "acting" like that.

It was me after being burned by a cheating wife.

Not like that anymore at all.

[Sphere]

This is exactly how I feel about "having a man."

 

Good for you!

 

It's the way it should be, a woman or a man should be an addition to your life, a much welcome and much valued addition. Yet despite this belief, Zengirl and several others brand me a jerk, seemingly because I'm independently minded, confident and someone who is very forthright with his views.

 

It's not my fault that there are some women who demand to be the centre peice of every mans world and who take exception when I refuse to put up with it.

[espec10001]

In addition to "Confidence is the result of practice", the reason this is considered sexy is because it signals a high level of passion. What else is more sexy than someone with a high level of passion?

 

If you witness a person in doing something he/she is good at, or converse with them and they are passionate in their manner, this is the turn on, the fire inside of every one of us that is shining through.

[donnamaybe]

In my case it wasn't arrogance or confidence because I was just "acting" like that.

It was me after being burned by a cheating wife.

Not like that anymore at all.

 

Awwww.... Glad you're feeling better though.

 

Yeah, when it's a lifelong personality trait, it is DEFINITELY arrogance.

[zengirl]

That's true in some cases, but men like myself actually have a deep respect and admiration for women, we just accept that women are not the centre piece of our lives. I could live without a woman, she is not a necessity to me, she isn't something I need. If I'm with a woman it's because I want to be with her, not because I need to be with her, not because she is a trophy on my arm to show off my "status", but because I want to be with her.

 

You and Sassy seem to want to control a man, you seem to expect that a man treats you like a princess and caters to your every whim. Yet on the same token you want equality in a relationship and you want a shared Universe which is essentially speak for "I want to control my man's world, by being the centre of it". You and Sassy have both shoved your own warped idea of what a relationship should be like onto me which I find amusing.

 

This is so silly. I can live without a man too, and am doing so at present because I consciously acknowledge that choice and put other priorities ahead of finding some random place-filler man, but I'm not going to be so limiting and egoistic as you with the people who are actually in my life. It's what you've said in countless other posts that makes me (and others) call you out on the egoism.

 

I don't care what kind of relationships you should have. I've no interest in your personal affairs at all. I mostly think you act unhealthy for writing things like "Shut your mouth" repeatedly in angry torrents on the message boards and your need for control in the world.

 

I think there are all kinds of relationships that work. I think people acting from their egos and needs for control cause most of the problems (not just dating) in the world. That's my worldview, sure. I don't know if I "push" that on people; I certainly assert it and see what shakes out of them. Usually, it's either agreement or anger.

 

I've never stated anything that would lead one to believe I want to control a man or have one cater to my every whim. I do expect a man treat me with respect and as a partner. At any rate, that has nothing to do with confidence, really, so it's the last I'll say on unrelated matters in this thread. I don't know why you have some kind of warped need to bring this same conversation from Sassy's thread up all the time or paint me as someone who wants to control you. I've no interest in what you do, except to comment on it and say what I see, because you happen to be saying it here in the place I comment at present. Really, I don't care what you do.

Edited August 4, 2010 by zengirl

[bac]

Mostly because you are dating in the USA. Confidence is a single most important value in all areas of American culture and life. It is a social must if you are at work, at school, and any place where you communicate with other people. It is a specific feature of the USA culture.

[carhill]

Confidence suggests a healthy mental state.

 

And let's not confuse arrogance for confidence.

What's interesting, IME, regarding the successful and confident men I know, none raise a stir when they enter the room but, somehow, everyone seems to know them. When they talk 'shop' with new people, they share interesting nuances of projects they're working on and are interested in the same in the person they're talking with.

 

My post was interrupted by a couple of explosions outside which turned out to be 12KV fuses on the main power line blowing. I checked for a grass fire (had those in the past, but none this time), switched off the main, cross-connected to the shop power, and now I'm back online. Took about five minutes. The cat was more excited than I was . Perhaps not 'sexy', but planning for such contingencies, in this case over 20 years ago, makes life relatively routine. That's one definition of confidence. YMMV, and a woman's perception of what confidence is varies widely, IME. It's another part of compatibility. Stbx apparently never saw those qualities in myself as being confident. Bad match.

[gamma1]

That's true in some cases, but men like myself actually have a deep respect and admiration for women, we just accept that women are not the centre piece of our lives.

 

You and Sassy seem to want to control a man, you seem to expect that a man treats you like a princess and caters to your every whim. Yet on the same token you want equality in a relationship and you want a shared Universe which is essentially speak for "I want to control my man's world, by being the centre of it". You and Sassy have both shoved your own warped idea of what a relationship should be like onto me which I find amusing.

 

Let us see how much respct for women you have.

 

A woman can work, just not when she is raising a family.

 

Mother nature didn't intend for you to sit in the CEO office of Microsoft. Mother nature intended you to rear children.

 

I can find plenty more where these came from.

 

You just can't stand a smart woman with her own ideas, can you?

 

A smart and successful woman who can think for herself like the ones you can't stand is the most desirable type of woman to me.

[sally4sara]

I've given this some thought and I began to wonder what is it about confidence that is so attractive?

 

What makes this trait stand out from other such attention grabbing traits such as bravery, physical strength, passion, etc.?

 

I guess in terms of women and men, obviously women value this as a higher priority than men do in terms of attraction (a lot of males really value looks). I know personally, even if a woman was as confident as I don't know what towards me, her looks will carry greater weight.

 

What say you? What do you think makes confidence so alluring?

 

Men value confidence in women as well. Perhaps some don't think about it enough to verbalize what it is they like, but it was something I figured out pretty young.

I've looked pretty much the same my whole life. If I were to show you 100 pics of 2 year old kids with one of my own in them - you'd know who I was immediately. I am, and have been for most of my life, considered attractive.

Yet who I was in 4-6 grade was quite often called "ugly" by school mates. I carried myself as though I were ugly because I'd heard my SF call me that for so long. My mother and he divorced early into my 5th grade year.

We moved right after my 6th grade year. I'd been the ugly duck at one school and then 3 months later, I was at a different school and getting so much attention in the first few weeks I didn't know what to think! Of course, I still lacked confidence so my shine wore off in a month. But it did get the gears moving in my head. "If I'm so ugly - why didn't they see it immediately?"

Luckily, we only lived there long enough for our house to be built so a year later I was at another school. And the realization that how one carried themselves effects how they are seen helped a lot. No one has thought of me as ugly since. I get my way; bet on it.

 

It is about the hesitations a lack of confidence causes that is so unattractive. All those missed chances being so obviously about their lack of confidence. It resonates through every aspect of their life. A person with no confidence will not ask someone out (hell! won't act even when they are asked out), will not seek that promotion or job, will not ever see to it that one of their "wildest dreams" becomes real. They will be more likely to drift; life just happening to them rather than making life happen. That is not attractive.

[gamma1]

I don't care what kind of relationships you should have. I've no interest in your personal affairs at all. I mostly think you act unhealthy for writing things like "Shut your mouth" repeatedly in angry torrents on the message boards and your need for control in the world.

I wonder how often he tells woman that in real life.

[Sphere]

I wonder how often he tells woman that in real life.

 

If there is argument happening then I will use it, I hardly think telling someone to shut up is the worst thing you can say to someone and you have deliberately taken my quotes of context. I never said that women shouldn't or couldn't be CEO's of Microsoft. I said that nature intended for the man to be the hunter, the protector and the gatherer and women were the homemakers and child rearers, I never said that should go on and I never said that a woman shouldn't have a fulfilling and successful career. Anyway, enough of that.

 

Tell me Gamma1, what makes a man confident and why are women turned on by a confident man? Enlighten me since you seem to be a hit with women.

[donnamaybe]

Let us see how much respct for women you have.

Originally Posted by Sphere

A woman can work, just not when she is raising a family.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sphere

Mother nature didn't intend for you to sit in the CEO office of Microsoft. Mother nature intended you to rear children.

 

I can find plenty more where these came from.

 

You just can't stand a smart woman with her own ideas, can you?

 

A smart and successful woman who can think for herself like the ones you can't stand is the most desirable type of woman to me.

Oooo, missed these.

 

Thanks for pointing out the hypocrisy, Gamma.