tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 No matter how much some people may feel they want a committed relationship, they still may not be ready for it, and that may be why they continually pick people who wouldn't be good long-term partners for them. Thoughts?
SassyKitten Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 One thing that I think is the kiss of death for me in my relationships is that I am so eager for a committed relationship that I tend to overlook signs of incompatibility, and then blame it on emotional attachment.
Author tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Yeah, I've done that too. But I've realized once and for all that I just am. not. ready. period. for a full-on relationship. I never really was. I don't know when I ever will be. And I'm finally okay with that.
SassyKitten Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I am ready for a full-blown relationship, but only with the right person. And I have unconventional needs, so the right person is extremely rare. This is where cultivating patience comes in, as it could easily take me upwards of another 5 years of searching in order to find what I'm looking for. Meanwhile, the huge predicament I'm in is if I'm equipped to handle short term relationships to hold me over. I really don't know if that's something I'm capable of.
espec10001 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 It's like 2 opposite ends pulling at each other, no? On one end we want a relationship and we're all looking for true love, and on the other our desire to be independent and not have to answer to anyone. I dunno, some days I really want a girlfriend. I look at others in relationships and I want it. Other days I'm glad I'm single. A part of me wants to be in a relationship, and a part of me doesn't.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 No matter how much some people may feel they want a committed relationship, they still may not be ready for it, and that may be why they continually pick people who wouldn't be good long-term partners for them. Thoughts? I think I belong in that category (even though I am 31).
Phateless Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 One thing that I think is the kiss of death for me in my relationships is that I am so eager for a committed relationship that I tend to overlook signs of incompatibility, and then blame it on emotional attachment. I think I do that too, which doesn't make sense because I usually have a ball when I'm single.
meerkat stew Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 The greater problem I've experienced is a difference of timetable rather than end goal. Friends of mine have joked that people come on a first date with a loaded U-haul these days, and there seems to be some truth to that. Technology can cause young relationships to move along too quickly for the emotional underpinnings to keep up, fracture lines and eventual breakage is usually the result. Then we admit to each other, "we went too fast," and then go right out and repeat the same mistake.
Phateless Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 The greater problem I've experienced is a difference of timetable rather than end goal. Friends of mine have joked that people come on a first date with a loaded U-haul these days, and there seems to be some truth to that. Technology can cause young relationships to move along too quickly for the emotional underpinnings to keep up, fracture lines and eventual breakage is usually the result. Then we admit to each other, "we went too fast," and then go right out and repeat the same mistake. You mean with texting, emails, facebook, etc? You're both flying high with the new connection and talk all the time and burn out too quick?
flying Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 You mean with texting, emails, facebook, etc? You're both flying high with the new connection and talk all the time and burn out too quick? Heh, I initially interpreted the "loaded U-Haul" as meaning bringing along one's baggage, but now I think he must have meant ready to move in, pronto. It's true that all the different, 24/7 ways of being in contact constantly can lead to early burnout.
Author tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Heh, I initially interpreted the "loaded U-Haul" as meaning bringing along one's baggage, but now I think he must have meant ready to move in, pronto. It's true that all the different, 24/7 ways of being in contact constantly can lead to early burnout. Yeah, definitely. I've had that happen to myself and it's happened to a bunch of friends of mine. I don't need to talk to someone I'm with every day on the phone/online. And I hate texting. I'd rather maximize the time we have physically in each other's presence.
Phateless Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Heh, I initially interpreted the "loaded U-Haul" as meaning bringing along one's baggage, but now I think he must have meant ready to move in, pronto. It's true that all the different, 24/7 ways of being in contact constantly can lead to early burnout. lol, yeah I think that's what he meant. Yeah, definitely. I've had that happen to myself and it's happened to a bunch of friends of mine. I don't need to talk to someone I'm with every day on the phone/online. And I hate texting. I'd rather maximize the time we have physically in each other's presence. Agree with you, but it's easy to fall prey to constant communication when you're excited about someone, especially if you don't have the option of seeing them every day. Webcam can be a blessing and a curse in that situation.
Author tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 lol, yeah I think that's what he meant. Agree with you, but it's easy to fall prey to constant communication when you're excited about someone, especially if you don't have the option of seeing them every day. Webcam can be a blessing and a curse in that situation. Yes, I'm with you on this too. I've had a few short-lived "relationships" where there was some distance, we couldn't see each other more than a couple times a week, and so we fell prey to talking nearly every day when we were apart, etc. It creates this false intimacy.
Shakz Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Yes, I'm with you on this too. I've had a few short-lived "relationships" where there was some distance, we couldn't see each other more than a couple times a week, and so we fell prey to talking nearly every day when we were apart, etc. It creates this false intimacy. False intimacy. This is the problem. It isn't only LDR's. It's everybody, all the time.
Phateless Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Yes, I'm with you on this too. I've had a few short-lived "relationships" where there was some distance, we couldn't see each other more than a couple times a week, and so we fell prey to talking nearly every day when we were apart, etc. It creates this false intimacy. Until one person starts to lose interest and communication drops off... then the other person gets all insecure and it falls apart and eventually ends.
Kamille Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I tend toward the commitment-phobe section of the spectrum. I don't get why either. Maybe it's because my parents weren't great role models. They did and still do absolutely everything together and they fought a lot. I came to the realization recently that I was never allowed to express anger while growing up. I have little conflict-resolution skills and I carry that over in a relationship. It's often way easier for me to bail on someone than to just be honest with them about my needs. The fact that I can't be upfront about my needs mean that... well... hey, I'm a commitmentphobe. Also, I sabotage my relationships by looking for "easy outs". With current bf, my easy-out was his workaholism, the one before that his alcoholism, etc. In all of these, I used those negative aspects of the relationship to avoid having to stand up for myself in the relationship. As in: say I feel devalued in the relationship. This is a situation where I would have to stand my ground and speak for myself right? Instead of doing this though, I would start to focus on the "easy out" and pick fights about that instead of my actual issue.
Author tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 I tend toward the commitment-phobe section of the spectrum. I don't get why either. Maybe it's because my parents weren't great role models. They did and still do absolutely everything together and they fought a lot. I came to the realization recently that I was never allowed to express anger while growing up. I have little conflict-resolution skills and I carry that over in a relationship. It's often way easier for me to bail on someone than to just be honest with them about my needs. The fact that I can't be upfront about my needs mean that... well... hey, I'm a commitmentphobe. Also, I sabotage my relationships by looking for "easy outs". With current bf, my easy-out was his workaholism, the one before that his alcoholism, etc. In all of these, I used those negative aspects of the relationship to avoid having to stand up for myself in the relationship. As in: say I feel devalued in the relationship. This is a situation where I would have to stand my ground and speak for myself right? Instead of doing this though, I would start to focus on the "easy out" and pick fights about that instead of my actual issue. This is pretty much exactly what I do. As soon as something goes really wrong, I hardly give it a second thought--I'm just out. I don't care about trying to work it out or whatever. I say "I'm not getting what I want/need, I'm outta here" while I never really asserted my wants/needs in the relationship in the first place. I don't have very good conflict resolution skills either.
meerkat stew Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 You mean with texting, emails, facebook, etc? You're both flying high with the new connection and talk all the time and burn out too quick? Yes, back in the days of landlines only and expensive long distance, I hardly ever experienced the "too fast/too hot" problems of today. Have had a series of relationships fail because I wasn't ready to go "all in" after a single month of dating and begin planning the future together. It takes several months to get to know someone, maybe even years, and the illusion of intimacy that technology and fast sex create impedes that process unduly. As far as the U-haul joke, it was meant as "ready to move in" but the "bringing baggage along" is apt and funny also.
threebyfate Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 This is pretty much exactly what I do. As soon as something goes really wrong, I hardly give it a second thought--I'm just out. I don't care about trying to work it out or whatever. I say "I'm not getting what I want/need, I'm outta here" while I never really asserted my wants/needs in the relationship in the first place. I don't have very good conflict resolution skills either. Is this commitment phobia or is it fear of loss combined with higher expectations of partners than self?
Author tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Is this commitment phobia or is it fear of loss combined with higher expectations of partners than self? It's commitment phobia combined with a desire to always have the upper hand. I don't really have a fear of loss. It's more a fear of vulnerability.
threebyfate Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 It's commitment phobia combined with a desire to always have the upper hand. I don't really have a fear of loss. It's more a fear of vulnerability.So the reason you won't express your needs is because you don't want to come across as needy/vulnerable. Is this accurate?
Serenitynow Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I agree 100%. Too many people jump into relationships because they are lonely, insecure, want sex, etc, etc, etc. They ignore signs or red flags because they just want to be with someone so bad. Every girl I have dated, has turned into a long term relationship. Maybe I have a knack for reading people and knowing if we click, who knows. None of my relationships have been anywhere near the drama/circus events that I read on here with a lot of people. .
Author tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 So the reason you won't express your needs is because you don't want to come across as needy/vulnerable. Is this accurate? Being vulnerable is something that I've despised for as long as I can remember. I feel like I can't/don't want to trust anyone else but myself to satisfy my needs. As soon as I put anything like that into anyone else's hands, it's like, there goes my control. There goes my power. Hmm. I guess you could say I have a fear of loss, but it's about losing power, and not the person. I've ruined past liaisons before because I like having the upper hand more than I like having the person around.
threebyfate Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Being vulnerable is something that I've despised for as long as I can remember. I feel like I can't/don't want to trust anyone else but myself to satisfy my needs. As soon as I put anything like that into anyone else's hands, it's like, there goes my control. There goes my power. Hmm. I guess you could say I have a fear of loss, but it's about losing power, and not the person. I've ruined past liaisons before because I like having the upper hand more than I like having the person around.I can push you deeper, if you're open to it. If not, that's okay too.
Author tigressA Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 I can push you deeper, if you're open to it. If not, that's okay too. I'm more than open to it. Push me into the deep end! I never really learned how to swim, but that's okay.
Recommended Posts