critique my OKCupid profile!

[shadowplay]

I'm not going to post a link to it, but I'll paste its content here. Bear in mind that this is just a rough draft I started the other day, so it needs a lot of work. Also more fleshing out in places. Any and all feedback is welcome. Thanks!

 

I'm female, mid twenties btw.

 

About me:

 

I'm shy on the surface, but talkative once you get to know me. I spend a lot of time watching, talking and reading about movies. I'd describe myself as a cultural sponge in that I'm happy spending hours a day absorbing new art, books, music. I sometimes relate better to guys because of the analytical way that I'm wired (have been told I'm a natural lawyer), but I also have a strongly intuitive side. I'm fascinated by people and frequently try to understand human nature. Since I was a child I've been filling sketchbooks with drawings of faces. I also have a goofy side that comes out when I've known somebody for awhile.

 

Because I have a lot of interests, one of my biggest challenges as an adult has been choosing a focus. I often wish there were more hours in the day, so I could pursue multiple careers and hone different talents.

 

What I'm doing with my life:

 

Finishing up school and then pursuing my dream to be a filmmaker. Both documentary and narrative filmmaking interest me, and I could see myself going in either direction or some mixture of the two.

 

What I'm good at:

 

-I have a nearly photographic memory for faces, but I'm awful with names.

 

-drawing

 

-understanding what makes different people tick.

 

Six things I could never do without (only done four so far):

 

pastries (cupcakes especially)

a cat in my life

Command-Z

good conversation

Favorite books, movies:

Books:

"Of Human Bondage" by Somerset Maugham

"Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov

"Dubliners" by James Joyce

"Survival in Auschwitz" by Primo Levi

 

Movies:

Blade Runner, La strada, Badlands, Groundhog Day, The Conversation, The Tenant, Spoorloos, Casablanca, Woman in the Dunes, Stand by Me, Alien, The Shining, Chinatown, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Five Easy Pieces, What Happened Was, The Graduate, Manhattan, Koyaanisqatsi, Solaris, Brazil, Ordinary People, Au hasard Balthazar, Vivre sa vie, Carnival of Souls, A Streetcar Named Desire, After Hours, Raging Bull, American Graffiti, Being There, Heathers, Dazed and Confused

Edited July 31, 2010 by shadowplay

[Feelin Frisky]

Dump the cat and you have a deal.

[shadowplay]

Dump the cat and you have a deal.

 

But then I'm not weeding out people who hate cats!

[MisUnderstanding]

Your profile is definitely catchy. It has a personal touch, something people can connect with. I would finish the list of six though, otherwise call it a list of four

[Feelin Frisky]

But then I'm not weeding out people who hate cats!

 

My response endorsed everything else you said. So please take it as an approval of your attributes and that I find them well stated. I just personally don't like animals in or around my domicile. (I startle easy and don't like cleaning up after pain in the azz pets much less have them sneaking up on me.)

[molimo140]

Your profile sounds very honest and is worded well.

 

I've never entered the whole online dating sphere, but I'd probably send you a message

[zengirl]

Keep in mind I'm fairly sure lots of guys barely read your profile (except maybe to pick out one or two things to talk about in the message if they're smart, but they skim straight to "favorites" or something) until after you've written them back, if ever.

 

Also, I used to edit advertising and articles for a living. I'm a bit picky with writing. Nothing I mention is particularly glaring.

 

I'm shy on the surface, but talkative once you get to know me. I spend a lot of time watching, talking and reading about movies. I'd describe myself as a cultural sponge in that I'm happy spending hours a day absorbing new art, books, music. I sometimes relate better to guys because of the analytical way that I'm wired (have been told I'm a natural lawyer), but I also have a strongly intuitive side. I'm fascinated by people and frequently try to understand human nature. Since I was a child I've been filling sketchbooks with drawings of faces. I also have a goofy side that comes out when I've known somebody for awhile.

 

1.) You come across as strongly introverted here. (I'm thinking about how it combines with the pictures you mentioned, too.) I'm not sure that's a bad or good thing, but just the first note that came to mind. A lot of it is the diction and not the things listed, though.

 

2.) I don't like this part:

 

I sometimes relate better to guys because of the analytical way that I'm wired (have been told I'm a natural lawyer), but I also have a strongly intuitive side.

mostly because I don't know what it even means. You're part analytical and part intuitive. . . so is every human being on the planet, whether they consciously think about it or not. The two ideas conflict, which is the point, I guess, but you don't do anything with the conflict but state it.

 

But I also think the wording of it just suggests, "Difficult." I even like lawyers (and almost became one at one point), but most people who are natural lawyers are difficult, and people who say it are usually appreciating their difficulty for its potential usefulness.

 

3) Nothing else in here is bad. But I think you (like most of the OKCupid population, so don't sweat it too much) could still use more Show, Don't Tell to sizzle. This part

 

Since I was a child I've been filling sketchbooks with drawings of faces.

is good because it gives a specific image. A lot of this passage was just "I am blahblahblah" which one would think is how you show who you are, but really, it doesn't give much of a picture. Showing something you do that illustrates how you are is way better. This tells me you're creative and artistic, but you didn't say "I'm artistic." It's more interesting.

Because I have a lot of interests, one of my biggest challenges as an adult has been choosing a focus. I often wish there were more hours in the day, so I could pursue multiple careers and hone different talents.

This doesn't say anything. I would cut it. It's a cliche. And talking about your challenges is only good if they're cute and endearing (and specific). Also, I noticed this above, but it's especially so here---You can be really dry. There's little humor in your page.

What I'm doing with my life:

 

Finishing up school and then pursuing my dream to be a filmmaker. Both documentary and narrative filmmaking interest me, and I could see myself going in either direction or some mixture of the two.

This is fine. Since you talk about interests and passions in the about me, and also about film there, I'm really surprised that you don't seem. . . well, passionate here. I'm sure you are, but I think maybe working on it more could help. Be more specific about your interests in film----even if you like everything, paint a picture of some specific things you like.

 

You've kind of done a variation of the "music" mistake where people say "I like a little bit of everything" or "my tastes are really varied" with film here. I get why people do it. They don't fit (or see themselves) in a neat little box. But, really, you're just being asked to give examples, not paint your whole life! So. . . more examples here would round you out a bit, I think.

What I'm good at:

 

-I have a nearly photographic memory for faces, but I'm awful with names.

 

-drawing

 

-understanding what makes different people tick.

Eh, lots of people on that site think they're an expert on human nature. The last one is pretty cliche and not really a specific talent, but it isn't going to hurt anything. The other two are good.

Six things I could never do without (only done four so far):

 

pastries (cupcakes especially)

a cat in my life

Command-Z

good conversation

Very good. Yay for not falling into the "air, water, food" trap! These are all quite specific. Excellent.

Favorite books, movies:

Books:

"Of Human Bondage" by Somerset Maugham

"Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov

"Dubliners" by James Joyce

"Survival in Auschwitz" by Primo Levi

 

Movies:

Blade Runner, La strada, Badlands, Groundhog Day, The Conversation, The Tenant, Spoorloos, Casablanca, Woman in the Dunes, Stand by Me, Alien, The Shining, Chinatown, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Five Easy Pieces, What Happened Was, The Graduate, Manhattan, Koyaanisqatsi, Solaris, Brazil, Ordinary People, Au hasard Balthazar, Vivre sa vie, Carnival of Souls, A Streetcar Named Desire, After Hours, Raging Bull, American Graffiti, Being There, Heathers, Dazed and Confused

First, Heathers is awesome. And so is Dubliners. And kudos for not writing "The Dubliners" like everybody does.

 

Second, this is like many people's a block of text. That's fine. Not much else to say.

Edited July 31, 2010 by zengirl

[SadandConfusedWA]

Looks great shadow.. I wouldn't flash it out too much as I feel profiles look punchier when they are shorter. I know that I get turned off by reading walls of text in people's profile.

 

This potrays you as a unique individual with a strong sense of what she wants.

 

Sidenote: Lolita is one of my top 5 favorite books as well (I also kind of liked the movie but the book is better).

 

One of my favorite quotes from the book: "I still dwelled deep in my elected paradise, a paradise whose skies were the color of hell-flames, but still a paradise."

[shadowplay]

The last one is pretty cliche and not really a specific talent, but it isn't going to hurt anything. T

 

Actually, I would say it is a specific talent of mine. It's not just my belief; I've been told this by many people who know me well and are often taken aback by how well I can read and guess things about them. As a game when I was little my mother (a psychologist heh) used to tell me a bit about one of her friends and from that information I'd guess the rest. I was really, really good at it.

 

Yeah, a lot of people think they're good at understanding people, but I actually am and have always been. I know I sound ridiculously immodest, but it's true. And I think omitting it would leave out a pretty important piece of myself. Maybe I could find a more creative way of stating it, though.

Edited July 31, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Zengirl: I'd like to do some variation on the analytical/intuitive thing, but in a way that doesn't make it sound generic, as you suggested. It's sort of hard to identify this quality in myself, but I know it's something that differs from person to person. Maybe the better word is reflective. I think about things, a lot, as I'm sure people on here are well aware. I analyze things I'm interested in to death, but that's also balanced by intuition. I'm not practical minded at all.

[zengirl]

Actually, I would say it is a specific talent of mine. It's not just my belief; I've been told this by many people who know me well and are often taken aback by how well I can read and guess things about them. As a game when I was little my mother (a psychologist heh) used to tell me a bit about one of her friends and from that information I'd guess the rest. I was really, really good at it.

 

Yeah, a lot of people think they're good at understanding people, but I actually am and have always been. I know I sound ridiculously immodest, but it's true. And I think omitting it would leave out a pretty important piece of myself. Maybe I could find a more creative way of stating it, though.

 

Yeah, you didn't word it in a specific way was more my point---what you said in the profile isn't a specific talent. What you said here is getting closer to one (though it needs cleaning up). You fell back on the cliche.

 

At any rate, it's unlikely to matter much to most folks, as are most of my notes, as I said. As long as there are no red flags, it's going to be your pictures that make or break you with most people. I just have a thing for writing. I've met a few fellows with awesome profiles, but not many.

[shadowplay]

Yeah, you didn't word it in a specific way was more my point---what you said in the profile isn't a specific talent. What you said here is getting closer to one (though it needs cleaning up). You fell back on the cliche.

 

At any rate, it's unlikely to matter much to most folks, as are most of my notes, as I said. As long as there are no red flags, it's going to be your pictures that make or break you with most people. I just have a thing for writing. I've met a few fellows with awesome profiles, but not many.

 

Maybe I'm off, but I think the kind of guy I'm interested would care about the content of my profile. I'm sure he wouldn't nitpick to this degree, though.

[shadowplay]

Looks great shadow.. I wouldn't flash it out too much as I feel profiles look punchier when they are shorter. I know that I get turned off by reading walls of text in people's profile.

 

This potrays you as a unique individual with a strong sense of what she wants.

 

Sidenote: Lolita is one of my top 5 favorite books as well (I also kind of liked the movie but the book is better).

 

One of my favorite quotes from the book: "I still dwelled deep in my elected paradise, a paradise whose skies were the color of hell-flames, but still a paradise."

 

Wow! That's so funny. Did you read it in Russian and/or English? I've always wondered about the language differences between the versions.

 

There are so many exquisite passages. This might be my favorite:

 

"In a nervous and slender-leaved mimosa grove at the back of their villa we found a perch on the ruins of a low stone wall. Through the darkness and the tender trees we could see the arabesques of lighted windows which, touched up by the colored inks of sensitive memory, appear to me now like playing cards-presumably because a bridge game was keeping the enemy busy."

Edited July 31, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Keep in mind I'm fairly sure lots of guys barely read your profile (except maybe to pick out one or two things to talk about in the message if they're smart, but they skim straight to "favorites" or something) until after you've written them back, if ever.

 

Also, I used to edit advertising and articles for a living. I'm a bit picky with writing. Nothing I mention is particularly glaring.

 

 

 

1.) You come across as strongly introverted here. (I'm thinking about how it combines with the pictures you mentioned, too.) I'm not sure that's a bad or good thing, but just the first note that came to mind. A lot of it is the diction and not the things listed, though.

 

2.) I don't like this part:

 

mostly because I don't know what it even means. You're part analytical and part intuitive. . . so is every human being on the planet, whether they consciously think about it or not. The two ideas conflict, which is the point, I guess, but you don't do anything with the conflict but state it.

 

But I also think the wording of it just suggests, "Difficult." I even like lawyers (and almost became one at one point), but most people who are natural lawyers are difficult, and people who say it are usually appreciating their difficulty for its potential usefulness.

 

3) Nothing else in here is bad. But I think you (like most of the OKCupid population, so don't sweat it too much) could still use more Show, Don't Tell to sizzle. This part

 

is good because it gives a specific image. A lot of this passage was just "I am blahblahblah" which one would think is how you show who you are, but really, it doesn't give much of a picture. Showing something you do that illustrates how you are is way better. This tells me you're creative and artistic, but you didn't say "I'm artistic." It's more interesting.

This doesn't say anything. I would cut it. It's a cliche. And talking about your challenges is only good if they're cute and endearing (and specific). Also, I noticed this above, but it's especially so here---You can be really dry. There's little humor in your page.

This is fine. Since you talk about interests and passions in the about me, and also about film there, I'm really surprised that you don't seem. . . well, passionate here. I'm sure you are, but I think maybe working on it more could help. Be more specific about your interests in film----even if you like everything, paint a picture of some specific things you like.

 

You've kind of done a variation of the "music" mistake where people say "I like a little bit of everything" or "my tastes are really varied" with film here. I get why people do it. They don't fit (or see themselves) in a neat little box. But, really, you're just being asked to give examples, not paint your whole life! So. . . more examples here would round you out a bit, I think.

Eh, lots of people on that site think they're an expert on human nature. The last one is pretty cliche and not really a specific talent, but it isn't going to hurt anything. The other two are good.

Very good. Yay for not falling into the "air, water, food" trap! These are all quite specific. Excellent.

First, Heathers is awesome. And so is Dubliners. And kudos for not writing "The Dubliners" like everybody does.

 

Second, this is like many people's a block of text. That's fine. Not much else to say.

 

 

Thanks for the detailed input. I appreciate it. Yeah, this is kind of a first draft, so I hadn't added much sparkle to the writing. I'll try to rephrase things a bit.

[Jilly Bean]

Shadow - are you new to online dating? I can't remember if you've done this before.

 

I can tell you that 99% of guys won't even read your profile. They will perv your pics, and then write you something generic.

 

If you get a rare guy who actually bothers to read what you wrote - snag him, as he will be more the exception than the rule.

 

 

BTW - what's Command-Z?

[shadowplay]

Shadow - are you new to online dating? I can't remember if you've done this before.

 

I can tell you that 99% of guys won't even read your profile. They will perv your pics, and then write you something generic.

 

If you get a rare guy who actually bothers to read what you wrote - snag him, as he will be more the exception than the rule.

 

 

BTW - what's Command-Z?

 

It's the undo command in a lot of computer programs. Command-Z for a mac, Ctrl-Z for a PC. I use it all the time, and often find myself trying to press the button after making a real life mistake before I catch myself.

[shadowplay]

Also, I used to edit advertising and articles for a living. I'm a bit picky with writing. Nothing I mention is particularly glaring.

 

Yep, me too. I was editor on my university paper for several years, and the obsessive attention to detail has stayed with me.

 

You guys are probably right that nobody else cares, though.

[shadowplay]

Do you guys really think men care less about the content's of a woman's profile aside from pics? I hope this isn't indicative of how they judge women in real life.

[shadowplay]

So as I sit here in a downtown cafe, one of the few girls who caught my eye on the site (friend-wise and a little attraction wise) just stepped in. She's even hotter in person. Ha. Such a small town.

[Jilly Bean]

Shadow - I think you're prime for a lesbian relationship.

 

Introduce yourself, and tell her you saw her on the dating site.

[zengirl]

Shadow - are you new to online dating? I can't remember if you've done this before.

 

I can tell you that 99% of guys won't even read your profile. They will perv your pics, and then write you something generic.

 

If you get a rare guy who actually bothers to read what you wrote - snag him, as he will be more the exception than the rule.

 

Ah... while about half the guys who contact me get deleted out of hand for either being (a) too old (b) creepy in their profile or message or © too short in their profile or message (I don't know what to say to a fellow who says "Nice pictures" and has a lame profile), about half of them seem to have read my profile and found something specific to respond to. Maybe 40%. But I think part of that is age range/location.

 

That said, I don't think they contacted me because of what I wrote, exactly (a few I feel did) so much as they tried to read it after they decided they wanted to contact me and showed effort. Again, just a feeling I get, but a lot of my messages aren't generic. (Then again, my profile is really not generic. It's kind of me flung at the wall.)

 

(This profile has the benefit of being "early" though. It states at the top that I'm not moving to the area for another month. Maybe that helps. It's also under "Friends" only, because of said timeline.)

[shadowplay]

Shadow - I think you're prime for a lesbian relationship.

 

Introduce yourself, and tell her you saw her on the dating site.

Nah, I've decided I'm definitely more straight than gay, but I wouldn't rule out experimenting a little.

[MisUnderstanding]

Do you guys really think men care less about the content's of a woman's profile aside from pics? I hope this isn't indicative of how they judge women in real life.

 

Most guys won't read it, I'd say about 80% of them don't. That's why it helps to make your profile very specific, that way if they mention something in their message to you, that means they read it and liked it.

[shadowplay]

Most guys won't read it, I'd say about 80% of them don't. That's why it helps to make your profile very specific, that way if they mention something in their message to you, that means they read it and liked it.

 

and I wonder how much of those simply skim it in search of an ice breaker. I'm glad I'm not a guy. I do actually read profiles carefully, and I put at least as much emphasis on their contents as the pictures.

[shadowplay]

Shadow - are you new to online dating? I can't remember if you've done this before.

 

I'm new to it, and a bit wary.