somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I've been going to a big college in SoCal about 60k students, 60% women, for 2 years and I've just been friendzoned for the fifth time. One of those girls I met at a campus job and the other four I met in class. I'm starting to believe that my approach is completely wrong. What I've been doing is I meet a girl in class. I start talking to her and if I feel a connection I get her number. Depending on when the class we have together is, we may get lunch after class. Then I try to plan a non-dinner date. So far I've managed to see three girls outside of school. The first girl ended up becoming a good friend of mine for several months, because I was too afraid to make a move. The second girl brought a guy friend to the date. The next day she told me that she didn't want to date anybody and I ended up never speaking to her again. Yesterday I had a great date with the third girl and in the middle of it she basically told me that she didn't want anything serious and to just be my friend. I don't know what it means when a girl says she doesn't want anything serious. Is that her basically saying she doesn't want to date me or that she doesn't want to date anybody at all? If it's the later, then how are these girls meeting and hooking up with guys? I'm starting to get very depressed and running out of hope that I'm going to meet anybody.
TouchedByViolet Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 If a girl says she doesn't want anything serious, she doesn't want to date YOU. She is just trying to turn you down in a nice way. Stay strong, and play the numbers game. The more women you talk to the more chance you will have of meeting someone special. Thats what I tell myself at least
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 I just remembered that the first girl started having sex with a guy when I knew her and she claimed that they weren't together. And I think the girl I saw yesterday said she was casually seeing somebody else. So these girls are probably having sex with guys but don't consider themselves in relationships. I'd be fine with that if I could just find out how to get there.
Rifareal Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 You already said that there are about 60k students in your area and 60% of that are female. Why would you give up? It happens that sometimes you feel like a looser but maybe your just being dumped in order to get a better one. Chill out and don't loose hope.
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 You already said that there are about 60k students in your area and 60% of that are female. Why would you give up? It happens that sometimes you feel like a looser but maybe your just being dumped in order to get a better one. Chill out and don't loose hope. I feel like giving up because it seems like trying to get a girl is that most difficult thing in the world. I've never had any success and if I can't even get a girlfriend in college it seems like there is no hope for me. having a car & your own room helps majorly. I have a car and my own apartment. So there is nothing holding me back there. Confidence is a big thing too. From what I can tell it's the only thing that matters. My confidence is very low due to lack of success. I could also be feeling great then a girl can say one thing and it just destroys me. Yesterday I was sitting on a rock at the jetty with her overlooking the ocean. It was a great place. I told her that I wanted to get to know her better and she said that she didn't. She changed the subject and I pretended that I wasn't hurt. I don't know how to be confident after a string of failures.
counterman Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 There's your issue. You're confidence is based on your failures or successes with dating, when it shouldn't be so. That's why when something doesn't go well, you take it hard. Confidence is built from what you personally achieve for yourself, like what you study, your career, a personal goal, etc. In saying that, it is hard to get to the stage where you just don't care what a woman thinks or what she does. If she rejects you, so be it. Move on and go on to the next one. The best way to get to that stage is to keep trying, whilst having other things going on in your life i.e. fitness, studies, friends, family, etc. Don't let the opinions of women who aren't interested in you bother you... because they don't matter. They don't have a control over you're life. Take it in a new light and see it that they are saving you from wasting more time with them. They're eliminating themselves so you don't have to bother with them anymore. Keep going for it but use your "wanting to get laid" mentally into the way you speak. Flirt and kiss girls, and just go for it. If one turns you down, who cares, move on to the next one. I've been rejected a few times and you know what? After a couple in a row, I just stopped caring and it makes a huge difference. Keep going man.
lso802 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I think I'm average looking or maybe even below average. I'm also going to college and am very focused on school. Sometimes I'll find a girl attractive but just don't want to put in the time to pursue her. Weird thing is girls flock to me. I have to hide somewhere in the library or at the medical lab to avoid them. Seriously, I was in the medical lab and a girl just comes up to me and hands me a piece of paper with her name, number and email on it. She tells me, "in case you want to call me." I almost asked, "why would I want to call you?" I find it weird, and I'm sure when I actually do want a girl, there will be none around. If you don't put too much focus on a girl, I think you'll be able to act in ways to attract girls more. I mean you can be attracted to one and pursue her. If in your heart, you don't care as much about losing her or having a girl in your life (it's just something nice to have but not necessary for your happiness), then you'll act in ways to attract them more. Good luck.
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 (edited) I think the real problem here is your total lack of self confidence, you seem very desperate to me. Try working on becoming more confident: go to the gym, hang out with your friends a lot, work on getting ahead at your degree/internship/job, etc, maybe getting a hobby like cooking or a sport or something. All of these things will make you happier, less desperate, and more attractive. I am very desperate. Though the only people that know that are online. I do not show it all when I'm around people. The lack of confidence is more obvious as it's seen as a reluctance to take risks. When I know I'm going to fail, it's hard to really try. I'm more active during the school semester but I currently don't have any friends. The only people I talk to are the girls I want to date. These girls probably meet guys through friends of friends, at bars, clubs or parties... (Or possibly in class I guess). One big problem here is that you don't even know if you have chemistry with someone. That tells me that you're not too perceptive or self confident when you're conversing, otherwise you would be better at telling when you just 'click' with someone or have a mutual attraction. Also it's okay to be a romantic but you should really relax about making that your #1 goal. Even If you were a girl I would tell you that you shouldn't bank everything on having someone else. That's way too clingy. Work on your friendships with others.Yeah, friends of friends or at parties. Somehow I have to get the right connections. The chemistry issue is a huge one. Since I've spent very little time with women, I just don't know how to read them. And now I'm really getting hurt because of it. I need a way to learn this stuff or I'm doomed. I thought this girl was interested in me in the beginning. But not seeing her for a couple of weeks because I went out of town then she was hella busy with her project probably caused her to lose interest. I'm not clingy at all. I'd be fine seeing a girl once a week or every two weeks. I rarely call and may send a text every few days. I prefer to have minimal contact between meetings. It keeps my interest in her in check the less I talk to her. I'm starting to think that Sweet Tree Gum is trolling me. "She" knows way too much about me for somebody who registered just to reply to my thread. Should I bother contacting this girl again? Even after she said she wants to be friends she kept talking about wanting to see me again and what we can do next time. I'm thinking about sending her a text, "Yo (name) I had fun yesterday. We should get together again." Edited July 30, 2010 by somedude81
lso802 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I think you should really consider gum's post much more. A lot of good advice and insights there.
kalikula Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Where did my post go? Honestly.... You really need to get some friends. Put your effort into that first. Girls like guys who have a social life and friends.
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 (edited) I think you should really consider gum's post much more. A lot of good advice and insights there. Gum's post basically said, "Give up, you're going to die alone." What is there to consider? Where did my post go? Honestly.... You really need to get some friends. Put your effort into that first. Girls like guys who have a social life and friends. I don't know how to start. The only people I talk to are girls that I want to date. I don't bother interacting with guys. Last year I played on a flag football team and I didn't make any connections. Before that I tried to join a frat and I never got a bid. I don't really know how to make friends with guys. Most girls already have great social lives. So what's wrong me being part of hers? Edited July 30, 2010 by somedude81
kalikula Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Are you kidding me? If I met a guy who had no friends I would think something was probably wrong with him. I wouldn't just want him clinging to my friends all the time- what if we broke up and he continued to hang out with them? (This situation HAS happened btw, when my ex didn't have that many friends because he recently moved. It was awful). You need to have your own social life, you can't depend on some girl who doesn't exist for that.... Even if you get into a relationship, it's apparent your clingyness would be an automatic problem.
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 The thing is, I'm a very independent person. I'd be fine if I only saw her once a week. I would only get as serious as she wanted to be. I've been alone for most of my life so I'm used to it. BTW I did not tell her that I don't have any friends. I just know that if I was close to a girl that has a social life I can go to some of the big events. For example this girl likes to go to the college parties that I never hear about. I wouldn't hang out with her group of friends as that is creepy.
espec10001 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 The thing is, I'm a very independent person. I'd be fine if I only saw her once a week. I would only get as serious as she wanted to be. I've been alone for most of my life so I'm used to it. BTW I did not tell her that I don't have any friends. I just know that if I was close to a girl that has a social life I can go to some of the big events. For example this girl likes to go to the college parties that I never hear about. I wouldn't hang out with her group of friends as that is creepy. Try to find some quirky nerdy girls. You'll have to make the first moves with them though. Not all girls are social butterflies, just like a lot of guys aren't either. Some of them are just as bizarre and awkward as you feel you are probably. But you gotta make the first moves.
WTRanger Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 5 girls in 2 years? That's it? You're ready to give up over that? You need to boost your numbers before you can even consider that. Maybe 5 in a week would be something major. 5 in 2 years is nothing. Since the numbers are so low, I'm betting you are coming off as desperate and overly clingy which is turning these girls off. The fact that you are just learning the normal curve of dating and are ready to give up after barely even trying shows that you lack confidence which is also killing your chances. Think about this. If I left you practice a sport 5 times in a span of two years, do you think you would be ready to go to the major leagues? Just like a girl who little to no female friends is a big red flag, a man with no male friends is just as equally strange. Get a few wingmen, then go out and meet girls. 99% of the girls I ever dated in college I was introduced to through a male friend or met at a party thrown by a male friend. Perhaps you should make a connection with your own sex before you try the opposite one. I know this sounds harsh, but the problem isn't everyone else. It's you. The fact that you cannot make a connection with anyone in any situation is disturbing. Why do you think that is?
kalikula Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Well.... If you are totally happy with being independent and friendless then I guess that's OK even if I don't understand it. I'm very shy but I still have friends. But if I were you I would not go for social girls then, maybe try and find someone like yourself. Most social girls might find it weird or be unable to relate to you.
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Hmm it seems that Gum's post and the subsequent responses were deleted. Try to find some quirky nerdy girls. You'll have to make the first moves with them though. Not all girls are social butterflies, just like a lot of guys aren't either. Some of them are just as bizarre and awkward as you feel you are probably. But you gotta make the first moves. The girl before this one was a quirky nerdy girl and she rejected me. I was pretty much shocked when that happened as I thought we were a perfect match. 5 girls in 2 years? That's it? You're ready to give up over that? You need to boost your numbers before you can even consider that. Maybe 5 in a week would be something major. 5 in 2 years is nothing. Since the numbers are so low, I'm betting you are coming off as desperate and overly clingy which is turning these girls off. The fact that you are just learning the normal curve of dating and are ready to give up after barely even trying shows that you lack confidence which is also killing your chances. Look at it this way. When I first got to college in September 08 I became interested in a girl. It took me 4 months to get the courage to invite her out. By that time we had already become close friends. We had a big fight in March of the next year and never spoke again. Girl number two, whom I also met in fall '08 took me about 8 months to ask out. I always talked to her before class but I was terrified of rejection. Girl 3 was in the same class as #2 but I met her in spring '09. She was kind of my back up that I halfway pursued as I had a huge crush on #2. Fall '09 there was nobody I was interested in. Girl 4 was spring '10. Took me 3 months to get the nerve to ask her out. Girl 5 was summer '10. Took me a month to ask her out. So in summary, I meet girls in classes. I prefer to get to know a girl before I ask her out. I was actually talking to 3 different girls this summer session but two of them had circumstances that wouldn't work. Just like a girl who little to no female friends is a big red flag, a man with no male friends is just as equally strange. Get a few wingmen, then go out and meet girls. 99% of the girls I ever dated in college I was introduced to through a male friend or met at a party thrown by a male friend. Perhaps you should make a connection with your own sex before you try the opposite one. I understand your reasoning. But I just don't care about men. I had a bunch of guy friends from elementary though high school and I just wasn't happy. I needed girls in my life. I can't put girls on hold to make friends with guys. If I'm in a class and I have a choice between talking to a hot girl or some dude, the choice is obvious. I know this sounds harsh, but the problem isn't everyone else. It's you. The fact that you cannot make a connection with anyone in any situation is disturbing. Why do you think that is?10 years ago I knew the problem was me. This is nothing new. I can easily make connections with girls. I just can't get them to want to have sex with me. How old are you? I'm turning 29 at the end of August. Well.... If you are totally happy with being independent and friendless then I guess that's OK even if I don't understand it. I'm very shy but I still have friends. But if I were you I would not go for social girls then, maybe try and find someone like yourself. Most social girls might find it weird or be unable to relate to you. I don't go around telling people that I don't have any friends. The only people that know that are on the forums. Even then the girls should relate to me through our common interests and situations. How often does a girl hang out with her boyfriends friends and vice versa? Also once I get a girl and I have that part of my life taken care of, I'd actively try to make some guy friends. Right now my priority is women.
shadowplay Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I'm turning 29 at the end of August. Don't you think this might be part of the problem? You're hitting on girls who are 18-21, and some might find that a bit creepy. Why don't you go for some women your age who are at least out of college?
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Don't you think this might be part of the problem? You're hitting on girls who are 18-21, and some might find that a bit creepy. Why don't you go for some women your age who are at least out of college? The girls I'm going after have no idea how old I am. When I ask them to guess they say 23-24. I don't know where to meet women my age. Women my age have much different life experiences than I've had. I don't have job, I've never had a serious relationship. I'd say I have a lot more in common with girls 18-21 then with girls 25+. Would somebody my age even give me a chance?
shadowplay Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 The girls I'm going after have no idea how old I am. When I ask them to guess they say 23-24. I don't know where to meet women my age. Women my age have much different life experiences than I've had. I don't have job, I've never had a serious relationship. I'd say I have a lot more in common with girls 18-21 then with girls 25+. Would somebody my age even give me a chance? I bet women your age would give you more of a chance. Even if the girls you're going after don't guess your age at first, they may be put off when you finally tell them. Just something to consider. Try approaching women over college aged in places people typically meet: bookstores, coffeehouses, online dating.
Author somedude81 Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 I bet women your age would give you more of a chance. You sure about that? What 27 year old woman would be fine with a guy who's had zero relationship experience and near to no sexual experience? And even then what would we talk about? Her college days 5 years ago? Even if the girls you're going after don't guess your age at first, they may be put off when you finally tell them. Just something to consider. Try approaching women over college aged in places people typically meet: bookstores, coffeehouses, online dating. Who cares if they are put off or that I even have to tell them. This last girl was fine not knowing how old I was, of course she's probably not the best example. If I do tell her, it will be after we've been intimate. I have no interest in meeting and trying to attract random women that I only see one time. I prefer to talk to a girl at least a couple of times before I consider getting interested in her. Online dating is a joke for men. Especially an average looking short guy.
shadowplay Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 You sure about that? What 27 year old woman would be fine with a guy who's had zero relationship experience and near to no sexual experience? And even then what would we talk about? Her college days 5 years ago? Who cares if they are put off or that I even have to tell them. This last girl was fine not knowing how old I was, of course she's probably not the best example. If I do tell her, it will be after we've been intimate. I have no interest in meeting and trying to attract random women that I only see one time. I prefer to talk to a girl at least a couple of times before I consider getting interested in her. Online dating is a joke for men. Especially an average looking short guy. If I were a college student I'd be more put off by a guy who was 29 in college asking me out than I would as a 27 year old woman meeting a guy who is getting his degree a bit later in life. I know online dating is harder for men, but it might be worth a whirl. I've heard good things about OKCupid in particular, and if you look at all the "success stories" there are a TON of average guys who find love: http://www.okcupid.com/success
WTRanger Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 There's the problem, you are so desperate to get to the sex part that you actually are turning people away. You need to get out there and ask girls out in the first few times of meeting them. No more of this waiting around bullcrap. You need to get shot down 20-30 times before you start to realize that you'll live. It's not the end of the world. The more your realize that, the less pressure you'll put on yourself and the situation, the more your confidence grows. Yes, you grow confidence out of failure. The less pressure, the less scared you get, the more confident you become, the more success you'll see. You almost need to show the girl that you could care less if she accepts. If she does, fine and if she doesn't that's fine too. Now, it seems as if you are so desperate for her to accept and she can sense that. As it is now, you let your fake-ass feelings grow to unrealistic proportions before you even ask her out, then when it falls flat on it's ass you are ready to jump off a bridge. Stop trying to be friends when you clearly don't want to be friends. Be honest, are you going after the hottest girls in the class? They have way too many options. You just need to start with people on your own level. Sign up for online dating, get reject or not responded to 50 times and you'll see that you still are alive and well. Figure out what works and what doesn't work. Because with 5 different girls all giving you the same result, it's obvious the major broken thing is your actions. You are doing something either by choice or inadvertently that is throwing the gears off. You think you are average, therefore you act average and get average results. You are doing this to yourself. The only way a girl will date an older man, and the reason why so many do, is that generally they are more mature and confident in life than they are. They see them as sort of a father type figure. You show zero signs of that. Why would a girl date some meek man? This has nothing to do with sexual experience either, though let's not lie it certainly helps, but it mostly has to do with your overall confidence. I don't see you having any. If you can't develop healthy connections with men, how the hell can you even think to develop connections with women?
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