stace79 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Uhh... call me crazy, but if he was my bf, and she was acting this way, he would have two choices. Tell her that he will never be in contact with her again, or tell me goodbye. Did I miss some logical reason why he's still not broken off contact with her completely? All she is doing is adding drama to your life. Clearly she is not a real friend to him or anything.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 He needs to tell her ,flat-out, that he won't even acknowledge invitations that exclude you.Period. And that he will not tolerate her being disrespectful towards you. Period.That he will view that as an attack on his judgment. (because it is ............there's no defending her position) When someone insults my SO, they insult me,by proxy. Hopefully that's the conclusion we reached last night. I will talk to him about it again tonight to make sure we are on the same page. I waffled on him emailing her last night but I think it might be a good idea to spell it out for her. He said he didn't care what the rest of their friends thought if he pissed her off and he said they would take my side anyway. Not that I want people to start picking sides, but it's reassuring to know they would back us up as a couple rather than run to her rescue. Oh, and best of luck with your finals......... Sleep is for the weak!!! I will survive (with Dr. Pepper and coffee in hand) Uhh... call me crazy, but if he was my bf, and she was acting this way, he would have two choices. Tell her that he will never be in contact with her again, or tell me goodbye. Did I miss some logical reason why he's still not broken off contact with her completely? All she is doing is adding drama to your life. Clearly she is not a real friend to him or anything. No, she's not a real friend. She actually sent him a "break up" email several months ago entitled "I'm done" and she was "done" with the friendship unless it was on her terms. So....yeah....since then she has never made even the smallest effort to get to know me or to be a friend to him. She's the crappiest friend I've ever seen. There is no longer a logical reason for him to be in contact with her, that time has long passed. Now the only thing keeping him in it in her ability to use guilt to manipulate him into feeling sorry for her. It's so annoying.
TaraMaiden Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Please don't call me a schyt-stirrer, but actually, it should be him taking the initiative to put his foot down. He should be deciding the no-nonsense, unequivocal, unambiguous and absolutely crystal-clear plan of action, being as forceful as he needs to be without actually getting verbally abusive, and really making is as clear as it could ever be that she is decidedly unwelcome in every sense of the word. You have a lot on your plate right now - you shouldn't even be 'aware' all this is even going on!! He needs to take this off your shoulders. After all, she is HIS ex- - the ball is in his court, and you're no ball-girl....
stace79 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Hopefully that's the conclusion we reached last night. I will talk to him about it again tonight to make sure we are on the same page. I waffled on him emailing her last night but I think it might be a good idea to spell it out for her. He said he didn't care what the rest of their friends thought if he pissed her off and he said they would take my side anyway. Not that I want people to start picking sides, but it's reassuring to know they would back us up as a couple rather than run to her rescue. He needs to end their "friendship" completely. If he sees her out in a group setting by chance, fine. If you guys are out and she's there, I think you should proceed as normal. But she doesn't need to be calling him or e-mailing him, and frankly if she's a FB friend or anything, I'd want him to remove her. No, she's not a real friend. She actually sent him a "break up" email several months ago entitled "I'm done" and she was "done" with the friendship unless it was on her terms. So....yeah....since then she has never made even the smallest effort to get to know me or to be a friend to him. She's the crappiest friend I've ever seen. There is no longer a logical reason for him to be in contact with her, that time has long passed. Now the only thing keeping him in it in her ability to use guilt to manipulate him into feeling sorry for her. It's so annoying. My bf and I have seen a counselor lately, and while we were on a break of sorts, he was in contact with his ex (there's a long back-story there but basically he once broke up with me for her). My bf wanted to e-mail her a "closure" e-mail telling her about getting back with me and that they can't talk again. Our counselor said "Why? You don't owe her anything." And he agreed to just stop talking to her. NO response necessary.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 He needs to end their "friendship" completely. If he sees her out in a group setting by chance, fine. If you guys are out and she's there, I think you should proceed as normal. But she doesn't need to be calling him or e-mailing him, and frankly if she's a FB friend or anything, I'd want him to remove her. My bf and I have seen a counselor lately, and while we were on a break of sorts, he was in contact with his ex (there's a long back-story there but basically he once broke up with me for her). My bf wanted to e-mail her a "closure" e-mail telling her about getting back with me and that they can't talk again. Our counselor said "Why? You don't owe her anything." And he agreed to just stop talking to her. NO response necessary. That was my gut reaction, but then I started second guessing myself. It's a good thing I brought her up last night b/c she apparently emailed him yesterday and asked if our housewarming party was this weekend...??? He replied "no" but I want to know why he didn't just ignore it. That's what I would have done had it been some guy emailing me. So you all think him just ignoring her from here on out is the way to go? ;alfja;sdjf;oaiwejf <-- that's what I think about it all! Why can't we all act our ages, 30 and 35. Did she miss the it's time to act like an adult memo.
stace79 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 That was my gut reaction, but then I started second guessing myself. It's a good thing I brought her up last night b/c she apparently emailed him yesterday and asked if our housewarming party was this weekend...??? He replied "no" but I want to know why he didn't just ignore it. That's what I would have done had it been some guy emailing me. So you all think him just ignoring her from here on out is the way to go? ;alfja;sdjf;oaiwejf <-- that's what I think about it all! Why can't we all act our ages, 30 and 35. Did she miss the it's time to act like an adult memo. Trust me, I feel your pain. He hasn't talked to her in any way since we got back together in May, and thankfully she has her own bf now so she isn't trying to contact him anymore either, but I still hate her guts. However, what everyone but me seemed to "get" is that it wasn't her fault. He could stop it anytime he wanted. It's time for your BF to act like an adult and choose: her or you. I would assume since you're moving in together that he is serious about you. You should ask him point blank why he won't just ignore her. After three years of my bf's ex snooping around all the time, I finally told him I was breaking up with him. I realized I would never be happy in our R as long as he had any communication with her, and thus I was leaving him. It took him less than three weeks to email her effectively "ending" their "friendship". (Granted, not all guys will do that.)
phineas Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Never had an ex-GF act this way, but I have had attention whores act this way when I found a woman that actually wanted to be my GF. We were supposed to be "friends" but they showed they were not friends & I basically had to tell them to F-off & told them in great detail just how f'd up in the brain they really are. It's amazing how pissed a woman gets when you call her out on the immature crap she's doing.
threebyfate Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Crazy Magnet, what caused their relationship to end in the first place and who dumped who? If you can explain this in short form, it might help to explain their existing dynamic.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Crazy Magnet, what caused their relationship to end in the first place and who dumped who? If you can explain this in short form, it might help to explain their existing dynamic. While I don't know the details about the break up (though now that you mention it I will ask tonight--He's never once offered up that information and I haven't pushed. However, I'm not playing nice anymore. I want to know! ) I do know how they got together. Both my BF and this girl had anxiety and they reinforced bad behaviors in each other. For example, they would tell each other that it was ok to stay in all the time, not go see friends, never go out, miss work etc. He openly admits that the relationship was unhealthy from start to finish. My boyfriend got medications and therapy and I think the break up happened as he started to get out more. Though he still has his moments, for the most part he is like any other normal person out there. She refuses to take meds, though they are prescribed to her, and does not seek help. Her behavior, from what I see, hasn't changed much since then. Now she uses her "but I have anxiety" excuse on him all the time and uses that as her leverage to get what she wants. Anxiety is her crutch and her manipulation tool. I'm sure it was the same during the relationship and the pattern of behavior on her end has not changed. FYI...they were together for 2 years (not sure if this changes any advice)
threebyfate Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Do ask. This might shed some further light into their dynamics. Unhealthy relationships like codependencies can be the most difficult to sever. She sounds agoraphobic. Do you honestly trust him? Most people will answer, I trust him but not her. And yet this is dishonest answer, since it implies that someone has full power over another without their consent, where realistically speaking, it takes two to tango.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Do ask. This might shed some further light into their dynamics. Unhealthy relationships like codependencies can be the most difficult to sever. She sounds agoraphobic. Do you honestly trust him? Most people will answer, I trust him but not her. And yet this is dishonest answer, since it implies that someone has full power over another without their consent, where realistically speaking, it takes two to tango. Yes, agoraphobic. That is what my BF is treated for. I believe there are two kinds of deception in a relationship, physical and emotional, and while I trust him on one I do not trust him on the other. I believe he would not cross any physical lines with her. She's starved for male attention (my BF was the last guy that ever even looked her way and that's not going to change any time soon, she never dates or even makes an attempt to date) so I do not trust her with maintaining physical lines. I do not trust that my BF can maintain healthy emotional boundaries with her at all. I think he's shown that quite clearly. So yes and no. If I trusted him I wouldn't be worried about this situation. His behavior in the beginning of the R was 1110% convincing that he did not know how to maintain appropriate boundaries with ex gfs. In general I am ok with those kinds of friendships, but I expect to be included 99 times out of 100 in the meet ups, I don't tolerate a BF doing things alone with an ex, no physical contact, no semblance of flirty type behavior, no discussion of inappropriate topics (like sex) or discussion of intimate topics that me and BF discussed. In the beginning he did all these things with this girl and with another, his most recent ex. I set that particular fantasy of his, that somebody would actually be ok with that, on fire and cut that crap off right away. Other than this particular ex there has been no other contact with any ex after my little hissy fit. I apparently put the fear of God in him!! :laugh: He knows that if he crosses that line again crazy scary CM will come out and nobody really wants that. It makes me sound bitchy but I'm not a doormat.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 So she broke up with him and has never had another boyfriend. She's never even gone on a date with another guy. He was literally the last man that ever even looked her way (and she didn't get much attention before him from the way it sounds.) The only reason he gave for the breakup was that the relationship wasn't like a romantic relationship for him anymore, but he didn't give any indication of what her reasoning was. All he really said was that it went on way longer than it should have.
spookie Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 So she broke up with him and has never had another boyfriend. She's never even gone on a date with another guy. He was literally the last man that ever even looked her way (and she didn't get much attention before him from the way it sounds.) The only reason he gave for the breakup was that the relationship wasn't like a romantic relationship for him anymore, but he didn't give any indication of what her reasoning was. All he really said was that it went on way longer than it should have. How long ago did they break up? Do you think there is any chance that he still harbors feelings for her? I ask because it's odd to me how apparently difficult it is to get her to fcvk off. It's pretty easy to make someone feel unwelcome and unwanted. In my experience just acting cold to someone was enough to ensure I'd never hear from them again.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Life hasn't slowed down enough to get on LS! lol They dated YEARS ago, which should make me feel better about it, but it actually makes me feel worse. I want to know what's been going on behind the scenes for all these years that they haven't let go of one another. It also makes me think that since she hasn't had any male attention other than my BF for years that she's realizing that was her last and likely only shot at the life she thought she was going to have. Of course she's going to manipulate him into staying around, otherwise she will have nothing at all. On his end I don't think it's romantic feelings as much as guilt for her having a "crappy" life. Like I mentioned before, she loves to play her "poor pitiful me" card all the time and does so at every opportunity.
Serenitynow Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Have you changed your mind about hooking me up with her yet ? Hasn't she annoyed you enough ? .
Author Crazy Magnet Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 (edited) She has annoyed me more than enough. Last night we were out with the BF's friends. She wasn't there, naturally, because I am there. He asked one of them to come feed the cats when we are out of town and the friend said "Isn't EXGF going to do it? She always does it and already has a key to your house." Ummm....MY house beyotch and no she does not get a key. The locks have been changed!! Last I checked it wasn't really cool to give an ex a key to the place you share with your live in gf. Am I nuts here or is my thought normal and her having a key is abnormal? Why would someone have a key to MY house when I know absolutely NOTHING about them. I don't even know where she works, what her last name is. NOTHING. I know NOTHING. Why would she ever be in my house without me here again??? Edited August 2, 2010 by Crazy Magnet added more of the rant
phineas Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Yeah, her having a key has Fatal attraction written all over it. I'm sure a cat boils just as well as a rabbit.
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