Crazy Magnet Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 The past two weeks the ex has decided to come back around and try to stick her nose in everything. WTF? It's like she was making some last hoorah attempt before I moved in. She invited my BF to the movies, just the two of them, on a FRIDAY night. Seriously!?! Why would she think a) he didn't have plans with me b) it was appropriate for a taken man to be alone with another woman on a Friday night at the movies!!!! It was clear I wasn't invited. He told me about it and he said no to her. Then,she starts emailing him asking him to meet her during the work day for lunch and stuff. When he said "no" again she started asking him what the "rules" were for the two of them and kept referring to them as "us". Clearly she knows what's she's doing or she wouldn't be asking about the "rules" and clearly she isn't inviting me to these get lunch dates either. I told him that if she wanted to see him so bad she was more than welcome to come to our new home and see us together. Next time she called he answered and invited her over to hang out with us. She promptly refused (and for the time being that one shut her up.) It was a lame strategy on my part, but it has temporarily worked. Should I say something myself to this woman? She's intelligent, so I know she has to be aware of what she's doing. I mean, she actually asked if she was causing problems in the relationship. If I should say something, what should I say? My BF shut her down every time and actually got pretty snippy with her but clearly she doesn't have problems pushing her agenda anyway. gggggrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg
flying Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 The past two weeks the ex has decided to come back around and try to stick her nose in everything. WTF? It's like she was making some last hoorah attempt before I moved in. She invited my BF to the movies, just the two of them, on a FRIDAY night. Seriously!?! Why would she think a) he didn't have plans with me b) it was appropriate for a taken man to be alone with another woman on a Friday night at the movies!!!! It was clear I wasn't invited. He told me about it and he said no to her. Then,she starts emailing him asking him to meet her during the work day for lunch and stuff. When he said "no" again she started asking him what the "rules" were for the two of them and kept referring to them as "us". Clearly she knows what's she's doing or she wouldn't be asking about the "rules" and clearly she isn't inviting me to these get lunch dates either. I told him that if she wanted to see him so bad she was more than welcome to come to our new home and see us together. Next time she called he answered and invited her over to hang out with us. She promptly refused (and for the time being that one shut her up.) It was a lame strategy on my part, but it has temporarily worked. Should I say something myself to this woman? She's intelligent, so I know she has to be aware of what she's doing. I mean, she actually asked if she was causing problems in the relationship. If I should say something, what should I say? My BF shut her down every time and actually got pretty snippy with her but clearly she doesn't have problems pushing her agenda anyway. gggggrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg On the plus side, your BF is awesome.
freestyle Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Which ex is it? PM me if you want....... To echo the last poster, your bf is being awesome. Sound like he finally understands. the silver lining here is that her behavior is only reinforcing what you've been trying to point out to him all along. (she's proving your point for you.........) I think you've got a blank check to be a little bit smug right now.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 This is the one he used to go hang out at her apartment every week, alone. She saw absolutely nothing wrong with that. She's got to be the most disrespectful ex I've ever seen. You know if it was HER man doing something like that she wouldn't put up with it, but she expects a free pass for herself with her "poor pitiful me" act. It's like she completely missed the memo where she isn't the most important person in his life anymore. (I am B****! Muahaha) I was willing to let the movie invite slide, but when she started in on meeting up during the work day, that was just too much. That's why I don't know if I should say something to her or not. She's never even congratulated him on us moving in together when all their other mutual friends have and seem very excited for us. She's never said "I'm happy for you." Nothing. Nada.
shlee Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I think you should let it go. Your bf is handling it well enough, short of flat out telling her to never contact him ever again and then blocking her emails/social media/phone number. I understand why her behavior is annoying, but don't give her a reason to believe she has any power over you, your emotions, your well being, your relationship with your bf.
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 On the plus side, your BF is awesome. Erm...I don't think so.... The past two weeks the ex has decided to come back around and try to stick her nose in everything. WTF? It's like she was making some last hoorah attempt before I moved in. She invited my BF to the movies, just the two of them, on a FRIDAY night. Seriously!?! Why would she think a) he didn't have plans with me b) it was appropriate for a taken man to be alone with another woman on a Friday night at the movies!!!! It was clear I wasn't invited. He told me about it and he said no to her. What he should have said was - "I couldn't believe her damned cheek! Who the hell does she think she is?? I told her to take a hike! I don't want her to contact me ever again! !'ve moved on, and I think it's high time she did too!" Then,she starts emailing him asking him to meet her during the work day for lunch and stuff. When he said "no" again Ok, at this point, there shouldn't have been an 'again'.... he shouldn't even have answered the e-mail. Point is, he should just have deleted it! she started asking him what the "rules" were for the two of them and kept referring to them as "us". Clearly she knows what's she's doing or she wouldn't be asking about the "rules" and clearly she isn't inviting me to these get lunch dates either. And clearly he doesn't know exactly what the rules are or he would have replied - "Rules - ?!? WHAT rules?? there are no 'rules'! There is only one 'rule'! Get lost, quit trying to engage with me, leave me alone and just get out of my life! Is that an adequate 'rule' for you? Do you get it? Think you can abide by it? I sure hope so, because I can!" I told him that if she wanted to see him so bad she was more than welcome to come to our new home and see us together. Next time she called he answered See? Always with this 'next time'...he's actually not being terribly effective at clarifying this for her, is he? He even had to take your advice on what to say.. ...and invited her over to hang out with us. She promptly refused (and for the time being that one shut her up.) It was a lame strategy on my part, but it has temporarily worked. Ok, so you know it's lame, and you are aware that the effect is temporary... Tell me... What exactly is wrong with this picture...?? Should I say something myself to this woman? She's intelligent, so I know she has to be aware of what she's doing. I mean, she actually asked if she was causing problems in the relationship. If I should say something, what should I say? What you say is this: "The only person you are causing problems for, is you. Because frankly, what you do, is your problem. You're the one who obviously can't move on. We're fine, and very happy together. And one of the reasons we're so happy together, is because you are entirely insignificant. My BF doesn't love you. At all. He also doesn't hate you. But he is completely indifferent to you. he could care less what you do." My BF shut her down every time and actually got pretty snippy with her but clearly she doesn't have problems pushing her agenda anyway. She would have more to think about if he was more than 'pretty snippy'. he needs to get ballistic, hun, or else this series will run and run. gggggrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg Actions speak louder than gggggrrrrrs dear... Sorry Crazy, but I really think you need to give your BF a gentle kick up his @$$ and insist he be a lot more assertive. A LOT more.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Ah, if only he could give her a swift kick in the rear and boot her out of our lives for good. Unfortunately this girl is part of the immediate group of friends he hangs out with (one more reason to NEVER date inside your immediate social circle!) They were both in the wedding that we went to several weeks back so complete rudeness and complete avoidance is impossible. I don't want to start the cycle where he's an asswipe to her and she goes to all their mutual friends and complains. She will make it all about me, like she always has, and how awful I am rather than about him asserting what he wants. That's not a can of worms I want to deal with. If I was so to him awful he wouldn't be with me! Taramaiden: I completely agree with you. There should have never been an AGAIN! This is what pissed me off. He obviously wasn't clear enough with her the first time. We had a little chat about that and he saw my point, but still, she saw his "no" as an opportunity to keep engaging him which is a gigantic problem if you ask me. I think his response to the "rules" email was pretty blunt. He told her to stop her games and quit obsessing over me that his friendship with her was up to him and he wasn't interested. Yet she STILL called that night. I'm the one who told him to answer and see what she wanted (again, oopsy on my part) and invite her over if she wanted to see him so bad. (Angry moves are never a good thing.) She replied to his snarky email saying "she didn't want to talk about this at work anymore." Translation: I'm not getting the answer I want so I will call you and play my guilt trip game on you and that will get me what I want. I'm fairly sure that's why she called that night b/c he didn't bother to respond to her anymore after that.
O'Malley Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) He obviously wasn't clear enough with her the first time. We had a little chat about that and he saw my point, but still, she saw his "no" as an opportunity to keep engaging him which is a gigantic problem if you ask me. This is why your bf maintaining any contact with her is futile...she gets a fix off of what ever attention he provides her. She'll complain about him to all of your mutual friends, regardless if he says one word to her or not. She knows simply by contacting him, she'll get a response (even if it's a negative one) -- that keeps her fed into the situation and leads her to believe that she's getting to him (and you, by proxy). And if you attempt to talk to her, it will just egg on her current behavior even more, because she'll assume that her actions are making you insecure about your relationship. Both of you should show a united front -- absolute silence from your side. No responses to her emails or calls, no comments if your friends tell you what she's been saying. The fact that there are mutual friends does not obligate your bf to speak to her. In fact, your boyfriend needs to make it clear to these friends that he doesn't want to hear about her at all. Ignore her at social functions where you both are present. Else, you're just going to keep feeding the beast here. If your bf refuses to end all contact with her, I'd say your problem is with him, not the bunny boiler here. Edited July 28, 2010 by O'Malley
Diezel Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Your boyfriend LOVES the attention she's giving him even if he is telling you what she's up to. If he REALLY didn't want her to contact him again, he would have gone through the motions to block her COMPLETELY. And do NOT engage this woman, the moment you do is the moment you lose. She is a very cunning woman and could use YOUR anger towards her as an advantage for her. I know what Taramaiden told you to say, but the problem is this... this will be the woman's reply and it will DESTROY YOU: "If you two are so happy together, then why does he keep answering my emails/calls/whatever?" And that will do you IN and you have absolutely NO defense for that. Although your problem is HER, this is ONE problem you CANNOT cut at the source, it has to end BY HIM. If you can't deal with the fact that HE is not making a solid effort to COMPLETELY cut her off, then maybe he's not really worth it not really ready to commit 100% to you.
tigressA Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Both of you should show a united front -- absolute silence from your side. No responses to her emails or calls' date=' no comments if your friends tell you what she's been saying. The fact that there are mutual friends does not obligate your bf to speak to her. In fact, your boyfriend needs to make it clear to these friends that he doesn't want to hear about her at all. Ignore her at social functions where you both are present. Else, you're just going to keep feeding the beast here.[/quote'] This is exactly what I think. Do this. It's really the best option for both of you.
Woggle Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Women tend to want what they can't have and her ex has now found someone new and has moved on which drives women like her crazy. He wants to be a gentlemen because a decent man hates getting aggressive with a woman but he needs to be blunt and direct. Hopefully it doesn't end up like what happened with my ex but women like her just do not think rationally. I hate to say this but this might get ugly.
TaraMaiden Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I know what Taramaiden told you to say, but the problem is this... this will be the woman's reply and it will DESTROY YOU: "If you two are so happy together, then why does he keep answering my emails/calls/whatever?" And that will do you IN and you have absolutely NO defense for that. That's a very good point. I also agree about showing a united front, refusing to engage with her in any way, and letting your silence do the talking. I hadn't realised how close she was, regarding your social circle, so I can see the difficulty. But the thread title made me think she was a distanced long-absent ex- But I think you are still within the realms of possibility and within your rights - to cut this off at the knees.
Serenitynow Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Unfortunately this girl is part of the immediate group of friends he hangs out with (one more reason to NEVER date inside your immediate social circle!) Worlds are colliding !!! 1. Worlds Collide Theory A theory which states that a man must keep his personal life (i.e. friends) separate from his relationship side (i.e. girlfriend). Should the two worlds come into contact with each other (by means of his girlfriend becoming friends with his friends), both worlds blow up. "If Relationship George walks through that door, he will kill Independent George! A George divided against itself, cannot stand!" - George Costanza
freestyle Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 ...and we all know what a pillar of emotional maturity George Costanza is.....
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I wish she was long absent! So if I shouldn't say anything to her, should he say something else to her? Like re-clarify his position? Or is it best if he keeps on ignoring her? I'm afraid if he opens up dialogue with her again, even if it's to tell her to get lost, then all hell is going to break loose. But I'm afraid if he doesn't really put his foot down, she's never going to stop trying. I think she needs to get her own man for attention and my man needs to wake up a bit more and realize how unhealthy this dynamic is between them. He feels so sorry for her and thinks her life is so miserable. Well, ok, but it's not his job to fix her life. She's 35 and is responsible for where her life is gone and the direction it will go in the future. It's not my problem she can't get a man and it's not my BF's problem either. This just frustrates me to no end. I'm sure that's obvious from my posting in this thread but grrrrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggg again. Why on earth is she like this!?! She needs to grow up already!
Serenitynow Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Why on earth is she like this!?! She needs to grow up already! At least you know how us guys feel when dealing with some of the women like this out there
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Would you like to date this one? I'll be happy to set you up with her! lol
Serenitynow Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Well I've contacted almost 120 women so far on a dating site with no reply. . . so I guess I need to lower my standards, send her over
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I wouldn't torture you like that. She's a head case (as in the kind that should medically be on a lot of medications but chooses not to take them so she's that much nuttier.) I think I will have a little heart to heart with the BF when he gets home today. I can't go on with this unresolved any longer. I'm just glad the people of LS have once again come through and been really blunt with me.
D-Lish Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 The ex is aware that she is pushing boundaries- but your bf needs to establish better boundaries than he has been. He can say "no thank you", but he should be telling her that hanging out alone isn't going ot happen and to stop asking. That's his job, because he dated her- and he's with you now. I think your bf needs to put his foot down with her. It's not your job to intervene and tell her to get lost- it's his, and he needs to do it. She is going out of her way to cause a problem, but he is the key to the solution- which is why he needs to put his foot down more harshly with her. Who cares if it causes people to "talk" or take sides. Most rational people will get why a guy with a new gf would say no to hanging with an ex.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 The ex is aware that she is pushing boundaries- but your bf needs to establish better boundaries than he has been. He can say "no thank you", but he should be telling her that hanging out alone isn't going ot happen and to stop asking. That's his job, because he dated her- and he's with you now. I think your bf needs to put his foot down with her. It's not your job to intervene and tell her to get lost- it's his, and he needs to do it. She is going out of her way to cause a problem, but he is the key to the solution- which is why he needs to put his foot down more harshly with her. Who cares if it causes people to "talk" or take sides. Most rational people will get why a guy with a new gf would say no to hanging with an ex. I'm being too nice aren't I? Instead of worrying about what all his friends are going to think I need to worry about me, him, and us. I'd Well you would think she would be rational enough to realize that herself. I mean, she asked him out for a Friday night to a movie. How much more date-like does it get? What person, capable of rational thought, thinks that is ok? Does anybody here at LS do this? Ask your exbf/gf to go alone with you to the movies on a weekend and not invite their current SO?
D-Lish Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I'm being too nice aren't I? Instead of worrying about what all his friends are going to think I need to worry about me, him, and us. I'd Well you would think she would be rational enough to realize that herself. I mean, she asked him out for a Friday night to a movie. How much more date-like does it get? What person, capable of rational thought, thinks that is ok? Does anybody here at LS do this? Ask your exbf/gf to go alone with you to the movies on a weekend and not invite their current SO? Yep, sort of being "too nice" with regard to how your bf is handling this as well. She can ask all she wants- but your bf needs to take a stand in this matter.
Rifareal Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Your lucky your bf is honest and loyal to you. Don't mind her as long as you know no one can take your bf away from you. Goodluck..
Author Crazy Magnet Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 I can't say that talk really resolved much of anything. Normally we really reach a resolution when things end but I still feel unsettled about it. I'm not sure he really sees where I'm coming from. Verbally he says he does, but my gut says he's trying to placate me for the moment. I really stuck to my line: I want a unified front with no more responding to her, regardless of what she says to him. He said he wanted to send her one more email that detailed the boundaries he was setting but I don't know about that. What do you guys think? Should he? And should I be a BCC on that email? I honestly have no more tolerance for her behavior. She's reached completely psycho and rude as far as I'm concerned. I'm trying to keep in mind that we are both overly stressed. He's working long hours, the house is still a renovation nightmare and one of his cats died on Monday. I'm working full time, in the middle of finals week, and also dealing with the renovation nightmare (On the plus side the plumber came today and I can shower again. The Sheetrock dust had cemented in the drain. Yuck.) Still though, that's no excuse for letting her act this way.
freestyle Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 He needs to tell her ,flat-out, that he won't even acknowledge invitations that exclude you.Period. And that he will not tolerate her being disrespectful towards you. Period.That he will view that as an attack on his judgment. (because it is ............there's no defending her position) When someone insults my SO, they insult me,by proxy.
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