musicphan123 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 ok so the story goes like this (sorry for the length): I am a 22 year old guy and recently graduated college. This past semester, I had a class with a girl (one year younger) that I knew through other friends but wasn't really friendly with. We start talking more and more often during the semester through texts/on the phone; and one night while we were both at the bar I offered to walk her home. She says yeah and we kiss outside of her apartment. We continue to talk every day but she tells me soon after that she is seeing a guy.. in her words, they aren't bf/gf but they agreed not to see other people while they are in school.. She tells me that she really likes me and will be single during the summer but also likes this other kid and doesn't want to ruin things with him while they're still at school, thus we should just be friends for the time being.. We continue to talk almost daily. Summer comes and were both living at home (about an hour away from eachother) and both have jobs. The talking gets a little more flirty.. I see her a couple of times throughout the summer and nothing really happens besides maybe a peck on the lips.. we both go on vacations during seperate weeks and dont have access to our cellphones so for a period of about 2.5 weeks, we dont really talk much.. when were both back from our vacations she seems a lot more flirty and more eager to meet up.. I tell her im having a birthday party at a club and that she should come.. she does and we end up making out for about two hours before she leaves to go home.. a couple days later i tell her that we should hang out alone without alcohol involved .. she agrees.. i try to make plans with her a couple of times but she gives excuses as to why she cant.. and on the other hand, she doesnt try to make plans with me, but still says she wants to hang out alone.. i question her as to why she says she wants to hang out but then gives excuses when i ask and she says that shes scared i want something more than she wants (she is going back to school in the fall mind you). I assure her that i dont want a girlfriend but i would like something more than just the occasional kiss when were drunk at a bar. she responds positively, and says that she will make plans with me and shes sorry for being scared.. i start to slowly back away because i dont want to make it seem like i am pressuring her or want a girlfriend at this point.. the more i back away, the more eager she is to see me.. she asks why i've been weird lately and asks if i've been seeing someone (paranoia/jealousy??).. i tell her the truth and tell her that i dont want her to think im pressuring her and that i just like her company and want to hang out with her.. she says she wants to see me during the weekend on saturday night.. when the night comes she says that she is with her friends and cant leave where she is to come meet up with me and apologizes about 12 times through texts. I tell her that i think its best if we just stay friends and not talk every day because its only going to lead to feelings getting hurt in the future.. she is unhappy about this and says she likes talking to me every day and doesnt want to stop.. i tell her that i cant do that because its just natural that the more people talk the more feelings develop and that she is going back to school and we rarely hang out because she never ends up following through on her plans.. she has been trying to see me more often recently but in a way im reluctant to agree because i dont know if she means what she says. basically im wondering if she wants anything more than a friend with (very infrequent) benefits? If she doesn't i dont understand why she would have the need to speak to me every day/want to hang out with me alone/ask if ive been seeing someone/tell her friends and family about me/talk to my friends girlfriends...... but on the other hand she makes excuses and never ends up following through on her plans.. i dont know what she wants from this relationship (whatever it may be)... any advice would be terrific!!! sorry again for the long story
Author musicphan123 Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 by the way.. the title was supposed to say advice needed not mixed signals needed lol
xpaperxcutx Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Ugh! She totally put you on the backburner! Wisen up kid, you're only 2 years older than me, but you still have a lot to learn! First of all, when a girl says she likes another guy that's automatic knowledge for you to back the way off, meaning run before you walk. It's not pretty to hear that your supposed crush likes another guy, but at least it's a wake-up call for you to hightail it out of there with your pride intact. Second, you're giving her way too much attention for a girl who only wants you as a friend. Basically, were you happy with her decision to be friends? You were probably disappointed. You see at our age, we can't just sit around and pine after a person. We need to live it up and date around. You can't be friends with a girl you like and you definitely can't be a backburner because it'll just make you frustrated. If she ever comes around, you best bet you were not there waiting for her. You're 22, the world has about half a billion number of girls you still haven't met yet. I would say, forget her, and find a girl who will at least want to date you.
JadedHeart Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Agreed, stop wasting time with girls that don't want to be with you. The time you've already spent with her you could've been using it on girls that actually like you.
paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 they aren't bf/gf but they agreed not to see other people while they are in school.. you or any other guy are just 'another person' before she goes back to him. If she genuinely wanted you, she would ditch this other guy without hesitation. She tells me that she really likes me and will be single during the summer but also likes this other kid and doesn't want to ruin things with him great, you get to hang around waiting for her to be single, she has you dangling on a string, waiting until she is single. we should just be friends for the time being you've got the 'let's just be friends' line. This is not mixed signals, this is her telling you plainly that she just wants to be friends. i try to make plans with her a couple of times but she gives excuses as to why she cant.. again, if she really liked you, she would hop at the chance to be with you. she says that shes scared i want something more than she wants (she is going back to school in the fall mind you). She's right, you do what something more than friends, she's avoiding you and getting herself into a situation that she said she didn't want to be in. I assure her that i dont want a girlfriend but i would like something more than just the occasional kiss when were drunk at a bar. But you do want her as a girlfriend. You are lying to yourself and her. i start to slowly back away because i dont want to make it seem like i am pressuring her or want a girlfriend at this point.. Please back away not for this reason. Back away because it is clear that you are being led on. You need to make it clear to her that you will no longer be speaking every day on the phone, you are no longer content to be friends. That if and when her relationship with this other guy ends, then you can date. Since she can't or won't date you now, that is why you are backing off to find a girl who would be happy to have a proper thing with you and not be humming and haawing about their boyfriend or you. I tell her that i think its best if we just stay friends and not talk every day because its only going to lead to feelings getting hurt in the future.. Good, stick with this. she is unhappy about this and says she likes talking to me every day and doesnt want to stop.. she likes having her cake and eating it. V nice to have all your attention and devotion while also never giving you what you want, her to be your girlfriend. i tell her that i cant do that because its just natural that the more people talk the more feelings develop Agreed. I'm a girl that has been friendzoned twice by guys. You can back off and hope they miss you and will realise you are the one for them. Doesn't work. They might whinge and whine a bit, but as soon as you are back in their lives, you get back to being 'the friend' and nothing more. Also, while you are spending your time on seeing, talking to and thinking about this girl, your attention is being distracted from girls who would date you. She is seriously wasting your time. I'm sure she's not a bad person, she might not even know what she's doing. But she's being a bit selfish and she's not being fair on you. So I repeat. The deal is, either she dates you properly, or you are not friends. When and if she's single and free and interested, then you can go further, right now you are her ego-boost on the side and that's all.
O'Malley Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 This other guy is her boyfriend. Hence her continually ditching plans and the majority of your communicating being through texts (where there is less likelihood of discovery). basically im wondering if she wants anything more than a friend with (very infrequent) benefits? She's looking for someone to give her an ego boost that she doesn't get out of her primary relationship. If she thought you were better for her than him, she'd drop him to be with you. She hasn't. If she doesn't i dont understand why she would have the need to speak to me every day/want to hang out with me alone/ask if ive been seeing someone/tell her friends and family about me/talk to my friends girlfriends She wants you to be focused on her; what better way to make sure she's on your mind than by providing meaningless contact? It doesn't cost her a thing and she is amply rewarded with your undivided attention. She doesn't go on dates with you, she repeatedly cancels plans....if she really was excited about being with you, she'd be dating you right now, not making excuses. As other posters have stated, you're missing out on girls who would want to date you because of this sleigh ride. Tell her that you want to date her and ask if she agrees, the minute she says anything other than, "Yes," it's time to completely walk away. No texts, no chit chats, no flirting, no contact.
JadedHeart Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I didn't read anything but the title. Mixed emotions = their interest level is waning. Talking to them isn't going to change the fact that she is losing interest fast. It's spiraling out of control! In fact talking to them about it will catalyze the inevitable. Move on, quit wasting your time. If a girl is really into you there wouldn't be any mixed emotions. This is the absolute truth, whether you believe it or not.
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