lorangie1 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I have friends who are too nice to tell me the truth, so what I need is a good hard smack in the face by unbiased people. A guy I've been seeing told me that he can't get serious with a girl right away, that it's not "how it works." When I asked him to elaborate, he said that even if he likes a girl, he will have to be casual with her for a while and then eventually it will get serious. He said even with his ex-girlfriend (who he dated for 3 years) things didn't get serious until about 6 months in. I told him that it didn't make any sense, that if 2 people liked each other what was stopping them from becoming "exclusive"? I said I couldn't possibly wait 6 months while he saw other people. I said I was starting to like him and that it would really hurt me. And he replied that it just didn't work that way and WHY would it hurt me and HOW did I just expect him to be serious right away? WTF?! Why won't he just tell me he's not into me? Why are people such babies? (I say people bc I know women do this too). UGH. I'm so done with dating.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 As you request: He's just not that into you. I don't know what's up with his little "policy." Could be he likes to shop around a lot but then occasionally winds up serious when he decides he can't do any better. Could be lots of things. I'm assuming you're sleeping with him. I don't go with guys like that personally (the "well, we have to sleep together for awhile first, and then maybe it'll wind up serious" crowd) because I don't get it. (If people want to have casual sex, I've got no judgment for them, but I don't understand going into it with the whole "We have to have casual sex first to have a relationship" mindset. . . that just seems like a lie to me. Since I don't like casual sex, that wouldn't work out.) Basically, he's told you all you need to know: If you want to have casual sex with him, stick around. If you want a relationship, look elsewhere. If you're not sleeping with him. . . There would be slightly different advice. But, at any rate, he's clearly not over the moon about you and has said so. And don't you just love it when guys compare you to their ex-girlfriends!
callingyouuu Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 If you want to have casual sex with him, stick around. If you want a relationship, look elsewhere. Yup. It just sounds like you're looking for a serious relationship, and that's just not a high priority for him right now. I don't think it necessarily means he's not into you, but just not as much as you are into him.
Author lorangie1 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Thanks guys, I needed that. Only reason I asked for validation is because something he said is bothering me and making me think he's actually being honest instead of spouting bull****, but I need to move on. We got very drunk one night, and we were laying in bed about to fall asleep when out of nowhere he says "I really like you.. And you're one of the most amazing women I've met in a while and I want to date you." To that I didn't say anything (bc I was kind of stunned) and we just fell asleep. After that he never brought it up again and a few weeks later we had the dicussion that I posted initially. And yes zengirl, we were sleeping together. Sigh... I know I shouldn't have.
MrNate Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Thanks guys, I needed that. Only reason I asked for validation is because something he said is bothering me and making me think he's actually being honest instead of spouting bull****, but I need to move on. We got very drunk one night, and we were laying in bed about to fall asleep when out of nowhere he says "I really like you.. And you're one of the most amazing women I've met in a while and I want to date you." To that I didn't say anything (bc I was kind of stunned) and we just fell asleep. After that he never brought it up again and a few weeks later we had the dicussion that I posted initially. And yes zengirl, we were sleeping together. Sigh... I know I shouldn't have. Well, now you have your answer. He got to fool around a bit, and you're being left high to dry. I'm not sure if there were any flags prior but I think the previous posters have showed you the writing on the wall. If you're not getting what you want, it's about time to bounce. The sooner you do, the sooner you can make things better the next time around.
Gallaxia Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Thanks guys, I needed that. Only reason I asked for validation is because something he said is bothering me and making me think he's actually being honest instead of spouting bull****, but I need to move on. We got very drunk one night, and we were laying in bed about to fall asleep when out of nowhere he says "I really like you.. And you're one of the most amazing women I've met in a while and I want to date you." To that I didn't say anything (bc I was kind of stunned) and we just fell asleep. After that he never brought it up again and a few weeks later we had the dicussion that I posted initially. And yes zengirl, we were sleeping together. Sigh... I know I shouldn't have. I'm curious. I know you were both drunk but, maybe just as much as you remember not responding because you were stunned by what he said, he pulled back because he interpreted you not responding differently. Assuming he meant what he said, maybe he thought you were looking for something else, and is acting accordingly ???
Odyssey Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 A guy I've been seeing told me that he can't get serious with a girl right away, that it's not "how it works." When I asked him to elaborate, he said that even if he likes a girl, he will have to be casual with her for a while and then eventually it will get serious. He said even with his ex-girlfriend (who he dated for 3 years) things didn't get serious until about 6 months in.What a load of sh*t! It means he's still not sure about you, but want to keep you around as the backup chick. You could do better. Find someone on the same page as you are!
2sunny Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 just tell him you two don't want the same thing. that's it.
Author lorangie1 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Gallaxia, I did wonder that. There have been a few small other incidents I didn't mention (bc it didn't seem all that important and was all in passing) where he talked about us being together somewhere down the line a year or so. He just said casually that we could take a trip to some tropical island next year which I laughed off. He also mentioned a bunch of other stuff he wanted to do with me, such as taking a weekend trip to the beach, taking dance lessons, etc, but to be honest it reminded me of the sex and the city episode where Samantha meets that latin club owner, the one who promises this and that just to get her into bed. So I responded nonchalantly. Maybe I'm jaded but I just wasn't sure of his intentions and didn't want to sound too excited at the prospects if he was just bs-ing me. Perhaps that made him feel "dissed" - who knows? I'm not over him but there are other fish in the sea. After our last convo I told him I didn't want to see him again bc it was a waste of our time. I probably made some major mistakes but I'm not one to play games, I just want to be careful. Sorry, I'm on my iphone so the writing may come out weird!
Sabali Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 He's not into you, girlfriend. He may have been into you and then you possibly bruised his ego and the sirens went off. I understand him. If that happened to me, I would have shut down like lemonade stand too. I do understand that you was stunned and probably needed to recollect yourself.
Jilly Bean Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I don't think anyone can say if he likes you or not. I mean, he does have an established history of dating like this... One thing you CAN be certain of, however, is that both of you approach dating differently. He's looking for something that starts more casually before he commits. You are looking for something more intense. Good for you for respecting your own boundaries. Let this one go, and allow in someone who will want the same things as you...
spookie Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I sorta get where he's coming from. The qualities that are important to me for someone to have and to lack don't manifest themselves until later on in IMO. But what does he mean by being serious, vs. committing? Committing to what? For me, committing to someone emotionally vs. committing not to fcvk anyone else are two different things. If it's so hard for him to keep his dick in his pants while he's getting to know you to see about the first part, he's just not that into you.
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