Confused100 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 For a more detailed look at the whole situation, look at my previous posts. But I think what I supply here should be sufficient. Basically, I asked my friend out a month ago and she said she wasn't interested in dating because she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. Contact started to go down a little bit. She got a new job a couple weeks ago, and the contact has been even less. A few days ago, I asked if everything was okay between us because we hadn't been talking much and she said that we're fine, just that she's been busy with several things. She then promised we'd hang out again once things calmed down (I hadn't even brought up anything about hanging out in my message). So here is my dilemma... I feel like I was maybe making some progress moving on. But now I feel like I'm back at square one. Half of me wants to just explain to her exactly how I feel and ask for a chance to essentially 'woo' her. The upside is I'd get all those feelings out and maybe, just maybe, she'd say yes. But the downside is, she'd probably say no and it'd probably ruin the friendship and my heart would be broken. The other half of me wants to work on reviving a friendship: keeping the lines of communication open, and eventually hanging out again. I see two things that could happen: a revived friendship or a continuation of what is happening now, an unsatisfying relationship where we don't talk a whole lot. The downside of the potentially revived friendship is, as we hang out more, I'd probably just fall for her even more. I went through something similar a while back and it was miserable. I thought I would be able to move on, but I never was able to. To be honest, I think I'm just kidding myself when I say I just want a friendship... I truly do want more. So it seems like I'm in quite a pickle. Should I just go ahead and tell her everything--asking her to give me a chance? Or are some of my assumptions incorrect, and should I try to work for that friendship?
SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Personally, I wouldn't try to build a relationship with a friend where the friendship isn't there 100%. It is the foundation of a solid relationship. Then if you guys hang out a few times and feelings seem like they're there, then make your move, maybe.
skydiveaddict Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 she said she wasnt ready for a relationship. Take that for truth.
Author Confused100 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 she said she wasnt ready for a relationship. Take that for truth. I understand. But that was over a month ago. Perhaps she's ready for one now? It just seems like remaining agnostic will continue to cause me turmoil.
SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 How long was she with her ex? I've heard figures such as it takes a week to recover from a breakup for every month you were in the relationship.
Author Confused100 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 I think it was somewhere around 9 months? I think she's been single now for around 2 months. Maybe a little longer.
Jemay Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 If she was ready or interested, she would let you know.... women are good at that. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear though...... of course it is always good to share how one feels but just be prepared that this would probably not start the type of relationship you desire.... if a girl says she's not interested it usually means just that.
SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Then if I were you I would simply say something like "If you're ready for a relationship, I'm here" and leave it at that, she may still be healing. This might work better if you've both had a couple of drinks, then if she thinks you're crazy you can just blame it on the alcohol the next day and carry on being friends.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) If you value her as a friend, stop pursuing her. She's not interested, she's not ready to even think about being interested, and she's tried to tell you so nicely. It's dishonest and wrong of you to try to manipulate her into being interested, and it won't work. She knows your feelings. She doesn't want to deal with them. That's why she's being distant. That's why she basically told you she doesn't want to deal with your feelings, by saying she's "not interested." Really, while her ex may contribute, she probably has no interest in you in that way in general, if she didn't give a significant caveat (a thorough explanation of her interest with a but-take-it-slow caveat). If she was interested in you, you would've seen more mixed emotions from her on it and some signs of interest --- not distance. And if she is, nothing is going to stop her from mentioning it again once she's "recovered" if that's the issue. Then again, once she's "recovered" she may not be exactly the same. We do learn and evolve through break-ups. If you don't value her as a friend, stop talking to her altogether. If you do value her as a friend, stop trying to use friendship as a tool to get something else. That's not nice. ETA: If it's been 2 months, then she's recovered from the break-up enough so that if she was interested in you, it would make her want to pursue that. Generally, people are susceptible to something new by that point unless they're recovering from either something really long or crappy (abuse, partner dying, divorce, etc). Edited July 25, 2010 by zengirl
Author Confused100 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 If you value her as a friend, stop pursuing her. She's not interested, she's not ready to even think about being interested, and she's tried to tell you so nicely. It's dishonest and wrong of you to try to manipulate her into being interested, and it won't work. She knows your feelings. She doesn't want to deal with them. That's why she's being distant. That's why she basically told you she doesn't want to deal with your feelings, by saying she's "not interested." Really, while her ex may contribute, she probably has no interest in you in that way in general, if she didn't give a significant caveat (a thorough explanation of her interest with a but-take-it-slow caveat). If she was interested in you, you would've seen more mixed emotions from her on it and some signs of interest --- not distance. And if she is, nothing is going to stop her from mentioning it again once she's "recovered" if that's the issue. Then again, once she's "recovered" she may not be exactly the same. We do learn and evolve through break-ups. If you don't value her as a friend, stop talking to her altogether. If you do value her as a friend, stop trying to use friendship as a tool to get something else. That's not nice. ETA: If it's been 2 months, then she's recovered from the break-up enough so that if she was interested in you, it would make her want to pursue that. Generally, people are susceptible to something new by that point unless they're recovering from either something really long or crappy (abuse, partner dying, divorce, etc). Thanks for the thorough response. Maybe it's because I'm caught up in all the emotions of the situation, but how exactly would I be manipulating her into being interested? Feel free to be blunt, I need to see!
Jemay Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 If you value her as a friend, stop pursuing her. She's not interested, she's not ready to even think about being interested, and she's tried to tell you so nicely. It's dishonest and wrong of you to try to manipulate her into being interested, and it won't work. She knows your feelings. She doesn't want to deal with them. That's why she's being distant. That's why she basically told you she doesn't want to deal with your feelings, by saying she's "not interested." Really, while her ex may contribute, she probably has no interest in you in that way in general, if she didn't give a significant caveat (a thorough explanation of her interest with a but-take-it-slow caveat). If she was interested in you, you would've seen more mixed emotions from her on it and some signs of interest --- not distance. And if she is, nothing is going to stop her from mentioning it again once she's "recovered" if that's the issue. Then again, once she's "recovered" she may not be exactly the same. We do learn and evolve through break-ups. If you don't value her as a friend, stop talking to her altogether. If you do value her as a friend, stop trying to use friendship as a tool to get something else. That's not nice. ETA: If it's been 2 months, then she's recovered from the break-up enough so that if she was interested in you, it would make her want to pursue that. Generally, people are susceptible to something new by that point unless they're recovering from either something really long or crappy (abuse, partner dying, divorce, etc). I think you may be speaking from personal experience there??!
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Thanks for the thorough response. Maybe it's because I'm caught up in all the emotions of the situation, but how exactly would I be manipulating her into being interested? Feel free to be blunt, I need to see! You've mentioned your feelings. She's declined. Your two options: Bring It Up Again: This is manipulative because it does very little but provide you with catharsis (I don't believe we should use other people for our own catharsis in this manner --- write her a letter and burn it, tell it to another trusted friend, get it out in some other manner, if you just wanna get it out). She already knows you dig her. She's already said she doesn't want to date you. Regardless of her reasons, she's declined. Pretend to Be Her Friend to Get Close: This is manipulative. It hurts you and her. If you are only re-engaging to the friendship in order for a chance at romance down the road, or even partially with an eye to that, it is manipulative. It is trying to use one action to cause another with some deception in your motives---manipulation. You're hoping there's some magic emotional "friend" lever you can hit that will drop the relationship potential down from the sky. This is self-defeating, and it is wronging both you and her. Now if you can really be her friend, then be her friend. But friends aren't unhappy with friendship and always wanting more---friends accept friendship and offer theirs up willingly, with no underlying motives. If you need to take your own time and distance to sort your feelings out before you can really be her friend, or if you can't be her friend, that's understandable too. But you're trying to make her let you woo her and she's expressed an active disinterest in that. How is that respectful?
Author Confused100 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 You've mentioned your feelings. She's declined. Your two options: Bring It Up Again: This is manipulative because it does very little but provide you with catharsis (I don't believe we should use other people for our own catharsis in this manner --- write her a letter and burn it, tell it to another trusted friend, get it out in some other manner, if you just wanna get it out). She already knows you dig her. She's already said she doesn't want to date you. Regardless of her reasons, she's declined. Pretend to Be Her Friend to Get Close: This is manipulative. It hurts you and her. If you are only re-engaging to the friendship in order for a chance at romance down the road, or even partially with an eye to that, it is manipulative. It is trying to use one action to cause another with some deception in your motives---manipulation. You're hoping there's some magic emotional "friend" lever you can hit that will drop the relationship potential down from the sky. This is self-defeating, and it is wronging both you and her. Now if you can really be her friend, then be her friend. But friends aren't unhappy with friendship and always wanting more---friends accept friendship and offer theirs up willingly, with no underlying motives. If you need to take your own time and distance to sort your feelings out before you can really be her friend, or if you can't be her friend, that's understandable too. But you're trying to make her let you woo her and she's expressed an active disinterest in that. How is that respectful? Thanks for the clarification. Put this way, you're 100% right. I think I do need to take some time and sort out my feelings before re-establishing the friendship. IF I can get past these feelings (and if I can't, it seems like I probably can't be her friend), how would she then know that I've moved on (since, for all the aforementioned reasons, it seems like she's being distant)?
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Thanks for the clarification. Put this way, you're 100% right. I think I do need to take some time and sort out my feelings before re-establishing the friendship. IF I can get past these feelings (and if I can't, it seems like I probably can't be her friend), how would she then know that I've moved on (since, for all the aforementioned reasons, it seems like she's being distant)? If you get past your feelings and move on, after some time and distance, there's a good chance she'll know just by time. It may be tentative at first. And, honestly, you may both be strained, as friends, after this forever. Or until one of you starts dating someone, making it a non-issue. Or for some time. Every friendship is different. You could try to bring it up, but generally saying, "You know how I was into you before? Well, I'm not now" isn't going to convince anyone, even if it's true.
Author Confused100 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 If you get past your feelings and move on, after some time and distance, there's a good chance she'll know just by time. It may be tentative at first. And, honestly, you may both be strained, as friends, after this forever. Or until one of you starts dating someone, making it a non-issue. Or for some time. Every friendship is different. You could try to bring it up, but generally saying, "You know how I was into you before? Well, I'm not now" isn't going to convince anyone, even if it's true. That makes sense. I guess it's something to worry about when/if the time comes. Best to just take things one step at a time and focus on moving on. I'm guessing my best bet is to go with a no initiation policy for now.
Recommended Posts