Am I going down a road that says "Dead End?"

[gizbug]

A little background on myself. 32, single male, airline pilot, got out of a 5 year relationship earlier this year. June 20, I ran into a random girl in the airport. I never approach people in the airport when I'm working. But I noticed she was charging her phone, and I engaged in conversation with her. She was 28, from Ohio. I live in Chicago, but am from Detroit. We talked, and I said goodbye. Before I boarded a plane to Detroit to see my family, I turned around and gave her my #. I got a text from her when I landed. We've texted almost daily since then, talk every other night. The day after I met her, I called her and asked if she wanted to do dinner. She was kind of shocked, but agreed and I flew down, had dinner, stayed in a hotel, and went home the next day. Since then, I've been down to her place 2 other times. She is a very independent woman. She has told me she has her walls up, and that she was married for 2 years, and found out her husband at the time was having a long going affair with another woman. She now lives alone, and seems to be very cautious with proceeding forward. It's been a month since I met her. In that time, like I mentioned, I've gone down there 3 times, sent her flowers to her work, and have told her I have feelings for her, and want to know where this is going. I get provocative pictures from time to time from her which I have no problem with. Even simple pictures like her laying in bed saying "Your favorite place." We have not done the deed, only messed around. But sometimes I feel like I am getting contradicting messages from her.

 

Her email response was " I just don't like to say anything or share anything until I'm 100% sure about it because I'm afraid if I do say yeah I want it to be us and things like that then it doesn't work out or feelings change you feel like I was misleading or hurtful or I don't know something like that. I also know that you need some guidance to on where things are going...this is the best that I can do at the moment:I like you, I like spending time with you, I don't ever spend time with someone (more than one date) if I don't see potential for more...more being what I'm sure you are asking. I want the same things that most people want..someone to share their life with etc. I am just not 100% on my feelings yet so I just didn't want to say something or do something that might make you think one way if I wasn't behind it 100%. I don't know if this makes sense at all and we can talk later about it. I just haven't loved or cared about anyone in years and maybe I'm not real sure how to anymore but it just takes me a little longer to get there. "

 

It just seems like I am putting all this verbal, emotional, and physical effort in, but not really seeing it back. Last week I told her when I was off this week, and she told me tomorrow (Thursday) would be the best day to come down for a dinner date. I told her "you let me know!" I am thinking if I don't hear anything by tomorrow morning, when I finish work, I will just go home. NO reason to bring it up or pressure anymore to see her, I put my cards on the table.

 

Am I going down a dead end road here? Any input would be appreciated.

[TheLoneSock]

Her feelings are natural. It has not been very long. Just give it time and be more patient. You don't even live in the same area (which is another thing that may make her reluctant), regardless of your abilities to go see her often as a pilot.

[Sabali]

Your post reminds me of that robot from Lost in Space.

 

 

Danger! Danger!

 

 

You may very well be headed down to a dead end. She gave you all sorts of red flags in that message but it takes someone from the outside looking in to see them I guess.

 

Read my next words very carefully please...

 

 

Take things very very slow. If you don't you will crash and burn. As a pilot, I am sure you know what that means don't you? I am telling you, that letter sounds very very familiar. The whole situation sounds almost identical to one I have been in except you are putting yourself out there a lot more than I did. I was having fun and you are looking for love in the wrong place.

 

You are setting yourself up. Don't blame her if this goes south real quick. You are laying all of your cards on the table and she is telling you "I don't want to see your damn cards!"

 

Have fun and take it slow. Take it slow means not doing a lot of what you are doing such as trying to fly down there all the time and sending a lot of stuff. She does not want this and makes very clear. Guy, this is so clear 20 blind men can see it.

 

Reread her letter again. When a woman tells you she has not loved or cared about someone in years - Danger! Danger!

 

Do not try to rationalize her words. She means them! No one says this just to be saying it! Do not try to take on the challenge! This woman has a bad past.

Edited July 22, 2010 by Sabali

[gizbug]

Good advice.

 

In an email from her last week, she wrote " I worry that I will hurt u only because I know u do care. I have feelings..but I know I'm still a little closed off from being hurt ( and I'm talking like physically hurting..pain that literally hurt my heart..can't even begin to describe) I'm better but not fixed and I never ever want to hurt anyone..or make someone sad just want to make them smile. I like you, and enjoy spending time with you.

 

I don't know what will happen...I don't..have to find out I guess. U won't mess them up and I'm not concerned about the distance u just adjust and down the road make changes..

 

I'm just trying to be happy and do what makes me happy..I need it..more than u know.."

 

So by taking things very very slow, given we live in separate states, I should not press the issue on one of my 11 days off, going down to see and spend time with her? Last week I asked when she wants to do another dinner date. She told me tomorrow when I get off work would work probably. I told her to "Let me know..........." and earlier this week I inquired about it. She told me we would talk about it later, so I said ok. When I finish at 2pm tomorrow, I was going to take a 4pm to see her. But if I hear nothing tonight or tomorrow from her about it, will just go home and enjoy the day off on my own then. Won't press the issue. I've always believed in give and take, but haven't really seen it yet.

[TheLoneSock]

If she's straight up blowing you off then that is bad behavior and should not be rewarded with more attention. Red flag in my opinion. It's like tennis, you can serve twice, but after that the ball is on their side.

[Sabali]

Geesh, guy. I don't think a woman has ever been so clear to a man ever in the history of the universe here.

 

You are baby sitting her while she is trying to get over someone and past pain. She is living in the past. You are a toy to be played with for now. You are a ***k in a glass case that you will be lucky if she even attempts to break it open one day. She is dangling the idea of possible sex in your mind just to keep you flying in to keep her entertained whenever she wants.

 

 

Appreciate this wonderful woman for not even trying to play real games with you. She could but she is being so upfront with you but, of course, you won't listen. Lets be straight with each other, you will forget this exchange the next time you communicate with her and you are thinking more flowers and flying down will get you closer to her. She said she doesn't want to hurt you but I do not think she is going to be responsible for the hurt here.

 

There are no mysteries or ambiguity here. Every other situation on this site is ambiguous except for this one.

 

We have all been there but never have things been this clear.

Edited July 22, 2010 by Sabali

[gizbug]

Thanks for the harsh input. I'll rethink my approach with this girl then and see where it leads....and tone down my interest. I guess it would be easier if she was a local, living down the street you could see any day of the week, but being out of state, seems to be a little different. But thanks again.

[D-Lish]

I think this girl is being honest with you, and you can't fault her for that.

She's letting you know that she's a little messed up and has some issues to sort through. The message is "date me at your own risk".

 

Now the choice is yours. You can continue to date her knowing the risk, or you can move on.

[Sabali]

Thanks for the harsh input. I'll rethink my approach with this girl then and see where it leads....and tone down my interest.

 

I am not trying to make you feel bad, guy. It really is tough love. You just have to tell people in your situation straight up and make it stick to their brains in situations like this because you know what, despite the warnings, they still march right into the fire. Don't.

 

 

I was on the other side before. One of my exes was trying to get me back after screwing up and me breaking up with her. There was this guy doing all sorts of sappy stuff to try to win her affection while she clearly told him that she can't love anyone right now and that she was in pain and a lot of the same stuff what your girl is telling you. She showed me his emails and texts and and played his voicemail messages just to show me there was someone else interested in her but she just wanted me which was out of the question accept for the arrangement we had.

 

I read all of those emails and texts and couldn't help but laugh at the guy. He was such a sap saying stuff like "I can help you get past this! I can listen! I will be there for you!" He was sending her all sorts of gifts and CDs that I happily played in my car. He sent some good @$$ music! We even made sweet love to some of those CDs.

 

If you are having a hard time restraining yourself, just think of the guy reading your sappy messages, okay?

 

Very, Very, slow! You already have your heart in and she told you that she ain't even thinking about letting hers even beat.

Edited July 22, 2010 by Sabali

[Sabali]

So by taking things very very slow, given we live in separate states, I should not press the issue on one of my 11 days off, going down to see and spend time with her? .

 

By going slow I mean let her call you when she is ready for some fun and be prepared to have it and then fly your @$$ out of there in a rocket ship.

 

We both know that you're not going to do it but don't say that you haven't been warned.

[gizbug]

By going slow I mean let her call you when she is ready for some fun and be prepared to have it and then fly your @$$ out of there in a rocket ship.

 

We both know that you're not going to do it but don't say that you haven't been warned.

 

I understand what you are saying. She called me tonight to talk a little before she went to bed. I get constant text's while at work during the day from her also. As far as taking it slow, maybe I will start putting a delay in responses to the text msgs (I did that the other day...and got a msg later that night asking what was wrong, quiet today....my reply was I had a busy day).

[D-Lish]

I understand what you are saying. She called me tonight to talk a little before she went to bed. I get constant text's while at work during the day from her also. As far as taking it slow, maybe I will start putting a delay in responses to the text msgs (I did that the other day...and got a msg later that night asking what was wrong, quiet today....my reply was I had a busy day).

 

After reading this I am getting a better sense of the mixed messages you are referring to. You're right- she is sending mixed signals.

 

I do think that you should pull back. She is telling you outright that she is not relationship material given her circumstances, but she seems to solicit your attention quite a bit despite "wanting to take things slow".

 

She can't have it both ways. You don't want to just have a phone/text relationship with her, and it seems that is the path she is leading you down.

 

Honestly, I think you need to decide what you want out of this, and if it doesn't seem to be happening, make the choice to move on.

[Sabali]

I understand what you are saying. She called me tonight to talk a little before she went to bed. I get constant text's while at work during the day from her also. As far as taking it slow, maybe I will start putting a delay in responses to the text msgs (I did that the other day...and got a msg later that night asking what was wrong, quiet today....my reply was I had a busy day).

 

 

Oh yeah. Once she feels that you are pulling away, she is definitely going to try to pull you in. Be prepared for the sweetest of nothings to be whispered in your ear at that time. She can't lose her babysitter!

 

Cut down on the text messages. You are opening yourself up to a cowardly communication system. This will be a comfortable communication method to hit you with heavy stuff in the future instead of calling you and speaking to your ear. You may have to wean her and yourself off of them which could take time and subtlety.

 

My brother has a very immature woman and all they do is argue over text messages. Books are written over the phone. They look so silly doing it. Texting was created for teenagers and they don't want us old people stealing it away from them.

[gizbug]

And just as I head to bed, I get a txt "hey, forgot to ask, when our next date is...i know you mentioned tomorrow but it might not be the best day....what were your days off next week?"

 

LOL......this is starting to amuse me

[gizbug]

So Sabili I took your hardball advice. I took a picture of the departure board at the airport, showing the flight to Ohio leaving in an hour. Sent it to her, dropped my bags off and got on train home. She sent a msg with "are you just staring at the board again? Haha". Replied "nah, snapped the shot, waited 5, then headed to the train home". Her response was "oh."

[Untouchable_Fire]

And just as I head to bed, I get a txt "hey, forgot to ask, when our next date is...i know you mentioned tomorrow but it might not be the best day....what were your days off next week?"

LOL......this is starting to amuse me

 

What does she do for a living?

 

I think she is probably seeing someone else, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

Just tell her that you need more of her... and if she isn't willing to go there... you can't continue on like that.

 

Can you imagine what a relationship with this twit would be like? She's on the fence about everything with tons of mixed messages. Ugh...

[gizbug]

You know, she texted me tonight, and said that she has been bitchy all week, and doesn't know why, and if I flew out tonight she would not be the best company. She is hiding in her bathroom now, as Ohio is getting hit with Tornadoes, and she is texting me like crazy. Being a pilot, I know weather, so i am sending radar images, etc (lame I know, but hey, I took 9 meteorology classes lol). I kind of called her out on the failed date tonight saying "I wanted to see you tonight, I know you said you had life issues this week, I hope you didnt have big plans that you forgot about at the last minute, because I'm stuck eating take out chinese!" She laughed, but said she has just been very moody, quiet, and bitchy this week. I have to take her at face value on it. If she had a date, or some other guy, I highly doubt I would be on the TXT with her the last hour during this storm. I am a very deep person, and tend to read into things more than I need too. I am not excusing anything here, but I can't change who I am.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am a very deep person, and tend to read into things more than I need too. I am not excusing anything here, but I can't change who I am.

 

I agree.

 

So, why does she push you away... but yet try to keep you around?

 

She is into talking about her issues... ask her what she is afraid of? Why does she push you away? Your not her ex... she should have realized that by now.

[gizbug]

I agree.

 

So, why does she push you away... but yet try to keep you around?

 

She is into talking about her issues... ask her what she is afraid of? Why does she push you away? Your not her ex... she should have realized that by now.

 

I will ask her that.

 

Some quotes from our text tonight (mostly about me not coming out tonight)

"Well I can tell u with me dont overthink and if u r upset, speak up"

"Wasnt that I didnt want to see u just needed some time alone and relax and not be mean...just a rough week for many reason dont want to get into...wasnt u"

 

"Sorry I didnt know u wanted to see me that bad, I would have had u come..I didnt know or realize"

"But you can't get upset if u dont see me"

"Heavens all u had to say was want to see u tomorrow..okay if I come..didn't think u really cared,...sorry"

"If you really wanted to see me, Speak up"

"Just trust me wasn't u and wasn't that I didn't want to see u...just have things going on..and bad week..and not me this week..and that's no fun for anyone"

[Sabali]

Gizbug, you just have to leave this one alone. This woman is throwing up red flags like she has a monopoly on them. You will get hurt like crazy and you are definitely in the dreaded friend zone. You are right in the center of it judging from those texts. There is nothing for you here, except if you are really lonely then I am sure any kind of attention will probably provide satisfaction but please realize that there is nothing positive in this.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I will ask her that.

Some quotes from our text tonight (mostly about me not coming out tonight)

"Well I can tell u with me dont overthink and if u r upset, speak up"

"Wasnt that I didnt want to see u just needed some time alone and relax and not be mean...just a rough week for many reason dont want to get into...wasnt u"

"Sorry I didnt know u wanted to see me that bad, I would have had u come..I didnt know or realize"

"But you can't get upset if u dont see me"

"Heavens all u had to say was want to see u tomorrow..okay if I come..didn't think u really cared,...sorry"

"If you really wanted to see me, Speak up"

"Just trust me wasn't u and wasn't that I didn't want to see u...just have things going on..and bad week..and not me this week..and that's no fun for anyone"

 

7 texts on this topic?

 

Dude you better have sent 300 total or this is a massively high %.

 

If a girl sent me that many texts about not wanting to hang out... I'd think she went stage 5 psycho clingy on me...

 

Don't be too crazy about this guy. Just chill a bit.

 

When she does something Jackass just call her out on it, take her first answer as solid... unless it's very clear she is lying. Then move on.

 

Plus... it kind of seems like she thinks your acting passive/aggressive. Tell her that you want to see her. Make sure to tell her where and when. If she says no... she says no. Don't get all butt hurt and definitely don't act like a passive/aggressive puss.

[Green]

Seriously I don't enjoy dating girls more then an hour away.

 

You obviously really like this girl...

 

I don't think its going to work out but then again it might...

 

I don't really no what you should do... HAVE YOU KISSED HER YET? Just kiss her on the lips if you havn't or else it doesn't count as a date.

 

Also if you are getting paid over 70k to fly planes which I'm guessing you enjoy then you are a cool guy who can get a lot of women.

 

Just hit on the women at the grocery store and stuff get a near to your house gf in the mean time. I'm all for dating multiple women until you are getting ready to move to the sex phase.

[Sabali]

I would avoid this woman all together. The distance between the two makes it even more unstable. This woman sounds way out there.

[D-Lish]

I'd say it's a big red flag that she openly admits to being moody and bitchy so much.

 

What would it be like down the road if you guys got more serious?

 

She seems to have a lot of excuses....

[that girl]

If you didn't seem to be so into this girl, I would say just forget it.

 

But since you do seem super into her, I think you should try to switch the texting to calls. You can tell a lot by tone and she might be more likely to open up on the phone.