Sick of Dating

[cdt76]

I'm just fed up with it. Flakey, liars, cheaters, broken promises, empty words, meaningless chatter, hidden agendas, unknown intentions, being stood up, crap excuses, dashed hopes, bad breakups, lies, lies and more lies.

 

What is there to like about dating?

[Enchanted Girl]

It's better than being alone, I think, but there's lots of people on this forum who can relate to your situation.

[Bogo123]

Once you stop assuming things and having expectations, alot of those things won't bother you anymore.

[Serenitynow]

It's better than being alone

 

You hit the nail right on the head.

 

But lets talk about WHY there are so many problems in dating. Too many people know deep down that they really dont get along with each other. I believe there are WAY too many that give in, or settle, just to be in a relationship. They are so afraid of not having someone, that they give up who they are, give up dignity, turn their back on mental, verbal, physical abuse just to be with someone. This is turn causes a snowball effect of thousands and thousands of cheaters, liers, users, etc etc throughout out society.

 

If more people would stand up for themselves, and for what they want, need, and deserve in a relationship, there would be a lot less problems with the dating world as a whole.

 

So in a nutshell, people would rather have a relationship with issues, than have no relationship at all. Thats what keeps sites like this busy.

 

 

 

 

 

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[zengirl]

I'm just fed up with it. Flakey, liars, cheaters, broken promises, empty words, meaningless chatter, hidden agendas, unknown intentions, being stood up, crap excuses, dashed hopes, bad breakups, lies, lies and more lies.

 

What is there to like about dating?

 

I'm going to approach this with Taoism, even though it's probably not what you're looking for, but it's how I approach dating:

 

There's a story called the "Uncarved Block" or Pu. It's a great piece of Taoist wisdom. (Also popularized in the book about Taoism and Winnie the Pooh, though it is oversimplified there, but still good.) Google it if you get a chance, for some great stories that illustrate it, but basically it's this: Acceptance.

 

Passive, unconditional acceptance that everything is right in its right place.

 

People who are frustrated with dating want dating to be something else. They have an idea of what they want to occur from the date. They are trying to mold individual dates to fit their "plan." They're not experiencing the date, so much as constantly judging it. And then they feel cognitive dissonance about judging it since they don't know what they're doing wrong, want to get somewhere, and are experiencing exactly what they don't want when they judge it. They are tying themselves in knots.

 

I've been way guilty of this, too. I'm not saying that we should pretend every date is equal or even good -- but I know I should realize that when a date isn't good it's because I'm not accepting the person for their rightful place (which may be nowhere near me!) and that I'm not accepting the experience for what it is.

 

My point is . . . I have a lot of fun dating. If someone lies to me now, I don't think, "What a liar! I'm so angry." I think: "Thank you for showing me how your essence is incompatible with me." (I know to people who don't think like this -- being one who didn't for many years -- that this sounds absurd, and you probably think I'm lame/lying/whatever.) I have a pretty good people-picker, so really, my most "unpleasant" dating interactions are usually incompatibility and/or rejection, both of which I can see pretty happily now.

 

As far as things there are to like (even without my philosophy):

Just about everything about a good date. Everybody's list here will be different --- for me, it's the thrill of meeting someone who just seems to "fit" in my life and who I'm also desperately attracted to. Even if that only happens on every 100 or 1000 dates, it's worth it.

 

And the other dates? Well, they're still a chance to get to know a unique individual, many of whom will turn out to be awesome in their own way, even if we're not right for each other. The people who aren't awesome or are hurtful? Well, maybe I can learn something.

[Tony]

Even though there are just a few responses on this thread so far, they are excellent and make this one of the better threads I've seen in this forum. Thank you all and I hope some great responses follow as well.

[cdt76]

I do not agree that it is better than being alone. I would rather be alone than go on a date with a horrible person (or one who will turn out that way). Bogo, you are exactly right. I was just thinking about this yesterday myself. Say through our normal daily lives we branch out and attempt to meet someone that we are attracted too. Immediately, I begin to build expectations, hopes, creating a plan of how things "SHOULD" be or how I'd "LIKE" them to be. My minds becomes this whirlwind of activity because inside I feel like there is a kernal of hope that I can live off of with this girl/date. That kernal grows with each thought, minute, hour, day, contact with her, the actual date and it keeps growing until BOOM. She cancels the date, makes an excuse as to why she didn't call, stands me up at the restaurant, lies about other guys, whatever it may be.

 

But you are right. When we ditch the expectations there is no anger or heartache or feeling of being let down. Unfortunately, I am not good at stopping thoughts, especially the ones that involve hope and love. If I could be more at peace inside, maybe the things that occur on the outside won't matter to me as much. But peace is hard to come by when so much turmoil resides inside.

[Rifareal]

Maybe you need to assess yourself or maybe you just haven't found the right person for you. Dating is also a learning experience, utilize it so the next time you'll know what to do.

Edited July 22, 2010 by Rifareal