Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Hmmm. Now I'm wondering if part of the oddness of his manner might be a cultural difference. I didn't realize he was raised in another country. Maybe his culture is more open with feelings and that sort of thing. I don't know, it may be. He was born and raised in India (he's Bengali).
shadowplay Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I don't know, it may be. He was born and raised in India (he's Bengali). I think that could def be a factor based on my experience with foreign guys.
sagetalk Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 In a way I am worried about trusting myself. That is obvious and admitting it is the first step. There are billions of stupid people in the world who don't know a good thing when they have it. Don't be one of them. I'm not saying this guy is Mr. Right, I'm just saying he sounds a heck of alot better than 90% of the loser guys the girls on here are dating and post about. It's a shame he didn't call you out on not trusting yourself right there, it could have fixed a lot of stuff in a hurry. Give the guy a chance. Maybe he is bad for you and maybe he isn't, maybe you can't handle a good relationship and maybe you can. Don't kill the relationship before you even know any of that. The best way to trust yourself is start being a person that you want to be and not compromising. Put your past behind you and realize that you do want a man that wants to have a long term relationship with you.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Give the guy a chance. Maybe he is bad for you and maybe he isn't, maybe you can't handle a good relationship and maybe you can. Don't kill the relationship before you even know any of that. The best way to trust yourself is start being a person that you want to be and not compromising. Put your past behind you and realize that you do want a man that wants to have a long term relationship with you. I have been working on that. He's also brought up my I-didn't-think-it-was-obvious-but-it-really-is preoccupation with my past experiences and asked me why I bother doing that. I could never really give him an answer. When we were talking the other night I started to say "In my experience (it's not good to assume you're dating exclusively)" and he stopped me, saying that I should be looking at the present.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 I think that could def be a factor based on my experience with foreign guys. I guess it could be. I have been involved with a couple of other Indian guys, and I'm really good friends with another. Now that I think of it they do share some general traits, though that could be as much my people picker as a cultural thing.
Mary3 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) i smell a rat Okay Alpha , why would a guy sleep with a girl and then Stop ? Edited July 22, 2010 by Mary3
Mary3 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 not sure why i cannot edit my original reply. Here's something to tigress. To tigress, i have to admit that if i am in the same situation as the guy in your now-loving relationship, i will be extremely turned off and call for no sex too. To me, an emotional attraction should be set first before any sex should come in. This is because i have a naive belief that without an emotional and intellectual connection with the other party, i am just dating a piece of flesh that is very bloody beautiful. i am not that smart, but in his mind, he is probably speculating and trying to figure out whether you can be a long lasting relationship partner. he must have seen something good in you other than the sex, and you ought to just let things flow and be yourself. If he is as smart and perceptive as you said he is, there is clearly a motive why he is still keen to keep this relationship despite the turn off (you and him having sex right at the start). That clearly shows something good in you that you are not seeing in yourself bingo !...........
kimflute26 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I think I realized what annoys me about this guy. It's that he sounds more arrogant as opposed to laid back and sweet. Sort of like a parent who thinks he's right all the time.
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 bingo !........... Yeah, you guys are right about that. I think he senses that I don't trust myself in a long-term relationship and wants me to know he thinks I'm worth the effort of getting to know in that way, so I "rise to the occasion". Or something. Not sure if that made sense. At any rate, things have been going well since that conversation in my original post. He's been in consistent contact with me, IMing me while at work; he called me last night after he got out of the office and he said he'd call today. Last night he said he missed me; it was sweet. I am really not sure exactly when we'll see each other again. He's moved into a new apartment in the city he's been temporarily assigned to work in and it's far from being completely furnished, he has to work rather late almost every weekday, and I have plans this weekend. I feel like he's making up for the current lack of together time with more frequent contact, which is nice. I get butterflies and a warm cozy flush going all through me when I see his number show up on my phone.
sagetalk Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 His behavior is definitely "off." Look for whatever reason he doesn't want to have sex with you (after you already had crossed that bridge) = basic incompatibility, it doesn't really matter why. The head games just make it worse incompatibility. His behavior is off because he's actually acting like he is supposed to act (amazing! in this day and age). Instead of just agreeing with everything she says so he can have sex with her, he actually has a truthful conversation with her that is negatively toned (gasp!). She doesn't trust him and he is mad, and he should be. Why does she not trust him to have sex with only her, yet she believes him when he says he isn't. That makes no sense. It's a trust issue, without trust, a long term relationship is impossible. This guy is looking at her as a long term potential, but many of the girls on here have completely missed that. What should this guy do? Just shut up, tell her everything is perfect, and have sex with her and be happy. That's what short term relationship guys do who just want to have sex with a girl.
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 His behavior is off because he's actually acting like he is supposed to act (amazing! in this day and age). Instead of just agreeing with everything she says so he can have sex with her, he actually has a truthful conversation with her that is negatively toned (gasp!). She doesn't trust him and he is mad, and he should be. Why does she not trust him to have sex with only her, yet she believes him when he says he isn't. That makes no sense. It's a trust issue, without trust, a long term relationship is impossible. This guy is looking at her as a long term potential, but many of the girls on here have completely missed that. What should this guy do? Just shut up, tell her everything is perfect, and have sex with her and be happy. That's what short term relationship guys do who just want to have sex with a girl. This is true. He knows I'm having trouble trusting him. I need to stop looking at my past experiences to get the measure of this guy. That's a huge reason why I'm having trouble trusting that his intentions are good--guys I've been with before had deceived me, and I've trained myself to trust in what I feel would be the worst possible scenario (in this case, him sleeping with/dating other girls) instead of the best (wanting to really get to know me with regard to forming a long-term relationship). A more extreme version of keeping my expectations low, I suppose.
threebyfate Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I don't think this is about sex. It's about control and unilateral decision making with no upfront consideration for tigress. Amber flag has been tossed on the field. Watch for more self-centered behaviour.
Kamille Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 It's a trust issue, without trust, a long term relationship is impossible. So how should Tigress address the trust issues she has? Or rather, Tigress, what do you need in this relationship to trust him? This can be over time, it doesn't have to be in the next few days or next few months. Trust is something you continually build in a relationship.
Author tigressA Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 So how should Tigress address the trust issues she has? Or rather, Tigress, what do you need in this relationship to trust him? This can be over time, it doesn't have to be in the next few days or next few months. Trust is something you continually build in a relationship. Actions matching up with words is a huge thing for me. If someone says they're going to do something I expect them to do it. I make the point of never saying I'll do something if I'm not sure I can or will do it. If they can't even keep their word to give me a call one day, then how can I trust when they say they haven't cheated/won't cheat on me? Little things like that, to me, build up over time and can either build or destroy trust. There have been a couple of times when I've had to talk to this guy about that, but it was early on in his work reassignment when things were clearly all out of sorts, so part of me understood, yet I was also thinking "You couldn't just pick up the phone for 30 seconds?" I think I've gotten through to him since then; he's been much more consistent in maintaining contact, like he was in the beginning. He called me once last night like he said he would and then again a few hours later after I'd turned my phone off for the night (I had been at a bar with my friend). He left a voicemail saying he hoped I was okay and having fun, and he called again later this morning but I missed it since we were making pancakes. So if he continues to match up his actions with his words, and continues to show care/concern (the I-hope-you're-okay voicemail) then my trust will build. I don't mean that he has to call me this often, though--this was 3 times in roughly 12 hours. I'm not sure what got into him. Perhaps he was nervous about me going out.
CLC2008 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 So... When is the next time you are going to see him?
Author tigressA Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 I don't know. I was away until earlier this evening visiting my friend, and he's busy moving into his new place this weekend. Because of our schedules and the distance between us (it's like an hour's drive one way, and I don't drive--yet), it's highly doubtful we'll be able to get together during the week at all. So I'm guessing next weekend. I'm not going to ask; I'm sure he'll let me know. I don't doubt that I'll see him soon, since he's been in contact with me. I'd be worried if he hadn't been in touch with me as much.
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