denise_xo Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I've seen a lot of threads here where the issue of 'when sex can be expected as part of the dating process' comes up, but it's not the main issue raised by the OP. Some say that not having sex after three or four dates is pushing it/ means that you're not interested or serious, others say they date for months before they feel comfortable with the full thing. Obviously this is about individual preferences so I'm not suggesting there's a right answer, but I'm interested in people's opinions: what makes you decide when the time is right? any particular rationale behind it, or you just go with the flow?
zengirl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 WHEN: At some point after commitment (the Talk or whatever). When I was younger, that meant exclusivity and some real emotions; now, it means a little more -- all that, plus the thought that he is compatible with me in the moment and potentially long-term and that he feels the same. After we've agreed (in some way) to "build" something together, so to speak. I don't have an exact time frame, except post-the Talk in some form (requiring exclusivity and some validation that we are both taking it seriously and really digging the other). This has happened as soon as 2 weeks and as long as 5 months away (well, two years and five months for that one, if you count the two months we were friends first!). WHY: Because sex is awesome and part of a total, healthy relationship. But, for me, casual sex -- and I consider sex with someone I'm not feeling sure about, not exclusive with, and not building a relationship with to be casual -- isn't that interesting.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 WHEN: At some point after commitment (the Talk or whatever). When I was younger, that meant exclusivity and some real emotions; now, it means a little more -- all that, plus the thought that he is compatible with me in the moment and potentially long-term and that he feels the same. After we've agreed (in some way) to "build" something together, so to speak. I don't have an exact time frame, except post-the Talk in some form (requiring exclusivity and some validation that we are both taking it seriously and really digging the other). This has happened as soon as 2 weeks and as long as 5 months away (well, two years and five months for that one, if you count the two months we were friends first!). WHY: Because sex is awesome and part of a total, healthy relationship. But, for me, casual sex -- and I consider sex with someone I'm not feeling sure about, not exclusive with, and not building a relationship with to be casual -- isn't that interesting. I agree completely with you. LOL. You often seem to say things on here that I am thinking (much better than I could say them.)
Sith Apprentice Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 As quickly as possible and with the least amount of work. 3 date rule 3 Dates and no sex=Who the hell does this chick think she is? 4 Dates and no sex= Too much work, **** you.
Pfiend101 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I'm ready to go on the first date. I realize however most quality girls will want to wait a LITTLE bit. around 3-4 Dates then if physical isn't happening Im outtie pfiend for president yall
Hopeful30 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I have sex either a) when I am comfortable enough (which varies on how long from guy to guy) or b) im just too horny and can't contain myself anymore.
iammolly Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 So how does online dating change the 'sex rule'? In my own experience, the Email to IM to phone call transition of our communication allowed for a much more rapid evolving of our dating relationship. We met online, initiating communication via the dating sites email and IM on a Wednesday. Between that day the day we met in person we had logged roughly 60 emails, 12 hours of IM, and 8 hours of phone calls. We met in person 7 days after our initial contact and hah (can't believe I am going to admit this) had sex in the car. We have talked everyday since then via email/IM/and phone for at least 2 hours per day. We see each other every weekend and are in a committed relationship now. It has been 4 months.
zengirl Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Addition to My Why: The men saying "Too much work" remind me of the other reason for my why. If someone doesn't want to/isn't willing to wait until in a relationship for sex because of some reason like this. . . they probably are going to think the relationship is too much work later! I want to get married someday, and even in relationships that aren't marriage, I want them to evolve as partnerships, so. . . that takes some work. I want someone who finds the work of building a relationship (with me) fun, and I've been lucky to find that at the various points in my life I've been with great guys. (I'm very proud to have no jerk ex-boyfriends or even just jerks I've slept with. )
phineas Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Addition to My Why: The men saying "Too much work" remind me of the other reason for my why. If someone doesn't want to/isn't willing to wait until in a relationship for sex because of some reason like this. . . they probably are going to think the relationship is too much work later! I want to get married someday, and even in relationships that aren't marriage, I want them to evolve as partnerships, so. . . that takes some work. I want someone who finds the work of building a relationship (with me) fun, and I've been lucky to find that at the various points in my life I've been with great guys. (I'm very proud to have no jerk ex-boyfriends or even just jerks I've slept with. ) I have no problem waiting, however more woman than not that made me wait were just completely boring in bed when it finally happened. I'm talking lights off only, missionary only, the thought of giving a BJ makes her face pale. But she'll sure accept oral from me. in my experience, good things don't come to those who wait. Also, in my experience some of the women who made me wait usually weren't all that sexually attracted to me but really liked me as a person & hoped their attraction for me would grow. It never does & it never ends well because 100% of the time they just hopped into bed with the first guy they met that did turn them on, while forgetting to break up with me first.
Author denise_xo Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 I have no problem waiting, however more woman than not that made me wait were just completely boring in bed when it finally happened. :lmao:
carhill Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 what makes you decide when the time is right? any particular rationale behind it, or you just go with the flow? For myself, it is a time where the intimacy reaches a point where I wish to be closer to the person physically than is possible constrained by clothing and convention. It's a progression of both physical and emotional intimacy. If any insurmountable roadblocks appear, then sex never happens. If 'going with the flow' indicates I generally become sexual because of feelings, then, yes, I 'go with the flow'. I 'feel' relationships, familial, platonic and romantic. They aren't business deals. Hence, when dating a 'stranger' (someone with whom I have no personal history), historically it has taken me a few months to feel substantially invested and intimate to want to express that sexually. One datapoint
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 In my last LTR we had sex after dating for a couple of weeks. In my current (and more successful) LTR we had sex on the first date. There is no rule, even person to person, it is completely subjective to the people, their chemistry, and the situation. I hate it when people assign deadlines, timelines, and rules to something that is so deeply individual and personal.
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