Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I've been friends with a man for 3 years now. He knows that I am attracted to him, and, he has said that he is attracted to me, as well. However, things aren't going anywhere. I sent him this message last week. "On a side note. ****, you've seemed really happy lately, it's given me a case of the smiles- so, keep doing whatever you're doing. I love you, and it's really good to hear you laughing." He never responded to my email. But the next time I saw him, he seemed happy and engaged with me. However, he still hasn't responded to my email. I sent him a second one after I saw him, and he seemed happy (1 week after the first). The second one said I meant every word of it But he hasn't responded to this either. I wouldn't really know how to best respond to either of these emails myself. And, perhaps no response really is the best response. But it's confusing. Do you think these are appropriate emails to send to a friend that you share some attraction with (minus the romantic relationship)? Do you think it is appropriate to not respond to these emails? He is still engaged with me, but we have yet to discuss our status. Do you think I should just chill? How would you respond if you received my emails????
Sabali Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 (edited) Stop sending cryptic emails and just talk to the man face to face. Be straight up. You guys have been friends long enough so it should be relatively easy. Personally, I hate get emails about serious topics. Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Although this email is not really serious as far as content, it is meant to be something heavy because you are waiting for a response like you're waiting for the results of a medical test. Right? When it comes to the juicy stuff, just sit down and talk with him. Emails are so iffy. You are just left wondering what happened to them or if he had read them or what. It will only drive you nuts but if you spoke to him , you know he got your message and you can evaluate his reactions. If I got that email, I wouldn't think it demanded a response to it, especially if I didn't want to respond to it. He either, has not gotten the message or he got it and does not know how to respond to it and his best response may be no response. Lay it on the table face to face but keep it light and not serious like you are about to tell him his dog died while he was away or something. Edited July 21, 2010 by Sabali
that girl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Why aren't you two dating? It is really unhealthy for you to be obsessing like this over a friend of 3 years. I think you need to consider the come to Jesus talk. Either he dates you or you move on.
Author Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 What is the "come to Jesus" talk? ...sounds funny (and I appreciate funny).
Author Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I don't think it demanded a response, either. I kind of just wanted to know if most people would respond to this email, or not. We've seen each other since the emails, and everything's been cool. I do have my curiousity, though. Thanks!
mortensorchid Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Since the invention of email, we have all become a lot braver, haven't we? Ha ha ha ... This wasn't the right thing to do. Some of you (I know I have) might have had people break things off with them or have a long "friendly observation" written to us via email. Telling someone anything, positive or negative, is ultra cowardly. You should say whatever it is you have to say in person. But, since you have already said IT through email, it's out there. Whether or not he's read it is not the issue, he simply doesn't feel the same way you do. Hard to hear, but you haven't to accept it.
Author Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I wouldn't call it cowardly...an email is out there forever. He may not feel the same way. But, how would you respond? Do you think it's best not to respond?
sugarmomma Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think if he was interested in anything more than a friendship he would have made a move by now. I think this is the reason for no response to your email telling him you love him etc. Low to no interest. Have you told him you love him before like this??
BobSacamento Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 If you want a FWB then send this: "I'm free this weekend, want to come over and watch _________ Friday night?" If he doesn't get the picture then he's a dummy.
Author Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Yeah, I understand. I'm just feeling out people's opinions, since mine is ENTIRELY subjective.
Author Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Both of us are far beyond any interest in FWB. I think this may be why things have been kind of intense, and slow. We've discussed our sexual histories together- we've both done the sex NSA thing, and have no interest in bringing this into our adult lives. I think we're both friend or full relationship people. I'm ready for the full relationship, but I guess he's not. wuf
Sabali Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I wouldn't call it cowardly...an email is out there forever. No, it's cowardly, honey child. Every now and then I slip up with an email communication with someone of interest. I don't say anything serious but I hate myself then for slipping and opening up the email door. It becomes a gateway for a cowardly communication venue like texting. I don't ever initiate texts with persons of interest. If I am asked if I have text, I say that I prefer to speak to your ear and you to speak to mine. Speak to his ear, sweetie.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 (edited) I kinda know how you feel Sprectral with the e-mails. I never e-mailed a girl but I PMed a couple on a forum a few hundred times over the course of two years and they were either responses to them or inititiations by me. All well and good. As far as e-mails go I have two best male friends that live in different parts of NY both have live in g/f's while I am not seeing anyone right now. I feel really POed that these guys I played in bands with and spent so much time growing up with and have had great intellectual conversations with and never fought with can't MAKE the time to give me a one word acknowledgment of my e-mail to them. I don't get it. I always MAKE TIME for anyone that wants to be congenial with me. I make the time, I don't make excuses. I'm not looking for a paragraph or a dissertation but just a "thanks, that was funny" or something to show me they got my effort. I thought of them as my best friends. Now I don't. Because it seems to be all about them and what they feel like doing at their moment. If one can read a one-liner e-mail, one can acknowledge a lousy one-liner. I'm really lost because I feel for the other person and feel dissed when they can't make a lousy moment for me. Edited July 21, 2010 by Feelin Frisky
sugarmomma Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Don't take it personal if he doesn't respond. Neither of you have taken any real action towards building more of a friendship. I think you're in the clear since you didn't pour your heart out in the email. Jus ask him if he got it in a friendly way. I don't see anything wrong with that.
Author Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Well, I still won't say cowardly, but I will say less awkward. I'll let you all in on the real deal. After knowing each other for a year, I asked my friend out to dinner. He said yes. We went to dinner, had fun, flirted. I asked him out again. He said that he had consciously been flirtatious, but didn't think we should go out again. A few months later we got closer- long hugs, more dinners, etc... Then he said he thought we shouldn't talk anymore. A few months later we talked again. He said that the attraction was mutual, but he hadn't been interested in going further. Now, we still talk (for hours at a time). We hug (with some extra feel-y hand action), and hold hands (interlaced fingers- his initiation). I guess I'm just frustrated because I care for him so deeply- and we're so CLOSE to a relationship... really the only thing that is missing is full on physical intimacy...but that's it. I feel we DO have a genuine connection, but he says he wants things to be "organic," hence, I haven't pushed the 'live' talk again. I'm willing to wait for him, I could move on...but there just hasn't been anyone else that's open and willing... He has talked about previous issues with co-dependency. He says that he feels I haven't "pushed" or "pressured" him- but I do love him, and don't want to let go.
Author Spectral Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I totally hear you on the returning emails (of whatever nature) bit. I've always felt that returning any kind of communication is a matter of basic etiquette. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't care what your response is- as long as it's honest. I was a philosophy major in college (haha)...I don't have a problem with hearing painful truths... ...I just have a problem with hearing nothing at all. Hopefully, we will both meet some people who share these sentiments (and will take a half-a-second to express them!!).
sugarmomma Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 It sounds like you have been the one pursuing and that doesn't usually fare well for women. Especially in this case where he has turned you down a couple times. I would say move on to finding someone that is more interested in you. I would hate to see you waste time on an unrequited love. I'm sure you do a lot for his ego though.
Sabali Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I was a philosophy major in college (haha)...I don't have a problem with hearing painful truths... Since when did philosophy start to provide truths?
Author Spectral Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Sabali, I ask you with respect to not troll my posts.
mixwell Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 If you want a FWB then send this: "I'm free this weekend, want to come over and watch me undress Friday night?" If he doesn't get the picture then he's a dummy. Fixed..
mixwell Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 In all honesty I stand firm with what I've been told and that's "actions speak louder than words" NOBODY who's interested in someone else would simply not reply, they would actually probably make it a high priority to reply back to you.. He may say he likes you etc but his actions show he has low to no interest.. I've learned actions speak louder than words the hard way with my ex.. BS blah blah of keeping me attached verbally but physically never could hang out or answer the phone.. This dude most likely isn't into you UNLESS something CRAZY has been keeping him from contacting you like he moved to another planet or got locked up and can't email you back but I doubt it... sorry to say it but I just don't think he's interested in anything more than friends..
Sabali Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Sabali, I ask you with respect to not troll my posts. Not trolling. Have a sense of humor, Spectral. I love philosophers and enjoy conversing with them. Have many philosophy books on my book shelves.
Author Spectral Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Yeah, I'm digesting that. Talking about it is certainly helping, too.
Sabali Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Cool, thanks. Good. Now take a very close look at my avatar. Does it remind you of anything that is used to represent philosophy? Ah, now you are "thinking."
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