Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Good point, most of the people I talk to on LS are female, even though in real life I've usually socialized more with guys (at least in recent years). Maybe this is my problem. Hmm.... I am working on making female friends, and I've already made one, which is a good start. It's just a bit scary for me because it's been so long, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I might be totally wrong here, but I just get the impression that right now you want male attention. There is a very big difference for women between knowing your attractive and feeling it. I think you need to feel it. We are designed to be social animals, and it is my belief that having female friends around you will help add to your confidence. Anyways... just my thoughts.
threebyfate Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Internal dialogue: Hey, I stepped out of my comfort zone and attempted to initiate friendship. A year ago, I wouldn't have had the guts to do so. This is good!
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) I might be totally wrong here, but I just get the impression that right now you want male attention. There is a very big difference for women between knowing your attractive and feeling it. I think you need to feel it. We are designed to be social animals, and it is my belief that having female friends around you will help add to your confidence. Anyways... just my thoughts. Obviously I can't speak for my subconscious motives, but I think a lot of it has to do with simply having more social experience with guys, having grown up in a male dominated family and also having had a few scarring experiences with girls in my past that created a sort of phobia. I notice around women I start to worry more that we'll run out of things to talk about, for example. My dad thinks it's because my I tend to think in a very analytical way that makes it harder to relate to girls, and he's even said before that he thinks I have a "male brain." In some ways I do, in other ways not at all. I know there are other women out there like me. I've even met a number of them on LS. Obviously, I'd like to feel attractive around guys as well, but that's more in a dating context. Hopefully the more experience I get with other women, the more that phobia will diminish. Edited July 28, 2010 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Internal dialogue: Hey, I stepped out of my comfort zone and attempted to initiate friendship. A year ago, I wouldn't have had the guts to do so. This is good! Thanks, that's a great way of looking at it.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Ha, he sent me a message back....an hour after I sent him that clarification. I can't bring myself to open it, though. I feel like it would be too awkward to hang out with him now.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) OK I just read it: No worries, that was my understanding. I'd absolutely be up for a game of Boggle sometime this week. Also, there is ultimate frisbee at 7:30 right down the road from my apartment if you're interested. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. -XX [his number] Hmm...now I'm on the fence. I feel like a little silly because he probably didn't read that into it, unless he was just saying that to spare me the embarrassment. And now I've made it more awkward than it had to be by bringing it up. I'm wondering if we would both feel awkward hanging out now. But then again, maybe I should push myself to do it anyway since I need to practice socializing. Edited July 28, 2010 by shadowplay
spookie Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 OK I just read it: No worries, that was my understanding. I'd absolutely be up for a game of Boggle sometime this week. Also, there is ultimate frisbee at 7:30 right down the road from my apartment if you're interested. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. -XX [his number] Hmm...now I'm on the fence. I feel like a little silly because he probably didn't read that into it, unless he was just saying that to spare me the embarrassment. And now I've made it more awkward than it had to be by bringing it up. I'm wondering if we would both feel awkward hanging out now. But then again, maybe I should push myself to do it anyway since I need to practice socializing. I think you're over analyzing the s!ht out of everything. Have you ever played ultimate frisbee??? It is FUN! It also provides a great opportunity to: -meet even more people -grab dinner/ drinks afterward I'm w/ Star in that the Boggle invite would have struck me as odd. I like board games as much as the next person but a 1on1 game even with someone you ARE interested in sounds boring as hell. Go play some frisbee!
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I think you're over analyzing the s!ht out of everything. Have you ever played ultimate frisbee??? It is FUN! It also provides a great opportunity to: -meet even more people -grab dinner/ drinks afterward I'm w/ Star in that the Boggle invite would have struck me as odd. I like board games as much as the next person but a 1on1 game even with someone you ARE interested in sounds boring as hell. Go play some frisbee! I'd go but I'm terrible at sports, especially frisby. I know I'd just be feeling miserable, and it's 90 degrees out. I'm already sweating like crazy and I'm just sitting at a desk. The only sports I enjoy are hiking, biking and rock climbing.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I only mentioned boggle to him because it was an idea we had tossed around before and I couldn't think of anything else that didn't seem "date like." I was thinking maybe some sort of boggle drinking game, especially if the female roommate also joined in. But maybe now that it's been established that it's not a date, I have more options. Can you guys think of other fun things we could do that aren't super date like?
spookie Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I'd go but I'm terrible at sports, especially frisby. I know I'd just be feeling miserable, and it's 90 degrees out. I'm already sweating like crazy and I'm just sitting at a desk. The only sports I enjoy are hiking, biking and rock climbing. From my experience, people don't really mind if you're bad, especially if it's your first time. And with ultimate, it's like 90% running 10% frisbee. You're not gonna get better at sports by not playing them. I think sports (watching or playing) are like the #2 thing that brings people together. #1 being smoking cigarettes. If you're looking for shortcuts to get involved socially and to start feeling like you fit in, that's an easy one. Sorry for pushing ideas on you btw. I just really relate to your posts, and occasionally feel like I've just recently "solved" some of the problems you're dealing with in my own life.
paddington bear Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 that to me sounded like a lovely, let's not be awkward, text message. Why on earth would taking him up on it be awkward. He has done is level best in that short message to be anything but. I don't know anything about ultimate frisbee but it sounds like fun. Do it, do it, do it!!! Get out of your comfort zone and play ultimate frisbee (I am imagining the frisbee on fire so you've got to toss it to someone else real quick before you combust )
Author shadowplay Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 OK, guys I texted him that I'm free Friday night. He already had plans to meet a friend then, but he said it very well may end early, so we could possibly hang out after and asked if I wanted to play it by ear. I told him that sounded good. Unfortunately, I'm not free tomorrow or Saturday night and my ex will be back on Sunday...which means they'll probably be coming as a package from then on. I'm trying to avoid hanging out with my ex, but it's kind of awkward to hang out with this guy without my ex around when he's in town since they're roommates and friends, you know?
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I'm not trying to be pessimistic or argumentative. I just don't understand. 1. You know this guy thinks you're hot since your ex told you so. 2. He's also attractive (I think you said this) 3. He's friends with your ex 4. You guys are in your 20's and single And you're trying to start a platonic one-on-one hangout with him? It just seems like a bad idea on many levels, asking for trouble. A recipe for drama. I do think all the other stuff in your thread is good, in terms of what you're trying to do for yourself. It just seems there would be a more appropriate platonic person to pursue. I don't really like it this way, but I find simply avoiding those types of situations if I really want things to be platonic is the best approach. Good luck!
Author shadowplay Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 I'm not trying to be pessimistic or argumentative. I just don't understand. 1. You know this guy thinks you're hot since your ex told you so. 2. He's also attractive (I think you said this) 3. He's friends with your ex 4. You guys are in your 20's and single And you're trying to start a platonic one-on-one hangout with him? It just seems like a bad idea on many levels, asking for trouble. A recipe for drama. I do think all the other stuff in your thread is good, in terms of what you're trying to do for yourself. It just seems there would be a more appropriate platonic person to pursue. I don't really like it this way, but I find simply avoiding those types of situations if I really want things to be platonic is the best approach. Good luck! Right now my friend options are limited because I don't know many people. If the friendship doesn't pan out, I'm totally fine with that. Hopefully, over time, I'll meet more people which will allow me to be pickier. For the time being he'd make a good friend because we usually have good conversation and he's enjoyable to be around. Yeah, he's cute, but I don't think I want to date him because he's younger than me (22 or 23, I think), and I get the vibe he has "issues."
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Right now my friend options are limited because I don't know many people. If the friendship doesn't pan out, I'm totally fine with that. Hopefully, over time, I'll meet more people which will allow me to be pickier. For the time being he'd make a good friend because we usually have good conversation and he's enjoyable to be around. Yeah, he's cute, but I don't think I want to date him because he's younger than me (22 or 23, I think), and I get the vibe he has "issues." So he's 22, thinks your hot, and has issues? Not good friend material... maybe a good person, but the situation is messy. I wasn't mentioning that he's cute to suggest you should hook up or something, it just makes the situation that much trickier since if he does develop a thing for you, and happens to catch you on a vulnerable/horny/sucker for flattery/whatever day (we all have these!)... I'm sure you see where I'm going. Young attractive people just do silly things. Meh or I'm jaded. Just time and time again I found the best way to avoid drama is to avoid the situation. The best laid plans... Sorry if I missed it, but why can't it be some kind of group activity? It's the one on one part that jumped out at me. Especially since somewhere drinking games were mentioned (definite no no for platonic plans!)
Author shadowplay Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Sorry if I missed it, but why can't it be some kind of group activity? It's the one on one part that jumped out at me. Especially since somewhere drinking games were mentioned (definite no no for platonic plans!) That's what I wanted, but I don't know if it's going to happen. When I texted him I said "Ask [his female roommate] if she wants to join in," and he wrote back that he asked her and she said she's busy every night this week. And he's the only other person I know who is in town this week, so I don't know who else would come along. He doesn't have many friends in town either, but there is an ex roommate of his that I know vaguely and he sometimes hangs out with. This guy usually brings his female fck buddy along. Heh. Maybe I could ask my friend to invite them. But would that be weird since I don't know them all that well? Also, I don't want it to look like I'm that uncomfortable around him that I desperately need to create a group situation. I'd love to hear your input.
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I'd love to hear your input. Don't be so sure! I'd just stay home and work! Sounds like trouble! Really that's what I'd do. Where I live right now, I don't have a ton of social options, and some of them that I do are murky like this situation is. So I am moving away partially because of that, to go to a place I know more people and will go out more. So I have no good easy advice, sorry... EDIT oh yeah, and it's hard to get a group of people out sometime. Maybe try meetup.com. Serious advice, it's a good site if you have a particular interest that is social and want to find folks who are not connected to you through ex'es or whatever.
sunshinegirl Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I just read this whole thread and had so many moments of agreeing with Kamille, or Star Gazer, or TBF, or Spookie... you have a lot of REALLY good input from folks. I'd encourage you to bookmark or print the thread so you can re-read their comments again later. On your original question, which I think had something to do with smart men not liking smart women... all I can say is (a) I can relate and (b) this is simply the world weeding out the wrong guys for you! Promise. As to the comments about your vibe or attitude likely playing a role, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree. Last year I had descended to such a cynical place re dating that I had lost my center, lost my smile, lost my sense of adventure and hope for the future. And gee, what kind of guys do you think I attracted? Basically only ones that reinforced my cynicism. So I literally took a time out from dating to reclaim all of those things, and I made my peace with the possibility of never meeting the right man. That was about a 4-month period. Of course now I am writing from a happy ending (happy beginning) perspective, but I had no way of knowing that a year ago. A year ago, during those 4 months, all I knew is that a lightness returned to my step, I finally became comfortable in my own skin, I was excited about all of the other good things happening in my life (work, hobbies, friends, family), and I recaptured a sense of gratitude at what I had instead of what I didn't have. (And believe me, I spent plenty of my life comparing myself to others and wondering why I wasn't getting hit on, why I didn't have X or Y or Z thing or person or relationship that others had, and wasn't I good enough or good looking enough? Indeed, was I too weird?) (Oh, it is SO liberating to let all that crap go, I can't even tell you. At 35 I finally let it all go.) I am the proverbial cliche in that I met my now-fiance right after the hiatus, just when I got to a place of being truly happy with my life with or without a man. *** Okay - that's all meant to be a bit of a pep talk from someone who's felt many of the same things you have. (((hugs))) You'll get through this - that's the bottom line.
Kamille Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Look at that! Turns out you were right to write that second email after all! It cleared things up and now you two are on hanging out turns. I wish we could have convinced you to go to the frisbee thing. The wonderful thing about frisby is that 70% of the population sucks at it. Plus, you could have played for five minutes, seen how you felt and then laughed it off and opted for the sidelines. But I understand, I used to think I sucked at sports - well I do - so athletic activities always stress me out a little. But things are much different playing with adults than playing in school: here, no one is judging your performance. Everyone is there to have fun. If this were a pro ultimate frisbee league, he wouldn't have invited you. Another thing you have to realize is that this guy, and likely everyone you meet, have no idea that you feel lonely and are trying to make friends. He doesn't have anything on you and has no reason to judge you negatively from the start. They likely treat you as they would anybody else, and yes, that means sometimes taking time to respond and not realizing that sending out an invite means a lot to you. I wonder if you sometime lapse into thinking you're back in that moment when you were bullied as a kid, when it might have felt like the whole world was united in misjudging you. I had to do a lot of work on myself as an adult to get rid of that mindset. Bullying does scar - but it can be put in perspective.
Ariadne Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I wasn't mentioning that he's cute to suggest you should hook up or something, it just makes the situation that much trickier since if he does develop a thing for you, and happens to catch you on a vulnerable/horny/sucker for flattery/whatever day (we all have these!)... Yes. When things were not going well with Shadow's ex ex, she had an affair with his best friend guy. Now that she broke up with this guy, she started messaging his roommate for Friday night board games.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Yes. When things were not going well with Shadow's ex ex, she had an affair with his best friend guy. Now that she broke up with this guy, she started messaging his roommate for Friday night board games. I don't see anything wrong with that. So what if they get to know each better and eventually hook up? They are both single. As for him being her ex's roommate, her ex was a complete tool to her during break up and she doesn't owe him anything.
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I don't see anything wrong with that. So what if they get to know each better and eventually hook up? They are both single. As for him being her ex's roommate, her ex was a complete tool to her during break up and she doesn't owe him anything. Nothing's wrong with it, but it's best to go into things with your eyes open. Especially if it's drinking games on a friday night. If one sees probabilities one doesn't like with your eyes open, you can at least steer clear. But going in with eyes closed just leads to all kinds of trouble. At least it has for me from time to time. Maybe she's nothing like me.
Author shadowplay Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Bleh. I was walking downtown, and just as I was about to turn a corner saw the roommate about 30 feet away from me walking my direction on the same street. He saw me I think, but it may not have been clear from his perspective whether I saw him, since I noticed him at the very last second before I turned. I probably should have walked up to him or waved "hi" but I chickened out and pretended I didn't see him. Remember, this is the night we were probably going to hang out. He said he was seeing an old friend tonight, but we'd "play it by ear." He never contacted me, though. Now he may think I'm avoiding him because of the awkward encounter on the street. This is why living in a small city sucks. You can't just pretend somebody doesn't exist after things go awkward between you. Makes for a lot of awkward run ins. Finally, I just sent him a text message like ten minutes ago asking if he still wants to hang out. No response. Yet another flake. I'm really getting frustrated with people who explicitly say they want to hang out, give a time, and then flake out. Happens all the time. Stop it, people. It's lame. Whatever, it gives me yet another reason to cut all ties with my ex since whenever I hang out with him his roommate is around. In more positive news, my new roommate who just moved in is awesome. Really smart, sweet and cute. She's a grad student about my age. I definitely see friend potential, and I already have a newish friendship with my other female roommate who is now out of town. It's cool to finally have housemates that I like and can relate to.
SassyKitten Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Wow, I wish I had some similar advice, but I'm going through a similar frustration (better word for what I'm feeling than depression is). My avatar is a very good indication of what I look like, except I'm blonder now. However, I was a fat kid growing up, which killed my confidence. I'm also extremely affectionate, extremely loving, I know I have a lot to offer any man! But then society conditions men to be scared of women like me, where if I was a man with my qualities I would be beating off women with a stick. I am almost 30, and no man has ever told me he loves me, which sucks badly as I do need a man strictly for emotional and sexual reasons but could say I want a man more. I'm dreading another long, cold winter of going to bed alone. I have a very easy time attracting a man if all I want to do is ****, but it seems to be too much to ask to get a man to give me the kind of relationship I want. And I'm off my soapbox. Fingers crossed, hopefully it will get better for both of us!
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