threebyfate Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Your comment struck a chord with me. I would do anything to not care about the external. It would free me up from so much anxiety and sadness. I just don't know how to get there.The easiest way to get there is by building knowledge and accomplishments, no matter how little or great. The more interests you have, the more you have to discuss with other people. When you show an interest in what they like, a conversation sparks. From conversations, you get a connection. From a connection, you make a friend or if it's a guy, the added possibility of romance. The more you talk to people, the greater your confidence. And it keeps on building, month after month, year after year until nothing phases you. While you're doing this, you're also building your social network, so now, you're not relying on one or two people to stave off loneliness. As for accomplishments, same deal. Small victories. Internal dialogue should be: Today, I got a substantial tip from a customer who was very happy with my service. Rather than: Today, those aussies asked for the other girl's number. Positive statements to self. Constantly focusing on negatives in your life, expands them to outsized proportions.
Choboto Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 ya need to chill and smoke a bowl maam/sir. Let life flow and eventually youlll find your happiness tributary and flow on down the happy stream and wonder why you ever thought liek this. like i said in another thread i used to think i was meant to be lonely etc. 200$ worth of weed and 4 4th plateau triple c's trips later, i realized that being depressed wasnt worth it.
Engadget Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I've been depressed/suicidal for months now myself. Can't find a job, the future feels hopeless, don't even want to date, hate myself, hate my life and want to die. Wish I could make you feel better but I can't make myself feel better.
Author shadowplay Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 OK, I've had a rough couple of days, but today is better. I'm picking myself up again and getting back on track.
Kamille Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 OK, I've had a rough couple of days, but today is better. I'm picking myself up again and getting back on track. I'm so happy and relieved to hear it Shadow. I've been working on changing my approach to work lately, and as rewarding as it can be, it's really hard to let go of old mental habits. I don't know that not working like a maniac is going to be rewarding. I do know what working like a maniac feels like and I do know the rewards, as well as the pain that it brings. In a way, as draining, stressful and, often, counter productive as it is, it's also my comfort zone. It's how I make sense of my job. It's mostly served me right so far, even as I'm lapsing, this summer, into my second burn out in three years. I think you're facing the same kind of challenge on a different scale. The world does end up making sense to you when you lapse into BDD, even though it causes you a heck of a lot of pain. Meanwhile, you don't know what rewards the efforts of challenging those thoughts will bring. A part of me thinks we become so entrenched in our thought processes over time that when we start working on them and challenging them, they come back with a vengeance. The trick is to keep going, like Winston Churchill so rightly pointed out . So kudos SP on picking yourself up!
spookie Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 ya need to chill and smoke a bowl maam/sir. Let life flow and eventually youlll find your happiness tributary and flow on down the happy stream and wonder why you ever thought liek this. like i said in another thread i used to think i was meant to be lonely etc. 200$ worth of weed and 4 4th plateau triple c's trips later, i realized that being depressed wasnt worth it. I think he means, "find something to do that you love so much, it makes you happy," which is excellent advice. What are the things that make you feel joy you're alive? It could be something simple - preparing and eating a healthy meal. Or taking a walk on the beach. But it really helps with depression if you have a hobby that serves this purpose. Something to do which fills you up with happiness, regardless of how you're day's going, or anyone else in your life. For me it's running. As soon as I step outside, feel that pavement under my feet, the sun shining overhead... I understand why I'm alive. Usually I'm high at this point, too, so maybe Choboto also has a point about the drugs.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) I messaged that roommate of my ex last night, the one I mentioned earlier who I thought would make a good friend. I asked him if he wanted to play boggle some time this week (we've talked about playing boggle before when my ex was around). My roommates are all gone this week and so is my ex, so I have no one to hang with and I'm a bit lonely. Also, I'm trying to avoid hanging out with my ex at all. My intention in messaging him was entirely platonic, because he's fun to be around. And I tried to make that clear in this message, but maybe he took it the wrong way, as I was concerned he might. I've talked to him many, many times and hung out with him when my ex was there, so I know him fairly well. I mean doesn't this sound platonic? Hey, Everyone I know in --- is away this week. Want to maybe hang out and play boggle/scrabble or whatever some night? Or maybe we could figure out something else to do. I'm pretty bored. [his female roommate] can join in too if she's interested. I don't know either of your numbers. -Shadow He didn't respond. Arg. Whatever, his loss. I'll find other friends. The male housemate who just moved out wants to hang out with me and my other housemate (the one I'm friends with) this summer, so he's another potential friend. (He has a gf, so entirely platonic.) Also, another girl is moving in in his place. Maybe she'll turn out to be cool. Edited July 28, 2010 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) ^do you guys think my message above was weird or inappropriate? I'm always a bit unsure when it comes to social etiquette. Edited July 28, 2010 by shadowplay
Jilly Bean Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 How did you message him and when? I thought it was a perfectly acceptable and lovely invitation. Just enough vulnerability, while establishing it's platonic. Well done, Shadow. He'll respond.
Ilovehim Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I am very impressed with your posts and the way you express yourself. Also, I know it was hard for you to write this post. This may sound cliche but it's the truth. Us girls go through periods like this sometimes. We all have our insecurities and Im pretty sure every woman reading your post can relate to it in one way or another. You said you have BDD. Did you ever see a therapist for it? Best wishes to you love. You sound like a very intelligent, well put together young woman.
Ariadne Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Interesting, my ex said today -- and I really should cut off all contact with him -- that his roommate recently was commenting on how good looking he thinks I am, and that he mentioned to my ex how one night he was just sitting around thinking "damn, she looks good."...His roommate is hot too, but I never considered going there for obvious reasons. I messaged that roommate of my ex last night...My intention in messaging him was entirely platonic do you guys think my message above was weird or inappropriate? Is that the same guy? It may sound a little desperate of your ex tells him that he told you he found you hot and now you send him that.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Is that the same guy? It may sound a little desperate of your ex tells him that he told you he found you hot and now you send him that. Yeah, it's the same guy. Hmm...I didn't consider that, but I think his roommate said this awhile ago, so I kind of doubt it's relevant. Who knows, though.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 How did you message him and when? I thought it was a perfectly acceptable and lovely invitation. Just enough vulnerability, while establishing it's platonic. Well done, Shadow. He'll respond. I messaged him last night over facebook. Given that he hasn't responded already, I kind of doubt he will. Whatevs. Just another flake.
Ariadne Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Yeah, it's the same guy. Hmm...I didn't consider that, but I think his roommate said this awhile ago, so I kind of doubt it's relevant. Who knows, though. He must have been shocked for getting that sort of invitation from you and probably mentioned it to your ex.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 He must have been shocked for getting that sort of invitation from you and probably mentioned it to your ex. Well, he couldn't have already because my ex is away for the week and out of cell phone reach. I don't see what's so shocking about it. We already know each other pretty well, and have hung out a bunch of times in a small group.
Kamille Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 This really is no big deal, especially since what you're trying to establish is a friendship. He will likely get back to you once he has a clear idea of when he could meet up - or not - for a night of boggle. When it comes to making new friends, patience is a must. I find the people I want to befriend usually already have their own routines in place, so the challenge is finding a way to fit into that. He likely didn't respond because he has plans all week. The other explanation is that he's attracted to you but doesn't want to date you because of your ex. Therefore, he prefers not to go there. But great invite Shadow. Establishing friendships is as hit and miss as dating. You just have to keep putting yourself out there.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) Still hasn't responded, and I'm 99% sure he doesn't have much going on because I know how free his nights usually are. It occurred to me that maybe the guy my ex tried to set me up with told my ex's roommate about it. They're sort of friendly I think. That might make the roommate paranoid that I'm trying to date him too. It pisses me off, because I tried so hard to make the message obviously platonic and now I feel embarrassed. I don't want to get a bad reputation. I'm considering sending this message but wanted to check with you guys first since I'm really on the fence: Hey, I hope you didn’t get the wrong idea from my message. I tried to make it pretty clear, but that wasn’t my intention at all. I just wanted to hang out as friends. -Shadow At this point I don't really care about hanging out with him even as a friend because I"m pissed off that he didn't get back to me and I don't want to deal with the awkwardness of him thinking I like him. But I'm also troubled by the idea that he thinks I was coming on to him when I wasn't. It's a very small city and things get around. Edited July 28, 2010 by shadowplay
Star Gazer Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Do people really play games one-on-one like that? We're not talking chess in the park here. I mean, I like Catch Phrase, but if someone invited me to play it with just them, I'd be like, "Huh?" Granted, that particular game doesn't work with two people, but I'd feel the same way about any other game I like to play (chess, scrabble, etc.). To me, it would be a little bit of a weird invitation... but not something to take personally. Perhaps you can suggest something like a movie next time?
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I mean doesn't this sound platonic? Hey, Everyone I know in --- is away this week. Want to maybe hang out and (have sex) or whatever some night? Or maybe we could figure out something else to do. I'm pretty bored. [his female roommate] can join in too if she's interested. I don't know either of your numbers. -Shadow I believe that is how he read your message. Maybe a gay guy would think it sounded platonic? I understand what your trying to do, and I think your heart is definitely in the right place... I just don't think most guys would see it the same way. When you find one that does understand you... don't push him away.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) I sent him the message that it wasn't my intention. I don't really care if it means we can't hang out; I'm just annoyed that he assumed I was coming on to him and that he ignored my message...especially since I see him pretty often, so it will make things awkward between us. I'm going to stop trying to befriend guys. They're never interested and they always assume I want to date them. It's like I have to underline and bold everything so they don't get the wrong idea, and even then they do. Whatever. It's too bad since I do have an easier time relating to guys, but it's just too complicated. Also I don't get the vibe men ever want to be friends with girls, and when they do it's only in the hopes that they'll break the friend zone eventually. Edited July 28, 2010 by shadowplay
Kamille Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 The bottom line is: Who cares what he or his friends think? You know this. This is basic learn to love yourself stuff. And, unless you live in rural Georgia circa 1881,-or are still in junior high, which is much the same as rural Georgia circa 1881- I doubt the whole town is always of a single mind about one's reputation. Not to mention, he's allowed to think what he wants. You have no control over that. And there was nothing embarrassing about the invite you sent. You know this too. Let it go. Don't send him another email. He owes you an explanation, not the other way around. When you next see him, act casual. It was only an invite to hang out that didn't pan out. Don't make it a bigger deal by trying to control its effects.
Kamille Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 edit: was writing when you posted your update. Leaving the advice as is because the core message, that you shouldn't try to control what others think about you, is still applicable.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I sent him the message that it wasn't my intention. I don't really care if it means we can't hang out; I'm just annoyed that he assumed I was coming on to him and that he ignored my message...especially since I see him pretty often, so it will make things awkward between us. I'm going to stop trying to befriend guys. They're never interested and they always assume I want to date them. It's like I have to underline and bold everything so they don't get the wrong idea, and even then they do. Whatever. It's too bad since I do have an easier time relating to guys, but it's just too complicated. Also I don't get the vibe men ever want to be friends with girls, and when they do it's only in the hopes that they'll break the friend zone eventually. Completely understand what you meant when you sent him that message, and if he had not misread your intent he probably would have replied already. I think he isn't replying because he doesn't want to lead you on. Or... there is a possibility he is thinking it over an may respond in a week or so... I've done that before. Either way... I think the people that would be your best friends are going to be female. Just look at this forum... who puts the most time and effort into helping you? Who is the most understanding of your problems? Even when it's frustrating to them... they always throw some encouragement your way. If you want platonic male friends... your going to have to find guys that are very unavailable or don't find you attractive. Since your good looking I would say the former is a better bet than the latter.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Completely understand what you meant when you sent him that message, and if he had not misread your intent he probably would have replied already. I think he isn't replying because he doesn't want to lead you on. Or... there is a possibility he is thinking it over an may respond in a week or so... I've done that before. Either way... I think the people that would be your best friends are going to be female. Just look at this forum... who puts the most time and effort into helping you? Who is the most understanding of your problems? Even when it's frustrating to them... they always throw some encouragement your way. If you want platonic male friends... your going to have to find guys that are very unavailable or don't find you attractive. Since your good looking I would say the former is a better bet than the latter. Good point, most of the people I talk to on LS are female, even though in real life I've usually socialized more with guys (at least in recent years). Maybe this is my problem. Hmm.... I am working on making female friends, and I've already made one, which is a good start. It's just a bit scary for me because it's been so long, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 The bottom line is: Who cares what he or his friends think? You know this. This is basic learn to love yourself stuff. Not to mention, he's allowed to think what he wants. You have no control over that. And there was nothing embarrassing about the invite you sent. You know this too. Let it go. Don't send him another email. He owes you an explanation, not the other way around. When you next see him, act casual. It was only an invite to hang out that didn't pan out. Don't make it a bigger deal by trying to control its effects. Thanks for the input, and you're right! I knew this in my gut, but sent the message anyway. I don't feel bad about doing it, but next time I won't bother attempting to damage control in a situation where I've done nothing wrong.
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