gypsy_nicky Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Shadowplay, how many times have you been rejected by guys? When did the rejection/s happen (before, during or after a relationship)? When these guys rejected you, how did you show interest? How many did you ask out directly?
Ariadne Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Stories like TBFs and CE & Pyro are few and far between. But I still haven't given up hope for my own happy ending Yeah, I haven't given up hope either. And SP can go to a Mensa meeting since intelligence is so important to her. There are many of these clubs, some even higher restrictions and for sure she can find someone somewhat handsome and smart.
spookie Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) Also SP.... don't discount all "normal" guys because you think they they'll be boring, or won't get you. IMO your expectations for a relationship are VERY "normal", even if (in your own words) your personality is not. A more traditional kinda guy may be able to fulfill those expectations better than the artsy film-student-types you're typically drawn to. You would be surprised by how many intelligent, creative guys there are masquerading as Mr. Average Joe from next door. Of course, not all of them will "get" you, but not all of them won't. The kind of guy I, personally, imagine you ending up with, is like Greg from Dharma and Greg. Definitely normal, maybe even a little "boring" at first glance, but intelligent, ambitious, loyal, supportive, and accepting. (Not that I think you're anything like Dharma). Maybe you won't have everything in common, but a relationship is not meant to fulfill all your needs, and at least you can trust a guy like that not to abandon you on a whim. Maybe it's time to think outside the box in terms of your people picker. Edited July 22, 2010 by spookie
Green Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 This is true, but there are some things that were left out (probably because I mentioned them only briefly or I didn't discuss them on here). It doesn't change the truth. Face it. There was the guy 1.5 years ago who was a friend/acquaintance of my ex-ex. We had broken up (though we ended up getting back together), and when we weren't together I asked this guy if he wanted to hook up in an awkward email. Bad, bad idea. He wasn't interested. I would never throw myself at a guy like that again. Yeah a friend of your ex isn't exactly going to be dieing to get sloppy seconds of some guy he knows. Seriously, I really could care less if a girl has slept with guys before me... AS LONG AS SHE HASN'T BEEN ROMANTIC WITH MY FRIENDS... this caries true even if the guy is no longer friends anymore. It makes a barrier that makes it harder. Then there was this guy I liked last summer, and we were supposed to hang out and play scrabble, but then he kept blowing me off once I said something a tad bit flirty that suggested I was interested. Playing scrabble isn't exactly the most enticing of nights. Then recently this guy I liked and met through my ex. They were distant friends, but my ex told me it was fine to date him. My ex told the guy that I liked him because I think he wanted to help set us up. And I know he only said positive things about me to this guy, because I know my ex really well. Just trust me on this. I'm 100% sure. The guy said he wasn't interested. :/ What kind of posotive things did your ex say about you. She looks really good naked imagine me naked and having sex with her when you date her. She gives great bj's imagine that when you have your first kiss. Stop trying to date friends or aquantances of your ex's. Look it could work out but I personaly never EVER want to date or be setup with a friends EX. Then there was the guy who I met when I was searching for places to live, who asked me out for a drink and said I'd make a great "friend." And then when I got unintentionally really drunk at the bar and passed out (had to be carried out), he promised he'd call me again and never did. But I feel like he was only interested in being friends anyway. Yeah well what you forget to mention is how you ended up getting picked up by an ex. So not only did you get really drunk in front of a guy you liked but then the guy you liked had to watch a drunken girl get picked up by her ex. Seriously I see a comon theme here. Men having to to see your exes.
bananaboat11 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Shadow, I am a male, 25 years of age. Based on everything I've read - you are in a much better place than I. I personally don't know what to make of my life. I don't know what you physically look like, but from a POV of your intellect, maturity, and personality - I'd say you're gold. Most men today suffer many insecurities because of this so called feminist movement. No one will openly admit it, but I believe it to be true. Hey, don't get me wrong - I am 100% for equality among men and women... but I find that this perception of supporting a woman these days is dead. Women can support themselves. It's just another insecurity men have to deal with. Men subconsciously believe what separates them from the next guy? Financial stability? Penis size? Looks? Education level? I would say to you - don't be deterred from finding love one day. I am fortunate to have a lot of really GREAT things going for me and I've been blessed. I've had 2 failed relationships this past year. I haven't approached a woman since my 2nd to last relationship (this last one approached me every time). And I have no intention on approaching another woman for some time. I just... don't... want... anything anymore. I'm hopeful one day, but not now. And personally, I think that's fine. We're young.... it's about focusing on ourselves at this point, but being confident and secure... even with our own insecurities. And don't be ashamed of approaching men. It's the 21st century... it's commonly accepted. There is equality among men & women these days. Despite what people 'want' to believe. As far as improving yourself - you sound healthy. Continue believing and working on yourself. Don't stop. engage and bask in positive influences in your life. Don't go backwards... you can only get better at being you. Don't overthink situations. Just have fun. Don't be anhedonic either. Good luck. Here's to hoping we each find the right one.
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 Interesting, my ex said today -- and I really should cut off all contact with him -- that his roommate recently was commenting on how good looking he thinks I am, and that he mentioned to my ex how one night he was just sitting around thinking "damn, she looks good." So I guess at least some guys find me attractive. His roommate is hot too, but I never considered going there for obvious reasons. Trying to date a friend of an ex was bad enough, but the roommate switch isn't possible. A new reason to stop talking to my ex: it just introduces me to guys who are off limits by virtue of their association to him.
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 It's also interesting how attraction is completely non-linear. You can get rejected by 34 year old over-weight guy that still lives with his parents, but then some considerably hotter and more talented guy can go crazy for you. I've noticed this too. Sometimes the less attractive guys are almost more arbitrary in their preferences.
Hop_prophet Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Cheer up shadow! I've followed some of your posts and am sorry for all you've gone through lately. Maybe that is affecting your confidence and thats only normal. You seem like a very interesting person and and strong one too as it takes a lot of courage to ask someone out and face that rejection. Just be open and engaging and you will find a great guy. I have a lot of trouble asking women out, but just last night I was waiting for the cable car and this woman asked me a question to start a converstation and we ended up chatting for like 30 minutes. She was not smoking hot but she was cute and I definitely would have asked her out if I was single. Sometimes it just takes a little prompting. I don't think you need to be asking guys out, but just smile and maybe attempt a conversation. Good luck! I'm sure you'll be posting in no time about meeting someone new.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I've noticed this too. Sometimes the less attractive guys are almost more arbitrary in their preferences. It's not arbitrary at all. Believe me in this.
AD1980 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I've noticed this too. Sometimes the less attractive guys are almost more arbitrary in their preferences. Ive noticed that with women too..Ive hit on blah looking women who were much meaner to me then cute girls.. Maybe some people dont want to realize there place on the social food chain..
Author shadowplay Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Ive noticed that with women too..Ive hit on blah looking women who were much meaner to me then cute girls.. Maybe some people dont want to realize there place on the social food chain.. sometimes it's a sour grapes thing....or a coping mechanism.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 sometimes it's a sour grapes thing....or a coping mechanism. Most of the time its a defense mechanism. Also, why pay all the extra for Porsche when a Lexus will get you where you need to go.
Lovelybird Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Sigh, I had written out a long thought out reply that I lost because LS had booted me out. I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable. I get the impression that you're very ambivalent about being different. On the one hand, it's something you value about yourself - rightfully so-, while on the other, it's something you use to devalue yourself. What I was trying to say last night is that being outstanding is wonderful, but it isn't what you need to succeed in the dating world. I got the impression, reading some of your post, that you think that in order to attract a man you need to have a grocery list of outstanding and unique qualities. This isn't so. Dating isn't about being exceptional, it's about getting to know someone else. It's relational. It's about being comfortable enough in your skin that you can place the focus outward, onto the people you are meeting. It loving yourself enough that you can take the pitfalls and not internalize that as reflections on yourself, but as the general nature of the game. You are not going to be right for everyone, just like not everyone is right for you. That's why finding that one person is a miracle. As to your surprise at what Spookie and I say... I've been thinking about a friends of mine who does get approached a lot. She has performed the art of being approachable. Again, it's not something linked to pure beauty. I would say, from the pics I remember, that you're about on par with her. She always has a smile on her face, dresses in a classic kind of way, and when she walks into a bar, she looks around, looks interested in her surroundings, and looks non-threatening. She also always seats herself at the corner of the table, facing the area with the most people. I'm not even sure she realizes she does that. I think, by now, this is just second nature to her. The weird thing about her is that she also does the opposite of what you do: she over-evaluates interests. If a guy so much as looks at her, she assumes he's interested. Case in point: a mutual friend of ours had a period where he would hit on me at closing time in bars. I used to assume it wasn't out of interest but because he was desperate to take someone home and I just happened to be around. One night, we're at a bar where this guy is and she points him out and says: "that guy is so into me, last week he hit on me as we were leaving the bar". Basically, where you pay attention to the signs that guys aren't attracted to you, she pays attention to the signs that guys are attracted to her. And, my little list from earlier was to tell you that, from what I can tell of your experience, yes, guys are attracted to you. That, however, doesn't mean they're right for you or that you're right for them. Do you think you're approachable when out in public? Do you smile? Do you look like you're enjoying yourself? Do you make sure you present yourself as being open for conversation? -This often simply means being able to stand alone, while looking at peace and interested in your surroundings. You're allowed to have your preferences. The thing about off-beat guys is that they offer whirlwind romances. The trick is to work on yourself so that you manage to keep your balance when in a relationship with one of them. Make it not so much about them liking you as about whether or not you like them. Also, accept yourself. You are shy, be shy, work with it. Let men approach you. You make off-beat comments that some people don't get? That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means these people don't get your unique sense of conversation and humor. The right guy for you will. Accept yourself as you are Shadow. Next time you catch yourself thinking there is something wrong with you, challenge that thought. Ask yourself why it is that you feel that way and whatever it is - being shy, offbeat, different - tell yourself that it's okay to be that way. That that is something you like about yourself. This will deflect the attention from you and place onto the interaction and the person you are interacting with. Once you convince yourself you have nothing to prove to anyone, you won't be seeking for confirmation from conversations and or attracting men. And also, I do think you are challenging yourself on the friendship and work front. You will get there. You just have to grant yourself the right to think differently about yourself. That means accepting that you are unique and different, but that not everyone has to value that difference. As long as you do, that's what matters. It is great to read your post, Kamille, very well said !
Author shadowplay Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) Something happened tonight that made me feel like absolute sh54t. I work as a waitress, and I was doing my shift with one other girl. She's attractive, but shy and a bit unfriendly. Anyway, this group of young Australian guys came in. We both ended up serving them. At one point one of them asked me for a pen, so I had to go to the front of the store and retrieve it for him (which pissed me off since I was obviously very busy, it being a Saturday night). Then, a few minutes later he came up to me at the counter and said "can I talk to the other girl," and pointed to her. I asked her to come over, and I was standing right next to her when he gave her his number and said: "we're from out of town and staying in --- for the night. You should come hang out with us." I was standing right there, and he of course didn't mention anything about me coming along. My heart totally sank. I've been rejected before, but nothing like this has ever happened to me. It felt absolutely awful, and I was barely able to hold it together for the rest of the night. Also, I'm pretty sure this other guy we work with asked her out last week, and he basically ignores me. I think what makes it worse is before this happened I remember thinking before that she didn't seem to be getting attention, so maybe not all attractive girls get asked out. But of course I had to be proven wrong. I don't get it. I'm pretty sure I used to be attractive. Can somebody get worse that fast without putting on weight? It feels like I'm back in the same place I was in middle school or high school where I was entirely invisible to guys, and they were either hostile or indifferent to me. It seems like there's no way out. I'm either a hermit and stay in my shell, or I push myself and get repeatedly rejected. My confidence has actually taken a huge blow since I started pushing myself to get out more, and it was low to begin with. This isn't the way it's supposed to work. Every day that I"m out I push myself so, so hard, and it feels totally pointless. I've forced myself to be more friendly. I've gotten a lot better at socializing. When I've hung out with friends of friends, I've been impressed by how often I'm "on." I feel like I sound confident, intelligent, and charming, where in the past I would fumble for the right words. In fact I know I do. My body language has also changed. Yet it doesn't make a bit of difference to guys. I might as well be an idiot. My confidence has plummeted and my BDD is back full force, where before it had nearly disappeared for a long, long time. The only way I can possibly fathom out is plastic surgery, and who knows if that will actually work. But otherwise I'm trapped. But even that is loaded with problems, like I don't know where I'll come up with the money. Yet it really feels like the only possible glimmer of hope. Every day is crushing for me. I can't take this anymore. I came home tonight and just broke down crying in my bed. I spoke to my best friend briefly on the phone, and he's so worried about me that he's coming to vist tomorrow. I've been having suicidal thoughts on and off for the past week. I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know why doing the "right thing" for myself is making me feel on the verge of a nervous break down. Edited July 25, 2010 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) The weird thing is I have always valued myself, which I suppose sets me apart from most people with low confidence. Like I know that I have a bunch of amazing qualities. It's just that other people don't care or don't see it. I'm starting to think it's the former, and that most people (guys in particular) are just really superficial. I wonder if it would actually be easier if I didn't value myself and people treated me the same as they do now, because then every rejection wouldn't be so crushing and unexpected. But it's hard to take consolation in the oft-cited advice, "why would you want to be date or be friends with people who don't value all you have to offer." Sure, that's fine if it's just some people, but when it feels like it's all or even the vast majority of people, it's like I'm being excluded from the normal social activities that everyone around me enjoys (dating, hanging out with groups of friends and being appreciated by them). On Saturday or Friday nights when I leave work, I have to pass huge hordes of young people cavorting around town and enjoying the night life. It always kills me. Edited July 25, 2010 by shadowplay
MrNate Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Shadowplay, you've got to get yourself together. This is getting worse and worse. Have you looked at your sig lately? Why did you pick that one?
Amour Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Shadow, The society puts a lot of pressure on women about their looks. I think you are probably very cute but it is what you project. You are feeling depressed these days and that stands out and weirds other people out. Another thing is people (men and women) will ALWAYS compare. Most of my good buddies happen to be model-looking studs and when I go out with them I hardly have any chances. I approach girls they instead treat it like an invitation to go and throw themselves at my hot buddy who happens to standing by and did nothing in the first place. Needless to say I, having a male ego, feel like **** sometimes... On the other hand, when I go out with my regular-looking geeky buddy I often score and with plenty of girls..Now we only go out to get laid but I'm considering a serious relationship seriouly (just need to lose weight and get the geek out, I'm working on it).. So, see that's human nature. If a girl hits on me (it happens very rarely, I'm not attractive) and she happens to be with a hotter friend that's also friendly to me, I'll pursue the better looking one immediately... NOW, don't stress out. You probably are cuter and nicer than the girl the aussies were after but like I said you are depressed and what you project may appear as creepy...YES, we guys ALSO have the "creepy" red flag indicator... Even if that girl was hotter than you, who cares??? There always gonna be hotter chicks than you no matter how hot/cute/sweet you are.... Do not also forget that people are hypocrites and a lot of times go for socially accepted hot instead of what they really like out of ego and to cover up insecurities...I've been guilty of it myself... Cheer up, girl! Where do you live? I myself am now ending the stupid "how many chocks you laid" game and I am looking for a great girl for a potential relationship...I'm not hot but am very good in bed, intelligent (was lucky to get one of the best educations in Europe) and I do have great sense of humor..If you are in the ATL area I want to take you out..Mind you, you are not ready now for a relationship since you are emotionally hurt but we will give it time (if you live near by and we end up liking each other of course)...See, I didn't ask for your pic since I already know you are cute and a great personality you have from what I can see... So, head up! Don't get into the society controlled LOOKS-based BS! I await your reply.
Kamille Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Something happened tonight that made me feel like absolute sh54t. I work as a waitress, and I was doing my shift with one other girl. She's attractive, but shy and a bit unfriendly. Anyway, this group of young Australian guys came in. We both ended up serving them. At one point one of them asked me for a pen, so I had to go to the front of the store and retrieve it for him (which pissed me off since I was obviously very busy, it being a Saturday night). Then, a few minutes later he came up to me at the counter and said "can I talk to the other girl," and pointed to her. I asked her to come over, and I was standing right next to her when he gave her his number and said: "we're from out of town and staying in --- for the night. You should come hang out with us." I was standing right there, and he of course didn't mention anything about me coming along. My heart totally sank. I've been rejected before, but nothing like this has ever happened to me. It felt absolutely awful, and I was barely able to hold it together for the rest of the night. Also, I'm pretty sure this other guy we work with asked her out last week, and he basically ignores me. I think what makes it worse is before this happened I remember thinking before that she didn't seem to be getting attention, so maybe not all attractive girls get asked out. But of course I had to be proven wrong. Shadow, you need to get some perspective. This guy was hitting on that girl because he found her attractive. It doesn't say anything about you. He didn't invite you probably because he wanted to make sure that girl knew he was into her. Why are you making this something about you? Did you see all their interactions and what led up to the invite? Maybe she simply asked them were they were from and made a joke he thought was cute. The bottom line is, why are you taking something that isn't about you at all so personally? Aren't people allowed to be attracted to other people anymore? I feel like I've been in that scenario before, of having guys hit on a friend or coworker without paying attention to me and it never would have crossed my mind to be offended. I probably was excited for her. It makes me wonder if you think a relationship will solve your loneliness, so you mistakenly think that feeling attractive will solve your loneliness. I understand you feel that being approached by men would make you feel included in social life, but what are you doing to let people into your life? Did you flirt and smile with those Aussies? Did you ask them questions about themselves? Or do you expect an invite to fall out of the sky, just out of reverence for sheer beauty? Your dysmorphia is making you mistake things that are relational as being superficially linked to physical beauty. Don't do this to yourself Shadow. Take the time to put things into perspective and continue to challenge yourself. right now, you need to make it about you and what you put out there, not about how people approach or react to you.
Kamille Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Oh and ps: again, that wasn't a rejection. You haven't been rejected. Your coworker was hit on. Please tell me you understand this significant difference.
Els Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Shadow, I wish I could be all encouraging, but somewhere along the way I learnt this: Life isn't always fair, and you don't always get all the good things you deserve for being a great person. Many guys, especially young college guys (as they appear to be), ARE extremely shallow. It's all about 'getting the hot girl in the sack', at this point of life, for them. Think about it for a second: What if the positions were reversed, you were with a far less attractive (but friendly, nice, etc) coworker, and they asked you and ignored her. Would that make you feel any better? Would you WANT to be asked out by a person who could be rude enough to do that? And yes... it IS rude, no matter how you spin it. You don't pointedly ask someone to hang out while her friend is standing there, and completely ignore the friend. This isn't about you. It's just the way the society of youths has become. You absolutely will be hit on less than the 'very hot' girls. But that may be a blessing in disguise, as it may have spared you the worst of humanity. Believe me, guys who ask girls out solely on the premise of appearances (while being rude enough to ignore their friend) do not make for good, long-term, committed partners, which is what you want. Had they asked you instead and you'd accepted, it would probably have led to a casual fling/FWB situation and left you heartbroken.
Author shadowplay Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Shadow, I wish I could be all encouraging, but somewhere along the way I learnt this: Life isn't always fair, and you don't always get all the good things you deserve for being a great person. Many guys, especially young college guys (as they appear to be), ARE extremely shallow. It's all about 'getting the hot girl in the sack', at this point of life, for them. Think about it for a second: What if the positions were reversed, you were with a far less attractive (but friendly, nice, etc) coworker, and they asked you and ignored her. So you're assuming I'm far less attractive? I think this is partly what gets to me. Before this happened, I didn't even think she was necessarily any more attractive than I am. Not that there's anything wrong with a girl being prettier, but it makes me feel like my perception of my own attractiveness was too high, because I wouldn't say this girl is unusually pretty. It was like "oh, I guess I really am just not attractive, or I guess I really am just average." The thing that's weird is people always told me that looks was the last thing I had to worry about because I am attractive, but I guess that's not the case.
Author shadowplay Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Shadow, The society puts a lot of pressure on women about their looks. I think you are probably very cute but it is what you project. You are feeling depressed these days and that stands out and weirds other people out. Another thing is people (men and women) will ALWAYS compare. Most of my good buddies happen to be model-looking studs and when I go out with them I hardly have any chances. I approach girls they instead treat it like an invitation to go and throw themselves at my hot buddy who happens to standing by and did nothing in the first place. Needless to say I, having a male ego, feel like **** sometimes... On the other hand, when I go out with my regular-looking geeky buddy I often score and with plenty of girls..Now we only go out to get laid but I'm considering a serious relationship seriouly (just need to lose weight and get the geek out, I'm working on it).. So, see that's human nature. If a girl hits on me (it happens very rarely, I'm not attractive) and she happens to be with a hotter friend that's also friendly to me, I'll pursue the better looking one immediately... NOW, don't stress out. You probably are cuter and nicer than the girl the aussies were after but like I said you are depressed and what you project may appear as creepy...YES, we guys ALSO have the "creepy" red flag indicator... Even if that girl was hotter than you, who cares??? There always gonna be hotter chicks than you no matter how hot/cute/sweet you are.... Do not also forget that people are hypocrites and a lot of times go for socially accepted hot instead of what they really like out of ego and to cover up insecurities...I've been guilty of it myself... Cheer up, girl! Where do you live? I myself am now ending the stupid "how many chocks you laid" game and I am looking for a great girl for a potential relationship...I'm not hot but am very good in bed, intelligent (was lucky to get one of the best educations in Europe) and I do have great sense of humor..If you are in the ATL area I want to take you out..Mind you, you are not ready now for a relationship since you are emotionally hurt but we will give it time (if you live near by and we end up liking each other of course)...See, I didn't ask for your pic since I already know you are cute and a great personality you have from what I can see... So, head up! Don't get into the society controlled LOOKS-based BS! I await your reply. I understand that people compare, but I feel like if the guys had thought we were both attractive, they would have invited me along. After all there were three guys. So like I don't even pass as attractive enough to come along.
Author shadowplay Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Oh and ps: again, that wasn't a rejection. You haven't been rejected. Your coworker was hit on. Please tell me you understand this significant difference. If she were merely hit on that would be one hting, but the guy so blatantly ignored me and didn't give me an invite. I was basically rejected.
anne1707 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Shadow You are taking all this way too seriously. You were not rejected at all. If this had not happened, would you have been thinking about these men still? Would you be wondering why they had not expressed an interest in you? Probably not because you were not interested (until they asked someone else out). Just think of how negatively you are coming across on this board (sorry to be tough but I think you need it). You will be doing this IRL too and people will pick up on it - that is definitely not attractive and will not encourage others to approach you. After all, you did say that you were pi$$ed off with them asking you to get a pen - they probably picked up on that and decided you were a no go. Attraction is not just down to looks - self-confidence is a huge part of it and if you are being so negative about yourself, it will not do you any favours.
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