really depressed today

[electricity]

I didn't believe it till it happened to me, but... let serendipity happen. In the meantime, do your utmost to make yourself happy. When you're happy, others are more attracted to you, both platonically and romantically. Socialize with other happy people who're satisfied with where they are in life - it'll rub off on you. I've found happiness to be a feed-forward loop - happiness begets more happiness.

 

The same goes for depression. It's OK to feel down once in awhile (I know I do so fairly regularly, and I totally blame it on hormones ), but set a time limit for that. If you're feeling depressed for any longer than one evening, for instance, call a friend over and bake cookies, watch a chick flick, plan a weekend trip, or whatever makes you feel good.

 

Since my break up three months ago, I've been doing everything I can to improve myself and I've made a lot of progress. I've forced myself to socialize more, I've gotten a job, I've moved to a new, better place. Those changes have been for myself, but I always hoped they'd have the side benefit of making me more desirable to guys. I think this hope is completely natural for anyone. Clearly, they haven't had that effect. I feel like everything I value about myself guys don't care about.

 

That's a great start. Have those changes made you happy? If not, evaluate why not, and keep making changes until you're feeling happier.

[shadowplay]

What do you mean you've been rejected a lot? From what I was able to follow on here, your situation is far from being as stark as what you describe in this thread. As far as I know, you were dating your ex ex, had a fling with that other guy, got back together with ex ex and then stayed in a fwb arrangement with him for months. Then you asked out that one acquaintance of yours who agreed at first but then fizzled out for who knows what reason. Then you met your ex who was crazy about you up until the point he freaked out and backed out - because he's young and wasn't ready for a full-blown relationship. Am I missing something?

 

As such, I dispute your interpretation of your own experience. Things haven't worked out for you the way you've wanted, but not once were you outright flat out rejected.

 

This is true, but there are some things that were left out (probably because I mentioned them only briefly or I didn't discuss them on here).

 

There was the guy 1.5 years ago who was a friend/acquaintance of my ex-ex. We had broken up (though we ended up getting back together), and when we weren't together I asked this guy if he wanted to hook up in an awkward email. Bad, bad idea. He wasn't interested. I would never throw myself at a guy like that again. Then there was this guy I liked last summer, and we were supposed to hang out and play scrabble, but then he kept blowing me off once I said something a tad bit flirty that suggested I was interested. Then recently this guy I liked and met through my ex. They were distant friends, but my ex told me it was fine to date him. My ex told the guy that I liked him because I think he wanted to help set us up. And I know he only said positive things about me to this guy, because I know my ex really well. Just trust me on this. I'm 100% sure. The guy said he wasn't interested. :/ Then there was the guy who I met when I was searching for places to live, who asked me out for a drink and said I'd make a great "friend." And then when I got unintentionally really drunk at the bar and passed out (had to be carried out), he promised he'd call me again and never did. But I feel like he was only interested in being friends anyway.

[pandagirl]

Shadow, you're allowed to have your bad days, but as good as LS is good for us to vent and talk about our problems, for someone like you, I feel like ruminating over things isn't healthy. As a person who has depression, I know ruminating over stuff like this will only make you feel worse, and you'll dig deeper and deeper into a hole thinking about it.

 

The truth is, you ARE attractive and intelligent. The problem isn't *you*, it's how you perceive yourself; you have to stop thinking so negatively. You're making a lot of progress, and you will still have your set backs, but next time you feel that urge to go into that "hole," ask yourself, "What good will this do?"

 

As for your examples of being "rejected." Honey, every one on LS has been rejected so many times! Not every guy is going to like us. I've been dumped and rejected along with the rest.

[Kamille]

You sound like me the summer I decided I was going to stop chasing guys and asking them out. I was scared and sure and certain that no one would ask me out and, to tell you the truth, it took me awhile before I got the hang of it.

 

Some of it is on here: one, this really really cute guy approached at a bar, only to prove to be the flakiest guy I ever dated. I had to work really hard at not taking it personally. Note the similarity with the not-roomate at a bar. I ran into that guy later on and found out he was dating someone else at the time. By then I was completely over him and didn't take it personally.

 

Then there was a guy I started dating who was nice and all, but it turned out he was head over heels in love with a friend of mine who had just gotten engaged. We ended things amicably. Again, I could have chosen to take it as a comment on myself, but truth be told, I wasn't that interested in him either. Who knows, your ex's friend might simply be into someone else right now, or else he doesn't really feel comfortable dating his friend's ex.

 

Then, there was a guy I did end up breaking my own rules and asking out because I was just too intrigued by him. We went out and everything was awkward. Didn't work out except now we are still friends.

 

I mention all of that to point out that your dating experiences are very similar to mine. Dating is a game of mix and match and not everything has to work out. In fact, as all of us on here can attest, most of the time it doesn't work out. It doesn't mean you aren't a wonderful human being with a lot to offer.

 

I think what you need to do is learn how to put yourself out there without expecting results in return. Flirt, but don't flirt with expectations. Have crushes, but never feel you have to do anything but enjoy finding a guy cute. Let the guys approach you if they want to date you. Your job is to have fun getting to know different people. Simple as that.

[spookie]

Dating is a game of mix and match and not everything has to work out. In fact, as all of us on here can attest, most of the time it doesn't work out. It doesn't mean you aren't a wonderful human being with a lot to offer.

 

Well-put, Kamille.

 

Shadow, I think you have a somewhat unrealistic perception of how other people's (love) lives are going. IMO, you are doing just fine.

Edited July 21, 2010 by spookie

[shadowplay]

I understand that everyone gets rejected. It's not the single rejections that bother me. It's the overall pattern. I've only dated *one* guy I was actually interested in. One guy since I started dating at the age of 18. The others were just people I settled for because they liked me and I felt like I had no other options (not doing that again). And I mean really settled in a very conscious way. That can't be common.

 

I understand that people have different types, but sometimes it feels like I'm nobody's type. Or at least not the type of anyone I'm interested in. As I wrote before, I'm not picky. I'd love to be, but I don't have the luxury of being picky. At this point it feels like if a guy is smart and not ugly (and tons of guys fall into this category), my chances are slim to none.

 

I don't get it, because I look at myself objectively and I seem to have a lot to offer. Every guy I've tried to ask about what they think it might be seems genuinely confused and surprised. Usually they say something about how hard it is to approach girls. Yet the obvious rebuke to is that it doesn't stop other girls from getting approached.

 

If I never get any interest, then how can I wait around and expect a guy to approach me?

 

When I was a teenager people always said, wait until you get to college, older guys will appreciate you more. Didn't happen. I remember being about 17 and playing jazz piano for my parents in their living room, and my dad glanced over at my mom and said, "A guy's really going to fall in love with her some day." That stuck with me for some reason. It makes me sad to think about. Maybe part of the problem is growing up I was often reminded of my valuable qualities by my parents, and they always said how I was such a great catch....and how so many guys must have crushes on me. I think that made it a lot more painful when I finally came in contact with reality. Whenever I bemoaned the difficulty I was having meeting interested guys, they always said "Dont' worry, Shadow. Your day will come." I'm probably just being ridiculous...

Edited July 21, 2010 by shadowplay

[Chocolat]

Yes! The bolded part describes how it is with me. I don't use big words in conversation, but the details I notice and talk about tend to be different. It's always a bit disheartening when I mention something that I found interesting or moving, and looks back at me with a blank stare.

 

I don't know; I'm still convinced that most men are turned off by women they perceive as really smart. Just did a quick google search, and found a few studies that support this idea. I know studies can be flawed (especially when viewed individually), so I take it with a grain of salt.

 

Why Men Prefer Women Who Play Dumb Rather Than More Assertive Women:

 

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1860049/why_men_prefer_women_who_play_dumb.html?cat=49

U-M study: Why men are attracted to subordinate women

 

http://www.ns.umich.edu/?Releases/2004/Dec04/r120804

 

 

Well, I can only speak for me since I don't actually know you... My take is that it is not intelligence that is off-putting -- there are guys who want a smart woman -- but rather it's that bit about being slightly off-center that causes problems. And, I should add: this causes problems with other women, too. Sort of like men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and I (we?) am from some third planet no one has ever heard of.

 

BTW, have you ever had your IQ tested?

[shadowplay]

 

BTW, have you ever had your IQ tested?

 

Yeah, when I was a kid.

[Ariadne]

When I was a teenager people always said, wait until you get to college, older guys will appreciate you more.

 

They said that to me too.. Then it was when I started working. Then all of them were married, etc.

 

And I never get asked either for what is worth.

 

But it's not true that you "only" dated one guy that you really liked.

 

You really liked your ex ex, then the other ex you asked him out because you were attracted and he said yes, and you were also mesmerized by the friend of the ex ex and he liked you too.

 

Yeah, things didn't work out and love is hard to find.. but what else is new.

[shadowplay]

Sort of like men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and I (we?) am from some third planet no one has ever heard of.

 

Ha. Out of curiosity, could you give me an example of the type of observation you might make that other people would view as off center?

[Kamille]

1) get picky. I waxed poetics on this one in another of your threads, one about friendship. You still have the right to choose who you want in your life. In fact, the sooner you grant yourself the right to decide who you let into your life and who you don't, the better you will fare in your relationships.

 

2) I get the impression that in dating, as in elsewhere, you have a form of circular thinking

 

I'm not in a relationship - there is something wrong with me- I'm different - all my past experiences prove there is something wrong with me - I'll never learn how to enjoy dating.

 

It's like someone deciding:

 

I can't dance - there is something wrong with me - All my past attempts at dancing failed- I'm different - I'll never be able to learn how to dance - I can't dance.

 

what if there's nothing wrong with you? What if this is just a period of adjustment? what if this just a step right now you're going through in learning to be comfortable with who you are, all on your own, without a man around to fill the loneliness?

 

Challenge yourself. Stop trying to explain how you're different and why dating is harder for you then for others. Accept that while you are unique and outstanding, you aren't on a different playing field then the rest of people when it comes to dating. Try and see your past experiences not as confirmations that there is something wrong with you but as valuable experiences that have helped you learn about yourself.

 

3) Last thing. Yes, you are unique, accomplished, beautiful, intelligent. But love isn't about being the most outstanding person out there. Else, most of us would be single and no? Love is about being comfortable in your skin and allowing someone else in your life. Another cliché but it's about being yourself. The first step to accepting yourself is to stop beating yourself up and stop looking inwards for flaws. Accept that this is your path, who you are and that you are ok with that.

 

I do think, with Spookie, that your expectations of dating are somewhat unrealistic. I also think your expectations of yourself are far too demanding. I feel like you believe that some women, the class of women you wish you belonged to, have men falling over themselves for them, all the time. I am not one of those women but I have outstanding, gorgeous friends who I used to think never faced rejection. It turns out they all did at one point. Time for a little humility. Accept it, as amazing as you are, you cannot escape what befalls most - if not all- people.

[spookie]

I understand that everyone gets rejected. It's not the single rejections that bother me. It's the overall pattern. I've only dated *one* guy I was actually interested in. One guy since I started dating at the age of 18. The others were just people I settled for because they liked me and I felt like I had no other options (not doing that again). And I mean really settled in a very conscious way. That can't be common.

 

Actually, it is.

 

The logic feeding your depression appears to be:

 

No one asks me out, so I must be unattractive. Given these facts, my chances of finding love are so slim.

 

The problems with this logic:

 

No one asks me out

Bulls!ht.

 

The potential roommate asking you out for a drink - that was a date in my book.

 

How often do you think normal people get asked out?

 

There was a 2-year gap between dates in my life till I met my boyfriend.

 

No one asks me out

 

Then you go on to rant about how you've only dated someone you were "actually" interested in once, and everyone else, you felt like you settled for. What do you mean by "actually"? At what point? Because with some people, I have been interested, only to find out I wasn't as I got to know them. And with others (well, with my bf), I felt like I was settling until I got to know them. So maybe that's not something to be unhappy about at all. Maybe all it means is, you haven't met the right guy.

so I must be unattractive

Come on, that's bs.

 

Some factors that may be limiting you are:

-shyness

-small social network

-people picker in terms of the guys you are drawn to (and have thrown yourself at in the past)

 

But you are unquestionably very attractive.

 

Given these facts, my chances of finding love are so slim.

 

Actually, I'm not even sure this is part of the discussion, but I am throwing that in there.

 

There are women who have dated multiple guys every month since they were 18 who are still single in their thirties. They have no trouble getting dates, yet a long-term relationship eludes them.

 

Then there are women whom no one has every expressed interest in, moreover, who are not attractive, and not the brightest bulb in the room either, who meet the right person one day, and are joined at the hip ever after.

 

Of course, most women fall somewhere in-between, but the point I am trying to make is, love isn't always a numbers game. For some it's fate, for some it's luck, for some it's hard work. Which one it'll wind up being for you, you probably can't even predict.

 

So, I hope you chill.

 

Forget dating, forget men, forget love. I think having some fun would do you tons of good.

[Ariadne]

Stop trying to explain how you're different and why dating is harder for you then for others.

 

There is some truth to this though..

 

I've seen girls fall in love with the first guy that comes along, a guy is somewhat cute and ulala!

 

So most of the times these girls have bfs.

 

Shadow seems to be in between, because she's been mostly in relationships since I've known her.

[spookie]

 

I do think, with Spookie, that your expectations of dating are somewhat unrealistic. I also think your expectations of yourself are far too demanding. I feel like you believe that some women, the class of women you wish you belonged to, have men falling over themselves for them, all the time. I am not one of those women but I have outstanding, gorgeous friends who I used to think never faced rejection. It turns out they all did at one point. Time for a little humility. Accept it, as amazing as you are, you cannot escape what befalls most - if not all- people.

 

Exactly what I was getting at, Kamille.

 

Shadow, there is probably no such class of women. This class is a myth. Everyone I have ever gotten to know that I believed belonged to it, after I understood their lives, I found out had all the same problems, issues, and vulnerabilities as I did. As everyone else. Rejection in one form or another is something all of us go through.

 

Moreover, to extend the thought: why would you want to be part of that class, anyway? Why is it so important for you to get asked out often?

 

Is it because you believe the opinion getting asked out expresses, indicates you are "better" than other women?

 

Or do you genuinely believe the lack of dates is hindering you on your pursuit of love?

Edited July 21, 2010 by spookie

[shadowplay]

1) get picky. I waxed poetics on this one in another of your threads, one about friendship. You still have the right to choose who you want in your life. In fact, the sooner you grant yourself the right to decide who you let into your life and who you don't, the better you will fare in your relationships.

 

2) I get the impression that in dating, as in elsewhere, you have a form of circular thinking

 

I'm not in a relationship - there is something wrong with me- I'm different - all my past experiences prove there is something wrong with me - I'll never learn how to enjoy dating.

 

It's like someone deciding:

 

I can't dance - there is something wrong with me - All my past attempts at dancing failed- I'm different - I'll never be able to learn how to dance - I can't dance.

 

what if there's nothing wrong with you? What if this is just a period of adjustment? what if this just a step right now you're going through in learning to be comfortable with who you are, all on your own, without a man around to fill the loneliness?

 

Challenge yourself. Stop trying to explain how you're different and why dating is harder for you then for others. Accept that while you are unique and outstanding, you aren't on a different playing field then the rest of people when it comes to dating. Try and see your past experiences not as confirmations that there is something wrong with you but as valuable experiences that have helped you learn about yourself.

 

3) Last thing. Yes, you are unique, accomplished, beautiful, intelligent. But love isn't about being the most outstanding person out there. Else, most of us would be single and no? Love is about being comfortable in your skin and allowing someone else in your life. Another cliché but it's about being yourself. The first step to accepting yourself is to stop beating yourself up and stop looking inwards for flaws. Accept that this is your path, who you are and that you are ok with that.

 

I do think, with Spookie, that your expectations of dating are somewhat unrealistic. I also think your expectations of yourself are far too demanding. I feel like you believe that some women, the class of women you wish you belonged to, have men falling over themselves for them, all the time. I am not one of those women but I have outstanding, gorgeous friends who I used to think never faced rejection. It turns out they all did at one point. Time for a little humility. Accept it, as amazing as you are, you cannot escape what befalls most - if not all- people.

 

I'm surprised by what Spookie and you have written. I've always gone with the assumption that average and above women get approached all the time. There was even a thread where a bunch of people were saying this a few months ago. And guys are always talking about how any halfway decent woman is constantly getting bombarded with guys. So it made me feel like I must be ugly or really off-putting in some way. But maybe that assumption is incorrect.

 

I feel a little uncomfortable with what you wrote in the last paragraph, because I never meant that I thought guys should be falling all over me. I just wish they would approach me every now and again.

[shadowplay]

Exactly what I was getting at, Kamille.

 

Shadow, there is probably no such class of women. This class is a myth. Everyone I have ever gotten to know that I believed belonged to it, after I understood their lives, I found out had all the same problems, issues, and vulnerabilities as I did. As everyone else. Rejection in one form or another is something all of us go through.

 

Moreover, to extend the thought: why would you want to be part of that class, anyway? Why is it so important for you to get asked out often?

 

Is it because you believe the opinion getting asked out expresses, indicates you are "better" than other women?

 

Or do you genuinely believe the lack of dates is hindering you on your pursuit of love?

 

No, it's definitely the latter. I feel like whenever I've complained about htis, people have assumed I want to be showered with attention. Why is that? If anything I think getting that much attention would get old and attract mostly superficial men. The truth is I just want some attention, even a very small amount, just enough so I have a few options and can meet a guy I like and don't feel the urge to settle. I dont think that's an unrealistic expectation, at least I never did.

Edited July 22, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I think you guys are on to something about my people picker. Even the guy I recently crushed on. He was kind of a weirdo. I mean not really in a bad way. He was just kind of eccentric seeming and a bit socially awkward.

 

I've noticed a pattern with me. I never feel attracted to typical, mainstream guys. They always need to be off-beat in some way. Normal guys bore me. Why is that? Maybe it's because I assume a normal guy wouldn't get me (since I'm kind of weird, and can be a pain in the arse) or we would be incompatible. But then the fact that these guys are all a bit weird presents its own set of problems.

Edited July 22, 2010 by shadowplay

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm surprised by what Spookie and you have written. I've always gone with the assumption that average and above women get approached all the time. There was even a thread where a bunch of people were saying this a few months ago. And guys are always talking about how any halfway decent woman is constantly getting bombarded with guys. So it made me feel like I must be ugly or really off-putting in some way. But maybe that assumption is incorrect.

I feel a little uncomfortable with what you wrote in the last paragraph, because I never meant that I thought guys should be falling all over me. I just wish they would approach me every now and again.

 

I'm a guy... for the record. When I approach a woman, I don't just go for the best looking female in the room. I look for someone I feel is attractive and has body language that interests me. Sometimes thats the girl that can't stop checking her watch or the woman laughing really loud... ect.

 

There are some things that will just put me off. If you look like your about to start cutting yourself at any minute... I'm going to avoid. Most of my friends feel the same. Moral of the story... pay attention to your overall aura.

[shadowplay]

A very good possibility considering your restricted contact with guys. The only problem is that sometimes you have to trade-off some right brain for left-brain. This includes giving up some EQ and creativity.

 

Maybe this is it in a nutshell. Men who have both sides going full bore are a very limited commodity.

 

Yeah my best friend has both in abundance, and he appreciates me more than any other guy I've ever met. But I'm not attracted to him. He's really overweight, and just generally not at all my physical type. It's unfortunate, because he's an amazing person: kind, dependable, creative, strong, extremely bright. I guess if there's one like him, there must be more, or so I hope.

[florence of suburbia]

Shadow, I'd be curious to see how it would go if you dated a man in his early to mid thirties. I know you've said in the past you're attracted to youth, but I think you should give it a try. Some of what you're dealing with is plain old immaturity, and thirty-something isn't really that old.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yeah my best friend has both in abundance, and he appreciates me more than any other guy I've ever met. But I'm not attracted to him. He's really overweight, and just generally not at all my physical type.

 

Please explain...

[shadowplay]

Shadow, I'd be curious to see how it would go if you dated a man in his early to mid thirties. I know you've said in the past you're attracted to youth, but I think you should give it a try. Some of what you're dealing with is plain old immaturity, and thirty-something isn't really that old.

 

I'd def be open to it. But I have no clue where I'd meet guys in this age group.

[florence of suburbia]

I'd def be open to it. But I have no clue where I'd meet guys in this age group.

Not sure...

 

Maybe online, as others have said.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Hey shadow, I can relate to your posts. I barely get approached in real life. I would seriously consider online dating. I have had a half-assed profile for a long time but didn't really log in much or even responded to anything.

 

Recently, I have given my profile an over-haul and started logging in every day. It's crazy. I am on a couple of sites and I could pretty much have a date for every day of the week (and I am fatter and older than you). Of course, lots of the guys are duds. BUT, if you do go through with meeting up, it will really help with date-nervousness. You will also see that some will reject you, you will reject others and you will learn to take rejections less personally.

 

It's also interesting how attraction is completely non-linear. You can get rejected by 34 year old over-weight guy that still lives with his parents, but then some considerably hotter and more talented guy can go crazy for you.

 

Also, my married co-worker told me recently how after you get married, you just exchange one set of problems for another. He also said that settling is so much more common than people realize and if you scratch beyond the surface/ many LTR couples are in fact incompatible and unhappy. I tend to agree with this.

 

Stories like TBFs and CE & Pyro are few and far between. But I still haven't given up hope for my own happy ending

[Kamille]

Sigh, I had written out a long thought out reply that I lost because LS had booted me out.

 

I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable. I get the impression that you're very ambivalent about being different. On the one hand, it's something you value about yourself - rightfully so-, while on the other, it's something you use to devalue yourself. What I was trying to say last night is that being outstanding is wonderful, but it isn't what you need to succeed in the dating world. I got the impression, reading some of your post, that you think that in order to attract a man you need to have a grocery list of outstanding and unique qualities. This isn't so. Dating isn't about being exceptional, it's about getting to know someone else. It's relational. It's about being comfortable enough in your skin that you can place the focus outward, onto the people you are meeting. It loving yourself enough that you can take the pitfalls and not internalize that as reflections on yourself, but as the general nature of the game. You are not going to be right for everyone, just like not everyone is right for you. That's why finding that one person is a miracle.

 

As to your surprise at what Spookie and I say... I've been thinking about a friends of mine who does get approached a lot. She has performed the art of being approachable. Again, it's not something linked to pure beauty. I would say, from the pics I remember, that you're about on par with her. She always has a smile on her face, dresses in a classic kind of way, and when she walks into a bar, she looks around, looks interested in her surroundings, and looks non-threatening. She also always seats herself at the corner of the table, facing the area with the most people. I'm not even sure she realizes she does that. I think, by now, this is just second nature to her. The weird thing about her is that she also does the opposite of what you do: she over-evaluates interests. If a guy so much as looks at her, she assumes he's interested. Case in point: a mutual friend of ours had a period where he would hit on me at closing time in bars. I used to assume it wasn't out of interest but because he was desperate to take someone home and I just happened to be around. One night, we're at a bar where this guy is and she points him out and says: "that guy is so into me, last week he hit on me as we were leaving the bar". Basically, where you pay attention to the signs that guys aren't attracted to you, she pays attention to the signs that guys are attracted to her.

 

And, my little list from earlier was to tell you that, from what I can tell of your experience, yes, guys are attracted to you. That, however, doesn't mean they're right for you or that you're right for them.

 

The truth is I just want some attention, even a very small amount, just enough so I have a few options and can meet a guy I like and don't feel the urge to settle. I dont think that's an unrealistic expectation, at least I never did.

 

Do you think you're approachable when out in public? Do you smile? Do you look like you're enjoying yourself? Do you make sure you present yourself as being open for conversation? -This often simply means being able to stand alone, while looking at peace and interested in your surroundings.

 

 

I've noticed a pattern with me. I never feel attracted to typical, mainstream guys. They always need to be off-beat in some way. Normal guys bore me. Why is that? Maybe it's because I assume a normal guy wouldn't get me (since I'm kind of weird, and can be a pain in the arse) or we would be incompatible. But then the fact that these guys are all a bit weird presents its own set of problems.

 

You're allowed to have your preferences. The thing about off-beat guys is that they offer whirlwind romances. The trick is to work on yourself so that you manage to keep your balance when in a relationship with one of them. Make it not so much about them liking you as about whether or not you like them.

 

Also, accept yourself. You are shy, be shy, work with it. Let men approach you. You make off-beat comments that some people don't get? That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means these people don't get your unique sense of conversation and humor. The right guy for you will. Accept yourself as you are Shadow. Next time you catch yourself thinking there is something wrong with you, challenge that thought. Ask yourself why it is that you feel that way and whatever it is - being shy, offbeat, different - tell yourself that it's okay to be that way. That that is something you like about yourself. This will deflect the attention from you and place onto the interaction and the person you are interacting with. Once you convince yourself you have nothing to prove to anyone, you won't be seeking for confirmation from conversations and or attracting men.

 

And also, I do think you are challenging yourself on the friendship and work front. You will get there. You just have to grant yourself the right to think differently about yourself. That means accepting that you are unique and different, but that not everyone has to value that difference. As long as you do, that's what matters.