denise_xo Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 SP, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way...but it seems like you're starting to value yourself based on what others think of you...and I know you're a lot smarter than that...we all go through bouts of rejection and of course it sucks...it makes us feel like we're not as desirable as we thought we were...but who's to say that the people who reject us are good judges of character and physical attractiveness...? You have also said that you're making new positive changes to you and your life...that's great! But you should be making those changes for YOU...not for anyone else...and certainly not for any guy...you're looking for an "effect" that you can't seem to find...but you shouldn't be looking for effects...you should be making yourself a better person because it makes you feel better...and if you still don't feel better about yourself after all that, then something else needs to change...perhaps you need to stop basing how you feel about yourself on what others think of you... Also, I have never seen a picture of you, so I won't comment on that...but from what I've seen of your personality as reflected in your posts, I think you've got good character...you're honest and delightfully straightforward...both of which are positive traits in my book...but as cliche as this sounds, it'll happen for you... Ditto. USMCHokie has got it just right.
Author shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Thanks for the responses so far, guys. I'm still digesting them, and recovering from feeling down yesterday. I'll write more thoughtful responses when I'm free later today.
Star Gazer Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I was just thinking... I'm not positive, but I could swear that you HAVE done online dating before, had guys message you, want to take you out, etc., and you were just a little freaked out and never followed through. That's interest, Shadow. That's asking you out.
Chocolat Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Maybe guys are hitting on you and you just don't see it. I'm a great example because it seems many women don't get my pickup lines. The last one I used was: "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" She walked away so quickly I don't think she realized I was flirting. :bunny::bunny: There's a lot of truth here, Shadow (well, not the chloroform part , but the rest). If you are at all like me (and I think you are in some respects, from what I read in your posts), you likely either read too much or too little into what a man says/does and can often miss light-hearted flirting. The other observation I have is one I will couch in terms of myself only, although, as I said above, I think we may be similar in this area. I am pretty smart and when people meet me in a setting where that smartness can show, I find I do not generate as much interest as I do in other settings. For instance, many fewer guys would approach me in a classroom setting than at the gym. I think there is a certain intimidation factor around smart women... or maybe just a sense that they will not be as much fun as someone else (and you are for sure a smart woman). And for sure, I enjoy talking about things that other people either do not notice (or care about) in the first place, or would just breeze past. When I am at the gym, lots of guys approach me because it is all based on appearance and not at all based on personality. I'm not convinced this is a good thing, but it's what it is. Finally -- and this will be small consolation, I expect -- I notice that I become more popular as I get older. Whereas my teens were miserable and my twenties just ok as far as meeting guys went, by my 30's things were really looking up. Hang in there.
Author shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 There's a lot of truth here, Shadow (well, not the chloroform part , but the rest). If you are at all like me (and I think you are in some respects, from what I read in your posts), you likely either read too much or too little into what a man says/does and can often miss light-hearted flirting. The other observation I have is one I will couch in terms of myself only, although, as I said above, I think we may be similar in this area. I am pretty smart and when people meet me in a setting where that smartness can show, I find I do not generate as much interest as I do in other settings. For instance, many fewer guys would approach me in a classroom setting than at the gym. I think there is a certain intimidation factor around smart women... or maybe just a sense that they will not be as much fun as someone else (and you are for sure a smart woman). And for sure, I enjoy talking about things that other people either do not notice (or care about) in the first place, or would just breeze past. When I am at the gym, lots of guys approach me because it is all based on appearance and not at all based on personality. I'm not convinced this is a good thing, but it's what it is. Finally -- and this will be small consolation, I expect -- I notice that I become more popular as I get older. Whereas my teens were miserable and my twenties just ok as far as meeting guys went, by my 30's things were really looking up. Hang in there. I was going to post something similar to this. I'm starting to think that a lot of guys (even many smart ones) are either indifferent to or actively turned off by smart women who let their intelligence show in conversation. I used to think it was just a myth, and that surely smart guys must like smart women. But my opinion on this has shifted. It's funny because I was listening to an episode of This American Life where a nerdy girl talked about how one of the ways she became more popular with guys was by playing dumb. Often when I start talking about anything remotely non-fluff with a guy, his eyes glaze over, even if he's bright himself. And I don't mean esoteric stuff. I could be making observations about a movie. Maybe the problem is I'm socializing with guys who are bright but not that smart. Or maybe most guys are like this. Shrug. Sure most smart guys like the idea of a smart woman in theory, but it seems like what they respond to in practice is different. Like their idea of a smart woman may be Tina Fey glasses, brown hair, and a spunky Ellen Page personality. That's an oversimplification, of course, but I think it holds some truth. I know there are some guys who genuinely appreciate intelligent women (I've met a couple), but they're rare.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 You need to put on weight, you are far too skinny. This is probably a factor. 115lbs at 5'5" is within healthy BMI range if she has a small frame.
Author shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 You need to put on weight, you are far too skinny. This is probably a factor. I doubt it. If anything I get more attention when I'm thinner than I am now.
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 You need to put on weight, you are far too skinny. This is probably a factor.Why would you say this to someone who admits to body dysmorph? Realistically speaking, shadow has a kick-ass body.
northstar1 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Shadow, I've never seen a pic of you, but your intelligence alone speaks volumes of your appeal. If I was your age, I'd definitely think you to be a good catch.
Chocolat Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Often when I start talking about anything remotely non-fluff with a guy, his eyes glaze over, even if he's bright himself. And I don't mean esoteric stuff. I could be making observations about a movie. Maybe the problem is I'm socializing with guys who are bright but not that smart. Or maybe most guys are like this. Shrug. What I have noticed -- although it took me longer than it should have, perhaps, to be aware of this -- is that even when I am talking about oridnary stuff (a movie, whatever), I am either far more intense (tone, vocabulary) than others are or I notice details that others do not notice (or do not care about). It seems I am always just a degree or two off center from where most people are. Anyway, I don't know that it's that guys don't like smart women, but maybe that you need to find a guy who is smart in the same way. So much easier said than done, I know.
bayouboi Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Well, I vote you post some more pics. That way at least the rest of us can be happier
Author shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 What I have noticed -- although it took me longer than it should have, perhaps, to be aware of this -- is that even when I am talking about oridnary stuff (a movie, whatever), I am either far more intense (tone, vocabulary) than others are or I notice details that others do not notice (or do not care about). It seems I am always just a degree or two off center from where most people are. Anyway, I don't know that it's that guys don't like smart women, but maybe that you need to find a guy who is smart in the same way. So much easier said than done, I know. Yes! The bolded part describes how it is with me. I don't use big words in conversation, but the details I notice and talk about tend to be different. It's always a bit disheartening when I mention something that I found interesting or moving, and looks back at me with a blank stare. I don't know; I'm still convinced that most men are turned off by women they perceive as really smart. Just did a quick google search, and found a few studies that support this idea. I know studies can be flawed (especially when viewed individually), so I take it with a grain of salt. Why Men Prefer Women Who Play Dumb Rather Than More Assertive Women: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1860049/why_men_prefer_women_who_play_dumb.html?cat=49 U-M study: Why men are attracted to subordinate women http://www.ns.umich.edu/?Releases/2004/Dec04/r120804
bayouboi Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Yes! The bolded part describes how it is with me. I don't use big words in conversation, but the details I notice and talk about tend to be different. It's always a bit disheartening when I mention something that I found interesting or moving, and looks back at me with a blank stare. I don't know; I'm still convinced that most men are turned off by women they perceive as really smart. Just did a quick google search, and found a few studies that support this idea. I know studies can be flawed (especially when viewed individually), so I take it with a grain of salt. Why Men Prefer Women Who Play Dumb Rather Than More Assertive Women: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1860049/why_men_prefer_women_who_play_dumb.html?cat=49 U-M study: Why men are attracted to subordinate women http://www.ns.umich.edu/?Releases/2004/Dec04/r120804 Makes sense to me. I want to feel needed by my woman and I want to feel like I'm the only man for her. An "intelligent" woman doesn't "need" a man and is usually quick to make that point.
USMCHokie Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Yes! The bolded part describes how it is with me. I don't use big words in conversation, but the details I notice and talk about tend to be different. It's always a bit disheartening when I mention something that I found interesting or moving, and looks back at me with a blank stare. Then I think you and I would get along quite well...
USMCHokie Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Makes sense to me. I want to feel needed by my woman and I want to feel like I'm the only man for her. An "intelligent" woman doesn't "need" a man and is usually quick to make that point. Wouldn't you rather feel wanted by a woman rather than needed...? I'd much rather be with a woman who was just fine on her own but actually wanted to be with me because it added to her already complete life...
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 shadow, for what it's worth, my experience with intelligent men is that they're not intimidated by intelligent women. If anything, it's part of the package value. The guys who are intimidated, aren't really worth your time.
Green Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 115lbs at 5'5" is within healthy BMI range if she has a small frame. I seriously find it very insulting when people tell girls to put on weight
bayouboi Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Wouldn't you rather feel wanted by a woman rather than needed...? I'd much rather be with a woman who was just fine on her own but actually wanted to be with me because it added to her already complete life... Not really. My last g/f expressed that all the time "I don't NEED a man, I'm with you because I WANT to be". I never felt cherished or valued by her. It also seemed more vulnerable to whimsical changes in attitude. It kept me on edge. However, I've been guilty of the other extreme where I felt needed and therefore became complacent and didn't attend to my woman's needs. So I guess the balance is that I want a woman that needs me as much as I need her
Author shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 shadow, for what it's worth, my experience with intelligent men is that they're not intimidated by intelligent women. If anything, it's part of the package value. The guys who are intimidated, aren't really worth your time. This is why I'm wondering if I'm just not hanging out with the brightest guys.
Author shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 An "intelligent" woman doesn't "need" a man and is usually quick to make that point. All women have needs, regardless of intelligence level. An intelligent, successful woman may not need a guy to financially support her, but she still has emotional needs.
Author shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Why would you say this to someone who admits to body dysmorph? Realistically speaking, shadow has a kick-ass body. thanks!
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 This is why I'm wondering if I'm just not hanging out with the brightest guys.A very good possibility considering your restricted contact with guys. The only problem is that sometimes you have to trade-off some right brain for left-brain. This includes giving up some EQ and creativity. Maybe this is it in a nutshell. Men who have both sides going full bore are a very limited commodity.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Yes! The bolded part describes how it is with me. I don't use big words in conversation, but the details I notice and talk about tend to be different. It's always a bit disheartening when I mention something that I found interesting or moving, and looks back at me with a blank stare. I don't know; I'm still convinced that most men are turned off by women they perceive as really smart. Just did a quick google search, and found a few studies that support this idea. I know studies can be flawed (especially when viewed individually), so I take it with a grain of salt. Why Men Prefer Women Who Play Dumb Rather Than More Assertive Women: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1860049/why_men_prefer_women_who_play_dumb.html?cat=49 U-M study: Why men are attracted to subordinate women http://www.ns.umich.edu/?Releases/2004/Dec04/r120804 Shadow... dumb guys like dumb girls. Smart guys like smart women. Intelligence is just an excuse. When I was young, I could not believe that anyone would like me. Everything I saw reinforced that belief. It was not true there were women who liked me. I see that now looking back. shadow, for what it's worth, my experience with intelligent men is that they're not intimidated by intelligent women. If anything, it's part of the package value. The guys who are intimidated, aren't really worth your time. Exactly.
Kamille Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 What do you mean you've been rejected a lot? From what I was able to follow on here, your situation is far from being as stark as what you describe in this thread. As far as I know, you were dating your ex ex, had a fling with that other guy, got back together with ex ex and then stayed in a fwb arrangement with him for months. Then you asked out that one acquaintance of yours who agreed at first but then fizzled out for who knows what reason. Then you met your ex who was crazy about you up until the point he freaked out and backed out - because he's young and wasn't ready for a full-blown relationship. Am I missing something? As such, I dispute your interpretation of your own experience. Things haven't worked out for you the way you've wanted, but not once were you outright flat out rejected.
Green Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 What do you mean you've been rejected a lot? From what I was able to follow on here, your situation is far from being as stark as what you describe in this thread. As far as I know, you were dating your ex ex, had a fling with that other guy, got back together with ex ex and then stayed in a fwb arrangement with him for months. Then you asked out that one acquaintance of yours who agreed at first but then fizzled out for who knows what reason. Then you met your ex who was crazy about you up until the point he freaked out and backed out - because he's young and wasn't ready for a full-blown relationship. Am I missing something? As such, I dispute your interpretation of your own experience. Things haven't worked out for you the way you've wanted, but not once were you outright flat out rejected. this about sums it up
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