BF's method of dealing with bad news

[bayouboi]

me me me me me i i i me i me i me me me i i i i i i i mememememememe

[carhill]

My perception is that LDR BF, if an adult, handles rejection and disappointment unhealthily. That is his path, for now. Can you accept that path and love him in a way which supports it?

[stace79]

What's done, is done. Now how are you two going to resolve this problem?

 

It seems like both of you think you are right in this situation. You feel like he was insensitive and unthoughtful; he probably thinks you didn't respect his space and kept on pushing him when he was down and needed alone time.

 

So, now you have to communicate and resolve this issue, so this doesn't happen again.

 

He called me twice last night, as well as texted. I talked to him briefly before bed, but didn't have much to say. He tried to call again this morning on the way to work.

 

I appreciate that he is going through a rough time, and rejection about a job is always disheartening. I went through a very similar situation as his about two years ago.

 

However, he's got to be able to find some middle ground with me on this issue, or I know I won't be happy in the relationship. I don't want to be with a man who, every time he gets some bad news, has to run away and totally shun me for 48 hours or more.

 

My personality is such that I thrive off of personal interaction with him and also from helping people with their problems. When he treats me as though he is mad at me and won't even allow me to try to comfort him, it pushes me away and makes me feel unloved, abandoned and eventually indifferent toward him.

 

I respect that he has a right to behave in whatever way he wants, but I have to decide if his reaction to bad news is something I can live with in a relationship.

[stace79]

My perception is that LDR BF, if an adult, handles rejection and disappointment unhealthily. That is his path, for now. Can you accept that path and love him in a way which supports it?

 

Ha -- that is the real question. I think it's unhealthy, too. He just wanted to sit and sulk, and he has this fatalist attitude. He said that this might have been his "only opportunity" in his field, and he'll never get another chance, blah blah.

 

I'm going to talk to him later about all this and try to have a calm discussion. But yes, the way he handles disappointment really bothers me.

[carhill]

IMO, these issues are aspects of compatibility. No two people are perfectly compatible, but complimenting each other's 'style' appears to be essential for a healthy LTR.

 

Something else to assess is whether his disappointment/challenge handling path is situational or global. Say, for example, a close relative of his was deathly ill. Would he handle it the same way, by disconnecting from you to 'deal' with it? Or, different. Think of some examples from your actual experiences. If his perspective is global (unknown), and this is disappointing to you, it may be an irreconcilable issue of compatibility; an essential emotional style difference.

 

To your knowledge, when he has these episodes of disappointment, does he confide in *anyone*? If yes, what is your sense of that?

 

'When you reject my offers of love and support during a difficult time, I feel abandoned and unappreciated. My desire, if we are to be a couple, is to face the challenges of life *together*. How do you feel about that?'

 

Change the verbiage as appropriate, but clearly communicate your *feelings*. Then, listen. Accept what you hear. Don't argue about or fight it. Take it in. That's who he is. Is it acceptable?

 

Good luck

[stace79]

IMO, these issues are aspects of compatibility. No two people are perfectly compatible, but complimenting each other's 'style' appears to be essential for a healthy LTR.

 

Something else to assess is whether his disappointment/challenge handling path is situational or global. Say, for example, a close relative of his was deathly ill. Would he handle it the same way, by disconnecting from you to 'deal' with it? Or, different. Think of some examples from your actual experiences. If his perspective is global (unknown), and this is disappointing to you, it may be an irreconcilable issue of compatibility; an essential emotional style difference.

 

To your knowledge, when he has these episodes of disappointment, does he confide in *anyone*? If yes, what is your sense of that?

 

I don't think he confides in anyone, but I'm not 100% positive. I would like to ask without coming across as accusatory. That was one thing that hurt while we weren't speaking: the idea that maybe he was taking calls from other people, just not me.

 

'When you reject my offers of love and support during a difficult time, I feel abandoned and unappreciated. My desire, if we are to be a couple, is to face the challenges of life *together*. How do you feel about that?'

 

Change the verbiage as appropriate, but clearly communicate your *feelings*. Then, listen. Accept what you hear. Don't argue about or fight it. Take it in. That's who he is. Is it acceptable?

 

Good luck

That is perfect! Thank you. I will definitely use that.

 

I do agree that this might be a difference in our emotional styles that is insurmountable. I recently took the Meyers Briggs test for work (again), and it told me a lot about why this affected me so much. My personality thrives on helping other people, often at the expense of my own needs. So in essence he is taking away a core part of who I am by not allowing me to try to help him. Maybe his personality just isn't compatible with that part of mine!

[torranceshipman]

My personality thrives on helping other people, often at the expense of my own needs. QUOTE]

 

This is the root of the problem. You come across as self absorbed in this post, yet your perception of yourself is something quite different.

 

You know yourself better than I do! - so I am sure that you have examples of going out of your way to help others, and it is nice that you do that. But in THIS post, your actions were self absorbed and not about being nice to your boyfriend when he needed you - they were about you getting what you needed.

[stace79]

My personality thrives on helping other people, often at the expense of my own needs. QUOTE]

 

This is the root of the problem. You come across as self absorbed in this post, yet your perception of yourself is something quite different.

 

You know yourself better than I do! - so I am sure that you have examples of going out of your way to help others, and it is nice that you do that. But in THIS post, your actions were self absorbed and not about being nice to your boyfriend when he needed you - they were about you getting what you needed.

 

If you read other posts/replies, you will see that it is about BOTH of us getting what we need. I want to give him space if that's what he needs, but at the same time I don't want to feel abandoned or neglected.

[Twix]

I'm no expert on dating/relationships, but I'll be honest with you on two things:

 

1. Compatibility, both physical and mental, is the most important aspect of a successful relationship...and it sounds like you two have some major issues in that department. How long have you been together? (maybe I missed it)

 

2. While I understand your need for communication in this LDR, you still come across as very selfish and untrusting in regards to your reaction to the situation, and childish in your treatment of the situation after the fact. I think the former has to do with the incompatibility issue that's very clear from this thread and the latter has to do with immaturity.

 

From my eyes (a random guy's point of view), you seriously need to reconsider your own needs from a relationship and weigh that against his ability AND willingness to fulfill those needs. Often times, that is going to directly relate to the next part, which is HIS needs from a relationship and YOUR ability to fulfill those.

 

Think about the fact that disappointment is a fairly prevalent aspect of life, whether on small, everyday levels or large, life-altering levels, and if the two of you are highly incompatible in such a large area, that doesn't bode well for a long-term, committed relationship.

 

Good luck with your situation.

Edited July 20, 2010 by Twix

[stace79]

I'm no expert on dating/relationships, but I'll be honest with you on two things:

 

1. Compatibility, both physical and mental, is the most important aspect of a successful relationship...and it sounds like you two have some major issues in that department. How long have you been together? (maybe I missed it)

 

I agree. We've been together off/on for four years. It's been a tumultuous relationship. We most recently got back together in April.

 

2. While I understand your need for communication in this LDR, you still come across as very selfish and untrusting in regards to your reaction to the situation, and childish in your treatment of the situation after the fact. I think the former has to do with the incompatibility issue that's very clear from this thread and the latter has to do with immaturity.

 

I am very untrusting and I am working on that aspect of myself. I am probably one of the most unselfish people you would ever meet. Anyone who knows me, including my bf, know that I have difficulty telling people no and will work to help others even if it begins to hurt me. (Again, something I am working on and improving.)

 

Conversely, I feel it is immature to shut out someone you love in times of stress. Like carhill stated in an earlier reply, I want to face life's challenges with my partner. That is how I view a lifelong relationship and/or marriage. And I plan to discuss that with my bf.

 

From my eyes (a random guy's point of view), you seriously need to reconsider your own needs from a relationship and weigh that against his ability AND willingness to fulfill those needs. Often times, that is going to directly relate to the next part, which is HIS needs from a relationship and YOUR ability to fulfill those.

 

You are correct in these statements and we have been working with a relationship counselor to figure this out.

 

Think about the fact that disappointment is a fairly prevalent aspect of life, whether on small, everyday levels or large, life-altering levels, and if the two of you are highly incompatible in such a large aspect of life, that doesn't bode well for a long-term, committed relationship.

 

Good luck with your situation.

 

Thanks -- I agree that this is a large part of life. Times are not always good, and I don't want someone who will run away from me or shut me out whenever life throws us a curve ball. His granddad is old and very sick, and I am already wondering if he will again shut me out when he passes away.

[homersheineken]

Neither of us have anything in common with an idiot whose avatar is Homer Simpson. I wouldn't want to talk to you either.

 

 

One of the lamest things you've said yet - and this thread has a lot of them.

 

Spend a little less time worrying about how you feel from his problems. One of the most self-absorbed posts I've seen. Not only does he have to deal with his job situation, he now has to also deal with a completely fabricated dilemma from his narcissistic GF.

Edited July 20, 2010 by homersheineken

[Stung]

I can see how some people are interpreting this as self-absorbed--and honestly I do agree with the poster who pointed out that when someone is depressed and absorbing a blow to their ego, they don't need a "guess what awesome thing happened to ME!" phone call the next day--but I think some people are projecting their own issues onto this somewhat, with the insulting replies.

 

I like space too, when I am feeling hurt or disappointed or threatened. I need time alone to lick my wounds and formulate my plan of attack, I like to retreat and think. However I am also an adult and I value my relationships and respect the people I am having those relationships with. She took the time to try to give him a buck-up speech and to help him write and edit his response, that was supportive of her. When she texted him several hours later to ask how he was, it would have been respectful of him to have taken ten seconds to text back that he just wanted a day or two of space to be by himself. That would have been the end of the issue.

 

It's not ridiculously self-absorbed for a partner to be hurt when they are trying to help and they are ignored and then snapped at for their trouble. He responded childishly. If either I or my husband responded that way to each other, the other of us would find it hurtful and damaging to our partnership.

 

Ignoring him in return isn't going to help your case any, OP. If you want to maintain a partnership, you need to understand that when one person falls down, the other person needs to pick them up, not stand over them shaking their finger. He didn't deal with his hurt feelings well, and you're upset with him for it...if you respond poorly now with your own hurt feelings, you're a hypocrite. You two need to talk this out like adults. Keep in mind that this was not a huge deal, and while it is an issue that should be nipped in the bud, it probably is not something to belabor.

[paddington bear]

if I might bring up the whole Mars Venus theory.

 

He was in his cave, working things out, alone.

 

Women don't do this, they work things out through talking it over.

 

You tried to force him to respond to and work out his feelings about the bad news in a Venus way, when he wanted to just crawl into his cave and be left alone.

 

IME most men do not talk over things like this, at least not when it has freshly happened. And I know I am generalising here, but to many men, their jobs are a symbol of their being a provider, of competing and winning, and often they define themselves by the work they do.

 

Your boyfriend not getting a promotion, was probably a faaaaar bigger deal to him than you realised, and released all sorts of horrible emotions in him that he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to verbalise.

 

My advice: Realise that this is how your man copes with bad news. Leave him to it. When he has been alone and quietly processed it, he will come out of his 'cave' and discuss with you, but he can't before then because his brain hasn't had time to deal with a lot of difficult emotions all at one time.

 

Now you know that this is him (and you can't change him), just tell him that you didn't realise that this was how he dealt with things, and that next time you will leave him to do just that.

 

Don't make this all about you being hurt that he didn't reply, the guy just got a terrible shock. Just let this one go.

 

I've found sometimes feminine sympathy towards a man in a time of need makes men feel less manly and even more of a loser and your efforts of comfort are shunned - getting fussed over and pitied (as they see it mid-bad time) only perpetuates their bad feelings about themselves, so you in fact make them feel worse and not better.

[Untouchable_Fire]

if I might bring up the whole Mars Venus theory.

He was in his cave, working things out, alone.

Women don't do this, they work things out through talking it over.

You tried to force him to respond to and work out his feelings about the bad news in a Venus way, when he wanted to just crawl into his cave and be left alone.

IME most men do not talk over things like this, at least not when it has freshly happened. And I know I am generalising here, but to many men, their jobs are a symbol of their being a provider, of competing and winning, and often they define themselves by the work they do.

Your boyfriend not getting a promotion, was probably a faaaaar bigger deal to him than you realised, and released all sorts of horrible emotions in him that he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to verbalise.

 

I worked for almost 1 whole year... at an average of 50-75 hours per week to get a promotion... only to have the position eliminated. I can't even begin to tell you how horrible that feels. It's like losing a relative.

 

 

I've found sometimes feminine sympathy towards a man in a time of need makes men feel less manly and even more of a loser and your efforts of comfort are shunned - getting fussed over and pitied (as they see it mid-bad time) only perpetuates their bad feelings about themselves, so you in fact make them feel worse and not better.

 

That is exactly how I read this as well. Her contact with him really seemed condescending to me, as though it lacked all understanding. Then the follow up responses where all about me, me, me... where's my attention... ect.

 

I think he didn't respond because that was his way of not starting a fight. Me.... I would have straight up told her she was condescending and self centered.

[Pink Cupcakes]

He is eventually going to run for the hills, no offense. If you tell a guy "I need you to call/text and be in communication so I feel secure" that is the same as saying you are an insecure person, and guys don't want that. Don't you want to talk/text a guy who actually is doing so because he wants to hear your voice rather than doing it out of obligation and feeling like he "has" to so, just so he doesn't have to deal with your wrath if you start feeling insecure? Let the guy call when he WANTS to, if he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk to you right then, or text you right then, give this poor guy a break.

Doesn't sound like you two worked out in the past, anyway, might be best to realize you aren't meant for each other and move on for good instead of going back to revisit what doesn't work.

Edited July 20, 2010 by Pink Cupcakes

[stace79]

Seriously, it takes 10 seconds to send a reply to my first or second text saying "thanks for being concerned. just in a bad mood. call you ____ (tomorrow, Monday, later, etc.)"

 

That isn't much to ask. And if you think it is, you might not want to be in a R, ever.

[Pink Cupcakes]

Well your boyfriend isn't meeting your needs, especially when he is going through a life crisis, so it really seems that you two are not compatible. Get a guy who will think of your feelings first when they are having a life crisis.

[Krytie TV]

Seriously, it takes 10 seconds to send a reply to my first or second text saying "thanks for being concerned. just in a bad mood. call you ____ (tomorrow, Monday, later, etc.)"

 

That isn't much to ask. And if you think it is, you might not want to be in a R, ever.

 

But he is. With you. Did you ever infom him of this rule you have about replying to attempts to comfort him to ake you feel better? You may want to.

 

What I see as the problem is honestly your inability to let this go and chalk it up for a difference in how you two handle adversity. Yet, you're still here angry at him wanting to be alone and this happened more than 24 hours ago. Why can't you just concede that this is not your battle and let it go?

[Star Gazer]

Your response to this:

 

Just so you know, OP, you come off as pretty selfish and demanding. Just be warned that this will play a role in your future relationships. You care more about how you are affected than about how your bf is feeling. Does that seem right to you?

 

Was this:

 

I have extremely high expectations, because I have learned I can be just as happy single as in a relationship. So if someone is making me unhappy more often than not, I'm out.

At the same time, I do not demand or expect anything that I myself am not willing to give/do.

 

Again, IMO, the "compromise" here would be that he politely and considerately ask me for some space to sulk. He gets his time alone; I get reinforcement that he isn't mad at me and that he still cares about me.

 

In other words, you really don't care about how he's feeling. You only care about how he's feeling impacts you.

 

I hope he finds someone else, I really do.

[BWLoca]

He called me twice last night, as well as texted. I talked to him briefly before bed, but didn't have much to say. He tried to call again this morning on the way to work.

 

So, he finally called to talk about it, and you in turn shut him out? Because you're upset?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Seriously, it takes 10 seconds to send a reply to my first or second text saying "thanks for being concerned. just in a bad mood. call you ____ (tomorrow, Monday, later, etc.)"

That isn't much to ask. And if you think it is, you might not want to be in a R, ever.

 

Seriously... I think you need to check the attitude. People don't exist to provide you the things you want... this world doesn't spin around you.

 

Just get over it... and if his gpa does die... don't be condescending and fake about it. That's just going to tick him off again.

[ascendotum]

 

One of the lamest things you've said yet - and this thread has a lot of them.

 

Spend a little less time worrying about how you feel from his problems. One of the most self-absorbed posts I've seen. Not only does he have to deal with his job situation, he now has to also deal with a completely fabricated dilemma from his narcissistic GF.

 

 

They way your boyfriend dealt with a major career setback would be typical of many men. Women love to seek solace in the company and support of their friends and to hear how they deserve better. Guys will typically be more likely to fume and sulk on their own to help process/deal with a major disappointment. You did a nice thing with your initial text of support but should have let him be after that.

He's pissed off and your worried about him...'being alive'....that he might have what..topped himself or what about he left the phone at home and has gone to the pub to get drunk. Texting someone when they are pissed off is not being helpful as you say. He texted you back the next day in lei of a phone call but you still considered this 'totally unacceptable'. You read way too much into this incident...'he treats me as something he can just throw away'..sheesh!

 

He's just had a major career setback and he wanted solace for a day and here you are complaining about this on the www and describing his calamity with ‘blah, blah’

I totally concur with the above quote and Krytie's posts.

Recommendations...learn from the advice you have already received here or seriously find another boyfriend who will meet your 'high expectations' and jump to your needs which will make you feel 'more secure'.

[robaday]

It actually hurts immensely when you need alone time and someone keeps pressuring you. I lost a friend and asked for a week to process it-I was under pressure on all sides and saw no way out. The following weekend, I received 3 texts-when I didn't respond 3 missed calls, when I didn't respond she turned up to my house even though I wasn't home.

 

I understand your concern over your bf, but seriously you need to leave him be, because I really lost it with her, and ended up breaking up 2 weeks later-granted you didn't go anywhere near as far as she did, but I don't think I have ever been so angry in my life.

[carhill]

OP, if you're still reading, during this quiet time, I'll suggest reflecting upon those times when you've wanted his style of support to match up with your needs and whether and how he delivered on that.

 

IOW, let's say you like feeling 'connected' when going through a difficult time. My instinct is you do. Does your partner, regardless of his 'style', support and proactively embrace your style in your moments of need? How do you feel about that?

 

I will say this particular issue was a *major* factor in why stbx and I divorced. It was as much the differences in styles themselves as it was the lack of mutual respect for those styles. Essential incompatibility. As the MC put it, 'there isn't enough bend in the world to meet in the middle on this'. Right he was, in our case. Hope you do better

[stace79]

OP, if you're still reading, during this quiet time, I'll suggest reflecting upon those times when you've wanted his style of support to match up with your needs and whether and how he delivered on that.

 

IOW, let's say you like feeling 'connected' when going through a difficult time. My instinct is you do. Does your partner, regardless of his 'style', support and proactively embrace your style in your moments of need? How do you feel about that?

 

I will say this particular issue was a *major* factor in why stbx and I divorced. It was as much the differences in styles themselves as it was the lack of mutual respect for those styles. Essential incompatibility. As the MC put it, 'there isn't enough bend in the world to meet in the middle on this'. Right he was, in our case. Hope you do better

 

Funny you mention this -- last year I had a very difficult time personally. He completely stopped calling me and it really hurt me even more. He understands now that if I'm truly having a hard time, even if I'm in a bad mood, just seeing him make the effort to contact me and be supportive is needed on my end.

 

I did talk to him about this last night, very calmly. I told him that it isn't his needing time alone that I dispute or get upset about. It was the manner in which he went about getting it. That I felt shut out and that he was mad at me by how he reacted. I asked him that if something like that happens again, if he could please send me a text saying something like he's having a rough time and just needs some time to cool off, love you, that is all I really want.

 

He agreed to do that, and he also felt badly that I felt somewhat abandoned and unimportant to him. I explained that even when I've been mad at him in the past, I still tried to tell him I love him but that I need to go visit my family or hang up the phone or whatever. He understood. Basically, even when life throws really horrible things at you, it doesn't mean you have an excuse to treat the people who love you like garbage. If you love someone, you should be able to muster enough consideration to send a 10-word text message for God's sake.

 

He also realized that I was seriously hurt by not being able to have any contact with him (since we are LDR), so he planned to drive here to see me next weekend and see our counselor. I'm sure we'll discuss this a little bit, but I think we've mostly resolved it.

 

Again, to everybody telling me I was being selfish by "not giving him space" -- I DID give him space. All I ask is that he send me a brief and kind message.

 

Additionally, I don't think this would have been AS big an issue if we lived together or in the same city again. I see him maybe every 4-6 weeks, and our only communication is texting and phone usually. It's very difficult for me to be totally out of contact with him for 48 hours, when I usually get to talk to him at least an hour every day.