stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Okay I just want to tell my story as it happened and get people's perceptions, so here it is. My bf (I'll call him John) and I are in a LDR. He has been working hard to get a promotion of sorts in his career, and in the process cultivated a relationship with someone in his field and recently was asked to submit a proposal to this company. He finally received word on Saturday via e-mail that unfortunately he is not a fit for them at this time. He called to tell me about this, and I tried to be very supportive and let him know I understand how disappointed he must be, and I also helped him edit an e-mail back to this guy. After about 20 minutes, we hung up. I sent him a text saying "I love you, keep your head up baby" after that with no response. About five hours later I sent another text saying "how ya doing honey" and again got no response. I was worried about him and wanted to try to reach him before bed, so I called him about an hour after the last text. He was having a pity party which is understandable to me, but he was getting irritated that I kept trying to reach him. I said "John I understand that you are upset and disappointed and I don't blame you. I just wish you could at least send me back a text in reply to let me know you're alive." He got more and more irritable until he said "I just don't want to talk to anybody; I'm not answering any friend's calls." To which I replied "I'm not just some friend; I'm your girlfriend and while I understand you not wanting to talk and being upset you could at least send me back a text. I'm worried about you and trying to be helpful" He just got more mad, almost yelling "I just don't want to talk to you either." And I got pissed then, said "Alright fine. Goodbye John." And hung up. He never called me back. On Sunday something positive happened for me that I wanted to tell him about, so I called. He didn't answer, so I left a brief voicemail saying "Well I guess you are mad at me, but this happened and I was excited and wanted to share it with you. Guess I will talk to you later." He texted me back saying "not mad just hurt still will call you tomorrow". I feel like this is totally unacceptable. Especially given that we are in a LDR and I rarely get to see him, and he knows that I need a lot of communication to feel happy and secure while we are living apart. What is your opinion of the situation? Recommendations?
BubbleFreak Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I just feel as though you should have left him alone. He specifically said he didn't want to talk to anyone not even you. I know you had good intentions but as a girlfriend you need to respect that he has chosen to cope with the situation in this way. You ofcourse have the right to feel upset and unappreciated, perhaps even angry at him for how he is behaving. Communication and feeling connected are important in any relationship, let alone a LDR, where I can only imagine the loneliness could be magnified. I agree, it was rude he did not reply to your first text or the consequent ones, and that he should have explained why to you. But... think about this... were your attempts to contact him for his benefit or to ease your own anxiety? He has now told you that he needs alone time, time in which he is healing in his own way, and the worst thing you can do now is interrupt it. Let him be. P.S. If his method of coping really bothers you so much, let him know, at a better time.
counterman Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 If that is his way of dealing with bad news, then he wouldn't have changed it right then. It's like a push-pull effect. The more you pushed, the more he wanted to be away from you. It must be extremely tough for the both of you being in a LDR and all but I agree with BubbleFreak. Bring up the issue about how he handles bad news later on, when the bad news isn't so fresh. I was in a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend. She didn't handle mistakes I made well... and it would always result in her yelling at me. When I said something to try to calm her down or anything at all, all it did was add fuel to the fire. So, later on, we spoke about it and she agreed that she needed to work on it. Things were going great until she exploded on me at the end. Guess she could never change that about her.
Krytie TV Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 He was totally in the right. I can't stand it when I want to be left alone and my SO just won't go away. You pressed to hard and made him reactive. Learn something from it is the best advice I can give you.
HeldbyGravity Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 So you're upset because he's upset, you're worried about him and he won't let you talk to him. It's not bad to want to talk to him about this, it's normal, but some people don't want to talk when they're upset. Sometimes, they believe that that's the last thing that they need. For his sake, leaving him alone for a day will give him a chance to cool down. I know you're worried about him, but you have to believe that he's a big boy and just let him work this out. Next time something like this happens, just give him one text or call and wait for his reply. If it doesn't come, take that as a hint that he wants to be let alone.
Author stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Maybe this is an example of how we are not right together, then. Because even when I receive bad news, I would never "react" to him by ignoring him. Maybe I wouldn't be talkative, but I would at least thank him for checking on me and ask if I could call him later or the next day. I feel like shutting me out, particularly when we rarely see each other and he knows I need more communication to feel secure, is not something I'm willing to accept.
shlee Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Maybe this is an example of how we are not right together, then. Because even when I receive bad news, I would never "react" to him by ignoring him. Maybe I wouldn't be talkative, but I would at least thank him for checking on me and ask if I could call him later or the next day. I feel like shutting me out, particularly when we rarely see each other and he knows I need more communication to feel secure, is not something I'm willing to accept. Of course you need to do what's right for you, and what makes you happy in a relationship. But, why is your need for security/communication more important than his need to be alone for a day or two? Aren't relationships partly about compromise, being there for the other person in whatever way they need you, and so on?
Author stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 So you're upset because he's upset, you're worried about him and he won't let you talk to him. It's not bad to want to talk to him about this, it's normal, but some people don't want to talk when they're upset. Sometimes, they believe that that's the last thing that they need. For his sake, leaving him alone for a day will give him a chance to cool down. I know you're worried about him, but you have to believe that he's a big boy and just let him work this out. Next time something like this happens, just give him one text or call and wait for his reply. If it doesn't come, take that as a hint that he wants to be let alone. I don't have a problem with this part. But it hurts me that he treats me as something he can just throw away when he gets mad or disappointed. I feel like my bf should be kinder about asking for time away, and he could have sent me a text back saying "thanks for your concern. just don't feel up to talking." ANYTHING in reply would have been nice.
counterman Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Well, both feelings play a part in this. I don't think anyone is in the wrong or right here. He is upset, true but does he recognise that you are concern about him? There are better ways to put it. He could have said "babe, I am not feeling so great right now and just want to be alone for a bit to clear my thoughts. Will talk to you tomorrow. Love you". That shows empathy and an understanding of your significant other. I have had my love shunned away before. My ex-girlfriend was going through some tough times and when I came to her, she didn't want any of it. It did hurt me. But, there were times when she came to me. Though, I always sought her out first, because that's who I am. When you talk to him next time, see how it goes.
Author stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Of course you need to do what's right for you, and what makes you happy in a relationship. But, why is your need for security/communication more important than his need to be alone for a day or two? Aren't relationships partly about compromise, being there for the other person in whatever way they need you, and so on? Well, both feelings play a part in this. I don't think anyone is in the wrong or right here. He is upset, true but does he recognise that you are concern about him? There are better ways to put it. He could have said "babe, I am not feeling so great right now and just want to be alone for a bit to clear my thoughts. Will talk to you tomorrow. Love you". That shows empathy and an understanding of your significant other. I have had my love shunned away before. My ex-girlfriend was going through some tough times and when I came to her, she didn't want any of it. It did hurt me. But, there were times when she came to me. Though, I always sought her out first, because that's who I am. When you talk to him next time, see how it goes. I think both your replies hit the nail on the head. I would feel less hurt about him shunning me if he used a reply similar to what counterman posted. And I did leave him alone yesterday after he texted me. I'm not going to call to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me. I think my issue is not that he wanted space, but how he acted in requesting it. It's like he didn't love me anymore, the way he acted/talked to me. A message like the example above would reinforce his feelings for me while also asking for his time to be alone and sulk.
Krytie TV Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Just so you know, OP, you come off as pretty selfish and demanding. Just be warned that this will play a role in your future relationships. You care more about how you are affected than about how your bf is feeling. Does that seem right to you?
Author stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Just so you know, OP, you come off as pretty selfish and demanding. Just be warned that this will play a role in your future relationships. You care more about how you are affected than about how your bf is feeling. Does that seem right to you? I have extremely high expectations, because I have learned I can be just as happy single as in a relationship. So if someone is making me unhappy more often than not, I'm out. At the same time, I do not demand or expect anything that I myself am not willing to give/do. Again, IMO, the "compromise" here would be that he politely and considerately ask me for some space to sulk. He gets his time alone; I get reinforcement that he isn't mad at me and that he still cares about me.
HeldbyGravity Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 (edited) In a perfect world, everyone would be civil about these things when they are upset. Unfortunately, we are human- when we’re upset, we tend to not care and sometimes lash out. I've read once that love is a balance of attachment and freedom. Right now, he doesn't want attachment- he wants freedom. It's a normal part of love, though surprising and sometimes a bit offensive if you're not expecting it. It is a bit child-like to pull completely away. But you need to find the correct manner in which to respond to him, so that he doesn't lash out. You need to adjust to him. Edited July 19, 2010 by HeldbyGravity
Author stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 In a perfect world, everyone would be civil about these things when they are upset. Unfortunately, we are human- when we’re upset, we tend to not care and sometimes lash out. I've read once that love is a balance of attachment and freedom. Right now, he doesn't want attachment- he wants freedom. It's a normal part of love, though surprising and sometimes a bit offensive if you're not expecting it. It is a bit child-like to pull completely away. But you need to find the correct manner in which to respond to him, so that he doesn't lash out. You need to adjust to him. I guess that's what i don't understand. I mean I realize that people behave that way, but I don't understand it. I love him so much that even when I'm specifically mad AT HIM, I still wouldn't want to shut him out. Or if I do want to be left alone, I would still be sweet to him about it. I would want to be sure he understood I wasn't mad at him, that I was just having a hard day and needing some quiet time. So when he gets upset about something and then acts like he's mad AT ME, or takes out his frustration on me, it makes me feel like he stopped loving me. It makes me feel like maybe he only loves me or cares about me when things are "good". It really bugs me a lot. And now, he is supposed to call me some time today, and I feel like ignoring him now. Like "Well, you made me feel hurt and unimportant to you, so let me show you how I don't need you either". I know that's a childish reaction, but it's my honest feeling at the moment.
HeldbyGravity Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 And now, he is supposed to call me some time today, and I feel like ignoring him now. Like "Well, you made me feel hurt and unimportant to you, so let me show you how I don't need you either". I know that's a childish reaction, but it's my honest feeling at the moment. He doesn't not need you. Really he does, it's just he needed his time. I know that it's so easy to feel hurt about this. Just know that it'll only make things worse. I would get some peace about this once you're both in a calmer state of mind, you know? Just tell him calmly that it hurt when he pushed away, but that you understand that he needed his time. With no hurt or anger in the convo, or you'll appear condescending, and people hate that.
bayouboi Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Maybe it is incompatability. It seems to me he was in a bad mood & in a highly irritable state. You are complaining about his lack of empathy to you due to his reaction, but you also could have been more considerate of his state of mind and not repeatedly prodded him.
Author stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Maybe it is incompatability. It seems to me he was in a bad mood & in a highly irritable state. You are complaining about his lack of empathy to you due to his reaction, but you also could have been more considerate of his state of mind and not repeatedly prodded him. Okay, he called me to tell me about his disappointing news. I then sent him an encouraging text not expecting a reply right away, or maybe not at all. I then sent one more text later that evening just asking if he was doing okay. I then wanted to make sure he truly was okay before I just went to sleep. The next day that I called him, it was to tell him something happy/exciting happening in my life. I felt that maybe that would help lift his spirits. If those two text messages and phone calls are "prodding" then men, you need to get a grip. He didn't even bring up the "not wanting to talk" until I finally reached him late Saturday night. It wasn't like he told me he didn't want to talk earlier and then I kept calling/texting.
torranceshipman Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Okay I just want to tell my story as it happened and get people's perceptions, so here it is. My bf (I'll call him John) and I are in a LDR. He has been working hard to get a promotion of sorts in his career, and in the process cultivated a relationship with someone in his field and recently was asked to submit a proposal to this company. He finally received word on Saturday via e-mail that unfortunately he is not a fit for them at this time. He called to tell me about this, and I tried to be very supportive and let him know I understand how disappointed he must be, and I also helped him edit an e-mail back to this guy. After about 20 minutes, we hung up. I sent him a text saying "I love you, keep your head up baby" after that with no response. About five hours later I sent another text saying "how ya doing honey" and again got no response. I was worried about him and wanted to try to reach him before bed, so I called him about an hour after the last text. He was having a pity party which is understandable to me, but he was getting irritated that I kept trying to reach him. I said "John I understand that you are upset and disappointed and I don't blame you. I just wish you could at least send me back a text in reply to let me know you're alive." He got more and more irritable until he said "I just don't want to talk to anybody; I'm not answering any friend's calls." To which I replied "I'm not just some friend; I'm your girlfriend and while I understand you not wanting to talk and being upset you could at least send me back a text. I'm worried about you and trying to be helpful" He just got more mad, almost yelling "I just don't want to talk to you either." And I got pissed then, said "Alright fine. Goodbye John." And hung up. He never called me back. On Sunday something positive happened for me that I wanted to tell him about, so I called. He didn't answer, so I left a brief voicemail saying "Well I guess you are mad at me, but this happened and I was excited and wanted to share it with you. Guess I will talk to you later." He texted me back saying "not mad just hurt still will call you tomorrow". I feel like this is totally unacceptable. Especially given that we are in a LDR and I rarely get to see him, and he knows that I need a lot of communication to feel happy and secure while we are living apart. What is your opinion of the situation? Recommendations? Actually I think you were a bit unacceptable. This was about HIM feeling crushed, and your concern wasn't really you selflessly being there for him. YOU wanted an answer from him at a certain time and when you didn't get it you pushed and pushed, and basically loaded on the misery at a time when he was miserable and stressed already. And you still don't see why he is upset. The poor guy would have been happy to hear from you in the 1st place but clearly didn't feel chipper enough to respond so you punish him for it. It just seems that you made the situation so much worse for the poor guy and created a whole lot of drama that didn't need to be there. IT comes across as very self centred.Worse, you can't see this and think that HE is the one acting in an unacceptable way. If a guy did this to me I would dump him as I just cannot stand this kind of pushing - it makes me bolt in the opposite direction. He probably didnt want to speak to you for a while because he was expecting you to get all pissed with him on the phone, too. Too much stress! I just want to be direct because I am sure you are a cool girl, but this will drive the guy away, and the clearer you see this situation, the less likely it is to happen again (i.e. I don't want to see you guys split). Seriously, I am a girl but take it from me, I know 100% where he is coming from. Good luck!
torranceshipman Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 (edited) Maybe this is an example of how we are not right together, then. Because even when I receive bad news, I would never "react" to him by ignoring him. Maybe I wouldn't be talkative, but I would at least thank him for checking on me and ask if I could call him later or the next day. I feel like shutting me out, particularly when we rarely see each other and he knows I need more communication to feel secure, is not something I'm willing to accept. I think there is a bigger problem...he is upset and had genuinely bad news, yet the whole deal is dramatic, and all about you. It ISNT about you - it is about him. Just respect that fact. Again - I hope I don't sound over critical - I bet you are cool in a lot of ways - but you were NOT cool in this instance. Edited July 19, 2010 by torranceshipman
EYECANDY000 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Women are a little more sensative. I think the OP just wanted a little acknowledgement. She wanted to let her bf know that she was there for him. I understand that the bf stated that he didnt want to talk to anyone but is it so hard to respond back with a " thanks baby" Ive dealt with this from my ex bf a lot of times , where I feel like he is inconsiderate to my feelings, but I always make sure he is ok, and know that I am there for him no matter what. Which in case , as time started to go on I noticed that he was inconsiderate to my feelings, so I started half- a$$ing it when it came to him. I completly side with the OP. Im glad she has the attitude that she doesnt have to put up with it, but there is flaws in everyone.
Author stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Women are a little more sensative. I think the OP just wanted a little acknowledgement. She wanted to let her bf know that she was there for him. I understand that the bf stated that he didnt want to talk to anyone but is it so hard to respond back with a " thanks baby" Ive dealt with this from my ex bf a lot of times , where I feel like he is inconsiderate to my feelings, but I always make sure he is ok, and know that I am there for him no matter what. Which in case , as time started to go on I noticed that he was inconsiderate to my feelings, so I started half- a$$ing it when it came to him. I completly side with the OP. Im glad she has the attitude that she doesnt have to put up with it, but there is flaws in everyone. You are exactly right. A "thank you baby" text would have sufficed. It would have taken him less than 45 seconds to acknowledge my concern and let me know he's surviving, and I would have left him alone. Not to mention, he finally contacted me tonight, and all he had to say was "if you want to call me back you can". Not exactly inspiring confidence in his feelings for me.
pandagirl Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 What's done, is done. Now how are you two going to resolve this problem? It seems like both of you think you are right in this situation. You feel like he was insensitive and unthoughtful; he probably thinks you didn't respect his space and kept on pushing him when he was down and needed alone time. So, now you have to communicate and resolve this issue, so this doesn't happen again.
BubbleFreak Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 The next day that I called him, it was to tell him something happy/exciting happening in my life. I felt that maybe that would help lift his spirits. If someone is feeling bad it doesn't mean good news about yourself is going to cheer them up.
Krytie TV Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 You are exactly right. Oh, there was a right and wrong answer? I was confused because in your OP you asked for perceptions. Sorry to interfere in your confirmation seeking.
Author stace79 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Oh, there was a right and wrong answer? I was confused because in your OP you asked for perceptions. Sorry to interfere in your confirmation seeking. Clearly you have no interest in actually helping anyone. I was saying that this person's perception of what I wanted and felt was exactly right. I think I'm qualified to tell someone when they are right about ME.
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