I have no clue what I am doing

[22yrslater]

I've been divorced for a little more than a year now. Just got into this dating scene less 6 months ago. According to what this guy was telling me, he has been divorced for a couple of years now.

 

Yes, we both have busy lives. I work and so does he; I have a teen daughter and he has one that is only 7 yrs old whom he sees every other weekend. I'm sure he sees her more often but he actually has her every other weekend. From what he tells me he is very involved in her life too. So I understand being busy and not having time for much. But that doesn't explain why in the beginning we would be texting each other throughout the day knowing that we would not get an immediate response from the other because we were working, and then he stopped all of a sudden. I really looked forward to those texts; he made me laugh. Maybe that was his way of reeling me in. I don't know. I don't think I will ever know.

 

What I do know is that I have to get myself to the point that things like this won't hit me so hard.

 

Reason I was starting to focus on this with him is because when I am interested in something I tend to focus on that from start to finish, not wanting any other distractions around. I am like that with books, music, movies, etc....

 

Well, all I can say is "lesson learned". At least I hope I remember what I have learned and move on from there.

 

And by the way, yes I am serious. Where else can you meet people? It's not like we are in high school anymore, where you meet other kids from your school, other schools, school socials, events, etc.......... It's not like I can go into a bar, sit there having a beer and start talking to whomever, never mind that I don't like going to public places by myself.

 

No, this is not the "woes me". I have led a very sheltered life for the last 22 yrs, hence the title to my original post: I have no clue what I am doing. For 22 yrs I have raised a family, managed a household. My life was my husband and my children. I know, it was stupid on my part. I should have had friends/friendships along the way. Growing up military you don't have that luxury many times to make friends and to keep friendships so I never really learned how to; there were other factors that played into it as well but I won't go into that right now. But I am learning as I go along. This is a learning experience for me. Yes, I have made a couple of friends lately which is good.

Edited July 21, 2010 by 22yrslater

[D-Lish]

Did you miss this part?

 

So what is it that he is not returning?

 

Dunno- did you miss this part???

 

 

Well, it's Monday night and he still hasn't called or sent me a text/email. I sent him one yesterday evening, just saying "hi". That was it. But no response.

 

I was thinking of asking him if he has any plans Wednesday or Thursday after work. Thought I would pick up some decent take-out and take it to his place where we could just chill, eat, talk, thinking it would be a more relaxed atmosphere for the both of us (him more than me; I've never been to his place). But it may put him more at ease and hopefully we can have more in depth conversations, we could open up more, etc. But I don't want to put off the vibe that I am looking for sex either. Granted, it would be great, but I don't want to jump to that. Not yet.

 

 

There is no way you should extend another invitation to him when he hasn't:

 

a) called you back to set anything up when he said he would; and

b) didn't even return the last text you sent him when you didn't get the call you were hoping for.

 

He said he'd call and he didn't- you sent him a text after that and he hasn't responded. This should tell you that it's time to move on.

 

That's a part of the dating process- filtering out who is worthy of your time and who isn't.

[22yrslater]

No, I didn't miss that part.

 

He never responded to my "hi" text.

 

I have not called or sent him another text. Figured if he wants to talk to me he will, or would have responded to my text.

 

I have always tried to be a very honest person; I mean what I say and say what I mean. Maybe that is too much for some to handle. And no, I don't mean that I put all my feelings out there or my thoughts. But if I am asked I don't himhaw either. I do try to downplay it so that it doesn't seem like I am needy or desperate. That's not good either.

[D-Lish]

No, I didn't miss that part.

 

He never responded to my "hi" text.

 

I have not called or sent him another text. Figured if he wants to talk to me he will, or would have responded to my text.

 

I have always tried to be a very honest person; I mean what I say and say what I mean. Maybe that is too much for some to handle. And no, I don't mean that I put all my feelings out there or my thoughts. But if I am asked I don't himhaw either. I do try to downplay it so that it doesn't seem like I am needy or desperate. That's not good either.

 

I wasn't responding to you about the "missing that part" 22- I was responding to Mimo.

 

Just don't put all of your eggs into one basket. You've only just started dating and there is no hurry to jump back into a relationship.

 

It's far better to be single than it is to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. This guy is showing you that he's not worthy.

[stace79]

I used to "put all my eggs in one basket" too. I've never actually been successful at "dating" more than one man at a time.

 

However, I have been learning to enjoy my own single life more. It's hard. But I find things I enjoy, like walking my dog in a local park, having girls' nights for dinner/movies, cooking out with family members, laying out by the pool or on the beach.

 

Try to find some hobbies you truly enjoy, and then let any man you like be just an added bonus in your life. It's not easy to learn to be that way. I can only imagine how hard it would be after 22 years of marriage. But you can slowly learn!

[22yrslater]

Update:

 

Well, he sent me a text this morning and we were texting throughtout the day. It was very casual and, at least on my part, a little bit withdrawn. As the day went on he was a little more affectionate, for lack of a better word. It was nice. For the most part I let him initiate the texts. Then tonight we were texting a little, not much. He was really tired from work, he works about 10 hrs a day, and he usually goes to bed between 10 & 10:30. He told he we would talk tomorrow. We both sent each other a text saying sweet dreams and blew each other a kiss. It almost seemed like we hit the send button at the same time.

 

What he said he did this weekend: from what he told me he was meeting with an old high school buddy of his in another city that is about 2 to 2 1/2 hrs away. He played non-stop golf, they had a cookout, then went out and played pool. Then early Sunday his ex called saying that she had to go into work so he picked up his daughter and had her for the day.

 

All of this is plausible........?????

 

All in all it sounds good???

[Sabali]

Update:

 

Well, he sent me a text this morning and we were texting throughtout the day. It was very casual and, at least on my part, a little bit withdrawn. As the day went on he was a little more affectionate, for lack of a better word. It was nice. For the most part I let him initiate the texts. Then tonight we were texting a little, not much. He was really tired from work, he works about 10 hrs a day, and he usually goes to bed between 10 & 10:30. He told he we would talk tomorrow. We both sent each other a text saying sweet dreams and blew each other a kiss. It almost seemed like we hit the send button at the same time.

 

What he said he did this weekend: from what he told me he was meeting with an old high school buddy of his in another city that is about 2 to 2 1/2 hrs away. He played non-stop golf, they had a cookout, then went out and played pool. Then early Sunday his ex called saying that she had to go into work so he picked up his daughter and had her for the day.

 

All of this is plausible........?????

 

All in all it sounds good???

 

Sounds like a load of BS to me. His day was so busy he didn't have time to even take a crap let alone call you.

 

Don't get your hopes up too high, honey. Don't get stalkerish or any thing but just slow down a bit and have fun. Stop texting so much. It can kill a relationship. Use it sparingly.

[WalkInThePark]

Update:

 

Well, he sent me a text this morning and we were texting throughtout the day. It was very casual and, at least on my part, a little bit withdrawn. As the day went on he was a little more affectionate, for lack of a better word. It was nice. For the most part I let him initiate the texts. Then tonight we were texting a little, not much. He was really tired from work, he works about 10 hrs a day, and he usually goes to bed between 10 & 10:30. He told he we would talk tomorrow. We both sent each other a text saying sweet dreams and blew each other a kiss. It almost seemed like we hit the send button at the same time.

 

What he said he did this weekend: from what he told me he was meeting with an old high school buddy of his in another city that is about 2 to 2 1/2 hrs away. He played non-stop golf, they had a cookout, then went out and played pool. Then early Sunday his ex called saying that she had to go into work so he picked up his daughter and had her for the day.

 

All of this is plausible........?????

 

All in all it sounds good???

 

You texted him to say "Hi" some time ago and he never bothered to answer. Now he sends you a text and of course you immediately reply. HOW DESPARATE ARE YOU? You should have waited to reply to his text as long as he waited to reply to yours. Now you show him that you are happy with whatever crumb he is throwing at you!

 

Besides, texting is not real contact in my book. It's basically something like second life. There is a good chance that you have simply been added to his database of "women who I can text from time to time when I am bored."

 

I seems to me that you don't have a lot of selfconfidence which makes you be happy with some grams of attention. Real contact would have been this guy calling you and asking you to meet you.

 

I have not crystal ball but I think this contact will continue to consist of some text messages now and then without any real appointment. You need to back off because there is no balance in this contact: you give more than he does.

[22yrslater]

Stalkerish? No, not going there.

 

Walk - no, I didn't respond right away. Same day? Yes; but I waited several hours to respond to the first and took my time responding to subsequent text messages. It's not like I responded as soon as he sent them.

 

Deperate? I can't answer that. If there is something I really like, I have a tendency to go after it. But like I said, I am not getting stalkerish. I am letting him make the initial contacts and take the lead in these texts/conversations.

 

Maybe I'm wrong i looking at it this way: say I find a pair of shoes that I really want and they are a little bit pricey and I'm not sure if I want to spend that kind of money. So I tell myself I will wait and see if it goes on sale or maybe I will find something else I like but not as expensive. If you wait hoping things will work out the way you want them too, you stand a greater chance of not getting it; or someone else may come along and take it. I'm not saying that I am going to just jump into this with both guns blasting. But just like two wrongs don't make a right, two people waiting for the other to make the next move could result it something going nowhere. For now, I am letting him initiate the conversations/texts.

 

Yes it's easy to hide behind text messaging but we can't exactly call each other during the day.

 

I thought of something last night that I didn't even ponder before. What if he is doing the same thing I am? What if he's nervous, asking people questions about how he should go about this, doesn't want to talk/text too often so that he doesn't come across as needy or desperate? Is he getting the same advice to wait and see what I do? I've read a few excerpts from magazines that say women are more often than not becoming the ones that take the lead and are asking guys out more often. There used to be a time when men were men and took the initiative, went after something they wanted. Now we see them as stalkers, harrassers. Women's lib didn't do us many favors in this department. Women want to be treated equally as men. Does this spill into relationships too?

 

And why are people so afraid to say what is on their minds or what they are feeling? Life would be so much simpler!!

[stace79]

And why are people so afraid to say what is on their minds or what they are feeling? Life would be so much simpler!!

 

Good question. I think because society has gone so much toward a "me, me, me" approach. How is he meeting my needs? I'm not happy with you. It has to be two-way.

 

Which is why people are telling you not to get your hopes up. I think the difference for women is, despite all the women's lib movement and everything, guys still aren't "programmed" to want to be in relationships. I find guys who really want marriage and kids and all that to be few and far between. Some of them seem to do it b/c they are "supposed" to, others seem to do it b/c they found a half-way decent and attractive woman who wants them. Others I have really no clue why they do it b/c they cheat and lie and otherwise disrespect their wives.

 

So, it's my experience that a guy who really cares for you and wants to move toward a more serious relationship will make the effort to see you and get to know you via real conversations.

 

Again, no reason you can't talk to the guy if you are interested. But just guard your heart. Be open, but not careless.

[D-Lish]

Maybe I'm wrong i looking at it this way: say I find a pair of shoes that I really want and they are a little bit pricey and I'm not sure if I want to spend that kind of money. So I tell myself I will wait and see if it goes on sale or maybe I will find something else I like but not as expensive. If you wait hoping things will work out the way you want them too, you stand a greater chance of not getting it; or someone else may come along and take it. I'm not saying that I am going to just jump into this with both guns blasting. But just like two wrongs don't make a right, two people waiting for the other to make the next move could result it something going nowhere. For now, I am letting him initiate the conversations/texts

 

So, you're happy to buy him on sale despite the fact that he could be scuffed, missing a heel, worn out from so many others trying him on, or simply uncomfortable to wear?

 

If you want to use the shoe analogy, just remember things go on sale for a reason- usually the reason is that they aren't worth the original ticket price.