22yrslater Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 As my username states, it's 22 yrs later and I am back in the dating scene. Geez..... this is so weird!! Things have changed so much!! Well, I joined a couple of dating sites, free ones, because I refuse to pay for it. From what I have read and seen, the paying ones are no different than the free ones. I met a guy on one of the sites. Not what I would have considered my type, but hey, why not. Maybe that's been my problem all along: picking guys that I thought were my type and really weren't. Just to set up the circumstances: we are both single parents; I have a teen daughter and he has one that is much younger that he gets every other weekend. Anyway, we went on our first date. Met at a pizza joint, had dinner, listened to a local jazz band, then went for a walk. Date started at 6:30 pm and didn't end until 1:00 am when he walked me to my car. He was a perfect gentleman!! At dinner he served me and I have never had a man do that!! It was interesting and I kind of liked it. We walked and talked the whole time. Well, most of the time. There were a few moments that we did not talk but that was ok. We were taking in the scenery at a beautiful downtown park. At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me goodnight. Not would I would have considered a thrilling kiss, but it was ok. He sent me text messages on his way home stating that the kiss was wonderful, he had a great time and would like to see me again. I told him that I had a great time and would like to see him again as well. First dates are so awkward I thought I would give it another shot. Two weeks later, we go out again. This time during the week because he had plans for the weekend. We had dinner at a local restaurant. We were both tired from work so we were a little more relaxed than the first date. At the end of the date, we kissed again, this time with GREAT improvement!! We kissed for 1/2 hr!! And it was great. We were both turned on by the way we were standing, the way he was kissing me and what he was saying. Nothing that was perverted but he made sure that he was turned on and enjoyed it as much as I did. Of course, I did reciprocate the feeling but only after he did. I didn't want to take the lead. We talked that evening, I called him to be sure he made it home alright because he was that tired. We talked for a good 1/2 hr. The next evening, we sent each other text messages; I initiated the text. He was talking about a movie he just went to see and didn't like. I told him to have a good time over the weekend since he was going golfing with an old high school friend of his. I also asked him if he had any plans for 2 wks later and said he didn't. He said that he would definitely contact me over the weekend. Well, he never did. I really like this guy and I am tryin not to be too talkative and contacting him; I am leaving it to him to contact me more so than me contacting him. I have read about the 3rd date rule. Does that still hold true? Or does it depend on the two people involved? I just need opinions. What do you think so far? We have both been married, now we are both divorced. I know I'm not wanting to get into a completely serious relationship right now but I would like to know if this could develop into something. I don't know if he is holding back, wanting to take this really slow or if he is not really interested. Help!! I need some advice. Thanks.
stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 It sounds good so far. I think you should leave the ball in his court at this time, like you suggested. He said he would contact you about getting together, so let him. In the mean time, I would still respond to people on the dating sites if you're truly interested. Try not to fall into the trap of getting so excited about one option that you forego getting to know anyone else. It is easy to do.
Mike B. Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Sounds like you had fun and that is good but try to take things slow. Sometimes it's hard to know what slow is and gauge it. For now, do your thing and let him do his.
Serenitynow Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I really like this guy and I am tryin not to be too talkative and contacting him; I am leaving it to him to contact me more so than me contacting him. I have read about the 3rd date rule. Does that still hold true? Or does it depend on the two people involved? Why would you ask if playing games still applies ? 99% of the female population still does it. Why stop now ?
Mike B. Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Why would you ask if playing games still applies ? 99% of the female population still does it. Why stop now ? So she should just do what comes naturally?
Author 22yrslater Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 (edited) I have been doing even MORE reading about dating and how things progress. I don't know if these are just rules of thumb, suggestions or the "recipe" for the beginning of a successful relationship. It is mentioned that you should only let a few days go by before a 2nd date. This is to make the attraction seem more real or solidify first impressions or make better 2nd impressions. Anyway, since we waited for 2 wks before our second date, does that mean anything? Is that a sign that this really isn't going to go anywhere? Well, it's Monday night and he still hasn't called or sent me a text/email. I sent him one yesterday evening, just saying "hi". That was it. But no response. We used to text each other just about every day all day long; just quirky comments, funny stuff, how our day is going..etc. That hasn't happened since last Tuesday or Wednesday. Yes, I have a tendency to dog things, beat them into the ground. I just don't like this guessing game. I know, let things be and progress at their own speed. From what I've read, it's going much slower than it needs to be, if what I have been reading is right. According to the "dating guidelines", we should have already gone out on our 4th date or more. I was thinking of asking him if he has any plans Wednesday or Thursday after work. Thought I would pick up some decent take-out and take it to his place where we could just chill, eat, talk, thinking it would be a more relaxed atmosphere for the both of us (him more than me; I've never been to his place). But it may put him more at ease and hopefully we can have more in depth conversations, we could open up more, etc. But I don't want to put off the vibe that I am looking for sex either. Granted, it would be great, but I don't want to jump to that. Not yet. On the dating site we met on, when you have made someone a favorite you can see when they checked their email last. As of late last night, it has been since the 13th since he checked it last. Good sign? And no, I am not stalking him!!! Yes, I am overthinking this. I know. I can't help it; it's part of who I am. Hence the reason I am on here - to let it out on all of you and hopefully you can help me calm down or see this in a different light. Thank you all for your suggestions. And please don't stop posting any suggestions, advice, etc. Edited July 19, 2010 by 22yrslater
stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Don't chase him. Really. I can tell you from experience that NEVER ends well. Reciprocate as appropriate when he contacts you. Don't ignore his calls to "play games" or something. But don't keep volunteering your time all the time either. I still stand by what I said before. Live your life; continue meeting/talking with other people. Take up some hobbies or do things you enjoy. If/when he contacts you and asks you for another date, then get excited. Unfortunately, I have had more often than not guys I met on dating sites just drop off the face of the planet, even when I thought everything went great. You just never know what's going on with other people.
Author 22yrslater Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 stace79, Question: should I have made some kind of comment to him about our last date? I didn't because I thought he understood that I enjoyed it by my response to his kisses. But was that enough? Should I have mentioned seeing each other sooner than in 2 wks? I feel like I should do something as far as the next date (if there is one) because he has planned our first 2 dates. Again, I am sorry; I am just wondering if I did something wrong. I have not dated since I was 19-20 yrs old and have no clue what I am doing at all. I don't know the ins and outs, what is supposed to happen, who says what, who does what..... nothing!! Part of it is because I am scared to show too much emotion in the beginning. By nature, I am a very expressive person verbally and if you look at my face, you can read it like an open book. At least that's what I've been told. I want whatever relationship I get into will be different than my past relationships, hoping that changing how the relationship progresses makes something truly a lasting relationship, whether it' with this guy or someone else.
NormanLUnderwood2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I agree on what Mike B. said..hmm great advice..
Sabali Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I have been doing even MORE reading about dating and how things progress. I don't know if these are just rules of thumb, suggestions or the "recipe" for the beginning of a successful relationship. It is mentioned that you should only let a few days go by before a 2nd date. This is to make the attraction seem more real or solidify first impressions or make better 2nd impressions. Oh, great! Another one is born!
Author 22yrslater Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Sabali, WTF is that supposed to mean?
Sabali Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Sabali, WTF is that supposed to mean? It means don't get into these rules. Go with the flow! To many people are screwing up every thing by making something that should occur naturally into a "recipe." Before you know it, you will be heavy into gaming and he will be heavy into running. Just say no!
kalikula Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 My suggestion is to wait for him to call or text you first. The ball is really in his court now! In the meantime you should keep your options open and be social and meet other people. In my experience you don't really know where guys from online are coming from. They can come off strong and then suddenly disappear (as someone else mentioned). Maybe this is true of guys in RL too... But so far I have found it more true of guys online. It's possible he doesn't really know what he wants, isn't sure of your guys' connection, is still hung up on an ex.. Don't take it personally if it doesn't work out either!
D-Lish Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I went back into the dating scene after my divorce and it was tough to figure things out again. Stace is right, don't chase him. I rarely, if ever, make unsolicited contact with a man. That's not about playing games- it's about not coming across as too eager, which can be a big turn off. One thing you have to get used to is that people are fickle. That's why you should keep your options open, and don't take rejection personally. Keep playing the field and making new connections until one pans out. If you want my personal opinion, you are doing too much reaching out. He hasn't replied to your last text(s), so the ball is in his court to contact you. Don't contact him again to ask him out. No matter how much I like a guy, I will never continue to reach out to him if he hasn't made any effort to reach out to me. Using restraint isn't playing games. If you contact someone too much without allowing them to make the effort, you'll come off as over-eager.
Author 22yrslater Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Well, he hasn't called/text/IM'd/emailed me as of yet. But I haven't contacted him either. It seems that things really cooled off on his end about 1 1/2 wks after our first date. I don't know why. Then again I may never find out. I know that it's too soon to call this a "relationship", but I'm not interested in seeing/meeting others. It's hard for me to think of meeting another person when I am really interested in this one. I don't know if it's because I believe in monogamy or what it is. I would like to concentrate on this one if it should happen. Oh well; que sera, sera. Every relationship I have been in, I've had to take the bull by the horns because my husband wouldn't take charge. It's hard to stop that, especially since I was doing it for 22 yrs!! Hard to change old habits. But I am trying; as much as it's driving me nuts!!! Anyway, thanks to all for your suggestions and advice. Please keep posting them. I have printed some of the suggestions out and made little reminders for myself and placed them in areas that I know I look at frequently to remind me!! I know it sounds crazy!! Maybe daily reminders will help keep myself from panicking and call him.
D-Lish Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 (edited) Well, he hasn't called/text/IM'd/emailed me as of yet. But I haven't contacted him either. It seems that things really cooled off on his end about 1 1/2 wks after our first date. I don't know why. Then again I may never find out. I know that it's too soon to call this a "relationship", but I'm not interested in seeing/meeting others. It's hard for me to think of meeting another person when I am really interested in this one. I don't know if it's because I believe in monogamy or what it is. I would like to concentrate on this one if it should happen. One thing I can tell you after re-entering the dating scene after being married is that it's never a good idea to put all your eggs into one basket. If he hasn't responded, so be it, on to the next. You really do have to operate that way. Someone that is really interested will make the effort. If they don't, they aren't interested enough! That alone is reason enough to move on. If you really think about it logically- there is no use in waiting for a person that can't even return a text within a reasonable amount of time. If you're feeling like things have cooled off on his end, that's not an unreasonable assumption, because his lack of response supports that notion. Trust your instincts, they have more merit than you realize. Edited July 20, 2010 by D-Lish
WalkInThePark Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Stop trying to find out what the rules are. The rules are what you make them to be. You met this guy on a dating site. You have to know something about dating sites. For a lot of people it is like a supermarket. They stroll in it and take some stuff from the shelfs but when they see cookies with another flavour, they will put those in their kart. They might be polite enough to put back the other cookies on the right shelf but very often they will just throw them out of their kart. So a lot of cookies will be thrown in and out of the kart but very few will still be in the kart when the guy passes at the checkout. Actually, some guys never make it to the checkout anyway because they prefer to keep riding with their kart in the supermarket. This guy seemed to like you but I have experienced that it means nothing. It is well possible that he is seeing several women at the same time and treats all of them well and kisses all of them. Do also not be blind for your own ambivalence. You say that you don't want a relationship right now but you want to see where something can go. With that kind of attitude you might attract an ambivalent guy like this one seems to be. Empower yourself. Decide on your own rules. You had 2 good dates and you want to have another one. You have 2 options: 1) you tell this guy you really like him and want to have another date. Some will say that that is against the rules. I think it is OK to do this but you have to be careful to check if afterwards you are not the one who is the engine of the relationship. 2) you wait and see if the guy contacts you again, and you decide on a timeframe that you find reasonable. If he waits one month to call you, I think it is too long. If 2) is your option, then don't call and text him. Definitely don't call/text him "to say hello" because that is bull****. You call him hoping that he will propose a 3rd date. Personnally I refuse to play games. OK, maybe that is the reason why I am single . I no longer use dating sites because I find the superficial way in which people deal with other people horrible. I don't want to be tried out and I don't want to try out either. I believe in doing things you like and interacting with people that way. That gives you the opportunity to get to know someone without any stress or agenda's and to get a good idea of the ethics of someone.
EasyHeart Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I agree with what others have said. Above all, don't chase. It will make you seem needy and desperate, which are both attraction killers. And WalkInThePark described dating sites perfectly. IMO, they are a horrible way to meet people. Older men especially tend to turn into professional daters who know exactly what to say and do to string women along. I guarantee you that you were not the only woman this guy was dating. He hasn't called because he's more interested in someone else. If he calls again, that means he's gotten down far enough on his list to ask you out again.
stace79 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Basically, OP, if he doesn't contact you that means he is not really that into you. If he wants to see you, he will call you. Nothing you say or do short of telling him not to call you anymore will keep him from reaching out if he really wants to.
Author 22yrslater Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 When I said that I am not looking for a serious relationship I should have clarified and said that I'm not looking for marriage right out of the gate. But I am open to the possibility of a serious relationship, a committed relationship, if it should happen. Where else can you meet others? Just in the past few months have I started venturing out and meeting people. For many years my life revolved around my family so I never really met others. Thank you all for your advice and comments.
Mimolicious Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Why would you ask if playing games still applies ? 99% of the female population still does it. Why stop now ? and I didn't know you were actually the spokesperson for 99% of the female population. Don't sabotage yourself with these so-called "games". Reach out to him with just a simple "Hello, thought about you. How is your day going?"- what's so hard about that? If he replies, then he replies. If he doesn't, then take it for what it is. At least you can say that you tried and not wonder what "if".
Mimolicious Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 One thing I can tell you after re-entering the dating scene after being married is that it's never a good idea to put all your eggs into one basket. If he hasn't responded, so be it, on to the next. You really do have to operate that way. Someone that is really interested will make the effort. If they don't, they aren't interested enough! That alone is reason enough to move on. If you really think about it logically- there is no use in waiting for a person that can't even return a text within a reasonable amount of time. If you're feeling like things have cooled off on his end, that's not an unreasonable assumption, because his lack of response supports that notion. Trust your instincts, they have more merit than you realize. Did you miss this part? "Well, he hasn't called/text/IM'd/emailed me as of yet. But I haven't contacted him either. So what is it that he is not returning?
Mimolicious Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Stop trying to find out what the rules are. The rules are what you make them to be. You met this guy on a dating site. You have to know something about dating sites. For a lot of people it is like a supermarket. They stroll in it and take some stuff from the shelfs but when they see cookies with another flavour, they will put those in their kart. They might be polite enough to put back the other cookies on the right shelf but very often they will just throw them out of their kart. So a lot of cookies will be thrown in and out of the kart but very few will still be in the kart when the guy passes at the checkout. Actually, some guys never make it to the checkout anyway because they prefer to keep riding with their kart in the supermarket. This guy seemed to like you but I have experienced that it means nothing. It is well possible that he is seeing several women at the same time and treats all of them well and kisses all of them. Do also not be blind for your own ambivalence. You say that you don't want a relationship right now but you want to see where something can go. With that kind of attitude you might attract an ambivalent guy like this one seems to be. Empower yourself. Decide on your own rules. You had 2 good dates and you want to have another one. You have 2 options: 1) you tell this guy you really like him and want to have another date. Some will say that that is against the rules. I think it is OK to do this but you have to be careful to check if afterwards you are not the one who is the engine of the relationship. 2) you wait and see if the guy contacts you again, and you decide on a timeframe that you find reasonable. If he waits one month to call you, I think it is too long. If 2) is your option, then don't call and text him. Definitely don't call/text him "to say hello" because that is bull****. You call him hoping that he will propose a 3rd date. Personnally I refuse to play games. OK, maybe that is the reason why I am single . I no longer use dating sites because I find the superficial way in which people deal with other people horrible. I don't want to be tried out and I don't want to try out either. I believe in doing things you like and interacting with people that way. That gives you the opportunity to get to know someone without any stress or agenda's and to get a good idea of the ethics of someone. Great post WALK!!!!!!!! I agree 110%. @ the supermarket comment. LOL!
Mimolicious Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Where else can you meet others? Are you serious? As far as I can recall, dating online hasn't been around since stone ages. Whoa! Why right away are we assuming that he is not so into 22? Maybe he has a hectic schedule? Has his kid on the weekends? We are adults with responsabilities and honestly IME-I don't have all the time in the world to parade around on dates. Hence the fact that yes, he probably is a serial dater but we/you don't really know this.
carhill Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I also asked him if he had any plans for 2 wks later and said he didn't. He said that he would definitely contact me over the weekend. Well, he never did. Yup, the guy had an opening large enough to drive a cement truck through and he let it go. Great information TBH, I've been derailed enough over the years by married and attached women being 'creative' about their circumstances that I'm really ambivalent about putting much out there when dating. Stbx was one of the first American ladies I met in many years who actually appeared to be, in practice and by statement, single. I heard some of the reverse from LS ladies, whom would never consider dating a man like myself, while I was 'separated'. That's emminently fair, IMO. To the best of my knowledge, stbx has already been through at least two relationships while we were separated. This essential reality is the conundrum men face; the reality that another man has no compunction about jumping right in as soon as there's a whiff of indicision on the female's part about her current relationship or marriage. Some women have cadres of such 'orbiters'. As a man who doesn't know the woman, like in the circumstance of the OP, he has no clues, other than his life experiences. I'm offering this to you as one man's perspective. How long have you been divorced? By that, I mean how long since the court seal on the documents. We're still waiting for that part, even though we've settled out long ago and, as evidenced above in stbx's case, moved on. As a man, in the back of my mind, I see stbx's 'style', along with the 'styles' of other women I've known my life, and form conclusions, as well as for things to watch for; signs of everything not being as it seems. Everyone is different in this regard. I've been played with enough to have this perspective. Your 'gentleman' perhaps has a completely different path. Time will tell
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