Kaileah Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Hi guys, Long time reader, recently joined, first time poster I guess I need a clearer perspective on what is going on here... I met a guy online, a few weeks ago. He tells me he only wants a casual relationship, except he wants us to be committed to each other and not see anyone else. Being a fairly busy person with relationship skeletons, I thought it would be okay to give it a go. So far, we've had numerous dates and the days we don't see each other consist of endless messaging/texting throughout the entire day. His idea of a date is to take me down to a seaside town, knowing that I love the beach... We enjoy each other's company and am happy together... there's a few factors in the way though. a) he has kids from a precious relationship... that's not so much the issue as the issue that he initially was going to keep this to himself b) despite the "casual" tagging, when we're together, it doesn't feel like that.... in the respect that he's doting, caring and very protective of me. c) he's started to send me little messages randomly that have undertones of a devoted partner as opposed to random friend I could hook up with. d) he remembers details - favourite flower, food, birthdays etc. I guess what I'm worried about is that his behaviour is very much that of a boyfriend, or what I would expect of a boyfriend, without being a boyfriend. And the attention to detail he pays in planning each and every date is making my head spin - if he's just looking to get laid, he sure as hell is investing a LOT. I guess what I'm trying to find out here is that should I keep seeing him to see if a true relationship develops? Because I know I'm falling hard for him and would hate to have to pick up the many pieces a broken heart if he suddenly leaves. Should I speak to him? I'm very confused right now.
brainygirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Gee, he plans nice dates, takes you places you love, remembers what you like and don't like, and it fun to be around. Oh yeah, dump him, dump him now. That was sarcasm. Talk to him about what he meant by casual relationship. He may have just meant that he dodn't want to jump into something that was super serious and on track for marriage. To him casual may mean that you have fun, enjoy eachother, get to know each other, and not worry about what it all means.
New_Life08 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Not sure you are doing anything"wrong". You two communicate too much for people who want a casual relationship. The two of you are falling in love instead of the original plan...just roll with it.
brokendream Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I would just see how it goes. He may have initially wanted a casual relationship but now he's falling for you. It's a lot of effort to be putting in just for sex so I think he really likes you....he probably just wants to take things very slowly.
bac Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 IMO if he told you that you were casual it means you are. So, do not lose perspective. Do not take it seriously. IMO It is his style of casual relationship and he can not do it differently. People are different and they see casual relationship differently in details. All that you described were just details which can be different, but his words 'I want to be casual' is a serious statement. I personally do the same things with casual dates because I was married before and I simply do not know how to behave casually with a partner. It is hard to change your behavior to a new one.
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Just go with it for now. Don't put any pressure on him. He was upfront from the beginning, except for the not mentioning his kids part.
Author Kaileah Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Thanks for the insight. I think I left out another important question: How do you stop your overactive mind from coming up with (mainly) negative scenarios that leave you feeling down about a relationship? Because I think that's what my mind is doing now - picking on little things and making mountains out of molehills - subconscious is such a pain in the butt that it even filters into my dreams... so I'm pretty much in constant fear of things going wrong when I should be enjoying myself... Oh damn, I reckon my answer is in my question somewhere, but I'm too blind (and maybe stupid) to see it. Thoughts?
brainygirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Thanks for the insight. I think I left out another important question: How do you stop your overactive mind from coming up with (mainly) negative scenarios that leave you feeling down about a relationship? Because I think that's what my mind is doing now - picking on little things and making mountains out of molehills - subconscious is such a pain in the butt that it even filters into my dreams... so I'm pretty much in constant fear of things going wrong when I should be enjoying myself... Oh damn, I reckon my answer is in my question somewhere, but I'm too blind (and maybe stupid) to see it. Thoughts? You have intimacy and relationship issues. You are afraid of developing deep feelings for another person so you are finding reasons to pick at him.
LostInLA Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the insight. I think I left out another important question: How do you stop your overactive mind from coming up with (mainly) negative scenarios that leave you feeling down about a relationship? Because I think that's what my mind is doing now - picking on little things and making mountains out of molehills - subconscious is such a pain in the butt that it even filters into my dreams... so I'm pretty much in constant fear of things going wrong when I should be enjoying myself... Oh damn, I reckon my answer is in my question somewhere, but I'm too blind (and maybe stupid) to see it. Thoughts? I have been going through something almost exactly the same recently. The solution I found that worked for me was to slow it down. Actually, the guy I'm dating has always wanted to take it slow but we kind of went faster than intended and it caught up with us. I was on the verge of breaking it off with him because I wanted more a couple of weeks ago, after about 3 months of dating. However, I realized I was rushing things. There's no need to rush. Let him plan the dates and your job is to enjoy them. Don't give more than he is giving either. That was a mistake I was starting to make and I could tell it had a negative effect. Let things progress naturally and do not focus on the "relationship" so much. Don't think about it. Remember, you are just casual and don't get too attached to the idea that you are in a relationship yet. You will end up stressing yourself out which will stress him out and it may blow up in your face. If you start acting like his girlfriend, it will freak him out and he will pull away. I guarantee it. And you will be feeling hurt. He will probably realize he is going too fast eventually and he will pull away a bit but not as much as he would if you act like his gf. When this pull happens you won't be as hurt as long as you keep the attitude that you are casual. Now that I read your post again, it is VERY similar to what I just went through. Don't assume you are his gf and he is your bf until he asks you to be his gf. Enjoy the time you have together but keep the rest of your life going until he's ready for more. This attention is going to draw you in and you may get hurt so just be cautious. I'm very lucky my guy has been open to communication and we worked things out. Good luck!!! PS - Also when you keep the "we're just casual" perspective then you won't be having those negative thoughts. I was having them so frequently for the last 2 weeks, that it stressed me out so much I thought the only solution was to end things. Deciding to take a step back and really going slow relieved all my negative thoughts and stress and now I'm looking forward to our next date in a couple of days instead of dreading it (those negative thoughts are going to make you dread seeing him!!!). Also, going slow will allow both of you to realize if you are right for each other and develop deep feelings! Edited July 19, 2010 by LostInLA
Author Kaileah Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 ^^congrats! Glad all has worked out. My problem is that I'm trying to take it slow, take a step back etc... But I'm a passionate person, and more then once have I been warned that I throw my whole heart into anything I'm involved with, usually leaving me the one burnt. The thing is, he's forever sending me the sweetest messages and whilst it makes me feel all warm and happy inside, I can't but help feel like it's messing with my head. Lucky for me I get to throw myself into work this week and not have to worry about a date at all. Thanks to everyone for their input. Fingers crossed it all ends up well.
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