Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You got it, but I want one, I really do. I am ready. Now that you realize this about yourself, I think you'll be giving of the right vibes for one now, too. Probably dating will be different for you now as you consider a relationship now? Both in who you date, and how you date.... I want one, too, but I'm not ready. Just got out of a really long drama, I mean relationship, with someone. But I don't want to go spaztic and go out there having wild fun. Been there, done that kinda thing. I'm just seeking social enjoyment right now. I know I'll be able to say "I am ready" for a real romantic relationship when I really am ready. Doesn't mean a romantic relationship can't just happen though.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 The biggest ego driven thing is that I was A-okay with him not wanting a relationship, and being friends ( I have been dating other guys all this time). As soon as I found out it's just not what he wants with ME, I got extremely (and probably irrationally) upset.
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 The biggest ego driven thing is that I was A-okay with him not wanting a relationship, and being friends ( I have been dating other guys all this time). As soon as I found out it's just not what he wants with ME, I got extremely (and probably irrationally) upset. Why did he not want to be in a relationship with you? I assume the two of you went out publicly, so he must have been attracted to you.
carhill Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 i could have swore i read something about you sleeping with a guy just a few weeks ago. I don't know if this is the guy, but she was seeing someone recently where sex was involved, but it sounded like he didn't want more.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209296/
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Why did he not want to be in a relationship with you? I assume the two of you went out publicly, so he must have been attracted to you. Liek I said, he said he "didn't want a relationship, was happy being single" We left it at that. I was respecting that and enjoying his company.
boogieboy Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I want one, too, but I'm not ready. Just got out of a really long drama, I mean relationship, with someone. But I don't want to go spaztic and go out there having wild fun. Been there, done that kinda thing. I'm just seeking social enjoyment right now. I know I'll be able to say "I am ready" for a real romantic relationship when I really am ready. Doesn't mean a romantic relationship can't just happen though. See this is where the lie is. So you ARE ready for a relationship. Youre not LOOKING for one, but youre open for the RIGHT guy to come along and sweep you off your feet. So instead of telling people youre not ready, which isnt true, you tell them, "Im not interested in you, sorry". Otherwise its a cop-out and a straight up lie.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 I don't know if this is the guy, but she was seeing someone recently where sex was involved, but it sounded like he didn't want more.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209296/ it was ME who didn't want more in that situation, and I ended it.
carhill Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Do you see any relevance of that relationship dynamic to this thread?
Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 See this is where the lie is. So you ARE ready for a relationship. Youre not LOOKING for one, but youre open for the RIGHT guy to come along and sweep you off your feet. So instead of telling people youre not ready, which isnt true, you tell them, "Im not interested in you, sorry". Otherwise its a cop-out and a straight up lie. Ah, no, I am very interested in people, I only feel that I'm not ready for a romantic relationship at this time. I could have one right now, but I really do just want to be socially active and enjoy the company right now. I choose to be single right now. I'm not looking for a romantic relationship, but I will be open to one if it happens. If that someone special comes along, I will commit to being open for that relationship. So I won't tell anyone I'm not interested in them. I won't cop-out. I've always copped out of real relationships. On the contrary, I need to commit to one....
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 I do, carhill.. completely To be quite honest. I spent a lot of time off from dating after a long relationship/marriage. In the last couple of years I have tried things from all different angles. I have tried the casual sex/FWB thing (worked with one, not with another). I have tried the relationship thing (didn't work out, I wasn't ready for it), I have tried the play-it-cool friend thing, thought that would be ok, but here I am. I am mainly trying to find my way, and be ok with whatever comes my way. I get overly sensitive, which makes beign single and looking really hard. lol
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) The biggest ego driven thing is that I was A-okay with him not wanting a relationship, and being friends ( I have been dating other guys all this time). As soon as I found out it's just not what he wants with ME, I got extremely (and probably irrationally) upset. The thing about dating other people is that its a black or white thing. If you tell the person that you are dating other people, they keep things in perspective and don't commit. If you tell the person that you aren't dating other people (or say nothing at all), but you are, they will usually find out in time but there are signs - some guys are really keen about these and keep things in perspective and don't commit. If you tell the person that you aren't dating others and you really aren't, the universe tends to line up for you. You don't have to create lies to cover up more lies and continue the game. The other person can feel your honesty. I bet you really liked something about this guy but coming from your inability to commit (and his intentions) gave you no bargaining chips. Edited December 6, 2009 by You'reasian
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 The thing about dating other people is that its a black or white thing. If you tell the person that you are dating other people, they keep things in perspective and don't commit. If you tell the person that you aren't dating other people (or say nothing at all), but you are, they will usually find out in time but there are signs - some guys are really keen about these and keep things in perspective and don't commit. If you tell the person that you aren't dating others and you really aren't, the universe tends to line up for you. You don't have to create lies to cover up more lies and continue the game. The other person can feel your honesty. I bet you really liked something about this guy but coming from your inability to commit (and his intentions) gave you no bargaining chips. There were never any lies that I created. I don't feel the need to lie. I am ready for a commitment.
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 There were never any lies that I created. I don't feel the need to lie. I am ready for a commitment. Let your actions and words line up. I know this is hard to do, pain-staking and it doesn't give you the upper hand, boost the ego or make you feel sexy or important, but it will cause an unhealthy relationship to crumble or a healthy one to bloom
boogieboy Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Ah, no, I am very interested in people, I only feel that I'm not ready for a romantic relationship at this time. I could have one right now, but I really do just want to be socially active and enjoy the company right now. I choose to be single right now. I'm not looking for a romantic relationship, but I will be open to one if it happens. If that someone special comes along, I will commit to being open for that relationship. So I won't tell anyone I'm not interested in them. I won't cop-out. I've always copped out of real relationships. On the contrary, I need to commit to one.... You just repeated what I said. Youre just not interested in dating until the right guy comes along. But when you tell someone that youre not ready for a relationship, thats the cop out of the truth. Its a lie. The truth is you dont want to tell them that youre not interested in them for a long term deal. Whats wrong with telling them that? Youre not going to tell that to the guy that you want to try something with.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Let your actions and words line up. I know this is hard to do' date=' pain-staking and it doesn't give you the upper hand, boost the ego or make you feel sexy, but it will cause an unhealthy relationship to crumble or a healthy one to bloom [/quote'] I am thinking that my online persona comes off differently than reality, because I have never prioritized feeling sexy or having the "upper hand" with men over what I really want.
dudet Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You just repeated what I said. Youre just not interested in dating until the right guy comes along. But when you tell someone that youre not ready for a relationship, thats the cop out of the truth. Its a lie. The truth is you dont want to tell them that youre not interested in them for a long term deal. Whats wrong with telling them that? Youre not going to tell that to the guy that you want to try something with. i have a feeling a lot of girls have told you they are not ready for relationship. you then found out they just didn't want to date you. it hurts doesn't it lol
boogieboy Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 i have a feeling a lot of girls have told you they are not ready for relationship. you then found out they just didn't want to date you. it hurts doesn't it lol Nope, I knew when they didnt want to date me from the first or second encounter. I then left them alone. My point is the statement of copout.
sedgwick Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 We have been hanging out for a while, we go out dancing, out to eat, etc. I sometiems wonder if I will ever like someone who likes me enough to be his girlfriend and vice versa. All I can say is that I TOTALLY know how you feel!!!!! I've been hanging out with a guy for about a month and a half, and he touches me a lot, looks into my eyes a lot, and asked me out a few nights ago on what I truly thought was a date but which ended with him taking off with one of his buddies and leaving me on the street in the middle of the night looking for a cab. I sincerely thought guys didn't ask girls out and be touchy-feely with them if they weren't interested, but apparently they do! I think I'm a fairly cool chick. I have a lot going for me, and I'm not ugly. But I've spent most of my 30s either single or in go-nowhere relationships, and it's bumming me out. Just know that you're not alone and that I'm wondering the same thing too!! And yes, you're gorgeous.
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 i have a feeling a lot of girls have told you they are not ready for relationship. you then found out they just didn't want to date you. it hurts doesn't it lol There's nothing wrong with having good guy traits and women not finding you attractive. It might be frustrating, but the end result is a real relationship.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You just repeated what I said. Youre just not interested in dating until the right guy comes along. But when you tell someone that youre not ready for a relationship, thats the cop out of the truth. Its a lie. The truth is you dont want to tell them that youre not interested in them for a long term deal. Whats wrong with telling them that? Youre not going to tell that to the guy that you want to try something with. Okay, I get it. Your issue is with the phrase, "I'm not ready for a relationship." I agree, it can be a cop out, but it can honestly be a legitimate excuse. For example, ahem... When I was a teenager, I was not ready for a relationship. I totally didn't get it, it was all for fun, wasn't even looking for a relationship. So I never had to use the phrase. And even with guys wanting something more from me, I just wouldn't call them back or see them again. It was immature but so was I. Truly then, I was not ready for a relationship. Early twenties. (20-24) I wasn't available for a relationship. Period. Didn't even date. Lots of stuff going on. Truly, I was not available for a relationship. Mid twenties. (24-27) THIS is when I was using the phrase, "I'm not ready for a relationship." But I had good reason to say it, could go into detail but all that is important now is that truly, I was not ready for a relationship. It wasn't a lie, it was my perspective. Currently.... I'm 27. I choose to be single right now, but can't legitimately say that "I'm not ready for a relationship." It is no longer true. So now, you're right, if I were to say that it would be a cop out. SO my point is..... Get it straight. That phrase exists for a reason. It's not always a cop out, but can be.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Oh, and I just got out of a long relationship, so I was truly not ready for a relationship right after that relationship, even if that relationship didn't work because my reason was I was not ready for a relationship. lol. Anyway, back to the OP. Vixen, I hope you got something out of that.
ADF Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 What may of happened is that he was hoping to have you not as a friend, but as a FWB. Many men--maybe even most men--prefer FWB to having a GF. In a FWB relationship, the guy gets all the benfits of having a GF but with no strings--the ultimate win/win situation for him. Maybe when he realized you really liked him, he figured you weren't FWB friendly and moved on. It may sound like I'm reading a lot into this, but I don't think so. When a guy says, "I'm not ready for a relationship" but still wants to see you, he is often trying to feel out the possibilities of FWB. Not always, but often.
dudet Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Okay, I get it. Your issue is with the phrase, "I'm not ready for a relationship." I agree, it can be a cop out, but it can honestly be a legitimate excuse. For example, ahem... When I was a teenager, I was not ready for a relationship. I totally didn't get it, it was all for fun, wasn't even looking for a relationship. So I never had to use the phrase. And even with guys wanting something more from me, I just wouldn't call them back or see them again. It was immature but so was I. Truly then, I was not ready for a relationship. Early twenties. (20-24) I wasn't available for a relationship. Period. Didn't even date. Lots of stuff going on. Truly, I was not available for a relationship. Mid twenties. (24-27) THIS is when I was using the phrase, "I'm not ready for a relationship." But I had good reason to say it, could go into detail but all that is important now is that truly, I was not ready for a relationship. It wasn't a lie, it was my perspective. Currently.... I'm 27. I choose to be single right now, but can't legitimately say that "I'm not ready for a relationship." It is no longer true. So now, you're right, if I were to say that it would be a cop out. SO my point is..... Get it straight. That phrase exists for a reason. It's not always a cop out, but can be. not ready for relationship that many times. thats most of your life lol. maybe you have some personal issues that some therapy could do wonders for
Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 not ready for relationship that many times. thats most of your life lol. maybe you have some personal issues that some therapy could do wonders for Yeah, thanks, Einstein. lol. Yes, I did have some personal issues to sort through. Hey, life happens. I'm not ashamed, and not ashamed of admitting to the help - or therapy - that I needed. At least, when it's appropriate. The only reason I put myself out there was because boogieboy cornered me with telling a lie of "I'm not ready for a relationship." I don't use that phrase to lie. I've not used that phrase as a lie. But he is right to point out that if I were to use that phrase now it would be a lie. He made me think about that, and I appreciate it. In relation to the OP's thread.... I just think that she too has not been ready for a relationship, but now her perspective is also changing. NOW she's ready for one, and is honestly admitting that to herself. Same with the guy in question that she was griping about. He claimed he didn't want a relationship, but two months later he's in a relationship. Whether it's not being ready for a relationship, or not wanting a relationship, it's usually not a lie, it's perspective. The LIE comes into place when instead of telling someone you are not interested in them, you lie to them and dishonestly tell throw at them any lie to get you out of the relationship - such as "I'm not ready - instead of being honest with them that you are not interested in furthering THAT relationship. (see, boogieboy, I get it..)
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) Yeah, thanks, Einstein. lol. Yes, I did have some personal issues to sort through. Hey, life happens. I'm not ashamed, and not ashamed of admitting to the help - or therapy - that I needed. At least, when it's appropriate. The only reason I put myself out there was because boogieboy cornered me with telling a lie of "I'm not ready for a relationship." I don't use that phrase to lie. I've not used that phrase as a lie. But he is right to point out that if I were to use that phrase now it would be a lie. He made me think about that, and I appreciate it. In relation to the OP's thread.... I just think that she too has not been ready for a relationship, but now her perspective is also changing. NOW she's ready for one, and is honestly admitting that to herself. Same with the guy in question that she was griping about. He claimed he didn't want a relationship, but two months later he's in a relationship. Whether it's not being ready for a relationship, or not wanting a relationship, it's usually not a lie, it's perspective. The LIE comes into place when instead of telling someone you are not interested in them, you lie to them and dishonestly tell throw at them any lie to get you out of the relationship - such as "I'm not ready - instead of being honest with them that you are not interested in furthering THAT relationship. (see, boogieboy, I get it..) I'm blunt, but tactfull. If I meet a woman whose not ready to be in a relationship, I ask her about it, try to workout where we are going and go from there. Goes back to the basics: communication. If she wants to **** others, it usually comes out one way or another. Edited December 6, 2009 by You'reasian
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