V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I met a guy a while back at a local bar. We have been hanging out for a while, we go out dancing, out to eat, etc. I had a convo with him a couple months ago, and he let me know he isn't looking for a relationship at all, but likes hanging out with me and wants to be friends. Well, he has a girlfriend now. I just don't get it. I am never the girlfriend. Always put in the friend zone. I feel lied to and this is a shot to my self esteem. Why am I not girlfriend material if I am "so much fun" (his words)? I sometiems wonder if I will ever like someone who likes me enough to be his girlfriend and vice versa.
learning to deal Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 First I have to say that if that is you in your picture, you are a very beautiful woman! I understand exactly how you feel as I've been there. I wish I had the answers but all I know to say is keep trying...and by trying I mean don't try too much. Let it find you and in the mean time be happy in life and what you do....when it's in front of you, you'll know and it'll be worth the wait and hardships
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 First I have to say that if that is you in your picture, you are a very beautiful woman! I understand exactly how you feel as I've been there. I wish I had the answers but all I know to say is keep trying...and by trying I mean don't try too much. Let it find you and in the mean time be happy in life and what you do....when it's in front of you, you'll know and it'll be worth the wait and hardships That's me, and thank you. Beauty doesn't get you that far, unfortunately. When will it be my turn to find soemthing real?
learning to deal Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Unfortunately and fortunately...I don't think many of us that post here know that answer for ourselves....otherwise we wouldn't be posting questions to others for relationship advice! I believe that everything happens for a reason and you have to follow your heart, even through the pain...which is the hardest part of it all. Pain is temporary and time will tell all...have faith and keep your chin up. You are a breath taking, beautiful woman who seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Beauty only goes so far and it does fade, but it does help attract potential candidates that you can weed through to find a good one
carhill Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 OP, perhaps you have an issue similar to one I've complained about, in that I tend to attract a certain kind of woman, in my case emotionally unavailable women. Your specific issue may be different, but it's possible that the commonality is your attraction style, either the signals you put out or the men you 'choose'. IMO, when you see a pattern over time and it isn't healthy or satisfying to you, it's time to look in the mirror.
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I met a guy a while back at a local bar. We have been hanging out for a while, we go out dancing, out to eat, etc. I had a convo with him a couple months ago, and he let me know he isn't looking for a relationship at all, but likes hanging out with me and wants to be friends. Well, he has a girlfriend now. I just don't get it. I am never the girlfriend. Always put in the friend zone. I feel lied to and this is a shot to my self esteem. Why am I not girlfriend material if I am "so much fun" (his words)? I sometiems wonder if I will ever like someone who likes me enough to be his girlfriend and vice versa. You met the guy at a bar. Maybe subconscously you don't want to be someone's girlfriend. What was your status and dating activity prior to meeting this gentleman? Career's and one's own personal interests, passions, desires etc. often come above relationship wants. Lastly, en vino veritas
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Yes, we met at a bar, but he isn't your typical guy that hangs out at a bar to meet women. He tends to go out on his own, and likes to dance, so we met on the dance floor, and the rest was history. I was fine with being friends, even though I really liked him. I just don't understand the lying part. Just tell me you only like me as a friend, not that you are uninterested in a girlfriend altogether. We just hung out a couple weeks ago and had a great time! I don't know, I just can't seem to win. I have been dating for years, and can't seem to find a mutual attraction that turns into anything, so maybe I am putting the wrong signals out there.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I don't know, I just can't seem to win. I have been dating for years, and can't seem to find a mutual attraction that turns into anything, I am so maybe putting the wrong signals out there. Yes, from what I see, you are definitely putting out the wrong signals. From this thread alone, I know that you're called "vixen", you live in "dirty jersey", and you like to "have fun". It's an image, or person, that you need to re-define if you want a serious relationship. edit... not that it's the "wrong" image.... just that it's not a GF image guys are going to be comfortable with.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Yes, from what I see, you are definitely putting out the wrong signals. From this thread alone, I know that you're called "vixen", you live in "dirty jersey", and you like to "have fun". It's an image, or person, that you need to re-define if you want a serious relationship. I am also kind- hearted, hard-working, easy to talk to, and a good listener. Anyone who spends time with me knows that. I don't think I should have to be someone I am not to attract someone. I don't make up some fake persona, I am who I am. I don't think I should have to change that to appease anyone.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I am also kind- hearted, hard-working, easy to talk to, and a good listener. Anyone who spends time with me knows that. I don't think I should have to be someone I am not to attract someone. Okay, but think of it this way...if you're meeting guys in bars of clubs, you're most likely portraying the "fun vixen" aspect more than the "kind-hearted, easy to talk to" aspect. So maybe you just need to switch up your approach.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I am also kind- hearted, hard-working, easy to talk to, and a good listener. Anyone who spends time with me knows that. I don't think I should have to be someone I am not to attract someone. I don't make up some fake persona, I am who I am. I don't think I should have to change that to appease anyone. I have no doubt you are. Then it seems that guys are judging you from your image. Somehow you will have to cultivate who you really are into your image, so that guys see THAT, too. Or tone down your current image, so that guys can see you for who you really are, so they can see your real qualities. It sounds like they are passing you up for something more real, because you don't let them see the real you.
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Yes, we met at a bar, but he isn't your typical guy that hangs out at a bar to meet women. He tends to go out on his own, and likes to dance, so we met on the dance floor, and the rest was history. I was fine with being friends, even though I really liked him. I just don't understand the lying part. Just tell me you only like me as a friend, not that you are uninterested in a girlfriend altogether. We just hung out a couple weeks ago and had a great time! I don't know, I just can't seem to win. I have been dating for years, and can't seem to find a mutual attraction that turns into anything, so maybe I am putting the wrong signals out there. Sorry to hear this. I've met most of my long-term relationships outside of the bar. Try that. Indeed. Look at the signals you put out. Where were you before you met this guy? Were you slumming up the bars? Were you single, distanced from other guys and trying to do something meaningful? Communication is paramount. Keep the dialogue with the other person to see where they are at. If they're not on the same page, understand that the relationship may not go anywhere.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 I get what you're saying, but I didn't intend to meet a guy there. i don't go to the bar looking for men. I just don't appreciate being lied to, no matter how I met the person. What ever happened to honesty? Look, I know the odds are that I am not going to meet the man of my dreams at a bar. I am just a big fan of keeping it real... THAT is my focus here. I had accepted that we are friends, but why lie??? BTW, my screen name comes from VintageVixen, referring to my screenname elsewhere, since I love 1940 vintage pinups. It's my real personality. I don't act like anything other than what I am.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 So in your avatar... I LOVE your outfit, btw.... but I can't tell if it's a costume or the real you??
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I am just a big fan of keeping it real... THAT is my focus here. I had accepted that we are friends, but why lie??? Well men (people in generally actually) always have and always are going to lie, it's a fact of life, especially when it means getting a little extra attention from a member of the opposite sex. Women do the same thing...meet a nice guy, string him along, then reveal they have a boyfriend but still want to "be friends." Unfortunately people crave attention from the opposite sex even if they are already attached, it's just the way some people are. I think since you addressed the fact that you were "always friendzoned" and "never girlfriend material," we were under the impression that that was the point you wanted to address. And it's probably a more realistic one to address since people will always lie. :[
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) I get what you're saying, but I didn't intend to meet a guy there. i don't go to the bar looking for men. I just don't appreciate being lied to, no matter how I met the person. What ever happened to honesty? Look, I know the odds are that I am not going to meet the man of my dreams at a bar. I am just a big fan of keeping it real... THAT is my focus here. I had accepted that we are friends, but why lie??? BTW, my screen name comes from VintageVixen, referring to my screenname elsewhere, since I love 1940 vintage pinups. It's my real personality. I don't act like anything other than what I am. I agree. Where were you before the two of you met? Were you dating lots of guys, hooking up with folks for ONS from personal ads or were you single, working on yourself and trying to find the right person? Before that, were you recently single - coming off a long term relationship and rebounding - or was the last long-term relationship ancient history? If yes, these are the signals you are putting out Edited December 6, 2009 by You'reasian
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 So in your avatar... I LOVE your outfit, btw.... but I can't tell if it's a costume or the real you?? Thank you, it is most definitely a costume! I was a retro pinup mechanic for halloween (loved it!). I wish I was alive in that era. Ok, so here's the issue with the friend zoned thing: I have had men interested in more than that, but they are always the ones I am not interested in. I get friend zoned by the ones I actually like. So, yeah, I just had a lightbulb moment, and realized that I probably do attract the wrong kind of guys somehow. You'reasian, I have been dating casually since the demise of my marriage 3.5 years ago. The longest one was about 2 months long. I am not a ONS kind of girl, I have only had one in my life and that was enough to know it is just not my thing at all.
Yukikazi Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I met a guy a while back at a local bar. We have been hanging out for a while, we go out dancing, out to eat, etc. I had a convo with him a couple months ago, and he let me know he isn't looking for a relationship at all, but likes hanging out with me and wants to be friends. Well, he has a girlfriend now. Excuse me Vixen.. I need you to clarify something for me... What exactly did he lie about? I hope you aren't saying he lied about wanting a relationship.. as from your post that isn't necessarily true. You had a convo with him a couple months ago.. I assume he said he didn't want a relationship.. Now he has a girlfriend.. did he have that a few months ago or is this a recent development?
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 It IS a recent development, but by our (lengthy and serious) conversation, and smaller conversations following that, he said that he wanted to remain single for a long time. I know he knew the woman that he now calls his girlfriend this entire time.
threebyfate Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 If he considered you a friend, he wouldn't have bothered lying to you. More likely, this is one of those, shyte happens. No one can explain attraction and why sometimes, it's immediate and other times, a slow burn. I wouldn't internalize this, especially since you knew that he only wanted to be friends. Maintaining contact with someone, when you want more, is the scary friendzone that all those guys fear they'll never get out of. And most often it's true, they never get out of that zone since the woman's perception of them is friendship.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 If he considered you a friend, he wouldn't have bothered lying to you. More likely, this is one of those, shyte happens. No one can explain attraction and why sometimes, it's immediate and other times, a slow burn. I wouldn't internalize this, especially since you knew that he only wanted to be friends. Maintaining contact with someone, when you want more, is the scary friendzone that all those guys fear they'll never get out of. And most often it's true, they never get out of that zone since the woman's perception of them is friendship. The sad part is that I really DO enjoy his company, and was happy to have someone to hang out with since I am new in town.
threebyfate Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 The sad part is that I really DO enjoy his company, and was happy to have someone to hang out with since I am new in town.If you really want to continue contact, you're going to have to shift your perception. You see him as a romantic interest, where he sees you as a friend. That's why you feel rejected and why, if you want to keep contact with him, you're going to have to friendzone him.
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You'reasian, I have been dating casually since the demise of my marriage 3.5 years ago. The longest one was about 2 months long. I am not a ONS kind of girl, I have only had one in my life and that was enough to know it is just not my thing at all. Good that you can say that.
You'reasian Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 It IS a recent development, but by our (lengthy and serious) conversation, and smaller conversations following that, he said that he wanted to remain single for a long time. I know he knew the woman that he now calls his girlfriend this entire time. I can't speak for other men, but for some guys like me commitment comes with trust, not lust. Attractive or sexually charged women are around, but trustworthy women are like rare gems.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 If you really want to continue contact, you're going to have to shift your perception. You see him as a romantic interest, where he sees you as a friend. That's why you feel rejected and why, if you want to keep contact with him, you're going to have to friendzone him. yeah, that's what I am contemplating at the moment. I am not in love with him or anything, so I may be able to just shift my perception and get over the idea of a prospect.
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