Cora Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 It was kind of last minute, but Thursday evening while I was at work he started texting me and wanted to know If I was free for lunch Friday before work? I said sure so we finally met up. Lunch went okay I guess....there were the usual nerves and awkwardness. We spent about two hours talking before I had to go in to work. Once I got to work he sent me a text saying he enjoyed having lunch with me and hoped my evening at work went well. I texted him back saying thanks, I enjoyed lunch as well and that it was nice meeting him. Tonight I got an email from him stating again how nice lunch was and asked if I'd be interested in doing something again together? I honestly don't know what I feel. I think he is a really nice person, but I'm not so sure I'm attracted to him. I mean there is no spark for me or no butterflies....whatever you want to call it. I'm not even sure if I'm suppose to feel that at this point. Maybe I'm moving way ahead of myself here. I don't know what I should do. Not sure if I should give it another go and go out with him again or just be honest with him and tell him I think we would be great friends, but not much more? Perhaps he will grow on me more and I'm just not giving him a fair chance? I don't know really? What do you guys think? If you aren't particularly attracted to someone the first time you meet them, do you call things to a hault or do you give it another go?
Awesome Username Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Be honest with him if you honestly could never see yourself ever sleeping with him. It's hard to do, but it's better than leading him on if that's what he's going for.
Tony T Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 If there are many things you admire about him, attraction can grow over time. By the same token, you can be incredibly physically smitten with someone initially and a year later find them totally repulsive. The whole love thing is a total package and often takes time. Physical attraction is very important but you don't have to be blasted out of the park on first meeting. You have my absolute word, if things go well in most other areas of your relationship with himn you will fight to be near him as much as possible in the future...and you will find him attractive beyond imagination.
Tony T Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Ann Landers, who wrote a nationally syndicated advice column in newspapers for years, once said: “Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” Don't be foolish but if you have nothing better to do, get to know this guy better. You might find yourself wild for him in time.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I think you should spend some more time! He probably falls under the safe stable category rather than the Rico Suave category. Like the above poster said, attraction can grow over time, capture main core attributes of a person first. If however, attraction does not grow, then you cannot trick mother nature. You must abort.
Bejita463 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 then you cannot trick mother nature. You must abort. So since you cannot trick mother nature, you must cheat it? *badum tshh!* Anyway, I'm with Tony on this one. As long as you don't feel there is no possible way you could become attracted. Nothing says a spark absolutely has to be there from the start.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 It was such a short first date, IMO. I say give him a second chance.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Years ago a wise friend explained the three date rule to me. She felt you always need to give it three dates - the first you might be off, the second he might be off, if nothing has happened in three dates, it's likely not going ot happen. I have amended this slightly in that if I find someone completely offensive on the first date, then there will be no second. But that is not the case for you - give it a chance and good luck!
BobSacamento Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Seems a bit premature to next this guy. Lunch dates are great for first meets but they aren't dates that are going to wow you. Far too awkward.
Angel1111 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Years ago a wise friend explained the three date rule to me. She felt you always need to give it three dates - the first you might be off, the second he might be off, if nothing has happened in three dates, it's likely not going ot happen. I have amended this slightly in that if I find someone completely offensive on the first date, then there will be no second. But that is not the case for you - give it a chance and good luck! I agree with this and with what Tony said. I would only ad that if your instincts are telling you to back off because you get negative vibes from him, then don't ignore that. But it sounds like that's not the problem. I say go out with him a couple of more times before you make a decision. There may be more there than you think.
Ingenue Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I'm a proponent of the three date rule as well. Providing that the guy has not completely repulsed you on date one and you're just unsure of whether there is any spark, give it a few more dates and see whether anything comes of it. A few hours is not that much time to assess whether a person can be a potential mate. I take more time than that deciding on a piece of furniture, and that I can always return if I decide I've purchased the wrong piece. I'm just of the camp that doesn't believe you have to have a spark right away. The emphasis on instant chemistry that e-harmony commercials and its ilk promote distort the realities of romance and love. While I don't deny that there should be some sense of attraction, don't be too quick to dismiss a person who doesn't start those internal fireworks the minute you lay eyes on each other. Through time and a few more dates, the person could really surprise you.
alphamale Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I think he is a really nice person... boy, thats the kiss of death
Lizzie60 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You should give him another chance or maybe 2-3 chances.. who knows.. It happened to me with 2 guys.. I wasn't attracted to them the first time.. I was honest with them.. but they called me for a second chance.. I went on a second date.. and OMG.. with one of them it was crazy... we saw each other for about 3 years.. the other was just OK.. but we kept seeing each other for about 2 years.. You never know.. The last guy I've met I was excited on the first date.. but the second one was just excrutiating (boring).. and it was over right then...
Devil Inside Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 So is there at least a little spark, or the potential of a spark there? If there is nothing..and you feel like you are on a date with your brother...then I think it is hard to move from there. You may go into the next date hoping for something to happen, and all that pressure will throw off the date. I think what everyone here is saying is very important, and makes sense...but I am kind of a spark guy..I like to have some attraction from the first date.
Lizzie60 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 So is there at least a little spark, or the potential of a spark there? If there is nothing..and you feel like you are on a date with your brother...then I think it is hard to move from there. You may go into the next date hoping for something to happen, and all that pressure will throw off the date. I think what everyone here is saying is very important, and makes sense...but I am kind of a spark guy..I like to have some attraction from the first date. Not necessarily DI... It happened to me.. trust me .. the first date with the one who went crazy (good).. I wasn't attracted one bit.. then he called me for a second chance.. I went on a second date.. this one was much better.. With the first date.. there is always this 'nervous awkwardness'.. the pressure... From what I read Cora enjoyed that first meeting.. she's just not sure how she feels now.. the second and third date will give her that 'certainty' about her feelings.. I say.. give it another try.. and if, this time, you are absolutely sure there is nothing there.. then you'll know..
alphamale Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 You should give him another chance or maybe 2-3 chances.. who knows.. i don't think so...
Devil Inside Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Not necessarily DI... It happened to me.. trust me .. the first date with the one who went crazy (good).. I wasn't attracted one bit.. then he called me for a second chance.. I went on a second date.. this one was much better.. With the first date.. there is always this 'nervous awkwardness'.. the pressure... From what I read Cora enjoyed that first meeting.. she's just not sure how she feels now.. the second and third date will give her that 'certainty' about her feelings.. I say.. give it another try.. and if, this time, you are absolutely sure there is nothing there.. then you'll know.. You make a good point Lizzie....but...I would like to have Cora verify that this is how she felt. I get the feeling she may be trying to convince herself that she has any feelings for this guy beyond friendship. I also have to admit...you don't strike me as the nervous on date type...that's interesting.
alphamale Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 I also have to admit...you don't strike me as the nervous on date type...that's interesting. indeed....
Angel1111 Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 boy, thats the kiss of death Nonsense. Being nice is first and foremost. If I don't think a guy is at the very least nice, it's over with. I don't know where guys get this crap that women don't want nice guys. What you miss about all those bad boys out there is that they usually start out nice, plus they have self-confidence. This whole concept that women don't want nice guys needs to die a permanent death. What women don't want is the mousy guy who has no self-confidence.
Devil Inside Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Nonsense. Being nice is first and foremost. If I don't think a guy is at the very least nice, it's over with. I don't know where guys get this crap that women don't want nice guys. What you miss about all those bad boys out there is that they usually start out nice, plus they have self-confidence. This whole concept that women don't want nice guys needs to die a permanent death. What women don't want is the mousy guy who has no self-confidence. I agree that a woman thinking you are nice is not a bad thing. However, when that is her general impression...then I think it spells trouble. "He's nice" is on every guys radar as the the kiss of death. Those two words, alone, without further description translate to "I would like to watch chick flicks with you...but I would never sleep with you."
melodymatters Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Angel just stated one of the most important facts I've ever read on here: We don't PREFER people who treat us like crap. "Badboys" start out nice, and then when we are hooked they turn crappy and it's too late because we are already attached. Kudo's Angel ! Cora, one more date to see for sure. Like someone said, lunch is not a romantic-ish thing to begin with. If you are out to dinner, have a few drinks, maybe he will relax a bit more and release some sparkling wit !
SadandConfusedWA Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Nonsense. Being nice is first and foremost. If I don't think a guy is at the very least nice, it's over with. I don't know where guys get this crap that women don't want nice guys. What you miss about all those bad boys out there is that they usually start out nice, plus they have self-confidence. This whole concept that women don't want nice guys needs to die a permanent death. What women don't want is the mousy guy who has no self-confidence. Amen. This is such a huge misconception that men need to get over. If someone is not nice, I won't see him again. Bad boys hook women by pretending that they are nice. Once women are hooked and bad boy turns bad, women keep hoping that he will go back to "nice" guy she met. If he continues being a J4rk, any woman with an ounce of self-esteem will drop him.
Devil Inside Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Amen. This is such a huge misconception that men need to get over. If someone is not nice, I won't see him again. Bad boys hook women by pretending that they are nice. Once women are hooked and bad boy turns bad, women keep hoping that he will go back to "nice" guy she met. If he continues being a J4rk, any woman with an ounce of self-esteem will drop him. These men you all are describing are players. Bad boys are jerks right from the beginning. Either way, as Angel said...what I think you women find attractive in both jerks and players is there confidence. There are nice guys with confidence. However, there are also those guys that just don't leave an impression and have the confidence of a slug...I have often heard women label those men "nice guys." So perhaps this is all an argument in semantics. So Cora...what kind of a nice guy is this?
Author Cora Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 Thank you all so much for the great advice! When I said he is a nice guy, I meant that he is very kind, respectful and yes he has confidence without being over confident. He even opened the door for me which I thought was nice.....yeah, it's been awhile since I've been out with a guy who has done this. So in that regard he is very nice...a good way nice. I think the part I'm confused on is that while overall I think the first meeting went well, I was a bit bored. There were some obvious things that we did not share the same interest on. He is a big history buff...I'm not. While I can appreciate his differences in interests, he kind of went on about some historical figure in which he was writing his thesis on, this is someone I really knew nothing about, but I tried to act interested. That was just one example, but I don't want it to sound as if that's all we talked about. He did ask me more about myself as well and I did the same of him of course. It just got to the point where I was just ready for it to be over so I could go to work. I just don't feel like we connected really. Even though I know that can take time. Other than that, I think it went well. I mean he wasn't offensive in the least and It's not like I was completely repulsed by him. I think I'm just not used to his type. I'm trying to explain this without sounding overly harsh and I'm sorry if it comes off that way. I'm by no means saying I think I'm better than him or could do better. All I'm saying is that I did not feel a connection. That said, I think I'd be a fool to at least not give him one more shot. I mean who knows what could happen? I am going to see him again. I don't just want to give up on him this soon, and yet I don't want to lead him on either. I think I just need to feel him out a little more because both of us were quite nervous during this first meeting and it would not be fair to not give it another go. I think if the second meeting is much like the first one in that I feel absolutely nothing yet again, then it's a pretty safe bet that I'm not going to. However, if I feel any better about the second meeting, I'll consider a third. I'm in limbo right now, so I think a second meeting would be wise. Thanks again you guys for helping me decide this.
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