thedreg Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) My GF and i have been together for 3 years. we're both in our later 20s.her and i have been weak for a while(little less than a year, i lost my job and it added stress, but i have one now!), but we talked about it and she assured me she wanted to work on it and make things better and that she does see a future with me. i love her very much. i cook, clean, take her out and have never yelled at her or so much as flirted with another girl. im not perfect but i know how others treat their GF and i feel im a pretty good BF, she's never had male friends other than in a group with other people and emails prior to this(that i know of) She told me she was going to have dinner with her brother tonight.after our talk about our relationship i found out (on the same day we talked) she lied and is really going with a guy she met.(some guy she sees from time to time at work) i confronted her about it. she swore he is just a friend and that she lied because she thought i would get jealous. i told her i don't care if she has male friends, but the fact she lied is really concerning. i find out he has plans to "chill at his place and have some drinks". she says its innocent and that he has no designs on her, says he knows about me and that shes not single. when i confronted her her response was "my bad i shouldn't have lied". she seemed more upset that i caught her in a lie then the fact I was hurt by her seeing another man behind my back and lying about it. i know they have only been talking for about a week or 2 so im reasonably sure nothing has happened(since she spends most of her time with me), other than drinks (in a group setting), and texting which im fine with if it really is "just friends", her ex husband cheated on her and her feelings about cheating are VERY strong, but i still feel its a dangerous situation.her ex and his new wife started as "just friends" behind their spouses back. im very uncomfortable with this, but i feel trapped, don't want to push her away, but i feel i have to draw a line somewhere with this without alienating her and seeming jealous. my gut has never been wrong and its screaming on this one. am i being paranoid? Edited December 5, 2009 by thedreg
Ruby Slippers Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 after our talk about our relationship i found out (on the same day we talked) she lied and is really going with a guy she met.(some guy she sees from time to time at work) i confronted her about it. she swore he is just a friend and that she lied because she thought i would get jealous. i told her i don't care if she has male friends, but the fact she lied is really concerning. i find out he has plans to "chill at his place and have some drinks". she says its innocent and that he has no designs on her, says he knows about me and that shes not single. Sounds very not good to me. The lie, hanging out at his place, the texts. She might not cheat, but I think she's beginning to consider getting out of the relationship. Not sure if you can do anything about it, though. If you get possessive, that'll just push her away more. If you don't do anything, she'll keep looking and probably escalate her search. I'm sure the fellas who've had some experience with this will have some advice for you. But I think it doesn't look good. Sorry, man.
New Again Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Nope, you're not just being paranoid. Draw the line, and don't worry about "losing her" - I know, I know, easier said than done. But that's kind of the whole point of drawing lines and having clear boundaries - when someone crosses them, you're done. Not just because they did something you didn't like, but because they showed that they don't respect you. If there are no consequences for doing crappy things or crossing lines, then there is no point in having them. She already disrespected you by lying. You can't trust someone who lies to you.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Yes you should be worried...this is very very bad. Adults in serious relationships don't just randomly "make new friends" of the opposite sex, outside of group things with other friends or co-workers. And it's just the two of them "hanging out" at his house? Seriously? I am just amazed that she thinks you will fall for this...I would never expect my boyfriend to be "ok" with me going over to some random guy's house to "hang out." The only instance I could think of where this would be okay is if they were friends before you met. Which isn't the case. I agree with what's already been said...put your foot down, and if it drives her away, then so be it. Otherwise she'll walk all over you and you will end up being the fool.
New Again Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Good point kiss and makeup. My bf would never go hang out at some girl's house (even one he's been friends with for awhile) just the two of them - because it's disrespectful, and not something that people do when everything's hunky dory and they love and respect their partner, etc.
Quickill Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 I'm gonna agree with what's been said before, but I'm gonna say flat out, it's a done deal. I hate to just say it like that but I've been your situation more than once. It sucks, but it's a classic technique, they have someone their sorta happy with but they find someone that might make them happier so they test out the waters. If it works they dump the person their with, if it doesn't they pretend it was just innocent, "friend stuff" and then keep looking. I say draw your line, confront, and be prepared for the end.
Author thedreg Posted December 6, 2009 Author Posted December 6, 2009 i talked to her, i appears it wont be just her and him, it will be a group, at least 2 other people there. apparently this guy is a mail guy at her work and shes known him years, she says a friend of hers( same friend) , which i know, was supposed to come down too, according to my girlfriend hes interested in her friend not her(they ran into each other at a bar and got a ride home from these 2 guys), but her friend couldn't make it for some reason,(which is like her friend cause shes flaky like that) and she felt it was rude to just bail, she even told me to call her friend if i dont beleive her, i didn't and wont. she apologized for lying to me and even offered to just not go if i was that uncomfortable with it, i told her to go, cause i don't want to be that guy, im not possessive. im not sure whether i should believe her or not, if i hadn't invested so much time and work with her i would just be done, we've been together 3 years; i feel i owe her the benefit of the doubt. i think ill feel her out for the next couple weeks and see how things go, ill probably be taking a page from Dr. Dre's book,"bit*hes aint ***** but hoes and tricks"
New Again Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 So why didn't you just go with her? And with an attitude like that, I hope your gf leaves you.
boogieboy Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Dude, she is thorowing you every lie in the book to keep you off her back. See if it was supposed to be her and 2 of her friends, she should have brought you along with them. You already suspect her pulling away now, if she has to lie about hanging with them, she is shopping. Dump her now before she dumps you. You cant trust her.
ADF Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 The fact she lied about who she was having dinner with is a giant red flag. Liars never lie just once, or to just one person. Liars lie about everything, all the time, to everyone. She clearly thinks lying to you is no big deal. Get rid of her. Now.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 6, 2009 Posted December 6, 2009 Honestly, they've clearly already laid the groundwork - anything you do now will be interfering with something that has already started. Tell her that you want to go with her - that you want to get to know this guy too since they are friends. You guys are a couple and should be able to be comfortable sharing friends, right? Be as nice and sincerely interested in going (even if you have to pretend that you really want to go and get to know her friends and not just that you want to go size up your competition.) Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
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