m-j Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 how can you stop a behavioural pattern that destroys relationships? I'm talking about insecurity. Questions, accusations, thin skin, obsessive mind, closed mind, panic attacks etc etc do i really need professional help or can i beat this myself? its all in my mind, i should be able to fix it in my mind. my friends tell me that my boyfriend has destroyed me, but i have done it myself. i can get myself out of it. what can you do to stop a behaviour that is so imprinted in you that you can't imagine NOT questioning your partner? my partner is getting sick of it. i keep finding things that he is doing that is inappropriate and flip out and then apologise later because i was over reacting. should i just try really hard to not react and think about things before i speak to him about them? what if i think its REALLY bothering me but then somehow he changes my mind and makes me see that its not a real problem? im so confused.
Stung Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 It's not unusual for people to overthink things or overreact on certain issues from time to time, but if this is genuinely a recurring theme for you and proving detrimental to your life and relationships--and from what you have said, it seems that this is the case--you might have a problem you need to seek help for. The bad news is, it's very very hard to change these kinds of thought/behavior patterns...but the good news is that it IS possible and you will be amazed by how much you learn about yourself and how strong you become in the process. Truly, becoming a better person is it's own reward. Since you are having trouble seeing your own behavior clearly, I would say you need professional insight with a counselor who can help you gain the tools to understand and control yourself better. I know you want to try to fix it yourself, but it's like trying to fix a car's engine using a pair of chopsticks, with one eye closed. There is no shame in seeking a professional with two trained eyes and a good set of tools. I would think cognitive-behavioral therapy would be the best bet for you, as it helps you retrain your thought patterns. There are actual therapists on this board, hopefully one will see this thread and give you more tailored advice on what kind of therapy to seek and how to go about it than I can. If you have health insurance, check it to find out what kind of mental health/therapeutic coverage you might have. If you don't, and money is an issue, find out if there's a local mental health clinic that has reasonably low fees. You can even try cold-calling a bunch of shrinks to find out if they have sliding scales, many do. If you are a student, you can probably get a limited run of free therapy sessions through campus health, and they can steer you on from there. At least, that's the way it worked when I was in school.
New Again Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 i keep finding things that he is doing that is inappropriate and flip out and then apologise later because i was over reacting. What kinds of things? Either what he is doing is inappropriate, or you were overreacting. I also think you should seek therapy, though I'm not convinced your bf isn't a problem.
Stung Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 What kinds of things? Either what he is doing is inappropriate, or you were overreacting. I also think you should seek therapy, though I'm not convinced your bf isn't a problem. Yeah I should have been clearer. He might very well be a d-bag, but as the OP doubts her own perceptions, there's certainly no way for us to tell secondhand. Bottom line, at the very least she needs at least one objective 3rd party --NOT a friend or relative-- to help evaluate. She still needs therapy even if he's being a manipulative gaslighting d-bag, however, due to the obsessiveness, panic attacks, and difficulty with discerning reality, IMO. And that is not a slam, OP. I just want you to learn some better tools for dealing with yourself and your partners.
billy356 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Stung had some great thoughts there, make sure you read them over again. However based on what you wrote I am not convinced that this is an ingrained behavior pattern because you mention that your friends think your current bf caused this change in you. This would lead me to believe that you were in fact at one time not exhibiting these behavior traits, which would be contra-indicative of a true mental deficiency. it could very well be that just being in this relationship might not be good for you and they way you are coping with it is by sliding into this neurotic,ruminating form of OCD. Good idea to see a clinical psychologist to talk it over once. They can make a recommendation on whether you should go up the chain in acute care or if simply modifying the way you deal with your behavior is better such as Stung mentioned. Summary: Let's confirm that it is YOU that has a problem before we try to fix anything
Kamille Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 should i just try really hard to not react and think about things before i speak to him about them? Yes. Try that. It can't hurt. I read up a bit on your past threads and it seems to be that your bf and you might be in a pattern of acting-reacting. That is, because of issues you've had very early on in the relationship, you might be used to reacting and trying to get reassurance from him. The question is: do you trust him now? What would you need to trust him 100%? Also, you can change your behaviour - but do it for yourself. Have your own back and stop turning to your bf for reassurance. When you feel insecure, take time for yourself to assess the situation. The problems won't magnify or get worse just because you don't discuss them straight away. Find a way to calm yourself down by doing breathing exercises or taking time to go sweat it out at the gym. Then when get back to the issue You will have more distance and will be in a better place to discuss whatever is bothering you. Plus, approaching issues from a space of calm rather then anxiety will improve the communication between the two of you. Or, worst case scenario, it'll help you figure out if you really do trust your bf or not.
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