BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I set up a plenty of fish profile almost two months ago. Since then I've met up with 6 women, slept with 4 of them. I feel like I'm being a bit deceitful since when I'm with any of them, they are my focus and I act(and really am) very interested in them, but know that they are not the only one. I have not had any exclusivity talks, but a couple of them I can tell for certain, I'm the only person they're seeing, while another I am sure has to be seeing other people too. I don't really know what I expect from this, or even what I want really, though I know I just want to be happy. I've stopped initiating contact with new people, but they haven't stopped initiating with me. I just don't really know what to do..do I keep going with new girls or do I try to start something serious with one of these women. Can something serious come from one of these relationships that started based almost solely on sex? My friends have always told me that I appear to have an intimidating demeanor(not the case at all once you get to know me), so I've never really felt desirable because people were afraid to approach me. I joined the site to see how desirable I am, and I've been flooded with responses and women initiating contact. I want to know if this is a good gauge of what women I meet in my everyday life think of me as well? I realize I'm kind of all over the place with this, but all thoughts, opinions, and advice welcomed and appreciated.
b52s Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Go to the Dating sites Terms of service, you'll find it all there.
lucy9216 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Well.... in any of the 6 girls you met do you find any great personal qualities in them? if so pick one and try to pursue her if not then keep using the site and get to know the next one first before sleeping with her. I actually met someone on a dating site recently that I posted about who slept with me then when distant afterwards, I think he was talking to more girls than just me. I was kinda bummed about the whole thing because I felt very used, so even though this may not be your intention? don't do to these girls what this guy did to me and it sounds like you might be. Just try to get to know them...
Author BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Lucy, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. They're all good girls(one I can tell is a real slut, but still really nice, smart, cool), and have something great about them. I don't want to hurt anyone, and it doesn't seem like I am or have yet. But like I said, sometimes I just feel like it's deceitful, even though we aren't exclusive. I do talk to each as if they are the only one, but what else am I supposed to do? I haven't found one that I HAVE to be with, so I'm thinking just keep it casual and if I think someone is catching real feelings then talk it out with them. Should I be honest about the number of people I'm seeing, if one of them asks?
Ingenue Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I would suggest being truthful with the girls that you are seeing. If you haven't dated them long enough to be exclusive, be honest about it with them. Sit them down and tell them where you're coming from so that they don't develop unrealistic expectations from the relationship. If you're not ready for a LTR, state that in your profile. I think honesty is key here
pandagirl Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Lucy, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. They're all good girls(one I can tell is a real slut, but still really nice, smart, cool), and have something great about them. I don't want to hurt anyone, and it doesn't seem like I am or have yet. But like I said, sometimes I just feel like it's deceitful, even though we aren't exclusive. I do talk to each as if they are the only one, but what else am I supposed to do? I haven't found one that I HAVE to be with, so I'm thinking just keep it casual and if I think someone is catching real feelings then talk it out with them. Should I be honest about the number of people I'm seeing, if one of them asks? How long have you been dating all of them? If it is the beginning phase, 2-4, I wouldn't stress too much. However 5-10 dates into seeing each girl, I think you need to tell them you are seeing other people, ESPECIALLY since you are sleeping with most of them. Having been on the other end of this situation, it does hurt when you find out and I did end up feeling used.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Geez man, you need to keep it in. Are you looking for a long term relationship? I am currently getting to know 5 girls right now, but I would never make a sexual move or anything until I was pretty sure I would take this one girl over the other 4. It just makes you seem like a douche. I mean think about it. + Advance with girl number 1 because you like her, she responds right away, advance with girl number 2 she responds right away, advance with girl number 3 she doesn't respond as well. You are then left with going with the person that responds to your sexual advances rather than really figuring out who's good for you. The others are just backup plans... doesn't that make you feel bad? I hope so. Cuz it is making me feel bad, i'm going to date more girls now.
Author BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Pandagirl, did you tell the guy your intentions first or did you assume exclusivity? How did you find out what was really going on?
Author BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Pizzaman, I haven't even been as agressive as I am with girls I've dated, that I met from everyday life. At this point, the sexual part of these dates just feels implied, I really just talk and laugh with them and I pretty much get pounced on, for lack of a better analogy. I don't mean to make it sound cheap, because I've genuinely enjoyed spending time with all of them, regardless of sex. One of the things I really want help figuring out is what attracts them to me. I really don't see how I'm being a douche; I have no malicious intentions whatsoever, and would not discount a girl I liked, for refusing a quick advance. Only one of them seems like she could just be in it for sex, but the others have moved quickly too. Ugghhh, it's frustrating, and it doesn't even seem like something someone should be complaining about.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Ok I must agree that the dynamics of online dating is very different. There are more changes you will get dates online than in real life, you can "approach and strike a conversation" easier online. Thus you will be getting a lot more replies and such. Well... maybe you should just have fun. As long as you know what your long term goal is... Ideally, I think the girls would not like it if you were banging the other ones at the same time. But they don't have to know. It's more of a moral thing for you I guess. If you think it's ok then go for it, just be smooth and don't let the others know. For me, I think it's kinda messed up but that's me
Ingenue Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Well... maybe you should just have fun. As long as you know what your long term goal is... There's nothing wrong with having fun, as long as you're honest about it. I may be one of the few that thinks honesty is important in BackUpOrGetStung's situation. In the long run, it'll save heartbreak from some of the women because if BackUpOrGetStung wants a more casual relationship or wants a LTR but just hasn't decided, the last thing he should be doing is leading women on. It's better to be upfront about your expectations in any relationship so that the other party can make the decision to not give her heart or herself, if that's not what she wants. I signed up on a dating website too, BackUpOrGetStung. I was dating a few men at the same time. I was completely honest with them that I was looking for an LTR but was dating others to assess compatibility. I told them I wanted them to know this so that there weren't any unrealistic expectations. They were absolutely fine with that. Even the guy that I was most attracted to and had had 10 dates with, I told. He appreciated my honesty, though he did express some reservations. But I respected him enough to inform him of the situation. While it was difficult to break it off with the other guys, they understood that sometimes it is about compatibility. In the end, I realized that I clicked the most with the 10 date guy and later this month, we'll be celebrating one year together. It just genuinely sounds like you're confused and don't quite know what you want. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we need time to process and figure out where we're going. But maybe if the women you're seeing also knew that you're confused, in the end you might not end up hurting them as much as you would if you didn't tell them.
pandagirl Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Pandagirl, did you tell the guy your intentions first or did you assume exclusivity? How did you find out what was really going on? I didn't assume we were exclusive at all. TECHNICALLY, he didn't do anything "wrong," except lead me to believe he really liked me, sending me gifts, calling me all the time, etc. I'm not an idiot and I can read people well, it seemed like he really liked me. However, there was a point where I felt something was off, and that's when I brought it up asking him if he was seeing someone else. It was clear he was caught off guard, but told me the truth. He never had any intention from the very start of becoming my boyfriend and made it clear he didn't want a monogamous or committed relationship with anyone. Though we only dated two months, I really wish he would've stated that early on in our dating, instead of somewhat leading me on. It left a bad taste in my mouth still to this day.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Well jeez you should narrow it down a little...are you still sleeping with all 4 of them? You must be a busy guy! Generally speaking I pretty much assume that nothing is exclusive unless otherwise noted when dating...especially online. When I was on a site a year or so ago, I started dating current BF and another guy around the same time and dated both simultaneously for about a month. I was intimate with both and though we never had any exclusivity talks or "taking it to the next level" discussions, the guy I broke it off with seemed blindsided and hurt when I revealed that I had been seeing someone else. I learned my lesson there and hopefully you can learn from it too...even if you haven't had the "talk" some people have expectations. If it's been two months some of the girls you're seeing might start thinking that you are getting serious, and may be hurt when they find out you've been sleeping with others this whole time.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Well jeez you should narrow it down a little...are you still sleeping with all 4 of them? You must be a busy guy! Generally speaking I pretty much assume that nothing is exclusive unless otherwise noted when dating...especially online. When I was on a site a year or so ago, I started dating current BF and another guy around the same time and dated both simultaneously for about a month. I was intimate with both and though we never had any exclusivity talks or "taking it to the next level" discussions, the guy I broke it off with seemed blindsided and hurt when I revealed that I had been seeing someone else. I learned my lesson there and hopefully you can learn from it too...even if you haven't had the "talk" some people have expectations. If it's been two months some of the girls you're seeing might start thinking that you are getting serious, and may be hurt when they find out you've been sleeping with others this whole time. I think the general rule is that people you meet on the internet are real people too. There are no secret fight club rule where it says if it's online dating it's ok to sleep around and they don't care. Just because you two met on the internet doesn't mean you have to treat each other any less or more... it's a normal relationship. To me, I wouldn't sleep around and deceive others. You are an adult.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I think the general rule is that people you meet on the internet are real people too. There are no secret fight club rule where it says if it's online dating it's ok to sleep around and they don't care. Just because you two met on the internet doesn't mean you have to treat each other any less or more... it's a normal relationship. To me, I wouldn't sleep around and deceive others. You are an adult. I agree, however I don't view it as "deceiving others" when there has been no relationship talk, no speaking of exclusivity, no calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend...we even still had our status set to "single" on the website we met on. I don't think that's deception...that's just dating in the 21st century...but I do acknowledge that people get attached and everyone is different and so sometimes it's best to have that talk earlier rather than later.
dreamergrl Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I think if you are sleeping with 4 of them, they have a right to know they aren't the only one you are screwing. They may want to know to reduce the risks that come with it.
Author BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I use condoms with them all. I really don't know how to bring it up, or want to, for that matter. I don't know what I want, or with who either. I wasn't even expecting to get a response from anyone, let alone have them beating my door down. It's frustrating.
Ody Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I really don't know how to bring it up, or want to, for that matter. I don't know what I want, or with who either. I wasn't even expecting to get a response from anyone, let alone have them beating my door down. It's frustrating. LOL. This is a problem most guys with an online profile would love to have. I think you are worrying about it too much. Good move with the condoms. I think what you are doing is fine. If you are meeting that many women that quickly, I think eventually one will come along who stands out, and if you're looking for something more serious (as it sounds like) then your problem will be solved.
dreamergrl Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I use condoms with them all. I really don't know how to bring it up, or want to, for that matter. I don't know what I want, or with who either. I wasn't even expecting to get a response from anyone, let alone have them beating my door down. It's frustrating. Condoms are not effective with all STDs. Read up on HSV and HPV
someotherguy Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Condoms are not effective with all STDs. Read up on HSV and HPV This is important. You need to inform these women of the risks you are sharing with them. Condoms are in no way 100% effective as STD prevention, and are not helpful at all when it comes to HPV. My ex-wife may have exposed me to at least one strain of HPV when she was unfaithful, unfortunately, there are no tests for men. You can't even know if you are a carrier, only the lucky women you may be spreading these viruses to will ever know, when they start getting warts on their genitalia, or cancer on their cervix, thanks to you. So please, if you have any respect at all for other human beings, let these women make an informed decision as to whether they want to be exposed to the other women you are having sex with. This is precisely why HPV is so goddamn common now.
Ody Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 This is important. You need to inform these women of the risks you are sharing with them. Condoms are in no way 100% effective as STD prevention, and are not helpful at all when it comes to HPV. My ex-wife may have exposed me to at least one strain of HPV when she was unfaithful, unfortunately, there are no tests for men. You can't even know if you are a carrier, only the lucky women you may be spreading these viruses to will ever know, when they start getting warts on their genitalia, or cancer on their cervix, thanks to you. So please, if you have any respect at all for other human beings, let these women make an informed decision as to whether they want to be exposed to the other women you are having sex with. This is precisely why HPV is so goddamn common now. Oh god, what horses**t. HPV is common because the virus is highly contagious. Not because of people's morality. It's so easily passed in fact, that behavioral choices are unlikely to make a large difference in the overall rate of infection in society. Also condoms are in fact helpful with HPV, but certainly not completely effective. Somewhere between riding bareback and abstaining. So in that you are simply wrong. This is really backward thinking dressed up as forward thinking. If you strip away the quasi science you have a promise ring mentality. It's one of those oh so attractive on the surface points of view that make it look as if this is a problem that can be solved through proselytizing. Moralizing this particular disease (or any really) just makes the 80% or so of the population into victims or villians. It's always good to be informed but I really think some of the debate around HPV is so unhealthy, emotionally for people. Best to deal with it calmly, medically.
someotherguy Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 Oh god, what horses**t. ... Best to deal with it calmly, medically. How about he acts like a mature man and informs his sexual partners of his moral choices, rather than forcing his morality on them? Then they can make a scientific decision about the level of risk they are willing to accept. A lie of omission is still a lie, and that has absolutely nothing to do with morality. Calling it backward thinking to encourage people to be honest with their sexual partners is ridiculous, and insulting. HPV is passed through any physical contact at all, not just penis inserted into vagina contact, which is why I said condoms are not effective. How many people have sex with someone while managing to not touch any part of their body to their partner's external genitalia? No touching, rubbing, or oral at all, I guess, you just dive right in? No wonder women think foreplay is a lost art.
Author BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions on how to bring this up.
someotherguy Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I think you probably already know how most of the conversations will go... You: "I think you're great, and I'd like to keep dating you, but you should know I'm also sleeping with several other women..." Them: *Sound of slamming car door, screeching tires, and then silence as they never want to talk to you again* And you'll be left with the one that thinks it's cool to sleep with a bunch of people at the same time for awhile without telling any of them, which is cool, you're both on the same page. All kidding aside, no, this will not be an easy topic of conversation to bring up, and no, they will probably not be happy, just be prepared for that. Or, you can pick the one you think has the most potential, break it off with the rest, and pretty much negate the entire situation. Most women seem to enjoy the idea of sexual monogamy.
Author BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I guess I really just need to figure out what I want right now.
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