b52s Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 There's this woman I be-friended from a gathering of friends for an event for a game night get together. She was new to the area, and when I emailed her, we started talking back and forth, she had pretty lengthy emails and we got to know ALOT about each other. Then I found out she's living with a guy (*sigh*) she has a boyfriend. Bleh. lol She's new to the area, so I just assumed she was unattached, because I know MOST "Dating" couples, once one of them relocated...or moves...the relationship goes "bye-bye" and I was kinda surprised it didn't go byebye....she's unemployed and HE is, so that might have something to do with it. She told me that she's been with him longer than most people have been married. Then I asked, "Oh, cool...so how come you guys haven't tied the knot yet?" Then the emails stopped, and I was hoping I didn't offend her. I sent an email a week later, after Thanksgiving holidays, and asked her how her holidays were...but still no response. Ever came across a touchy subject like that? But inadvertently didn't mean to offend anyone? I guess single guys ask questions like that when they're kinda interested in a woman. She comes to events without her boyfriend, so I figured she might be "looking elsewhere"....but I could be wrong...because I've know relationships to tend to fizzle with that pattern.
Art_Critic Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Then I asked, "Oh, cool...so how come you guys haven't tied the knot yet?" While you may have not meant it she took it as a come on.. you are trying to put a wedge in between her and her BF.. Classic Style... and yes..I have offended by not realizing the land mine I was stepping in.. In those cases you just have to walk away. you can't control how your words were taken. You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it.
Author b52s Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 While you may have not meant it she took it as a come on.. you are trying to put a wedge in between her and her BF.. Classic Style... and yes..I have offended by not realizing the land mine I was stepping in.. In those cases you just have to walk away. you can't control how your words were taken. You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it. Good quote...I had a friend also tell me, "The more you try to say/fix something, it stands to reason the worse it will make it" So you just don't say anything, right? lol
Author b52s Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I also think guys (I'm guilty of this as well) try to "feel out" the woman's current relationship. Like with this one, she comes to events alone....has long email conversations with me. Men will start asking questions like that, sometimes taking a risk as to how she'll respond. I asked her if she ever got that "itch" after being with the same guy for so long. Yikes....not sure if that was a good move (duh). Because, right now...I know a couple of people that are getting quite "Frisky" with each other AT these events (like bowling night) but she never invites the boyfriend along...but she's taken a liking to a guy that GOES to the events. When people say, "Hey, looks like you and so and so are hitting it off" they are very evasive....because she's in a serious relationship.
New Again Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Art Critic pretty much summed it up. But also, on a side note, a couple years ago I met a girl in class. We got to talking (and are now good friends)...she mentioned that she and her bf had been dating for like 10 years or a crazy long time like that...and I didn't ask her why they weren't married yet, or if they were planning on it. It didn't even occur to me to ask. She later told me how much she appreciated that I didn't comment on that, because apparently everyone she meets does, and she hates it. Just FYI, BTW for future reference. And I can totally see why that question is rude, even if it's not intended that way.
Author b52s Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Art Critic pretty much summed it up. But also, on a side note, a couple years ago I met a girl in class. We got to talking (and are now good friends)...she mentioned that she and her bf had been dating for like 10 years or a crazy long time like that...and I didn't ask her why they weren't married yet, or if they were planning on it. It didn't even occur to me to ask. She later told me how much she appreciated that I didn't comment on that, because apparently everyone she meets does, and she hates it. Just FYI, BTW for future reference. And I can totally see why that question is rude, even if it's not intended that way. yeah, we got to talking back and forth for a while...figured I knew her well enough to ask...guess I got too comfortable.lol I guess "life partners" don't like being asked that question, but she seemed pretty open minded...not sure if I crossed any lines. Plus I tend to pen up more through email than face to face. I think if she didn't say, "We have been together longer than married couples have been married" I woudln't have asked
New Again Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I think if she didn't say, "We have been together longer than married couples have been married" I woudln't have asked Well, obviously I'm not privy to your dynamic and all your conversations...but if I only read that one sentence - reading between the lines I sense defensiveness, and maybe judgment. Like, see, we're not married and our relationship is so much better than most people who are dumb enough to do that...so there! But...we see things not as they are, but as we are.
threebyfate Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Well, obviously I'm not privy to your dynamic and all your conversations...but if I only read that one sentence - reading between the lines I sense defensiveness, and maybe judgment. Like, see, we're not married and our relationship is so much better than most people who are dumb enough to do that...so there! But...we see things not as they are, but as we are. I also see the defensiveness in that comment but the judgement portion, I see a little differently. I think she's almost complaining about it, hence why she took so long to reveal her relationship status to b52 and then, blew him off when he asked about the marital issue.
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