Disclosure

[dreamergrl]

If a guy said on the first date that his wedding date was six weeks ago, how do you think you would react?

 

But it really depends. Just because he was to be married six weeks ago, that doesn't mean how long they've been broken up for.

[Star Gazer]

If a guy said on the first date that his wedding date was six weeks ago, how do you think you would react?

 

Not well. And if I learned 5 months in for the first time that he was supposed to be married 6 weeks prior to our first date, I'd break up with him.

[Ody]

But it really depends. Just because he was to be married six weeks ago, that doesn't mean how long they've been broken up for.

 

SG specifically mentioned the six weeks ago thing, so I'm kind of assuming it's a recent thing, I really have no idea though.

 

When a woman brings up an ex really early on with me, it usually seems to be that they are trying to make sure I am not like their ex in some way. As in they have some very specific idea what was wrong with their previous relationship and are checking up to make sure I won't have that same trait. Bleh. It usually makes me think baggage.

 

There just seems to be so many more fun things to do on a first date. If it's not fun up front, I don't think it's going anywhere.

 

Now, sure it can be great to have one of those hilarious conversations of silly, light hearted ex stories or whatever on date one. But I don't think that's what the OP has in mind.

[Ody]

Not well. And if I learned 5 months in for the first time that he was supposed to be married 6 weeks prior to our first date, I'd break up with him.

 

Exactly.

 

Why should OP even bother going on the date if he's obligated to make some kind of confessional that will probably be poorly recieved?

 

Is he supposed to stay home and mope for some period of time until it's been long enough to have a date, lest his date disapprove of his recent breakup? Kind of like being in the penalty box?

[dreamergrl]

Obviously the wedding date is going to be more recent then the actual break up.

 

If one breaks up 6 months prior the wedding date, that is enough healing time for many people. It depends on the situation.

[Star Gazer]

Ody, IME you can discuss your relationship history without actually discussing ex's.

 

It could be as simple as something like, say, during a discussion about favorite vacation spots, one could slip in, "Oh yeah, Hawaii...I love Hawaii. I almost got married there."

 

Their response: "You were engaged?"

 

Your response: "Yup, but lucky for you *wink, wink* that didn't work out. So, where are you itching to go on your next vacation?"

 

It doesn't have to be all serious.

[Star Gazer]

I disagree about six months being enough time to heal after a broken engagement. An engagement is tantamount to marriage. In saying yes, or proposing, one has agreed and promised to marry the other.

 

A good friend of mine just called off his wedding, and I can guarantee you that six months is not going to be enough healing time for him.

[dreamergrl]

Exactly.

 

Why should OP even bother going on the date if he's obligated to make some kind of confessional that will probably be poorly recieved?

 

Is he supposed to stay home and mope for some period of time until it's been long enough to have a date, lest his date disapprove of his recent breakup? Kind of like being in the penalty box?

 

I don't think he's obligated to not date. I just think if he's still reeling on his break up, he should take some time.

 

However, with that said, just because the wedding date was 6 weeks ago, doesn't mean he's not over it. It depends on the break up. Not everyone breaks up at the alter.

[Ody]

Ody, IME you can discuss your relationship history without actually discussing ex's.

 

It could be as simple as something like, say, during a discussion about favorite vacation spots, one could slip in, "Oh yeah, Hawaii...I love Hawaii. I almost got married there."

 

Their response: "You were engaged?"

 

Your response: "Yup, but lucky for you *wink, wink* that didn't work out. So, where are you itching to go on your next vacation?"

 

It doesn't have to be all serious.

 

LOL I was actually in the process of writing a possible scenario that's a good way to disclose, much like this one, except instead of using Hawaii as the device it was going to be Rambo. I think yours is better. It is a very smooth way of putting it out there. Heh, you have a good alternate career as a wingwoman, providing pickup lines for guys to try to score with chicks who really want to get married.

 

OP if you can be that smooth about it and have these pangs of conscience, go ahead and disclose, but I'm still not sold on as early as date one. Maybe after there's some serious body language or something. Prior to that you are still doing basic feeling out at that point. Why clutter the horizon if you haven't even figured out if you are compatible?

 

If you're on the date and not feeling like it could go anywhere, don't bring it up, will just make it more awkward.

 

@Dreamergrl, you originally gave the same advice as me to not disclose, except earlier than I did! The penalty box thing was @ SG saying to disclose on date one to a likely poor response, not what we were talking about earlier.

[Ody]

If one breaks up 6 months prior the wedding date, that is enough healing time for many people. It depends on the situation.

 

I disagree about six months being enough time to heal after a broken engagement.

[...]

I can guarantee you that six months is not going to be enough healing time for him.

 

LOL what a moving target! Dusty will have to inquire which school of healing his dates ascribe to. The original topic was how long Dusty should wait before disclosing, and the only concrete suggestion in the thread was one date. I figure possible considerations at that point are:

 

- Is that my date's body odor, or the barista's?

- Can I stay awake long enough to make a graceful exit?

- What was his name again?

 

Little did I know I was missing a big consideration, which is how long your date will feel you need to wait to heal after a broken engagement before you are acceptable to go out for a coffee with!

 

Do yourself a favor OP and wait for it to come up naturally. At the very least feel out your date for a couple meetings before you start dropping really really personal info. I bet if she's really curious about such things there will be at least a cue if not an outright question. Something like what SG posted, but with a little cue before.

Edited December 3, 2009 by Ody

[Star Gazer]

Exactly.

 

Why should OP even bother going on the date if he's obligated to make some kind of confessional that will probably be poorly received?

 

It'll be poorly received depending on the circumstances, like I said.

 

Was he recently engaged? Or 10 years ago? I said "not well" given the facts as the OP presented them. If the facts are as OP presented them (a recent end to the engagement), then they'd be a deal breaker for me, regardless if disclosed on date 1 or date 15. There are a handful of dealbreakers like that for me, and if I felt like that information was intentionally hidden from me when there were plenty of opportunities to disclose it, I'd be somewhat angry.

[Ody]

It'll be poorly received depending on the circumstances, like I said.

 

Was he recently engaged? Or 10 years ago? I said "not well" given the facts as the OP presented them. If the facts are as OP presented them (a recent end to the engagement), then they'd be a deal breaker for me, regardless if disclosed on date 1 or date 15. There are a handful of dealbreakers like that for me, and if I felt like that information was intentionally hidden from me when there were plenty of opportunities to disclose it, I'd be somewhat angry.

 

Yep. Makes perfect sense that they are a dealbreaker for you. I wouldn't be happy to hear them on a date either. But I'm trying to help the OP, not his date. If she had posted instead, I'd probably suggest a cue she could drop to get this information out of a reticent Dusty.

 

I think the worst thing would be for him to worry about if his date will be OK with this. What a painful burden on getting over things, wondering if you're healed (read "good") enough yet for someone else.

[Star Gazer]

But I'm trying to help the OP, not his date.

 

But in helping her, you're helping him find the right fit. Would you prefer he withhold the information in the hopes that she's not someone who it would be a dealbreaker for? Because what if she is someone it would be a dealbreaker for, and a number of dates/weeks/months in, when he's really digging her, she finds out and flips out and dumps him for being deceptive? What then? How does that help him? Wouldn't it behoove him to date someone who doesn't find his "baggage" (his baggage, or anyone else's baggage, in whatever form) isn't a dealbreaker? Shouldn't he date someone who he doesn't have to hide his true self/history/experiences from?

 

I strongly believe in the phrase, "Better to find out now then later..."

[dreamergrl]

If he is/can be over it.. put it behind him.. then there is no reason to disclose. We have pasts. We all do. It's just about if we are over it.

[Ody]

But in helping her, you're helping him find the right fit. Would you prefer he withhold the information in the hopes that she's not someone who it would be a dealbreaker for? Because what if she is someone it would be a dealbreaker for, and a number of dates/weeks/months in, when he's really digging her, she finds out and flips out and dumps him for being deceptive? What then? How does that help him? Wouldn't it behoove him to date someone who doesn't find his "baggage" (his baggage, or anyone else's baggage, in whatever form) isn't a dealbreaker? Shouldn't he date someone who he doesn't have to hide his true self/history/experiences from?

 

I strongly believe in the phrase, "Better to find out now then later..."

 

I'm thinking coffee dates, confidence building, getting out there, avoiding opportunity to mope. I'm not considering that he's going to miss out on someone special due to not fessing up up front at all, really.

 

Finding out a bit later isn't a deal breaker for everyone, but yes there is that chance that:

 

what if she is someone it would be a dealbreaker for, and a number of dates/weeks/months in, when he's really digging her, she finds out and flips out and dumps him for being deceptive?

 

Personally I'd rather date someone awesome for a few months than not at all. The idea of getting dumped doesn't bother me much though. Don't know about the OP, but think he has more basic things to consider.

[Boundary Problem]

I remember dating someone a long time ago.

 

And it was a hurtful shock into the dating process when I realized he had been previously engaged to someone (he was still in contact with).

 

I sort of felt like he should have warned me, because I used to talk to her (the former fiance).

 

I had known that they had dated seriously, but hadn't realized they had been engaged.

 

So basically ask yourself at what point would you rather your date/gf found out from you, rather than someone else.

 

I deep-sixed him. I felt that he should have guarded my feelings more carefully. To this day he can't figure out why I wouldn't settle down with him. He just didn't protect me, is what it came down to.

[Ody]

I had known that they had dated seriously, but hadn't realized they had been engaged.

 

Did you know by talking to him about it? I could see how if this was something that you guys specifically discussed, and he somehow left out this fact, it'd be pretty upsetting.

 

How long were you guys going out?

[Star Gazer]

I'm thinking coffee dates, confidence building, getting out there, avoiding opportunity to mope.

 

If it's that casual, why not disclose? What's the harm?

 

Personally I'd rather date someone awesome for a few months than not at all.

 

So would I, but an awesome person is open and honest about who and where they come from...right?

 

There are always TWO people in every relationship, and we should not be so selfish as to keep everything to ourselves just because it's not an issue for US. So why one's own status might not bother them (they might think they're "over" a situation/relationship), it might bother the other person.

[Boundary Problem]

Did you know by talking to him about it? I could see how if this was something that you guys specifically discussed, and he somehow left out this fact, it'd be pretty upsetting.

 

How long were you guys going out?

 

I can't remember. It was a long time ago. It was a friends for quite a while before started dating sort of things.

 

 

We had a specific conversation about her and he just kept quiet. And I didn't know to ask.

[Ody]

If it's that casual, why not disclose? What's the harm?

 

Well the harm is that he's out on a date with Star Gazer, and doesn't get a second. Or his date finds talking about exes on the first date more awkward than recent breakups. Or it just causes an awkward moment in a first impression because not everyone's quite as smooth as you!

 

I think there should be a "no talking about exes on the first date rule" the same way there's that "no sex on the first date" rule.

 

 

So would I, but an awesome person is open and honest about who and where they come from...right?

 

Sure, feeling obligated to talk about a recent breakup on date number one does not equate with open and honest to me.

 

Please keep in mind that neither I nor anyone advocated lying about it, or avoiding talking about it if the subject naturally comes up. Just that the OP doesn't need to actively bring it up early on.

 

An awesome date would also inquire about subjects that are that important to them, giving someone a chance to reveal, rather than assuming the OP just knows this is a critical subject requiring full and immediate disclosure. Since in that case he's not going to lie, I don't see what the big problem is.

 

And I can't see getting too serious with someone without this kind of stuff coming up naturally. So I don't think there's this big danger of a huge skeleton in the closet lingering in secret until months into things.

 

Yeah sure, if they are talking about marriage on date 5, and he doesn't mention that, not so cool.

 

But I still recommend he just stick with joking about the Barista's body odor on date 1. People are placing this topic into contexts far deeper than what the OP seems to be in.

[Ody]

I can't remember. It was a long time ago. It was a friends for quite a while before started dating sort of things.

 

We had a specific conversation about her and he just kept quiet. And I didn't know to ask.

 

OK that makes a lot of sense. I don't think this is like the situations the OP seems to be in though.

[DustySaltus]

Guys and Gals, I really appreciate all of your input on this. I think it's important to know a few things about my situation:

 

-I was engaged from March until the beginning of July, the wedding was set for Oct 30th...in Israel.

 

-My EX is a BPD and tried to manipulate me into agreeing to live there the rest of my life. Things occured, she tried to get me fired from my job, wouldn't give me the ring back, threatened me, said she was dating another guy 3 weeks after I left (lie) but now is seeing someone for about 2 months (which was our last Contact, because I was still trying to get the ring). Everything that she did to me at the end should have put me down a path to a "speedier" recovery but instead I headed in the opposite direction.

 

-I'm not a guy that has a lot of one night stands and I'd like to think i'm a decent looking guy. So if I take a girl out and things go well and they want to go out again, expectations start to be built. Because certain women will say "I don't want to do anything before I'm in a relationship". This puts me in a tough spot because I'm not going to lie to them but at the same time if I say, "I'm not ready for a 'serious' relationship right now (i'm just trying to get my feet wet again)", the logical response will be "Why aren't you ready". That's the moment of truth....regardless of what date it is on. I've told some girls earlier than others...some never called me again and others have grown CLOSER to me, go figure.

 

-I think the 35% that I'm still not over in regards to my past engagement has to do with the fact that I am still not able to trust what someone says to me 100%. If a girl tells me she likes me too soon, I ask myself what her "angle" is. It's almost like post traumatic stress...the war is over but in my mind scenarios continue to play.

 

-I still can't look at a picture of my Ex without getting angry or emotional in some way. I think the day I am able to do that, I would be ok. But I can't just sit in my room for "X" amount of time and then say "ok, i'm ready to go". I have to get back out there.

 

-At the same time I want to continue to go out and have fun. Getting drunk and detaching myself from reality when meeting these girls and just going with the flow it NOT a good idea for me. I'm not trying to go down that path. But I am 28, if I don't enjoy life at this point..when will I?

 

 

I think that going forward if I like someone enough to see myself in a relationship with them I will find a way to tell them by the third date. I was thinking either the third or fifth date...but the sooner the better. Remember, the next relationship i'm in will be the first after my broken engagement, so that person will need to be patient and understand where I was coming from. I may want to take things slow, but I guarantee I won't be involved with them before i'm ready.

 

Again, thanks for all the input. I appreciate it.

Edited December 3, 2009 by DustySaltus