DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 On what date would you say it is the appropriate time to disclose the fact that in my last relationship I was engaged to be married? Obviously not on a first date, but if I begin to develop feelings for the girl I don't want to scare them off either. Geez, I should've been married 6 weeks ago...who would've thought:confused:
dreamergrl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 That's nothing. I've been engaged before... and I've never needed to "disclose it". It comes up whenever. If it comes up.
Ody Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Why would you bring that up? If she asks, tell the truth. No biggie.
Author DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Well, there are really two parts: a) whoever it is will be the first one after the breakup and may consider themselves a "rebound"...or someone who may be constantly compared to them. b) Even if it's three relationships removed (for example), maybe it could still make someone nervous..idk
Ody Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Well, there are really two parts: a) whoever it is will be the first one after the breakup and may consider themselves a "rebound"...or someone who may be constantly compared to them. b) Even if it's three relationships removed (for example), maybe it could still make someone nervous..idk This doesn't answer my question. Why would *you* just bring it up? Not "how might they feel"? Let me put it this way, if one day you just bring it up out of the blue, it's going to make her way more nervous than if one day she asks "have you ever been engaged" and you say "sure".
dreamergrl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Well, there are really two parts: a) whoever it is will be the first one after the breakup and may consider themselves a "rebound"...or someone who may be constantly compared to them. b) Even if it's three relationships removed (for example), maybe it could still make someone nervous..idk Are you over the engagement? If so, then there's no rebound. Why would it make someone nervous? I was my exfiance's second fiance. We broke up four months before the wedding. He managed to get married a few years later.
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Why would you bring that up? If she asks, tell the truth. No biggie. I agree with this. And also, I said this in another thread, about disclosing divorce - it's a failed relationship, so if/when she asks about past relationships, why they ended, etc., that is the most appropriate time to mention it, IMO.
JL911 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Man dusty i think im gonna tell ya to follow a bit of your own advice and focus on the now not the past. My last relationship I was so close to tying the knot as well...Man...I am glad that didnt happen...My current gf knows it was a long term deal and know I was close, but she doesnt know how close... Its old news...
Ruby Slippers Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Are you over that relationship? If so, I don't think it's a big deal. I wouldn't bring it up unless it comes up naturally. Also, are you clear with yourself on why you broke it off? If so, just communicate that if it does come up. I would find it much less of an issue to be in a relationship with a guy who broke off an engagement for the right reasons than to be with someone who married for the wrong reasons and divorced.
Author DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 All, I would NEVER just bring it up out of the blue but I feel like I'm "holding back" information for some reason. Am I "over" my EX, I would have to say I'm about 65% of the way there. I give people advice on here on what I SHOULD BE DOING. You're right JL, if I took my own advice, I wouldn't even have posted this...oh darn
dreamergrl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 All, I would NEVER just bring it up out of the blue but I feel like I'm "holding back" information for some reason. Am I "over" my EX, I would have to say I'm about 65% of the way there. I give people advice on here on what I SHOULD BE DOING. You're right JL, if I took my own advice, I wouldn't even have posted this...oh darn Give yourself more healing time.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Am I "over" my EX, I would have to say I'm about 65% of the way there. Then you're not ready. Wait until you are.
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 All, I would NEVER just bring it up out of the blue but I feel like I'm "holding back" information for some reason. I think you feel that way because it's still so fresh in your own mind, something you're still thinking about, and that is still a huge deal for you.
Ody Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 All, I would NEVER just bring it up out of the blue but I feel like I'm "holding back" information for some reason. That's the 35% talking. I give people advice on here on what I SHOULD BE DOING. You're right JL, if I took my own advice, I wouldn't even have posted this...oh darn It's not too late to follow your own advice! Give yourself more healing time. Then you're not ready. Wait until you are. He should wait/give time for what?
dreamergrl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 That's the 35% talking. It's not too late to follow your own advice! He should wait/give time for what? I think if he feels like she should be disclosing it, it's a bit too soon for dating. It's not a big deal to have been engaged. But it feels like that for him still. I know that feeling. I started dating too soon after it, and it was "My ex this and my ex that". Whether I said it or it popped in my head. Eventually it goes away, like any breakup.
Ody Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I think if he feels like she should be disclosing it, it's a bit too soon for dating. It's not a big deal to have been engaged. But it feels like that for him still. I know that feeling. I started dating too soon after it, and it was "My ex this and my ex that". Whether I said it or it popped in my head. Eventually it goes away, like any breakup. I'm a proponent of getting back in the saddle, but there's probably not one best approach that works for everyone. So I'll just respectfully disagree.
dreamergrl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I'm a proponent of getting back in the saddle, but there's probably not one best approach that works for everyone. So I'll just respectfully disagree. I can see this. Just cuz I'm curious... how do you think OP should deal with the need to explain his broken engagement?
Ody Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I can see this. Just cuz I'm curious... how do you think OP should deal with the need to explain his broken engagement? If she asks, tell the truth. Otherwise keep his mouth shut, at least for now and the next few months.
dreamergrl Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 If she asks, tell the truth. Otherwise keep his mouth shut, at least for now and the next few months. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is easier said then done
Ody Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is easier said then done Agreed. Worth working at, IMO.
Star Gazer Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 If she asks, tell the truth. Otherwise keep his mouth shut, at least for now and the next few months. Engagement is pretty serious, IMO, to the point I think it requires self-disclosure.
jerseyboy Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Id say something if you think it might go some where. Springing it on them months later is shady Waiting for them to ask you is shadier. As in what else do they have to ask you to get disclosure. I wouldnt make a big deal out of it, and the person is going to aks what happened. I dont think most people would care, but a lot of people would care if they think you are the type to hide important information.
Ody Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Engagement is pretty serious, IMO, to the point I think it requires self-disclosure. On which date then, to OP's original question?
Star Gazer Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 On which date then, to OP's original question? Depends on the circumstances. For example, for the OP (given that he would have been married just 6 weeks ago), if he were to ask me out I'd honestly like to know that on the very first date. I've had other guys tell me they had been engaged on the first, second, third, tenth, etc. The longer it took for them to tell me, the more....deceived, I felt. As more time passes, it's simply a part of the exploration process between two people. I don't think my BF should have had to ASK things to learn about me; I naturally share. You discuss your likes, and dislikes, and needs, and desires, and life plans, etc., and these things naturally come up.
Ody Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 For example, for the OP (given that he would have been married just 6 weeks ago), if he were to ask me out I'd honestly like to know that on the very first date. If a guy said on the first date that his wedding date was six weeks ago, how do you think you would react?
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