JL911 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 This has been a bit of an issue with me and I have attempted to address the situation calmly and look at it with open eyes... My GF and I have been together over 2 months. When we first met she was talking to a guy and hanging out with him from time to time, however it was not serious on either end she was very open with me about that. She told him she had met someone and can no longer see him... She said when we first started dating that she doesnt get this lucky and thinks im too good to be true...Last night just joking around and doing our normal talking and screwing around with one another I got the same exact phrase...."Im too good to be true.." She said, she hasnt ever had a guy who has wanted to keep her around for more than sex, or she has just got so annoyed that she couldnt stand him anymore. Does this mean Im different? Is she doubting my intentions? I told her I might be a lot of things but fake is not one of them...She somehow thinks that because things have been going so well that they are bound to go bad...Because thats just how it has been for her... Man, that phrase just eats at me...All the hardships and rough times when people have made me think I am just not good enough, and now this girl is saying I'm so good that I cant possibly be real... I guess I've been doing an OK job as a boyfriend, but apparently I'm so far off the map, that she cant comprehend that I feel and care for her in a normal manner when I have nothing but the best intentions for her and our relationship...I just dont know what I am to do next??...
jerseyboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Thats girls bro I wouldnt sweat it too much as to what it means. The problem is she does have big insecurities, and its going to be a pain in the azz dealing with them. I promise you, they never f'ing go away. So if youre sticking around thinkiing itll get better, good luck with that
Author JL911 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 So... you're dating a girl who sleeps around with no strings attached and says herself that she gets too annoyed with guys? And you're a self proclaimed average guy who says he's "just not good enough"? I think you're dating someone who is a crazy slut, there's nothing wrong with you. Not a crazy slut, shes hesitant to jump 100% emotionally to me out of the fear that im going to turn into some controlling needy jerk like she has had in the past (the guys she, "couldnt stand and got annoyed with")...
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 This has been a bit of an issue with me and I have attempted to address the situation calmly and look at it with open eyes... My GF and I have been together over 2 months. When we first met she was talking to a guy and hanging out with him from time to time, however it was not serious on either end she was very open with me about that. She told him she had met someone and can no longer see him... She said when we first started dating that she doesnt get this lucky and thinks im too good to be true...Last night just joking around and doing our normal talking and screwing around with one another I got the same exact phrase...."Im too good to be true.." She said, she hasnt ever had a guy who has wanted to keep her around for more than sex, or she has just got so annoyed that she couldnt stand him anymore. Does this mean Im different? Is she doubting my intentions? I told her I might be a lot of things but fake is not one of them...She somehow thinks that because things have been going so well that they are bound to go bad...Because thats just how it has been for her... Man, that phrase just eats at me...All the hardships and rough times when people have made me think I am just not good enough, and now this girl is saying I'm so good that I cant possibly be real... I guess I've been doing an OK job as a boyfriend, but apparently I'm so far off the map, that she cant comprehend that I feel and care for her in a normal manner when I have nothing but the best intentions for her and our relationship...I just dont know what I am to do next??... JL, sounds like you are dealing with someone who has been burned (maybe scorched) before. I would be worried that. Sounds like she could have a thing for bad boys. One of those women that feel weird when they are treated in a good manner. Think about it, the guys that she liked only "used her for sex" and the ones that she grew tired of "got annoying". The question you need to ask her is why they were "annoying". It could be because they were clingy or maybe because they treated her like a queen and she wasn't used to that or more importantly couldn't reciprocate that feelings over the long term. I don't know, it could be a lot of things...it's hard to dismiss a statement like this. After what you have been through in the past you have grown by leaps and bounds. You know what you want and you are staying true to yourself. In the end it's either good enough for her or it's not...just take things slow, withdraw just a little bit.
Author JL911 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 We have talked about her past. There are a few issues with old "good" friends who have gone against her and ruined friendships or only talked to her when they needed things...So maybe in a sense shes used to being taken advantage of... I dont think its a thing with bad boys...But I see your connection...I think maybe she thought their intentions were better than they were and was disappointed with the outcome...I think when she finally got to the point where she emotionally comitted to a guy they always changed or tried to control her... I know shes had a couple clingers who would call and almost demand her being around, needy, jealous guys who couldnt stand her doing anything without them. Im not that kinda guy... I dont know if shes EVER had a guy who did treat her properly. I dont treat her like a queen...We have a lot of fun together and I enjoy who she is as a person. She has been very good to me as well. Just I wish I could get over this little hump with her and have her realize that I am worth the risk of being burned, simply because I am risking the same thing she is... I think the major thing is shes seeing a lot of her friends getting married...She has been introducing me to all of her friends (seeking approval), and is taking me on a trip this week to meet her best friend multiple states away...I cannot see that as anything more than trying to find validation for the feelings she has for me... On top of that I think she has met a guy who she simply cannot figure out...Hes not taking advantage of me, isn't using me, or trying to control me... Why is there always a catch?!?
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 It's good to be mysterious to someone in the beginning. When women tend to "figure a guy out" they sometimes lose interest. Why does she needs her friends approval? I don't like some of my friends gf's but I keep it to myself as long as they are happy. Hate to be pessimistic myself, but that's not a good sign either. Why is she still communicating with this clingers or even entertaining their messages? Is she capable of sending the "angel of death" email that you had sent to your ex?
Author JL911 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) No No No...Shes not still communicating with them...Im saying at the time when she dated the they were clingy and needy and demanded her attention...Thats the ones she grew annoyed with... In turn I cant say much about the ex bfs or whatever...When we met I was also seeing/sleeping with someone and broke it off with her to persue this one.. The other guys apparently put on a good front to get what they wanted and once they did changed into a bunch of jerks who just used her and took advantage of her...Ahh college relationships.... Maybe shes not seeking approval as much as she is bragging she found a guy whose worth a ****... Edited December 2, 2009 by JL911
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I hope so, only time will tell. For me, around the six month mark is when pieces of the puzzle really start to come together.
Author JL911 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Its just tough...I think maybe part might be my fault for trying to push her maybe a little. Eventhough I dont realize I'm doing it. I think I do need to withdraw a little bit, but how can I do that without causing problems?>
espec10001 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 You'll start to treat her like **** after she gets annoying.
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Its just tough...I think maybe part might be my fault for trying to push her maybe a little. Eventhough I dont realize I'm doing it. I think I do need to withdraw a little bit, but how can I do that without causing problems?> Continue to act the same way but stop talking about the past or think about the future. Focus on the present.
Author JL911 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I can do that... How do I react then when things come up about our relationship...For instance when she says to me, You're too good to be true...how can I react to that in a way that doesnt get into a serious discussion about how much I care about her...
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Tell her that no one is without faults but you were smart enough to learn from previous mistakes.....wait, that may open up a whole other can of worms.... Just tell her that what she sees is what she's got. There's no hidden agenda and take things one day at a time. You don't expect her to let her guard down in a day, week or even month but over time she should understand that you have the best intentions...and leave it at that.
Author JL911 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I feel like I pushed too hard...I wish i could undo these mistakes...
DustySaltus Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 I think you're ok, just withdraw like I said. Don't talk about any heavy stuff for a few days, unless she initiates it. Focus on her, in the present and continue to be yourself.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Is she the first girl who's told you this or have you had former GFs/friends tell you the same thing? Perhaps you are a very confident guy, and people in general feel insecure around you. ...Maybe when she throws out that line of "you're too good to be true" you can simply say, "No, I'm just a good boyfriend."
deux ex machina Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) Tell her that no one is without faults but you were smart enough to learn from previous mistakes.....wait, that may open up a whole other can of worms.... Just tell her that what she sees is what she's got. There's no hidden agenda and take things one day at a time. You don't expect her to let her guard down in a day, week or even month but over time she should understand that you have the best intentions...and leave it at that. Exactly this. I can understand her feeling that way at first, considering her history, however I wouldn't go out of my way to prove anything beyond a certain point. You've reached that point. Over time you it can feel insulting - like she doesn't believe in you or appreciate what you do/have done in your relationship. If this becomes the case, let her know how it makes you feel. She might not even realize it. Communicate. Edited December 3, 2009 by deux ex machina
Author JL911 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Is she the first girl who's told you this or have you had former GFs/friends tell you the same thing? Perhaps you are a very confident guy, and people in general feel insecure around you. ...Maybe when she throws out that line of "you're too good to be true" you can simply say, "No, I'm just a good boyfriend." Honestly she is the first one I have ever seemed to not be able to make go head over heels for me...I think that makes me slightly clingy in a sense which is kinda out of my character...She challanges me, but I dont want to be a needy dork...lol Shes the first girl Ive got serious with since my break up of my long term gf and I think I might be just trying to find love too fast and push her into a place where I was confident and comfortable in my last relationship instead of letting things progress natrually and fun...Its like shooting myself in the foot since I do care about this girl deeply and would love to get to that point with her, but I realize I cant rush things and I need to slow myself down with all the talking and just show her I rule... I really need to stop and just have fun with this, and let her think I am too good to be true. Maybe to her I really am everything so wonderful that she cant wrap her mind around it. Im a generally confident and fun loving guy...I joke around a lot and use a lot of sarcasim with my ladies and they tend to dig on that...Given her history I think she just assumes that I will end up being a bust or a jerk in the long run...That bothers me...I dont like to have my character questioned...Or have someone assume something like that about me.. Its just been a different kind of relationship than what I am used to, thats not necessarily a bad thing and it has been keeping me on my toes, just after a certain point I wish she would realize shes found a decent guy worth staying with instead of assuming that I am too good to be true... Right now my game plan is to sit back a bit and let her kinda dictate where things go and how they are going to progress. I need to operate at her speed instead of mine. I think she is terrified of falling in love for the fear of the pain of a breakup. I dont have that fear as much since I have already survived and got over a breakup where I was in love once or twice...She has not, so I guess shes risking slightly more than me..
DustySaltus Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 You know JL, you have been about one step ahead of me during this process of getting ourselves back on our feet. I remember that powerful 'good riddance' email that you sent to your EX a few weeks ago and I did think to myself that you were probably REALLY into this new girl to write it. I don't know if I would call it a rebound per se, but maybe sometimes we feel like we need to pick up where we left off with our EX during happier times. Sometimes it feels like we are on a treadmill at 10 miles an hour (with our ex) and the new girl is just getting on the treadmill, not even warmed up and we want them to go 10 miles an hour too....I mean how would be expect them to react? So, she's had bad experiences in the past. I understand that. But we've all had them and it's all about how you bounce back. You've bounced back quite well, while she might not be all the way back yet. Everyone heals differently. But the most important thing to understand is that you cannot control her mind or what happened to her in the past. You can only control yourself. It's only been two months, once the honeymoon period ends (and it will, because it happens to everyone) that's when you'll see her true self and it will either be good enough for you or it won't. You are handling things the right way. Just let her take the lead for now...
Author JL911 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 Im just trying to keep my composure...I need to slow down my own mind a bit and quit overthinking what I need to be doing or saying. Sometimes you think a girl is just fishing for compliments and you cave and well its just not the right thing to do.. My actions are always going to speak volumes about who I am as a person I really need to learn to just shut my mouth and just worry about having fun and enjoying this girl for as long as it lasts...and fluffing it off if it does end...It could be forever, it could be another week, could be a year... Ya just hate to get involved with someone have such a high interest level in them and just push entirely too hard which is ultimately what I am scared of... I am an optimist for the most part in my life. I see a lot of good, I dont worry about money all that much, and I really dont care what the majority of people think of me or whatever...Im pretty content with who I am as a person, just her insecurity scares me thinking she could go bolting away from me at any second for no reason at all...I guess if that happens I'll just have to deal with it and accept it as her own stupidity..
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