tigressA Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I joined OKCupid a few days ago and since then have been in regular contact with four different guys who seem rather solid--intelligent, funny, and good-looking. I have tentative plans to eventually meet two of them. There's even one who happens to go to my school, though I don't remember ever seeing him since he's an engineering major and the school has a special building away from the main campus especially for them. Anyway, I should be having the time of my life with this, right? I'm not. Because in the midst of all this is still RG, who I met a month ago...we haven't spent a whole lot of time together lately; I didn't see him at all over Thanksgiving break last week because he wanted to spend time with his family--his brothers and cousins who he rarely gets to see, and I understood that completely. He does need to just reconnect with people. I did see him earlier today and it was great, as usual. And while he does have feelings for me, he's still far from sold on the idea of another relationship, and he could be feeling that way for awhile to come. This situation is very high risk/very high reward. Every time RG and I talk, every time we see each other, I fall a little more and it's harder for me to see any guy beyond him. The logical side of me is saying I shouldn't wait for him, that I should meet other guys. And what if when he is ready or even before, he ends up meeting someone else who he likes better even though he isn't making any effort to date around, and then I'm left totally brokenhearted? The romantic side of me is saying I should forego meeting other guys since my heart or mind isn't in it, that when he's ready I could end up with him particularly because he already does have feelings for me and he isn't making an effort to date around. I don't know what to do...
Author tigressA Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Figured you'd say that. I actually told RG that I didn't feel comfortable with trying to date around and that having things with him the way they are now feels the most "right" to me. He took it well. I know that this path may not be easy, but I feel that it will be better than forcing myself to go on a path that I'm already uncomfortable with.
kizik Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I hate to be an Obvious Oscar, but how about no guys for a while? Clear your head out.
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Dont talk to he othr guys if youre not going to give them a chance, thats selfish and unfair to them. Unless you tell them "Hey all, my mind is on another guy if you still want to give me a try..give it your best shot! See if you can make me forget about him!!" You can wait for RG if you want, but I doubt he likes you enough to want a relationship with you if he hasnt already. In fact, he might be doing to you what you want to do with those guys on OKCupid. He , as ytou said before, is still thinking of his ex. Edited December 2, 2009 by boogieboy
Author tigressA Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I made it rather clear on my profile that I'm looking for new friends and that I'm "not ready to date", and nothing that's passed between me and these guys has indicated that there's an interest beyond friendship, on either side. I'm not going to continue contact with them from here on out, however. As far as RG and his ex, they don't talk; she's with someone else and in another state, there's no chance of them getting back together. If you've read any of my other threads about our situation, it's clear that he's been completely honest and up-front with me the whole time we've known each other. He's a good guy.
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Figured you'd say that. I actually told RG that I didn't feel comfortable with trying to date around and that having things with him the way they are now feels the most "right" to me. He took it well. I know that this path may not be easy, but I feel that it will be better than forcing myself to go on a path that I'm already uncomfortable with. Well of course you have to do what's right for you. I know it's hard when you've got all the pheromones and stuff going on...but please just try to be smart about what you chose to do - enjoy it for what it is, but don't get so caught up in your emotions that you end up hurt because you didn't pay attention to any signs and didn't think about what was going on. I made it rather clear on my profile that I'm looking for new friends and that I'm "not ready to date", and nothing that's passed between me and these guys has indicated that there's an interest beyond friendship, on either side. I'm not going to continue contact with them from here on out, however. My general rule of thumb (of course there are exceptions) is guys are pretty much never just looking for friends...especially on a dating site...then they're looking for sex at a minimum...and guys will usually go along with the "friends" thing to try to hook you, or bide their time. If you think about it, that's what you're doing with RG, you're just being a little more upfront about it.
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 As far as RG and his ex, they don't talk; she's with someone else and in another state, there's no chance of them getting back together. If you've read any of my other threads about our situation, it's clear that he's been completely honest and up-front with me the whole time we've known each other. He's a good guy. I did read the other threads. Just because he will never see his ex again, doesnt mean hes really over her.
Author tigressA Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 My general rule of thumb (of course there are exceptions) is guys are pretty much never just looking for friends...especially on a dating site...then they're looking for sex at a minimum...and guys will usually go along with the "friends" thing to try to hook you, or bide their time. If you think about it, that's what you're doing with RG, you're just being a little more upfront about it. Yeah, that's true. I'm just deleting my profile altogether then, because even just being on there so far I have led people on and I feel bad about it. It definitely wasn't my intention; I thought I really wanted to try and meet other people but it turns out my heart just isn't in it at all. And boogieboy, of course I know that he's not really over his ex...yet. It's only been a month and they were together for more than 2 years. I'd be stupid to believe that he's completely moved on at this point. But he is clearly on the path to moving on, which is what's important. If he wasn't, then I wouldn't be bothering with him. I care about him, and I know he cares about me. Because of that, I want to wait.
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 And boogieboy, of course I know that he's not really over his ex...yet. It's only been a month and they were together for more than 2 years. I'd be stupid to believe that he's completely moved on at this point. But he is clearly on the path to moving on, which is what's important. If he wasn't, then I wouldn't be bothering with him. I care about him, and I know he cares about me. Because of that, I want to wait. What I wonder is, will he really be able to move on with you...while youre in the rebound zone? Thats basically what youre doing, im sure you know that. Its a gamble, I would say you should separate until he feels more ready, but I dont know if that would help him or not.
northstar1 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 IMO, you need to take time off dating and worrying about all of this. Enjoy hanging out with friends and the upcoming holidays. Refocus on finding a mate in the new year. Stop spending time with RG - all that is doing is making things more complicated. See him in Janaury.
Author tigressA Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 What I wonder is, will he really be able to move on with you...while youre in the rebound zone? Thats basically what youre doing, im sure you know that. Its a gamble, I would say you should separate until he feels more ready, but I dont know if that would help him or not. Yeah, see that's what I don't know either. I do know my place in all this, of course. I know the risks. And northstar, there are less than 3 weeks of classes left in the semester. After that, there's a month-long semester break, and if I go home which is about a 4-hr. drive away, I won't be seeing RG at all during that time.
boogieboy Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 After that, there's a month-long semester break, and if I go home which is about a 4-hr. drive away, I won't be seeing RG at all during that time. In that case, use that time to distance yourself a little bit and let him miss you. A month is a long time when you cant see someone. Slow down communications a little bit. I think he cant process getting over his ex while you are seeing each other. He should be able to miss you, and want to see you more when he cant. Maybe that will get him on your side and get his ex out of his mind. If it doesnt, damn...
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 tigress, a relationship doesn't define who you are. In other words, it's okay to not be involved with anyone. You're emotionally bouncing around worse than the rubberband men out there. Until you settle yourself down, imagine the mixed signals you're giving men. Take a break and get yourself together first. If you want to date casually, that's fine too, as long as the other person knows this and isn't looking for anything serious. Otherwise, all you're going to do is to rip someone else's heart out.
Author tigressA Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 tigress, a relationship doesn't define who you are. In other words, it's okay to not be involved with anyone. Yes, I know this. I just like this guy, so naturally I want to spend time with him and eventually date him. I started this thread because while I thought I was sure that I wanted to keep my options open, really recently I'd been having doubts about that, and this has helped me to realize that no, it's not what I want to do, so I'm not going any further down that road. Furthermore I realized that what I was intending to do would be wrong since I'd be leading people on and I don't want to hurt anyone. I did have a creepy episode with one of the OKCupid guys that led me to start having doubts about dating around--it was our second day of online conversation and he was already talking about meeting, having a relationship, etc, that he felt "strongly" about me. I was incredibly turned-off, told him so and blocked him. I deleted my profile altogether last night. I haven't been all about RG; I fit him in when I can, which is usually here and there after our class. I've hardly seen him over the last two weeks what with Thanksgiving break and my workload, with the month-long break coming up I won't see him at all, and while it would be nice to get to see him I'm not down in the dumps over the fact that I won't be. I've gotten to spend a lot of time this semester with my friends and my housemates, I was in a major theatre production, I've got challenging classes--I've had and still do have quite a bit of time to invest in myself and my interests. Now with this break coming up I'll get more than my share of family time, which will be good...I hope. That's another story.
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