Ms. Joolie Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Can someone just date to enjoy the company of the opposite sex? Do you think this is a good attitude to have for someone re-entering the dating scene?
Boundary Problem Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Great way to practise chit-chat. Plus people are interesting. I keep getting new work and referrals from the people I date. Plus it forces you to update your wardrobe. Forget about outcome. Just enjoy yourself.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Great way to practise chit-chat. Plus people are interesting. I keep getting new work and referrals from the people I date. Plus it forces you to update your wardrobe. Forget about outcome. Just enjoy yourself. Good advice. Thank you. I find myself a little scared... or intimidated.... by dating again, but will have to make that plunge. Just trying to find the right mindset. You're right... I'll forget about outcome and just enjoy myself, enjoy the company.
Boundary Problem Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Don't be intimidated by them. They are just people. Try and figure out what they are lying about. If you can make it through 3 dates with the same person and they haven't lied once - consider it a miracle. I always like to hear their family history. I live in a country where there are lots of immigrants, so their family history back several generations is always interesting to me. Start with coffee dates. Once you are comfortable with that, then move to a restaurant date. Don't have them in your house, it changes the whole dynamic (you lose control).
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Don't be intimidated by them. They are just people. ...or men. lol I think I narrowed it down to feeling intimidated by the "get to know me" part. figures.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I used to do it all the time. It's fun! Just don't do anything that will hurt their feelings if you back out.
D-Lish Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 There is nothing wrong with dating for company and social enjoyment. I think it's a great esteem builder.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 ...or men. lol I think I narrowed it down to feeling intimidated by the "get to know me" part. figures. Yeah. I struggle with that. I make more of an effort to open up to people now. But it is an effort. But I wait until 1/2 way through a date to really start talking about myself, and even then I tend to let them monopolize the conversation - which they seem to love doing. And I get entertainment for an hour. They talk about themselves.... I remember one date asked me "What do you think you bring to a relationship"? I looked at him and I had no idea how to answer the question. Now months later he phones me daily asking my advice on stuff. Sometimes dating is artifical and if you don't put pressure on it, they get to know you and the stupid dating rules/tests can safely be left behind. Still waters run pretty deep, and it can be a chore having to let someone new in again. Just keep the conversation at surface level until you decide whether or not YOU like him.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 There is nothing wrong with dating for company and social enjoyment. I like that.... because as I open up again to dates I would hate to throw a line out like "but I'm not looking for anything serious." It just sounds tacky. But accepting dates for company and social enjoyment is the positive, and truer spin on it. whew. see how I am with myself? lol. I'm always tougher on myself than others. Thanks for your input..
D-Lish Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I like that.... because as I open up again to dates I would hate to throw a line out like "but I'm not looking for anything serious." It just sounds tacky. But accepting dates for company and social enjoyment is the positive, and truer spin on it. whew. see how I am with myself? lol. I'm always tougher on myself than others. Thanks for your input.. Don't be hard on yourself! Dating is just a social outing, a chance to meet people and essentially practice your social dating skills. There doesn't have to be expectations attached. At best, you might meet someone that interests you enough to see them again! When I started dating after my divorce, I approached it with a guilty conscience. It took me a while to get over that. You don't have to specify that you aren't looking for anything serious. If the right person came along, they'd negate your rule. Just approach this as a growing and learning experience. Good for you for taking the step, I look forward to hearing your dating stories!
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 When I started dating after my divorce, I approached it with a guilty conscience. It took me a while to get over that. Amazing you should say that.... that is how I feel. For over three years I've had my heart tied up to this one man, but now that's gone... even the feelings are gone. Yet I'm approaching dating as I did when we were on one of our off periods. Ugh...it was an on/off relationship, but my heart was always tied up. It's been so long since I've been truly single. I think I got more out of this thread than I bargained for. wow. Just realized my heart is free, and I really can bring the fun back into dating. lol. silly, i know. I love it! Thanks so much for your kind words.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 If the right person came along, they'd negate your rule. And this is soooo true. Absolutely the way I want to look at it. ...The reverse would be going out expecting every guy to be the right person! THAT would be a disaster.
D-Lish Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I can totally relate! I think all we really need sometimes is to hear someone else say "go for it, it's okay". It truly is okay to put yourself out there.
jerbear Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I have to say, I went on a date this past weekend and it was an real one. Not one of those lets hang out ones. This "date" took me almost 2 years to do. Sometimes you just have to go out and call it a date, do it, and get over the initial hump. Dating to just date while you are single, is a good thing.
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Can someone just date to enjoy the company of the opposite sex? Do you think this is a good attitude to have for someone re-entering the dating scene? Sure, why not? Nothing wrong with getting out there. And, the more you date the better idea you'll get of what you're looking for in a partner and in a relationship. And who knows, one of these "just because" dates might turn into something more
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Still waters run pretty deep, and it can be a chore having to let someone new in again. Just keep the conversation at surface level until you decide whether or not YOU like him. Missed this post earlier. Having to let someone new in again is a BIG deal for me. It's easy for me to keep the surface level talk with friends (or lovers..) but establishing that relationship with an SO is definitely more difficult. I just feel uncomfortable letting someone in that close.... or I have in the past. I really have to work at opening myself up on a deeper level, that's all that's about, I think. Just being myself, really, and not feeling like I need only surface level conversation.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Missed this post earlier. Having to let someone new in again is a BIG deal for me. It's easy for me to keep the surface level talk with friends (or lovers..) but establishing that relationship with an SO is definitely more difficult. I just feel uncomfortable letting someone in that close.... or I have in the past. I really have to work at opening myself up on a deeper level, that's all that's about, I think. Just being myself, really, and not feeling like I need only surface level conversation. My only warning is that once they are in on a deeper level, you can never get rid of them. Once someone knows you, they know you. It is a bond in my opinion that cannot be broken. It is a bond that can be ignored, but not broken. Chances are though on most dates this won't come up. Just keep it at surface level until you start talking to someone and they seem to understand some of the things you've gone through, and you will open up the portals naturally - so to speak (or type). And the communication will then become an avalance of all your thoughts within. But for the majority of people/dates - it will just be shooting the breeze so no need for communicate a great deal about yourself.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Sure, why not? Nothing wrong with getting out there. And, the more you date the better idea you'll get of what you're looking for in a partner and in a relationship. And who knows, one of these "just because" dates might turn into something more "Getting out there" is absolutely the next step. I've been very low key since my break up in September, but can't really live that way. lol. So far I've just been getting use to the idea of really being single and getting out there again.... I feel like such a different person now compared to who I was before that relationship that's over. So I'm really trying to get a hold of new, fresh perspectives when it comes to dating, relationships and sex. .... LS is so helpful.
HokeyPokey Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Isn't dating just for fun really the same as dating looking for a relationship? If the right person comes along, let's face it, we aren't going to pull the "I'm not ready yet" card. Once you start falling for someone it's practically impossible to pull out (barring extreme circumstances like distance, drugs, or other deal breakers). It's always just for kicks until suddenly you meet a special one.
New Again Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 "Getting out there" is absolutely the next step. I've been very low key since my break up in September, but can't really live that way. lol. So far I've just been getting use to the idea of really being single and getting out there again.... I feel like such a different person now compared to who I was before that relationship that's over. So I'm really trying to get a hold of new, fresh perspectives when it comes to dating, relationships and sex. .... LS is so helpful. When my last relationship ended it took me quite awhile to feel "single" again. Even though I was the one who ended it, and we weren't still hanging out or talking or anything...I took me months to shake the feeling that I was cheating or doing something wrong or shady when I talked to other guys or went on a date. That prevented me from really going out for awhile, which was fine, because I really did need to be single for awhile. So I can understand where you're coming from in that sense. What I ended up doing was just taking baby steps - rather than jumping right into dating (which is initially what I tried to do, then had a guilt attack), I started just going out with friends and socializing more and with people I wouldn't have talked to or made an effort to get to know if I'd been with my bf. Whether it was out at a bar, out to dinner with friends and flirting with the waiter a bit, making an effort to make small talk with different people in a class I was taking or at the gym.... Then when I was comfortable with that I was more open to dating, even though I wasn't specifically looking for a relationship.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 What I ended up doing was just taking baby steps - rather than jumping right into dating (which is initially what I tried to do, then had a guilt attack), I started just going out with friends and socializing more and with people I wouldn't have talked to or made an effort to get to know if I'd been with my bf. Whether it was out at a bar, out to dinner with friends and flirting with the waiter a bit, making an effort to make small talk with different people in a class I was taking or at the gym.... Yes, this is definitely my plan as well. I'm trying hard not to be impatient and just go back to my familiar pattern of nightlife. Really, I need to open up my world to new activities, new groups.... I really want to meet people who have my same interests, I want to socialize with those people, those groups. Baby steps is right.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Isn't dating just for fun really the same as dating looking for a relationship? If the right person comes along, let's face it, we aren't going to pull the "I'm not ready yet" card. Once you start falling for someone it's practically impossible to pull out (barring extreme circumstances like distance, drugs, or other deal breakers). It's always just for kicks until suddenly you meet a special one. Well I'm coming from a mentality of "I don't date." Sure I'd date for kicks, but then I'd put up the "I'm not ready yet" card. I'm all about going out and having fun. Then I ran into someone I fell in love with. He made me realize that I do want to share my life, hopefully, with someone one day. Or just open up more and share my life in general. It was a big lesson. So this time around, I'm really wanting to combine the fun with the relationship.
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