sarahanne Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I thought perhaps I was on my own - but I see some other posts out there, and I'd just like to air some stuff, as I cant work my way around this one. I have been seeing a guy for over a year. I am 40, he's 48. He was married for 22 years, and when his wife left him, soon afterwards he met a woman in her late 20s and they had a passionate rather tempestuous relationship. They were to buy a house together, and she wanted children, and she backed out at the last minute and left him. After that he was quite depressed, and I think he would have liked her back, however difficult she is. In comparison we have a close, affectionate, loving and also passionate relationship. But for me, I guess this is the first time I have loved someone so much and I feel very vulnerable. I keep wondering about the ex girlfriend, as he still has photos of her on his computer, and we do spend alot of the time in the house they were going to have children in. When we got together, I was in the process of splitting up with my boyfriend of 14 years, who I had stayed with for so long, because of a death in my family which had left me shattered. Since that death I feel that everything I do should be significant, have some real meaning. I think of his passionate all encompassing relationship, and I hate the idea that I am perhaps second best (he described our relationship as organic...). I suppose I want to be the one who means the most. But how do I deal with that in real life? He does love me, and tells me, and has asked me to move in with him. I am always looking for ulterior motives - that he is lonely, that it is better to be with me, than with no one etc etc. I think I have low self etseem. Any help or ideas?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I think you are overthinking the relationship. Just enjoy the good things and don't analyze so much. What he had with the 20-something woman is totally different than what he has with you, and that's a good thing. Obviously, that relationship didn't last. It's easy to get swept up in a lot of passion, but that needs to be balanced with long-term compatibility and goals for the relationship to endure. I've had a couple of intensely passionate relationship, and in neither of them did I feel emotionally fulfilled. The truth is there are NO guarantees with ANY relationship. Rather than stressing about this fact, take comfort in the knowledge that you can't really control anything, so the best you can do is enjoy the positive aspects and not worry. "Worrying about tomorrow only robs today of its strength."
Author sarahanne Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I suppose vulnerability and low self esteem makes us question alot of stuff. I wish it was that easy. But I do understand what you're saying. I am troubled by the amount of archives he has on his computer about her. There are some semi erotic photos he has still kept. Do I need to address this, or should guys feel this is OK to do this? He has asked me to move in with him, but I would like us to be in a place which is neutral and doesnt have this kind of memorabilia.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I suppose vulnerability and low self esteem makes us question alot of stuff. I wish it was that easy. But I do understand what you're saying. Yep, that's your real problem, and that stuff has nothing to do with him. You're going to have to work on you. I am troubled by the amount of archives he has on his computer about her. There are some semi erotic photos he has still kept. Do I need to address this, or should guys feel this is OK to do this? He has asked me to move in with him, but I would like us to be in a place which is neutral and doesnt have this kind of memorabilia. I have both normal and erotic photos of my last two bfs on my computer, but I never look at them. Does he still look at the photos? Really, there's nothing threatening about photos of past experiences and people. I think it would be best to leave it alone. They're not a threat. And if your self-esteem is healthy, you're much less likely to feel threatened by them.
Author sarahanne Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Well he's erased alot of them, I noticed that, but some he has kept, so there must be a certain fondness. I dont know if he looks at them often, but they have been transferred to the new computer. It hardly makes me feel great. Any suggestions on my self improvement?
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