Charlemagne Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hi guys! I need your insight. I will try to make long story short: The case is about my "lover". She has a long term boyfriend, but she initiated 2 years ago something between us.. There was sex, love and romance. I loved her so much, but finally she chosen the boyfriend over me. It was more than a year ago. In the meantime we've got back together couple of times. Each time I couldn't handle the situation. I loved her, she loved someone else but she was so good to me.. everything was fine except that one element - she didn't want to dump her boyfriend. Now she is again in my life. And it seems that she cares even more. She is very interested and lots of emotions are involved. Of course I'm afraid.. I've seen her today, everything was perfect but in the end we were crying.. We can't meet with each other very often and this is sad.. I don't know what to do.. I've already showed that I care too, that I miss her, I need her etc.. Maybe I should have been more distanced? What should be my next move? Need your help. Charle
torranceshipman Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Don't see her again, unless you like being with a player, if you also want to get your heart broken AGAIN (how many times are you going to put yourself through this?!), if you like having your self-respect walked over, and if you like the kind of girl that cheats on her boyfriend repeatedly. She ISN'T good to you - she never even left her boyfriend, how is that being good to you?! Good luck man, but really, stay away from her, she is no good for you, she just brings you misery. There's a lovely single girl out there who will fall for you and treat you so much better...
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 The case is about my "lover". She has a long term boyfriend, but she initiated 2 years ago something between us.. There was sex, love and romance. I loved her so much, but finally she chosen the boyfriend over me. It was more than a year ago. In the meantime we've got back together couple of times. Each time I couldn't handle the situation. I loved her, she loved someone else but she was so good to me.. everything was fine except that one element - she didn't want to dump her boyfriend. Now she is again in my life. And it seems that she cares even more. She is very interested and lots of emotions are involved. Of course I'm afraid.. Ugh... do not get emotionally involved with this girl! She has probably cheated on her BF with lots of guys... and your just one in a crowd. Just forget about her and find a woman with some integrity... morals... or whatever you guys are calling it.
Author Charlemagne Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thank you very much for answers. Do you really think that she doesn't deserve any chance? Do you really feel that she is not going to finally change the situation and everything will be all right? I can't stop (maybe) cheating myself.. She is kinda very special to me.. Each time is different. This is 5th or 6th time we are getting back together.. and she was always the one who was trying to reach out for me. There must be something between us. I can't explain it in logical terms but I still have strong feelings for her.. Probably I'm so wrong..
New Again Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 The case is about my "lover". She has a long term boyfriend, but she initiated 2 years ago something between us.. There was sex, love and romance. I loved her so much, but finally she chosen the boyfriend over me. Sorry, but she didn't choose him over you; you never had a chance. It was more than a year ago. In the meantime we've got back together couple of times. Each time I couldn't handle the situation. That's your bad - seriously, don't go getting involved with someone who's taken. I loved her, she loved someone else but she was so good to me.. everything was fine except that one element - she didn't want to dump her boyfriend. Nope, she wasn't good to you, or to her bf. She's screwing you both over. I also doubt very much that she loves her bf, or she wouldn't be doing this. Now she is again in my life. And it seems that she cares even more. She is very interested and lots of emotions are involved. Of course I'm afraid.. She doesn't care and she never has. She is not interested, and the only emotions involved are yours. Sorry. I've seen her today, everything was perfect but in the end we were crying.. We can't meet with each other very often and this is sad.. Well this is what you get... I don't know what to do.. I've already showed that I care too, that I miss her, I need her etc.. Maybe I should have been more distanced? What should be my next move? Need your help. Charle I assume she's still with her bf? Your next move should be informing her bf what she's up to, then never speaking to her again or seeing her again. You also need to do some serious self-relflection, and see a therapist if you can, or read some self-help books on self-esteem and healthy relationships. You know exactly what to expect from this girl; unless you enjoy feeling like crap and allowing others to mistreat you, (and don't forget the role you're playing in screwing over another human being - her bf), stop seeing her. If she's not with her bf still, skip the first step.
New Again Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Thank you very much for answers. Do you really think that she doesn't deserve any chance? Do you really feel that she is not going to finally change the situation and everything will be all right? Nope, she definitely doesn't. Of course she's not, are you serious? You KNOW she's not. I can't stop (maybe) cheating myself.. She is kinda very special to me.. If you were special to her she wouldn't be treating you like this. Each time is different. This is 5th or 6th time we are getting back together.. and she was always the one who was trying to reach out for me. There must be something between us. Nope, each time is the same: each time she cheats on her bf with you, and then goes back to her bf for one reason or another. Whenever she feels she's not getting something out of her relationship, she comes looking for you for some extra attention. She is deeply flawed. There is nothing between you, if there was, she would be with you and not someone else. I can't explain it in logical terms but I still have strong feelings for her.. Probably I'm so wrong.. She is toxic and you really need to cut her entirely out of your life.
Author Charlemagne Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Yes she is still with her bf.. Ok. I'm on earth now but only with one feet.. So let's assume that she doesn't care and this is just fun. Why she always tries to contact me. To be with me every second. Risk her relationship meeting me in public. Crying and million of other thigs that indicate that she cares? What are her intentions?
New Again Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yes she is still with her bf.. Ok. I'm on earth now but only with one feet.. So let's assume that she doesn't care and this is just fun. Why she always tries to contact me. To be with me every second. Risk her relationship meeting me in public. Crying and million of other thigs that indicate that she cares? What are her intentions? She has no integrity. She's disloyal. She's untrustworthy. She's addicted to drama. "I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love" possibly. She has low self-esteem. She needs attention/validation from lots of guys, not just one. She doesn't know how to or is unwilling to be alone. She doesn't know how or is unwilling to work out her problems. Dude, if she loved you, or cared about you, or wanted to be with you, she would be with you and not her bf. Crying doesn't indicate anything except that she's a drama queen.
ADF Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 You need to leave this relationship. I know that is much easier to say than to do. But in situations like yours, the BF always wins. Not because the woman necessarily like the BF better, but because staying with him is just easier. Never undersetimate the lengths people will go to to make things as easy as possible on themselves. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like you and this woman are headed for a time when you two can be together openly and exclusively. That is just going to make for more suffering as time goes on.
Author Charlemagne Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Need time to think.. You guys are not very "helpful" She's just sent me an sms saying that she really miss me and other **** like that.. Maybe I will stay but she will have to work really hard to make me believe..
torranceshipman Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 She loves the ego boost from you, and the attention that you give her. You make her feel like the most beautiful, wanted, special girl and she loves that. She probably does care about you on some level, is attracted to you, but is using you, essentially, for validation, and to feel special. If you leave her she comes running, as she loves the intensity and the feeling of 'winning' you again as it means she feels irresistible again...she needs to do it, else your devotion disappears, so her source of validation disappears, and so she needs to get you back for a bit to make her feel great again. This probably happens at times when things are a little bit rough or boring in her relationship with her boyfriend, but her boyfriend is also her safety net and she needs to keep him to feel secure PLUS mess around with you for those other feelings. You're better than being someones ego boost...kick her to the kerb and you'll feel good about yourself for doing it.
torranceshipman Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Maybe I will stay but she will have to work really hard to make me believe.. Then make sure that the working really hard equals leaving her boyfriend - anything less is totally disrespectful to you.
Author Charlemagne Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 torranceshipman nice explanation. So maybe let's try to change rules of the game? Do you have any ideas how to resist her and make her working for my "special ego boost"? I think deep inside that she is worth it. She can't be such a bad woman, has wonderful, sweet eyes.. Damn.
New Again Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 torranceshipman nice explanation. So maybe let's try to change rules of the game? Do you have any ideas how to resist her and make her working for my "special ego boost"? I think deep inside that she is worth it. She can't be such a bad woman, has wonderful, sweet eyes.. Damn. Yes, change the rules of the game. This is what you do: completely ignore her for a very long period of time. You need to show her complete indifference. During that period of time you should work on dating other people, and work on yourself as well.
torranceshipman Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yes I agree, complete indifference unless she leaves her boyfriend...it'll drive her nuts! Act like it is over from this moment on, date other people, keep control over the situation by letting her wonder about your lack of interest. Tis is a win win for you as you might meet a great single girl, and the whole time she'll be thinking about what you're up to, AND you don't get caught up in her drama. If you have to keep her in your life, at least make it all about you, not about her (although I don't think she's worth it!)
Left in a Lurch Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I went through this same situation. The girl was perfect, everything I wanted and more. She initiated everything. I couldn't believe I did this, but it got to the point that I really didn't want to go through dealing with her going home to someone else at the end of the night, and broke it off. It was tough but I don't think I could have gone on much longer. Being with her would have been more torture than not being with her. It's one thing if it is a fling, but when you find the mutual perfect match but can't progress much farther it sucks balls, I don't think it's worth it.
PinkToes Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I think deep inside that she is worth it. She can't be such a bad woman, has wonderful, sweet eyes.. Damn. Right. Except for that part about how she doesn't give a crap about being faithful to her boyfriend. Why would you want to be with someone who would almost certainly cheat on you, too? Imagine being with her, and having to wonder about that all the time. Wonder who's next. Not a good situation. Please get out while you still can.
Author Charlemagne Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I'm so sad lately.. I can't stop crying.. My self esteem has dropped significantly and sometimes I feel like a human of second category.. ;// I have thoughts that she is the only woman I can love.. I can't move on.. There's no one I can talk to frankly.. And I need her touch so badly.. ****..
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