aerogurl87 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I'm sure most of you are aware of the headache my relationship with my boyfriend has been (aka Mr. I can't show emotion and I like to snap at people), but lately something has been bothering me. There's this guy who I will call the Friend. The Friend is a great guy and we've been friends for a few months now, I've always known he's had this crush on me, but I always brushed him off. The thing is before my boyfriend and I got together I was at a crossroads between who to pick, my boyfriend or the Friend. I ended up choosing my boyfriend because he made a move the quickest and now I'm starting to wonder if that was a mistake. The Friend isn't perfect, but he's pretty good dating material. He's financially stable, has a good head on his shoulders, is somewhat reserved and yet he knows how to go out and have a good time from time to time, he's not anti social, he makes me laugh, and he is really easy to open up to. Not saying my boyfriend isn't any of these things, but I'm still trying to get my head around his "I can't show emotion" thing he has going on (something he claims he's working on, but we'll see.) In the meantime I'm finding myself drawn to the Friend kind of like I was drawn to him when I was with my other ex boyfriend. I don't want to keep wondering what if, but at the same time I don't want to break my boyfriend's heart. I guess I'm just lost and wondering what to do. I don't want to leave my boyfriend for another guy, since I know that would crush him, but this attraction between the Friend and I keeps getting stronger as time goes on and the more I talk to the Friend, the more I want to be with him. Hence why I limited the amount of time I talked to him and hung out with him when I was with my previous boyfriend. Any advice on the situation would be greatly appreciated.
tryagaintoday Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 break up with bf and be with the friend
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Grass is always greener, AG. If the friend was someone you REEEAALLY wanted to be with, you would have chosen him after you broke up with your last BF. I think he just looks like an appealing option compared to what you're dealing with right now. IMO - I would limit time with the friend for now and focus on your relationship. Decide - COMPLETELY independently of your feelings for your friend - if your BF is for you. If he's not, then let him go and THEN I would investigate the feelings for the friend. But don't entertain the thought while you're in a committed relationship. That's not fair to your BF.
carhill Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 break up with bf and be with the friend Normally I would agree, having been that 'friend' numerous times, but I have had a change of heart of late. I think it's healthier not to 'choose' the friend, but rather to be alone and work on why you make the choices you make. Who you are isn't going to change by 'picking' the friend, so that dynamic has already been affected by your past choices. My bet is, if you break up with BF and get with friend, you will be back with BF within a year and will devastate friend. BTW, this has never happened to me, so I'm not projecting here. The 'friends' have never 'picked' me, preferring the status quo, unhealthy as it might have been. The key is health. Without that, the rest is academic. Best wishes and value your friends
jerseyboy Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 He's your friend so of course you would want to put him through the emotional roller coaster of your emotions by breaking up with your bf, starting to date him, and giving him the pleasure of witnessing and supporting you through all your unresolved emotional attachments to the ex, the second thoughts, continued contact, and emotional ambiguity. Guys are all masochists, so no doubt hell appreciate the gesture.
New Again Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I guess I missed something; I thought you were breaking up with your bf, or had already done so. I'm sorry you're still dealing with the same issues. I think you should either: try to work things out with your bf break up with him and be single for awhile I think what's going on here is you're starting to emotionally detach from your bf, possibly you don't want to be alone...so the friend is looking pretty good. I think a lot of women do that (start to detach and move on) before they actually break up with their bfs, because it's easier that way (easier on you/us, not the bf or your friend). If you're unhappy enough that you're contemplating being with someone else (or even that someone else is looking so good to you - I remember a couple months ago when you were sooooo into your bf) you should break up with him, OR communicate to him what you need to change and give him a chance to change it. You know what you can live with and what you can't. Good luck.
Author aerogurl87 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Grass is always greener, AG. If the friend was someone you REEEAALLY wanted to be with, you would have chosen him after you broke up with your last BF. I think he just looks like an appealing option compared to what you're dealing with right now. IMO - I would limit time with the friend for now and focus on your relationship. Decide - COMPLETELY independently of your feelings for your friend - if your BF is for you. If he's not, then let him go and THEN I would investigate the feelings for the friend. But don't entertain the thought while you're in a committed relationship. That's not fair to your BF. Yeah your right SoulSearch I would've chosen him had he made a move quicker, but he didn't and so I went with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a great guy, and I know that. He doesn't cheat, treats me with respect (aside from his temper tantrums he has every now and then), and he's a gentleman. The only problems I REALLY have with my boyfriend are that he 1) refuses to meet my parents (this has been bothering me for sometime too) and 2) he shows NO emotion. I'm trying to work things out with him since I'm the kind of girl that believes in working out your differences before just giving up, but we've been down this road before. He said he'd try to work on opening up and it seemed to last for a little under a week, and then back to nothing. I'm not cut out for an emotionless relationship, it's not for me. EDIT: I don't even look forward to talking to my boyfriend anymore or having sex with him. Granted, I like being around him still, but with him avoiding building an emotional connection to me, I'm starting to feel kinda "blah" about our whole relationship. Edited December 2, 2009 by aerogurl87
callingyouuu Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Whatever you decide, don't leave your current boyfriend solely for anyone else. First think about whether or not you want to be with your boyfriend. I think that you need to consider this issue without any influence from "the friend" first... He said he'd try to work on opening up and it seemed to last for a little under a week, and then back to nothing. I'm not cut out for an emotionless relationship, it's not for me. ...and this is key to you making that decision. If hypothetically things don't work out between you and the current bf, only then should you consider whether or not you want to start things up with the other guy. Like others on this thread, I'm concerned that your dissatisfaction in your current relationship and the presence of attention from someone else might be clouding your perspective of what to do with the boyfriend.
Author aerogurl87 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Like others on this thread, I'm concerned that your dissatisfaction in your current relationship and the presence of attention from someone else might be clouding your perspective of what to do with the boyfriend. Callingyouuu I've been fed up with my boyfriend's behaviour for awhile, and that was before I even started to be interested in my friend again. I gave him a chance and he kinda shrugged me off, but now that he saw I was seriously thinking of leaving him, he's attempting to change it seems. Although it looked like he was doing the same before, only for me to find he changed a little in order to shut me up. But no, emotionally I feel like I'm single now because he has almost severed the emotional ties I was building to him through his lack of communication with me emotionally. Now all that's left to do is to end it or try and work at rebuilding those emotional ties I want and needed from him. But I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do in his heart. As for the friend only looking good cause things are going south with my current relationship, I guess there's some truth in that. I wasn't interested when the oxycotin levels were high with my boyfriend and he was investing emotionally into our budding romance. But when he started to pull away, I guess my interest levels resurfaced.
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