liveagain Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 We've been together for six months....he is unmarried 40 year old male. I just found out that he has at least 20 women (majority) listed on his cellphone (yes, he left his cellphone at my place and can't help but looked) these women are mostly before me and possibly some are platonic. Nothing suspicious on his texts and voicemail. (yes, it's wrong to snoop) Last night, he made a comment about the movie we were watching....about a guy who is cheating on his wife. My bf said something about the movie "he should buy one for his wife and one for his gf and pay one in cash and one by credit". Describing a better way not to get caught. This is the 2nd time he would make similar comments to another movie and it bothers me. One thing about him that I know is that he really wants to get married and settle down and been searching for the one. We are getting serious, and we talked about getting married. My question is he a player/possible cheater or just someone who been single for so long?
Rudderless Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Here you go, why don't you tell him you went through his phone and found lots of women and see what he says, after all if you're planning to get married shouldn't honesty be important?
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Here you go, why don't you tell him you went through his phone and found lots of women and see what he says, after all if you're planning to get married shouldn't honesty be important? Yeah...do that!
Author liveagain Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 You're asking to build a mansion on the budget of a dog house. How could anyone know from what you said? Yup...I thought that I'm making a big deal out of it. So many women listed on his phone....freaked me out!
Author liveagain Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Here you go, why don't you tell him you went through his phone and found lots of women and see what he says, after all if you're planning to get married shouldn't honesty be important? i agree..he said they're all in the past and he didn't want to talk about it. Why won't he freaking delete these contacts....
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Oh, gees - the movie thing. Take that with a grain of salt and then just completely forget it. It meant nothing. As for the phone thing - has he really given you a reason to believe he could be stringing along other women? How much time do you spend together? Is it ever difficult to reach him by telephone (meaning, he ignores/screens your call because he could be on another date)? I'd look for other signs like stuff at his place. Stop the snooping, though. By looking around at his place, I don't mean going through all his drawers and breaking into the lockbox in his office. LOL I just mean pay attention to if there seems to be any female influence at his pad. You can usually suss this stuff out.
Author liveagain Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Oh, gees - the movie thing. Take that with a grain of salt and then just completely forget it. It meant nothing. As for the phone thing - has he really given you a reason to believe he could be stringing along other women? How much time do you spend together? Is it ever difficult to reach him by telephone (meaning, he ignores/screens your call because he could be on another date)? I'd look for other signs like stuff at his place. Stop the snooping, though. By looking around at his place, I don't mean going through all his drawers and breaking into the lockbox in his office. LOL I just mean pay attention to if there seems to be any female influence at his pad. You can usually suss this stuff out. Thank you...this is very helpful . There where few instances he turned off his phone when he was with me and I questioned him. There was a time where he didn't answer after two hours. But he sent me a text saying there is something wrong with my phone and can't reach me. I texted and tried calling him. I didn't give him a hard time because he was with me for 4 consecutive days and thought maybe he wants to be with his friends and take a break. Other than that, he is pretty consistent, calls me back on time and very frequent. He is with me most of the time after work from Thursday night to Sunday afternoon. or at least 3x a week. Sometimes he will spend Friday with his friends. But yes, snooping is wrong....I regretted it.
New_Life08 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Just some insight, and my opinion via experience. The truth of the matter is that most of the women on his phone are probably just friends and/or coworkers. It is when the phone rings off the hook, and he starts lying about who is calling, turns phone off, keeps his phone close to him, and all of this happens after you have questioned a few things....then you might want to be concerned. If you think about it, platonic friends do not call continuously, they have their own life. When these opposite sex friends call all the time there is a reason. As for the text messages, anything inappropriate can be deleted, and only the more innocent messages show up. Also, there are wireless phone companies with features that can hide or transfer certain numbers. I am not saying this is the case with him, I am just cluing you in on some of the tricks a partner can use to have their cake and eat it too. Believe me I have been through hell with this. Just keep your eyes open, if he is doing something that crosses the line, it will come out....it always does. All my best...
New_Life08 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Forgot to mention...as for the snooping, don't beat yourself up about it. You wouldn't have let it cross your mind unless you had some degree of concern. Don't think your partner wouldn't snoop if you gave him reason to. I think there is a gray area there. I feel it is rude and disrespectful to snoop into someones things just for the fun of it. But when you have reason to believe things are not on the up and up, and you're talking about marriage and YOUR future is at stake, then you have every right to check into it. Rarely do people cross the line to snoop, and come up empty handed. Intuition is there for a reason. Yeah, you should respect his privacy when invading it would have no bearing on your relationship. If any partner (in a serious relationship)has stirred doubt, then they have given up the privilege to privacy where the other is concerned.
D-Lish Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the person you're dating doesn't have any female contacts in his phone. There are friends, co-workers, family members, etc to consider. If he had something to hide- he wouldn't have left his phone at your place. You're not living together or spending every waking moment together, so he doesn't need an extra phone to cheat with- he can just delete history before he sees you. I myself would come up with that theory that a stupid dude in a movie should have a secret credit card and second phone- because it's logical. I also think that people in a horror movie should never split off on their own when a killer is on the loose ~ but not because I have ever been on the run from an alien or psycho-killer. Bottom line is that it wouldn't be logical for him to hide affairs from you by keeping a second phone. If you lived together and you could intercept credit card bills and phone statements, that might be another story- but this isn't the case. His solution to the dude's problem in the movie isn't rocket science- you don't need to be devious or even have experience to solve that problem. Edited December 1, 2009 by D-Lish
Boundary Problem Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Forgot to mention...as for the snooping, don't beat yourself up about it. You wouldn't have let it cross your mind unless you had some degree of concern. Don't think your partner wouldn't snoop if you gave him reason to. I think there is a gray area there. I feel it is rude and disrespectful to snoop into someones things just for the fun of it. But when you have reason to believe things are not on the up and up, and you're talking about marriage and YOUR future is at stake, then you have every right to check into it. Rarely do people cross the line to snoop, and come up empty handed. Intuition is there for a reason. Yeah, you should respect his privacy when invading it would have no bearing on your relationship. If any partner (in a serious relationship)has stirred doubt, then they have given up the privilege to privacy where the other is concerned. It would never occur to me to snoop. I'm not sure I would even want to - to be honest. I think the boyfriend/girlfriend should just have passwords to the others email- if the other wants it. I would have no problem with that. I just have this image of the controlling husband showing up at my work every day and going through my purse in front of clients to take all the receipts to check them. Really. When is enough enough. I think we have to be careful what becomes a habit. Because once it is a habit, then it is impossible to stop. Nothing like a STIFF lecture at the getgo to put the fear of god into them, and then periodic checking - that would be pretty effective. If they are going to cheat, then they will cheat - checking their phone and email isn't going to stop them. That is the sad reality. Cheating/withholding sex is the passive/aggressive way of breaking up. For people who don't like doing the dirty work themselves. They then leave someone else to clean up the terrible mess. And they walk.
Michael_K Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 We've been together for six months....he is unmarried 40 year old male. I just found out that he has at least 20 women (majority) listed on his cellphone (yes, he left his cellphone at my place and can't help but looked) these women are mostly before me and possibly some are platonic. Nothing suspicious on his texts and voicemail. (yes, it's wrong to snoop) Last night, he made a comment about the movie we were watching....about a guy who is cheating on his wife. My bf said something about the movie "he should buy one for his wife and one for his gf and pay one in cash and one by credit". Describing a better way not to get caught. This is the 2nd time he would make similar comments to another movie and it bothers me. One thing about him that I know is that he really wants to get married and settle down and been searching for the one. We are getting serious, and we talked about getting married. My question is he a player/possible cheater or just someone who been single for so long? A cheater who cheats on you, can cheat your awareness while he cheats, convincing you that you have not been cheated. If you find a trace, then be sure that he intentionally left it there for you to find it. Don't waste your time and pack your things as soon as possible. He is saying "goodbye". You can get more info by visiting the site: http://infidelity-concerns.com
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