looking4 green grass Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Alright, so I've recently ventured into the world of online dating, and I'm not sure when to mention the "I' divorced" bit about myself. I personally don't care that I am divorced anymore. I worked through that, it's been 3.5 years, and I'm finally good to go (and slightly smarter). Since my big D, it's never been an issue with any guy that I've dated, but when I look back, I notice that everybody already knew I was divorced before they started something with me. Now that I'm out and about meeting these guys "cold turkey" they have no idea. I have been wondering if it's a deal breaker for some people, or if it even matters, or if I should mention it or what?? This all comes up because I was on a date last night with Mr. Online Guy, and we were discussing where all we had lived. At one point he asked me if I was living alone, and I said "No, I was married." And left it at that. He didn't ask anything else about it and I didn't say anything else about it. So guys, do you really care if a girl is divorced at 29 years old? And should I mention it? If so, when?
sumdude Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Isn't that usually part of the online profile? Otherwise I can't see any reason not to mention it pretty early on. No big details about it just, yeah I was married and it didn't work out. Being divorced in this day and age is no big deal. 50% of marriages end up that way.
Author looking4 green grass Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 (edited) It was part of the information I entered on eHarmony, but I don't see where it shows up in the profile. And I don't think you can set it as a preference for matches. I've decided it must have freaked the guy out, b/c today has been silence....I also thought it best to mention I had tattoos. That may have also freaked him out! lol Geez, a girl who has been divorced and who has tattoos! Oh the blasphemy! Never mind that she's super cute, funny, smart, ambitious, snuggly, not psycho....let's all focus on the divorce and tattoos!!! haha! Hmm...that made me sound bitter. lol Edited November 29, 2009 by looking4 green grass
justforfun Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 At one point he asked me if I was living alone, and I said "No, I was married." And left it at that. He didn't ask anything else about it and I didn't say anything else about it. Eh? That's not what you meant to say is it?
Author looking4 green grass Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Oh, haha. I see How that sounds now. Oh lord, I hope he doesn't think I meant that I was married now! GREAT!
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Oh, haha. I see How that sounds now. Oh lord, I hope he doesn't think I meant that I was married now! GREAT! LMAO...he probably didn't hear you about the tattoos...he probably didn't hear anything else you said after that comment! Note to self: Right time to mention divorce would be immediately after mentioning that you were married.
New Again Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Personally, unless you have children, I don't think a divorce is a huge deal. I don't see why it would need to be mentioned at any time earlier than when/if your date brings up previous failed relationships. On the other hand, I'm realizing more and more lately that I'm a pretty private person.
Pizzaman81 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Eh... same as why we are all looking, because we used to have someone now we don't. Divorce, breakups, same thing...
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Divorce is not quite the stigma or black mark that it used to be. It's so common, anymore. I'm 29. If a guy has issue with me having been married before, then he's not for me. In fact, the guy I'm seeing now (14 years my senior) said that because of the age diff, if I had NEVER been married before, he would have been reluctant to get involved. Lack of experience, and all, KWIM? You learn so much from marriage that I consider it an asset in my limited relationship history. As far as when to bring it up. Hmm. I'm trying to remember when it usually comes up. I think usually on my dating profile, it's been there. The guy I'm seeing now, we didn't meet on a dating site. I want to say it was a couple days into us emailing each other when we were talking about past life experiences and I said something about my XH. I guess because I don't see it as a bad thing, it's not a big deal to me to mention it pretty casually.
phineas Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 As long as you arn't divorced because you cheated I wouldn't care as long as your ex wasn't creating any drama in your current life. I have no desire to be forced to defend myself against a violent ex. been there & done that. no thank you.
jerseyboy Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I would definitely care if a woman didnt bring it up before we started kissing. Assuming it was a date type situation, not someone you meet in a club and kisisng on the dance floor. The divorce itself might not bother me, but trust wise shes probably be done. Not going to sit there wondering what the hell else shes hiding. I dont think a person need bring it up before things get intimate that way. A person can go on a lot of dates, you dont need to spill your life story to every single person with whom you have dinner etc
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 So guys, do you really care if a girl is divorced at 29 years old? And should I mention it? If so, when? I'll be honest and say what you're maybe thinking? I would be a bit put off if a guy said that to me. Divorced by 29? That's some major c0ck up to have made by such a young age. Was the ink even dry? How do you manage to swing from forever to never in such a short space of time? I would question your wisdom. I would wonder if you are a fall in/fall out of love person. But I would also think. Wow, she's obviously a smart put together woman. She made a choice in good faith that turned out to be the wrong one and she wasn't afraid to admit it. She ended it cleanly without children and I imagine to much baggage. She was spirited and independent enough to say this isn't working lets end it before it gets to far. She has no fear of being single. She took her chances and when it wasn't right for her re-established herself as a single person instead of staying for fear of the unknown. It's not as simple as saying...well if he doesn't get it then he isn't the one for me. Maybe he just needs to understand it. It's new territory, he presumably has no experience of divorce at such a young age. This is an opportunity to find out how willing he is to open his mind to different ways of thinking and different life experiences. He may not like it initially. Like I said, I wouldn't. But look where the thought process can lead to. Just be cool about it. Give it a chance. Throw in a few positives and see how it goes.
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I would definitely care if a woman didnt bring it up before we started kissing. LMAO...I love that you have a timeline with 'must have' milestones along the way. Hope that's workin' for ya.
Boundary Problem Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 It won't come up. They will be too busy talking about themselves. Don't sweat it.
jerseyboy Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 LMAO...I love that you have a timeline with 'must have' milestones along the way. Hope that's workin' for ya. LOL Would be the same standard Id have for myself. The get intimate then bring it up later might work for you. I have no problem with it, so long as I'm not involved. If I had something as serious as btw I'm divorced, have some kids, I would expect most women to be pissed if I chose to mention it after the fact. Id eevn find it reasonable to question motives as to why they waited, as in he wanted me to become emotionally bonded prior to springing the news. What I find appropriate is to mention it somewhere after were just friends getting to know each other, and just before the two fo you are taking things to a more intimate level Although if it were me personally, Id just mention it at the start. If its going to be an issue , then get it out there right away. But I understand others might not wish to dos o.
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 It won't come up. They will be too busy talking about themselves. Don't sweat it. LOL BP, where were you? You could have saved me a lot of typing! Can you tell I went to see my psych today? I'm in an analytical frame of mind! Best snap out of it. I'm going on a coffee date with some random stranger from POF in about an hour.
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