worriedgf Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 hi everyone. this is my first post on this site. was referred here by my cousin who is in a similar more complicated situation than mine though. but here is my story: I realised i have been pressurizing my bf for marriage from the second month of our relationship partly because i thought that would work. i also tried being a doormat (cooking, cleaning, washing and trying to be a wife)in order to make him realise i would make a good wife. i have asked him to tell me if he wants to marry me about nine times in 18months, and each time, i thought that breaking up with him would kind up threaten him and make him decide to marry me but it has never worked. Each time we broke up and he didnt decide to marry, we came back approximately two weeks after. he says i am trying to control him that he feels pressured. but time is not on my side. we are agemates: 29 years and he says he has other things to think of, because he recently lost his job, and is squatting with his aunt. I just recently broke up with him again because i threatened and he said he was not mentally ready to think about marriage now. I just want him to tell me : yes, i will marry you, but later maybe in two or three years. but i realised that the threatening method may not actually be the best. what do you think i should do now? we have a good relationship, he loves me and treats me well, but i am thinking that if i go back now and start acting like i am indifferent about the marriage issue, it would seem false. i am very very confused right now. i dont know what to do. please help. i really love this man and do not want to lose him. i know he loves me, he is absolutely faithful.. Good men are hard to find and i want this one. I would appreciate if guys could also give me thier input.
Yukikazi Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 hi everyone. _snip_ I would appreciate if guys could also give me thier input. Most guys would be running for the hills by now.. you are seriously being pushy.. 9 times in just over a year? How long have you been together?
JaggedRoad Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 My advice? Stop breaking up with him to get a reaction. That's a sick thing to do to someone. It's emotionally abusive and there will come a time when he'll snap. Go see a psychologist, therapist, and a psychiatrist. You want to be with him? Really? You love him? Really? Then show him that you do. Do not pressure him. As you have said, he has some things to take care of. Let him deal with his life, and when he is ready, he will marry you if he wants to. But to be honest, I would erase you from my life in a split second if I were him. You are killing his self-esteem and self-worth by constantly leaving him. Get your **** together!
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 but i realised that the threatening method may not actually be the best. Gee, ya think? Haven't you ever heard the expression "men are like rubber bands?" You have to allow them to stretch in order for them to spring back. Smothering him and "threatening" him to marry you will just drive him further away. He has very legitimate reasons for not wanting to enter into a marriage, namely having no job and living with a family member. In my opinion he is doing a responsible thing by realizing he's not in a good position to enter into a marriage right now. You don't have to "act like you are indifferent" toward the marriage issue...just keep it to yourself. Set a timeline, for yourself (NOT him). I.E. "Self, if within x amount of months/years/decades he is has not shown signs of being ready for marriage, I will move on and find someone who is." He obviously knows where you stand on the issue. You don't have to keep reminding him. Either wait for him to be ready, or don't. You aren't powerless in this issue...just remember that you only have power over yourself, not him.
Author worriedgf Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Most guys would be running for the hills by now.. you are seriously being pushy.. 9 times in just over a year? How long have you been together? 18months. we have dated for 18 months
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Oh, and as others have mentioned, if you keep this up, you will lose him for good. I am surprised he hasn't already made a run for it.
RobM Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I don't have advice for you, my advice to him "run forest run"
threebyfate Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I think you should let him go, permanently. The two of you don't have compatible goals or timelines in life. What I'm confused about is, what's the rush to get married? Marriage is a mutual decision and should be a happy agreement between the two of you, knowing you both want to spend the rest of your lives together. One thing's for certain. The more you pressure men to get married, even once, the less likely they're interested in getting married. I don't know why men are like this but in my personal experience, the less you want to get married, the more they do. Don't ask me why. Just believe it.
TigerCub Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Why would you ever want to marry someone that doesn't want to marry you? I don't get it. The guy doesn't want to marry you and you know that if he does, its only because he was pressured into it. Another thing...marriage doesn't guarantee anything! Say you do get married to this guy before he's ready for it, don't you think that after a certain amount of time, the feeling of being trapped is gonna get to him and he'll either cheat on you or just leave you altogether? You need to calm down about this issue, just be with him and see how things go in time, maybe in a few months or a year, you'll decide that HE's Not the one for you and you wont be the one that wants to marry him, or maybe he'll have his issues sorted out and the timing would be right. Why the big rush for marriage?
deux ex machina Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 When it comes to relationships, the last thing you want to do is be manipulative, which is what you are doing. The word 'manipulative' might take you aback and make you feel defensive - but the only way to stop that is to own it. Oh, and not do it anymore. The beginning of a relationship sets the stage for how things will play out. None of this bodes well. I have a feeling you'll continue to be hyperfocused on getting him to marry you no matter what other advice is given, so I'll just leave it at that.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 what's the rush to get married? No ****. OP - marriage is not a fix-all. With your petulant behavior, I don't believe you're ready to function in a healthy marriage. It's all about compromise - not "my way or the highway."
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Why do you want to marry him? What do you imagine your marriage to be like if you did marry him? You have to understand that marrying someone doesn't change situations or the people in them. It sounds like you want a change, and for some reason think that a marriage will bring that change.
Malenfant Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 why on earth would you want marriage after 2 months? i'm surprised he's stayed with you this long. trying to manipulate him into marriage is an awful thing to do. if i were in his shoes i'd have been long gone. i really dont understand where you're coming from, you sound like one desperate manipulative person. thats not attractive at all.
dudet Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Dang, just the title of this doesn't sound good. threatening someone to marry you sounds crazy. just the thing to scare a guy away. what is the big rush anyways
Yukikazi Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Do you need a green card or something? Visa expiring soon?
dudet Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 She obviously has fear of abandonment and seems very clingy. i suggest he run for the hills
dudet Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I think a lot of other posters are overreacting. If he was going to run, he would have done it a long time ago. I would advise asking more frequently, at least once a week, so he knows you are serious. I know what I'm talking about. I'm a Doctor. lol...you are joking right
mortensorchid Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I'm surprised he hasn't run away screaming and put a restraining order out on you at this point. I understand where you are coming from on a base level, you want to settle down. But why do you want to settle down with someone you have to bully into marrying you? I'm surprised though and rather saddened to see how wimpy most guys are, and they either run away from a situation, become clingy themselves, or even allow themselves to be bullied into doing something they don't want to. This is not a good situation for either of you. I think you should severe ties and move on.
CarmenSandiego Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I really hope this post is a joke. I feel really bad for him and I'm surprised he keeps coming back! Maybe you should choose someone else just like you?
Pizzaman81 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 ...29 years and he says he has other things to think of, because he recently lost his job, and is squatting with his aunt. . The dude just lost his job!!! and then you go threaten him and breakup during this time of hardship for him? You are cold my friend... good guys are NOT hard to find, they just don't like selfish people like you. GOODBYE
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Dang, just the title of this doesn't sound good. threatening someone to marry you sounds crazy. just the thing to scare a guy away. what is the big rush anyways Everytime I see the thread title, I can't help thinking, "She threatened him WITH marriage?" LOL Every guy's dream girl, I tell ya.
liveagain Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 threats don't work....and yeah, mentioning marriage will make someone run away. I'm sorry but the more pushy you are the less they will be interested. Think about the law of scarcity...concentrate on YOU.
Author worriedgf Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 wow. Its not like that. I just love him a lot, and i felt that breaking up will make him miss me then decide he cant live without me. thats all. i am insecure
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