Going on a "Non-Date" tonight

[b52s]

I met this woman online through a social networking site....she's real new to the area, just moved here and got a job with her dad.

 

We talked back and forth via email quite a few times, and I found out a lot about her.

 

I figured, what the heck I'll ask her to coffee. She's cool with it, however she said since she did NOT know wether I was asking as a friend or as a potential date, (whatever POTENTIAL date is, lol)

 

She said she is going to put this out there...

 

She also said:

 

I'm really just looking for friends right now. So much so that I had a date scheduled for next weekend and I canceled it.

 

(not sure why she would cancel, poor guy, lol)

 

I just wanted you to be aware of that just in case you were thinking of a date. Didn't want to get your hopes up, but I am always up for meeting new people and making friends. :-)

 

 

I agreed to it, and decided to meet her for coffee anyway through a recommendation of a friend who told me to go there, enjoy the company, and see what happens.

 

It's really just an online encounter.

 

Let me put it this way, if she was a dude...I wouldn't be doing it.

 

 

That being said, would you guys go out with her since she put it out on the line like that?

 

Is she interested? Would you guys go if the other party told you "listen this is not a date, okay?"

 

Of course, I wish I had a dime for every woman who gave me this, "We're going out as friends and not a date" speech. lol

 

In situations like this though, I'm going to make flirtation attempts and not keep it entirely on a friendship basis

Edited November 28, 2009 by b52s

[jerseyboy]

Women are funny

 

I dont do the whole online dating thing. Did for a short while, but they never look like their pics, most people dont. So you end up choosing photogenic ones, and no doubt passing up a lot of good looking people who dont take great photos. The rest is just as annoying.

 

But you should of totally turned it around on her

 

The couple of times someone said that to me, though I think it was from a business related board, or maybe even a networking site. Few years back.

 

I did respond thats a shame, I was hopeful of something more, I thought you are .........(insert whatever compliments)................I was definitely intrigued by you.

 

Then watch them back pedal lol. Well , you know, Im not looking but Im open if the right person......

 

I think, just my speculation, they find it necessary to establish 1)Im noit a slut 2) I dont troll the net for guys/land a bf. "Im not desperate" And they want to leave themselves an out with most guys.

 

Dont let her define the interaction. Now you are thrown off on what to do, and letting her set the pace. By giving into her stated , prolly bs anyway, claims, everything you do now becomes contrary to your own stated "me too" preference. And you look weak frankly, justifiably so.

Edited November 28, 2009 by jerseyboy

[b52s]

Women are funny

 

I dont do the whole online dating thing. Did for a short while, but they never look like their pics, most people dont. So you end up choosing photogenic ones, and no doubt passing up a lot of good looking people who dont take great photos. The rest is just as annoying.

 

But you should of totally turned it around on her

 

The couple of times someone said that to me, though I think it was from a business related board, or maybe even a networking site. Few years back.

 

I did respond thats a shame, I was hopeful of something more, I thought you are .........(insert whatever compliments)................I was definitely intrigued by you.

 

Then watch them back pedal lol. Well , you know, Im not looking but Im open if the right person......

 

I think, just my speculation, they find it necessary to establish 1)Im noit a slut 2) I dont troll the net for guys/land a bf. "Im not desperate" And they want to leave themselves an out with most guys.

 

Dont let her define the interaction. Now you are thrown off on what to do, and letting her set the pace. By giving into her stated , prolly bs anyway, claims, everything you do now becomes contrary to your own stated "me too" preference. And you look weak frankly, justifiably so.

 

I had a few guy friends tell me, "Hey, if it's as friends, it helps"

 

They claim it helps to have women see you with a woman, if she has friends and she thinks you're a cool friend, she'll introduce you to her network of other friends (some being single females as well)

 

She could be a good wing woman.

 

Apparently, some good could come of it. Apparently, it can help in the long run.

[jerseyboy]

I had a few guy friends tell me, "Hey, if it's as friends, it helps"

 

They claim it helps to have women see you with a woman, if she has friends and she thinks you're a cool friend, she'll introduce you to her network of other friends (some being single females as well)

 

She could be a good wing woman.

 

Apparently, some good could come of it. Apparently, it can help in the long run.

 

 

I misunderstood then. It seemed like your interest was in her specificaly. Such as when you said youd still be flirty etc.

 

That said

 

Yeah, I dont have female friends to set me up with other women. I just prefer their company to others. More generally, take out all the relationship drama, and women are a lot of fun to be around. I think I do probably prefer it to most of my guy friends. Stereotypes aside, I find guys talk way more about their relationship bs than women do lol. On and on about the problems they are having with whomever. Women are much better at just having a good time.

 

So I have a lot of female friends, and more that you are just casually friendly with. Like I said, you dont plan it that way, but as a consequence you probably wouldnt have to look for a date again. Women are total matchmakers. Even the ones you dont speak to very often will call you up with I know this great girl blah blah, and I was thinking shes got to meet you. Or some such.

 

I think its rude to invite a friend out, and then spend the rest of the night talking to someone else. Unless you are in a group etc ie she has someone else to talk to anyway. But there have been situations where she could tell you were checking out some girl, and were too polite to go over. And theyll approach the girl themsleves lol even after you told them its not a big deal blah

 

There is probably also something to the idea that strange women might feel more comfortable if thye know another "norma;" woman finds you safe. But thats speculation

[BobSacamento]

The only friends that I have that are women are GFs of my friends who have been going out for years and friends of those GFs. I have never actively went out looking for friends of the opposite sex. What is her angle? To have a shopping buddy?

[tkgirl]

I have been known to say the same thing myself... many o' times actually!

I even put it on an old match profile... I had just moved here and was looking to meet people, so I wrote how I was on there to "make friends and if it led to something more than great" ... and I still got a lot of emails, winks etc.

Anyways... I think it's my way of taking the pressure off... making it less uncomfortable to meet and if there isn't any chemistry then we can "still be friends". I can see where it would be very frustrating to the guy that hears it though...

[Ody]

She also said:

 

I'm really just looking for friends right now. So much so that I had a date scheduled for next weekend and I canceled it.

 

I wouldn't sweat it too much the last time I was told "this is not a date" we were playing tonsil hockey by the end of the week.

[b52s]

I have been known to say the same thing myself... many o' times actually!

I even put it on an old match profile... I had just moved here and was looking to meet people, so I wrote how I was on there to "make friends and if it led to something more than great" ... and I still got a lot of emails, winks etc.

Anyways... I think it's my way of taking the pressure off... making it less uncomfortable to meet and if there isn't any chemistry then we can "still be friends". I can see where it would be very frustrating to the guy that hears it though...

 

 

Yeah, believe me it gets old....but, some of my friends say, "Meh, just go along with the deal, go as friends, start off as friends....if there's chemistry, great...if not...no..."

Just not make a big thing out of it.

 

Just saw a headshot of her, very pretty smile though. She claims to be very independent and enjoys here "singleness".

 

I think I had a woman ask me to dinner with her, actually a couple of them, then they stated, "as friends, okay?"

 

And I go, "oh okay"...but DURING our "date" she would ask me questions only a woman interested in DATING would ask. LOL.

 

Questions like "Ever been married?" How come you never got married?" things like that.

[b52s]

I wanted to throw somethign else into the mix....is the fact that she's NEW in town and has NO friends....make a difference?

[jerseyboy]

Impossible to know without knowing anything of your interaction with her.

 

She may very well just want to be friends.

 

The point is you seem to not wish to be, which is why you shouldnt of just capitulated to ehr terms as you did.

 

Now you dont know wtf to do:)

[Ody]

I wanted to throw somethign else into the mix....is the fact that she's NEW in town and has NO friends....make a difference?

 

No this is just common dating BS.

 

It's obviously a date, you are obviously not just hanging out to be pals. Everyone knows it, some people like to play some silly little game, doesn't seem worth it to try to figure out "why".

 

Don't overanalyze or get phased by this, turn it back around a little bit. Say "sure, if you say so" and kind of smile at her in a "I don't believe that for a second" sort of way. Hold doors for her and take her coat, all obvious "not just friends" kinds of things. Or something like "well OK but it's a date for me". Anything that's not blatantly confrontational but does not agree and is kind of funny or charming in the moment will be fine.

 

Sure it is good to have woman friends sometimes, and they can make good matchmakers, but for you this is clearly not the case instead you are just trying to talk your way down out of potential dissapointment. Don't do that! Then you will surely wind up as just friends.

[jerseyboy]

No

"well OK but it's a date for me". .

 

 

Thats actually really good

 

Say that:cool:

[Ody]

Also, whatever you say and however she reacts, do not dwell on it or discuss at length what the situation is. Applies to email too. No one ever debates his/her way into a successful date.

[tkgirl]

No this is just common dating BS.

 

It's obviously a date, you are obviously not just hanging out to be pals. Everyone knows it, some people like to play some silly little game, doesn't seem worth it to try to figure out "why".

 

 

yep.. that's pretty much it.. in fact I even used that line on a guy I was interested in. We had been talking a while and he had mentioned how much he hates dating etc. so when we we're going to "get together" I said, "so it's not a date then" and he was all "it isn't?" We ended up going out.. had a great time and ended the night making out like teenagers in the back of a car... one the best "non-dates" ever! sigh...

[jerseyboy]

LOL

 

This must be why I always get screwed up.

 

I actually mean it when I say I dont want a relationship, at most just friends. Id never say that if I was actually potentially interested.

[tkgirl]

LOL

 

This must be why I always get screwed up.

 

I actually mean it when I say I dont want a relationship, at most just friends. Id never say that if I was actually potentially interested.

 

yep.. I believe in going with the flow! like why even "label" things until you both know for sure.. friends... dating... boyfriend... stalker.. ooops!

[WTRanger]

Just be honest back with her. Just tell her you are just looking for meaningless sex. She's only looking for friends you are only looking for sex. Sounds like a good compromise to me.

 

Or you can tell her you have enough friends and that it is not called "online dating" for no reason.

[b52s]

Just be honest back with her. Just tell her you are just looking for meaningless sex. She's only looking for friends you are only looking for sex. Sounds like a good compromise to me.

 

Or you can tell her you have enough friends and that it is not called "online dating" for no reason.

 

Didn't meet her on a dating site, met her on a social networking site.

 

However, she is single AND unattached.

[jerseyboy]

Just be honest back with her. Just tell her you are just looking for meaningless sex. She's only looking for friends you are only looking for sex. Sounds like a good compromise to me.

 

Or you can tell her you have enough friends and that it is not called "online dating" for no reason.

 

 

Hes right

 

Have "non sex" sex with her after the non date.

[Ms. Joolie]

She also said:

 

I'm really just looking for friends right now. So much so that I had a date scheduled for next weekend and I canceled it.

 

(not sure why she would cancel, poor guy, lol)

 

I just wanted you to be aware of that just in case you were thinking of a date. Didn't want to get your hopes up, but I am always up for meeting new people and making friends. :-)

 

To me it sounds like she is putting a wall up. She's not open to a relationship right now OR she is 100% sure she does not want a relationshp right now.

 

Either way, you'd be trying to break down a wall if you wanted to date her. And it may or may not be worth it. lol.

 

But I think that woman who say this have good reason to and are truly not ready for a relationship.... simply because they are not open to one. Although they may accept sex. In fact, the sex may be the only thing that will slowly break down the wall.

 

Okay, okay, I'm talking about me here. My wall was up but after lots of sex and time together with the guy I fell in love with him... he totally brought down my wall. Only thing was that by that time it was too late.

 

Shivers. I think it was too late. He's still there but we're definitely off right now. So I'm just moving on without him of course.

 

 

ANYWAY.... I recognize a wall when I hear one! lol

[You'reasian]

Didn't meet her on a dating site, met her on a social networking site.

 

However, she is single AND unattached.

 

If you met her on craig's list, I'd double wrap...

[jerseyboy]

To me it sounds like she is putting a wall up. She's not open to a relationship right now OR she is 100% sure she does not want a relationshp right now.

 

Either way, you'd be trying to break down a wall if you wanted to date her. And it may or may not be worth it. lol.

 

But I think that woman who say this have good reason to and are truly not ready for a relationship.... simply because they are not open to one. Although they may accept sex. In fact, the sex may be the only thing that will slowly break down the wall.

 

Okay, okay, I'm talking about me here. My wall was up but after lots of sex and time together with the guy I fell in love with him... he totally brought down my wall. Only thing was that by that time it was too late.

 

Shivers. I think it was too late. He's still there but we're definitely off right now. So I'm just moving on without him of course.

 

 

ANYWAY.... I recognize a wall when I hear one! lol

 

 

lol

 

 

..

[b52s]

To me it sounds like she is putting a wall up. She's not open to a relationship right now OR she is 100% sure she does not want a relationshp right now.

 

Either way, you'd be trying to break down a wall if you wanted to date her. And it may or may not be worth it. lol.

 

But I think that woman who say this have good reason to and are truly not ready for a relationship.... simply because they are not open to one. Although they may accept sex. In fact, the sex may be the only thing that will slowly break down the wall.

 

Okay, okay, I'm talking about me here. My wall was up but after lots of sex and time together with the guy I fell in love with him... he totally brought down my wall. Only thing was that by that time it was too late.

 

Shivers. I think it was too late. He's still there but we're definitely off right now. So I'm just moving on without him of course.

 

 

ANYWAY.... I recognize a wall when I hear one! lol

 

If he was able to have sex with you, that means he broke your wall the first time you made love.

[b52s]

Also, she might not be ready to date now...but I'm very familiar with this region of town she lives in...it's rather "backwater" and everyone her age is married with 3 kids in this neck of woods. And the only options are 80+ World War II vets or toothless rednecks. lol

 

So, for someone approaching 30, it might get lonely pretty fast.

[CLC2008]

I figured, what the heck I'll ask her to coffee. She's cool with it, however she said since she did NOT know wether I was asking as a friend or as a potential date, (whatever POTENTIAL date is, lol)

 

She said she is going to put this out there...

 

She also said:

 

I'm really just looking for friends right now. So much so that I had a date scheduled for next weekend and I canceled it.

 

(not sure why she would cancel, poor guy, lol)

 

I just wanted you to be aware of that just in case you were thinking of a date. Didn't want to get your hopes up, but I am always up for meeting new people and making friends. :-)

I think she was pretty straightforward with you, so why are you still offering/agreeing to go for coffee with her? A better response for you to give her would have been, "well if your interested in more then friends, give me a call".

 

A social networking site, is not really meant to be for dating. There are plenty of resources online geared towards that specifically (i.e. match.com).

 

On the flip side, my younger sister just reconnected with someone through Facebook, but it was someone she went to highschool with many years ago, and now they're dating.

 

I just don't see why you would want to put yourself in this situation, where you approach a woman randomly on a social networking site, and she says "lets just be friends" right from the gate.