SoulSearch_CO Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 What's the purpose in dating? In getting into a relationship? I look around me on this board and the problems are constant. Now, I understand that there are a disproportionate number of people dissatisfied with relationships on this board because of the very nature of this place (people looking for help, or just to complain). But looking out into the real world, there is failure after failure after failure. Relationships just don't last. My mom is divorced (several times). 3 of her 4 children have been through one failed marriage, already. 2 of those 3 are in their second marriages. So we have 3 married couples. I know 2 of the marriages well enough to comment. There's pretty constant fighting. They talk to each other with disrespectful tones and snarky attitudes. Is that necessary in EVERY marriage? I seriously haven't seen one yet where they don't snap at each other completely unapologetically. So it looks to me like most marriages fade into being complacent and disinterested (as in: not unhappy enough to divorce), hateful enough to divorce, or just two people that enjoy driving each other as close as possible to checking into the psych ward. Alright - so you'd think with my cynicism that I'm having an awful time dating. On the contrary - the current guy I'm seeing is easily the best I've ever been with as far as compatibility. I adore the hell out of him. But part of me keeps him at arm's length. I guess the biggest thing I'm afraid of in getting deeply involved with somebody again is when that "spark," that "magic," whatever it was that initially drew us together, starts to fade away. I had what I thought was a fairytale when I got involved with my now-XH. Things fell hard and fast - breaking my heart and introducing a dark cynicism. I lost a good amount of my romanticism. I'd like to hear what people think about long term when they go out into the dating world. When you find "the one," do you imagine you'll be with that person forever and actually be HAPPY together? Or are you okay with the time-old-image of the nagging wife/disinterested husband? Or do you think, "I'll be trading in for a new model in 7 years when the 'love' fades, anyway?"
Yukikazi Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Love is a trick that DNA plays to get us to reproduce
spookie Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I've loved someone before, but we were lousy at communication. The passion didn't fade. The fighting was just emotionally unsustainable. Hopefully one day I'll find someone I can love just as much, and we won't drive each other crazy.
Chubbi Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I think I can love someone for a long time. I've never loved anyone in a relationship before so when I do find a boyfriend, I am going to be grateful and cherish him.
Johnny M Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 What's the purpose in dating? In getting into a relationship? I look around me on this board and the problems are constant. Now, I understand that there are a disproportionate number of people dissatisfied with relationships on this board because of the very nature of this place (people looking for help, or just to complain). But looking out into the real world, there is failure after failure after failure. Relationships just don't last. It's a sign of our times. We live in a highly dysfunctional society, so it should com as no surprise that relationships between people are dysfunctional as well.
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 LS is a place of heartbreak SS_C. It's not the place to be looking for functional, lasting relationships. The only ones you'll see here, are the few members who've survived trauma and have chosen to stick around to help and/or have formed friendships here. You can look at relationships from a cynical perspective, that they all end, or you can look at each as a life experience, one where the vast majority of each relationship is happy, full of good memories, memories worth preserving. Whether they end well or not, end or not, doesn't matter. You've survived, haven't you? Not only have you survived, you've now found a happy relationship and learned what doesn't work for you.
pricillia Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Relationships are a learning experience, sometimes the person that you are in a realtionship with is on a different page then you are. Relationships are work HARD work. When people say that I love him or I love her sometimes you really don't know what that means and then you find out that hey I really didn't love them I thought that I was in love by that time it is too late your married have three kids and are thinking about your next way out. I feel like couple should take time to get to know eachother to see if they are compatible before jumping in. Someone once told me that some relationships are stepping stones and that you learn from every relationship your in. I think that it is good that you are keeping your new date at arms length in the beginning take it in steps there is nothing wrong with that.
alphamale Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Someone once told me that some relationships are stepping stones and that you learn from every relationship your in. if thats the case i'll be dead before i hit chapter 3
pricillia Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 if thats the case i'll be dead before i hit chapter 3 no way...............
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 I guess I'm just curious if it's possible to have a relationship that's full of passion without it turning into bickering. It seems that those that have great passion end up fighting with each other all the time. The ones that don't fight at all, IMO, there's not much PASSION or FIRE. Which sounds boring. LOL When I say it sounds boring - I mean to not have that all-encompassing desire and passion for one's SO - not the lack of fighting part. I'd like to skip the fighting. For sure, I have definitely learned new ways of dealing with things. I've matured and grown by leaps and bounds because of my failed marriage. And I've definitely pulled those lessons into the current relationship. But I'm trying to decide if it's all worth it. Is it going to fizzle? Or is it going to last a long time, but end up boring? Nobody knows the answer to these questions, I know. And you never know until you give it a shot. I guess I'm just disillusioned because of what I THOUGHT relationships were about and actually seeing how they really can be, now. It makes me tired just thinking about it.
threebyfate Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 SSC, we have a lot of passion but barely any drama. I wouldn't trade my marriage for any other kind, particularly another drama-coaster ride. In drama-coaster ride relationships, the reason the highs feel so high, is the contrast against the horrific lows. Don't be fooled into believing this is what love is all about.
Sam Spade Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Cynicism is great, but you've got to have a sense of humor about it. But I strongly disagree with your classification of marriages. There is also the kind of marriage where people don't expect to be happy all the time, or even most the time, but they are happy on average and are happy to put the hours in. THE biggest problem with relationships today is a hideous sense of entitlement: everybody feels that they deserve the "top of the line" of everything, and the problem is that in most areas of life it is actually possible - consumer goods, services, etc. - somewhat attainable aspirations, fueled by brital marketing The problem is when the same expectation is extended to relationships.
espec10001 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 There are many different kinds of love. I'm sure we've all experienced the different forms: love of friends, love of family, romantic love, love of a hobby, love of a child. Love comes in so many forms. Romantic love, sadly, is ignited by a strong burst of flame but quickly dies out. It usually ends as it begins. We need to cultivate the ever burning love, the one that stays lit through windy times and through rainfall. Cultivating this ever burning flame of love is difficult, and takes much time. This is the one love that we have the most difficulty with, the universal love: love for all that is, was, and will be.
Woggle Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 True romantic love is pretty much impossible in this day and age. It's a dying concept if not dead already.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 THE biggest problem with relationships today is a hideous sense of entitlement: everybody feels that they deserve the "top of the line" of everything, and the problem is that in most areas of life it is actually possible - consumer goods, services, etc. - somewhat attainable aspirations, fueled by brital marketing The problem is when the same expectation is extended to relationships. I agree with this very much. I also think that as humans we will always crave that connection, so even if you can't find a "point" to it as you say, the desire for intimacy and a deeper connection with a member of the opposite (or same, depending) sex is just a fundamental human function that doesn't really go away. If it's marriage you're skeptical of, eliminate that from your radar for the time being. You can have a loving and intimate relationship and just let it grow on its own, without the pressure and preconceived ideals that come along with marriage. You don't have to marry this guy for him to know how much you care about him, right?
espec10001 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 True romantic love is pretty much impossible in this day and age. It's a dying concept if not dead already. No, it will return. When it will happen I don't know, but I know it will happen. As fast as the world is spinning now it will slow down, and we will once again be able to see that what we've been searching for all our lives was right in front of us this whole time. Great empires fall, and they return. Great cities are build up, and come down they must. Wars are ended and peace begins. Love flies away but it always returns! Do not worry, it is always darkest before the dawn!
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Gees, espec - you're rather poetic. If it's marriage you're skeptical of, eliminate that from your radar for the time being. You can have a loving and intimate relationship and just let it grow on its own, without the pressure and preconceived ideals that come along with marriage. You don't have to marry this guy for him to know how much you care about him, right? Oh, dry heave. Goodness. Marriage. The very last thing I will be considering for quite awhile. I'm skeptical of romantic relationships in general. But marriage just seems a good way to net the other person so they can't escape as easily - making poor treatment of each other easier. I've seen FAR too much of this going on everywhere. Makes me really sad. And very reluctant to get married again.
neowulf Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Gees, espec - you're rather poetic. Oh, dry heave. Goodness. Marriage. The very last thing I will be considering for quite awhile. I'm skeptical of romantic relationships in general. But marriage just seems a good way to net the other person so they can't escape as easily - making poor treatment of each other easier. I've seen FAR too much of this going on everywhere. Makes me really sad. And very reluctant to get married again. I can sympathise with you SoulSearch, yet in the end I suppose all we can do is act in good faith with one another and try to stay true to the course. I can't begin to count the number of things I learnt about myself and relationships from my own failed 6 year experience. As much pain as it caused, I wouldn't be the man I am today without her and that experience. Nothing lasts. It's a simple truth I think we all struggle with. Perhaps the goal is to just let it go and enjoy the moments of happiness we have as we find them.. and learn to let go when relationships are past their due date. Personally I've learn that a relationship can only last when those in it are truly commited to it. I've improved at recognising what commitment really looks like in a person.. and it isn't flashy gifts or romantic gestures. All we can do is our best and hope to find the courage to face the pain again should it fail.
Cora Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Eh I think a happy, loving, lasting relationship is only what people make of it. I don't think you can find happiness, but I think you can create it with the right person. I don't think it is something that is so simple and will just fall right into your lap without any work at all. I don't know....sometimes I think it's all a bunch of bologna. What do I know though? I have never had a happy, loving, lasting relationship and may never. I don't know what it takes to be in or to much less keep one. I don't know the purpose of it all. I mean I know we all crave the companionship of another human being, but once we get that do we suddenly fall into this pattern and things start to get old? Does it suddenly become too much work to keep up the relationship? Is that when the bickering and the arguments start? Is there really a such thing as true love where people can get past all of that and stay together forever? I know many people do, but hell I have no idea how they do it. I guess if you are lucky enough to find that person then you have a chance of keeping it together. I know my parents have been married for almost forty years now and all they ever do is bicker and argue and call each other the most profane names. They are still together, but yet are always at each others throats. Is that love? I don't know. I have no clue what real love is.
New Again Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I'd like to hear what people think about long term when they go out into the dating world. When you find "the one," do you imagine you'll be with that person forever and actually be HAPPY together? Or are you okay with the time-old-image of the nagging wife/disinterested husband? Or do you think, "I'll be trading in for a new model in 7 years when the 'love' fades, anyway?" I'm so not romantic. But I do believe that if I find the right person we will be happy together - not the nagging wife/disinterested husband or disposable wife/husband attitude. I was much more cynical about this before I met my bf though. I never thought it could possibly be so easy to be with someone.
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