chrissy001 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I had a friend that was "crazy" about me from the minute he met me in 9th grade. I immediately put him in the "friend zone." He remained there all through HS, while I had a steady boyfriend. He never tried to break us up, but everyone, including our parents were AWARE of his feelings. When me & the boyfriend broke up, he pretty much demanded I go out w/ him. Being broken-hearted, I didn't and the friendship dissolved. I looked back on it as him being selfish, immature, and inconsiderate of my feelings. 15 years later (now) he sought me out. Both being divorced, we reacquainted. Immediately, it was like no time had past but better. Then, he just completely shut down. He used the excuse, we hadn't seen each other in 15 years, so we needed to see how things went first (and that's why he was acting separated). We planned a trip about a month in advance and were talking in the interm. During the trip, things were incredible..... We had A LOT of off the charts sex......probably both feeling like we were teenagers again. We thououghly enjoyed one another's company, laughed/cut up like old times, and BOTH felt completely natural & comfortable around one another. But yet he still seemed "closed off," continuing to make "lame excuses" about us being together. Upon returning home, I needed clarity. I told him I was fine w/ either way....but I needed to know, he couldn't ride the fence...he needed to pick a side. Either we be friends w/out benefits or try & make a go at it as a couple. He got ANGRY.... It didn't go well. Needlesstosay, I DIDN'T get the clarity. In a subsequent conversation, I asked what had triggered the closing off, and he said cause I asked him to move here in 6 months. Which just wasn't true, he readily admitted I was persistent on NO LESS THEN 1 1/2 years. And while I was there, I made it CLEAR we were looking more a 4-5 year time line, because I'm in law school and need to finish and pass the bar first and said if anything I would move there (after that time). So his "excuse" was re-written history that never happened. ---What I remember (from a few weeks ago) it seems he closed off after kinda outwardly admitting that if he "let me in," I had "the POWER to DISTRUCT" his world..... Now, a little background on me...During our conversations, I made him aware of the things that had occurred in my life over the past 15 years. To include my ex-husband having a very explicit extra-material affair with "my best-friend." I forwarned him as a result, communication, emotions, and sex were very difficult areas for me to deal with.... (Back to present) He still has afforded me no clarity, if anything made things MORE CONFUSING & HURTFUL. The thing he doesn't realize is as a result, he's already been trusted back into "the friend zone," which he seems unwilling to accept. Yet, it seems like he's wanting to seek "local companionship." Back ground on him: He's been through a lot, has closed out a lot of people in his life, and seem to be an alcoholic. ---------So here's my physio analysis, please let me know from the male perspective if I'm on point & why or why not.-------------------------------------------------------------------- He got scared as HELL by the fact, that his feeling for me....could be the cause of his detriment (even though I assurred him otherwise). Therefore, he closed off to the idea of "happily ever after," because that was too risky & volunerable for him. Consequently, he also closed off to the idea of "dating" because I am not phyiscally there (readily available) to fulfill his co-dependent needs. Accordingly, I was only available to satisfy an immediate need and sexual desire because he closed off the idea to any other possibilities????---------------One side note, it is undisputed that we care for eachother more at this point, then we probably did in HS (which seemed to be a great deal). So, it's not a total disregard in feeling.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- So is it all the above (OR) simply a guy fulfilling his HS sexual fantasy desires (w/ total disregard of the other person's feelings)----the HARSH reality that is)? Which would bring us back to the orginial dissolution of our friendship, where he was being selfish, immature, & inconsiderate of my feelings.... GUYS--- don't think I'm asking b/c I want to "win him over." As I mentioned, as a result, he has been cast back to a "friend only zone," in which he does not seem to be happy about. I have no room in my life for an *******, intentional or NOT and I have made that clear. I am merely asking....in order to get a better idea of the male mindset (I can't discuss this w/ guys in my life....too much personal info) (none of them need to hear or know about my sex life). I am wanting insight into the male mind...........because it is BAFFLING!!!! Thanks for the feedback.
jerseyboy Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Really difficult to say. He may just be needy, and you arent giving the verbal reassurqnce he needs the way he thinks he does. Embarassing admission but I always quaslify myself as high maintenance. I am and I know I am, you work on it but some things are instinctive. It has nothing to do with women. It predates my ever dating. I had a very bad childhood, not to blame it on that but it was horrific in some ways, and you develop coping mechanisms that are difficult for even a rational person to completely overcome. Mine was I became very independent and self sufficient. I find it very difficult to count on people, even when they deserve it. At some point soon into a relationship I think may be going somewhere I try to explain it to the person, in brutal honesty. They have a right to know. They'll see it anyway because I have very xpressive eyes, and I can feel it myself in my eyes. Not anger, just more like a you no longer matter to me kind of thing. Its not horribad, but for example. Dont ever say you are going to leave me, you want to break up. Even if you come back 5 minutes later and apologize for saying it. I dont get angry. I dont yell. I dont call people names. But inside I do translate it as this person isnt reliable, dont invest in them. Not to say that olne time and its over , but I think I do start looking at them differently. Like there was one girl I really liked, and she had a lot of insecurities, and I understand I can bring that out in some people. Not intentionally but just reality. Like ex gf's trying to get back in touch. Or people hitting on you etc. She would get pissed of because waitresses she said would totally ignore her and flirt with me when they came to get an order. If they did it was nothing obvious, and part was definitely her insecurity. But she would get angry at me, and yelling about how I had too much f'ing baggage with women, and she couldnt take it, and it would be best if we broke up. And it wasnt that I didnt care about her, or was t4rying to play some game with her. A part of me realizes shes just looking for reasurance when it would happen, and I did try to reassure her at other times. But when she said that I had my own things going on, and so I would be like if thats what you want I understand. And Id leave. Shed call with why wont you fight for us, why dont I matter to you. Definitely two people with issues who shouldnt of been together. And Id tell ehr talk to me, but dont threaten to leave. She wouldnt stop so eventually I left.
Author chrissy001 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 I think you're definitely on point w/ a lot of what you said.
TheWooWooKid Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 He is probably bitter. Most important things in law school: 1) Name of the school; and 2) Grades Don't let some guy mess up #2. Block him out of your life if you need to.
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I think you're definitely on point w/ a lot of what you said. I dont know how helpful I can be. I dont know him. Assuming hes sincere I would be thinking..... 1)He may carry some insecurity still over his perception that you rejected him when he was younger. Not necessarily bitterness, but a feeling that you were never his first choice. Its not rational, but people arent rational. Were emotional beings. The fact that you are still effectively, via distance, unavailable (even if it is law school) doesnt help. 2) If hes like me, the distance is really a big issue. Some people can make it work Im sure. I dont think I could. And it isnt just about trust or sex, although it could be. Again I dont know him. Just things like..I dont know, girls like to tlak about their problems, or so it seems. Im not like that, I dont get catharsis talking about it. And they want you to talk about it. But really, a lot of times all you really need is to be around her. Its enough, and more than enough. But is shes not there, no amount of talking on the phone is going to help And people saying things, its ok, but not the same as them showing you. Everyone wants to hear stuff like I love you, but they say it casually running out the door type of thing. But like for example I was madly in love with this girl. She would do this thing where she would just out of nowhere come over and hug me really tight and wouldnt let go. LOL, like crushing your bones tight.Like she was trying to pull you inside of her. And it was probably around the first time when I asked what was that about. And shes moving her hands like trying to find the words and she says "I dont know, its like a love burst" And I totally got it. I felt the same way. Just felt like you should literally be one person. So from then on whenever she did it, she would just say love burst and do it. And I would be on cloud 9. I could feel how much she loved me. She didnt have to say anything Ironically enough it was a similar situation,although we were together years before she had to leave for med school. And the more you feeel for someone, the more unbearable the situation. I think its probably easier to stay together when the feelings arent as strong. Wasnt trust issues. If we hadnt had sex in a year, and the baby was black, and she told me it was mine, I would of believed her. Not in a foolish way, I just knew I could always trust her. It was like constant withdrawal. That kind of pain, Like you cant think of anythign else but your next fix (or how I imagine it would feel, never did drugs). And you feel liek you cant fucntion because its all you think about. There was never another girl, or wanting to be with another girl. Anyone else would just make you feel lonelier anyway. They werent her. Breaking up with her was the hardest thing in the world. It was even on the phone, I couldnt of done it in person. And worse she knew when I called. Before I even said it, she said you are going to break up with me. uggh
Author chrissy001 Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 #2 The grades... yes I am in the top of my class and HOPING to maintain.... So, fortunately, I don't have time to ponder on this stuff too---much. Whereas, we're on the brink of finals. So by the time I am to come back to addressing it, it will literally be a passing thought. I really like this site because being a divorcee, post-marital dating is so-----much harder then pre-martial dating. Think I will definitely utilize this site as a resource to help get through the painstaking process.
Author chrissy001 Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Very helpful & insightful... Thanks jerseyboy
Author chrissy001 Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 One nice thing about law school is it's been a lifestyle change. Literally, it's such a burden in and of itself.... that I "keep things light." Literally, anything that "weighs me down," I get rid of because law school is "heavy enough" without any "added weight." Been very nice to keep life "light & simple." Hopefully, that will be a lifestyle change I maintain post-law school.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 So is it all the above (OR) simply a guy fulfilling his HS sexual fantasy desires (w/ total disregard of the other person's feelings)----the HARSH reality that is)? Ha! Yeah, it is "a guy" fulfilling his HS sexual fantasy desires to be sexual with a plastic, air-filled blow-up doll who could not possibly have shared any of the draw. He has shown total disregard for the feelings of the air-filled blow-up doll, and clearly the doll doesn't have the means with which to care, even if 'she' had a right to.
Author chrissy001 Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Ouch! That's harsh. Not sure why I'm being referred to as a blow-up doll. Is that something guys think about? Like that movie (can't remember the name of it). Don't think it's that though, because he seems sincere in his efforts. He just does not understand that I have no place for an a**hole in my life, whether it's intentional/not or direct/indirect.
jerseyboy Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Ha! Yeah, it is "a guy" fulfilling his HS sexual fantasy desires to be sexual with a plastic, air-filled blow-up doll who could not possibly have shared any of the draw. He has shown total disregard for the feelings of the air-filled blow-up doll, and clearly the doll doesn't have the means with which to care, even if 'she' had a right to. Most girls will never understand that. No way to really communicate it in a way that makes sense. I dont think thats the case here though
Author chrissy001 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Jerseyboy, congrats on the proposal. Way to go, sounds like you have it all taken care of. Just curious, the med-school gf you talked about, why did ya'll break up? Was it because of med-school? Congrats again!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Ouch! That's harsh. Not sure why I'm being referred to as a blow-up doll. Because, like a blow-up doll, you seem to take no responsibility for any of the path down which your social life/this romance has evolved. "We planned a trip...We had A LOT of off the charts sex... we were teenagers again... We thououghly enjoyed... BOTH felt completely natural & comfortable around one another" How in the world did "We" accomplish all of that, and then evolve to him, singularly, "fulfilling his HS sexual fantasy desires" ??? You don't seem to see yourself as having been any part of that, or at all to blame for how it evolved.
Author chrissy001 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Not true. I did recognize my "post-divorce" issues as playing into the mix. And as jerseyboy pointed out in the first reply...two people dealing w/ any type of issues...not a good combination Where it became, the singular action....was w/ my original ?--------- Why did he "single-handedly" close me off w/out ANY valid reason???? When directly asked, he re-wrote (recent) history w/out any REAL & VALID explaination. That's where it became singular.......Really & truly, given the conversations him & I have had since my first posting (cause him & I were BEST FRIENDS growing up & are trying to remain friends now)..................... It has nothing to do w/ me... He had a VERY ROUGH holiday weekend b/c he was home, ALONE & DRUNK... He was the latter two b/c "he doesn't let anyone IN." He CHOOSES that path. This weekend was particularly bad and became evident to more then just me.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 It has nothing to do w/ me... Let me borrow a word from Lionel Richie: "... still..."
start-fresh Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 But like for example I was madly in love with this girl. She would do this thing where she would just out of nowhere come over and hug me really tight and wouldnt let go. LOL, like crushing your bones tight.Like she was trying to pull you inside of her. And it was probably around the first time when I asked what was that about. And shes moving her hands like trying to find the words and she says "I dont know, its like a love burst" And I totally got it. I felt the same way. Just felt like you should literally be one person. So from then on whenever she did it, she would just say love burst and do it. And I would be on cloud 9. I could feel how much she loved me. She didnt have to say anything Hugs are way underrated! OP, to be brief, I think this is more of a defense mechanism. I think this guy is worried about you rejecting him again. Also, you claiming you can put him in the friendzone at your own convenience sounds kind of conceited, IMO. I don't know that there's really much you can do about it other than being patient if you thing he'll work through it himself.
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