Eeyore79 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I've been single for a good few weeks so I decided to get myself out of the house by joining a music group (I used to play violin years ago so I took it up again). The guy who plays flute is my age and seems quite nice, a really decent sort of guy who teaches disabled kiddies. He keeps looking at me and smiling, acting silly which seems aimed at getting my attention and a smile from me, and he seems to go out of his way to talk to me. Last week when we had coffee break he made a beeline for me and sat down beside me, and he started telling me about his job and what sort of music he likes and so on, and he stayed sitting beside me for as long as possible until he was called away. It's not the first time he's made an effort to talk to me.... He mentioned that he teaches kids but doesn't have any of his own.... but here's the catch: I noticed he's wearing a ring on his wedding finger. I'm not sure what to make of it, because it seems like a silver celtic band, and I'm not sure if it's a wedding ring or not.... but why would he have a ring on that finger if he isn't married? On the other hand, if he's married then why doesn't his wife come to the music group with him (even just as one of the singers) since he's out doing that a few nights per week, she's obviously not staying home with children, and there are lots of young women there who she could be friends with. I've talked to him quite a bit, and no wife has ever been mentioned, not even when he talked in quite a lot of detail about how he spends his time, and nobody has ever mentioned him having a wife either. I guess I'm kind of confused why he's giving me all the signs of flirting and yet he's wearing a ring on his wedding finger. He seems like a genuine guy who works with disabled kiddies, chats to the elderly people in the group and cracks jokes, and does another music group working with kids; what I mean is he seems like a decent sort of guy who wouldn't flirt or cheat if he actually did have a wife. It seems really rude to just come out and ask him if he's married, especially since he hasn't clearly expressed an interest in me beyond what I interpreted as flirtation, and I daren't ask anyone else in case it gets back to him or they think I have a crush on him or something, which would be embarrassing. I don't want to seem too flirtatious in case he is married, but I don't want to seem too cold in case he isn't. Aaah, I just wanted to rant a bit.... what do I do? At present I'm sitting tight and just waiting for things to pan out... if he is married I guess it'll come out at some point, if not then maybe he'll ask me on a date or something. But he must be married or else he wouldn't have a ring on that finger.... would he?
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 How about, "How long have you been married?" LOL Then if he IS married, it doesn't look like you've been trying to hit on a married guy and if he ISN'T married - he'll be the embarrassed one that he's wearing a ring on that finger. If he says he isn't, just point at the ring and say, "Oh." Seriously - no need to explain anything. I wouldn't.
Boundary Problem Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Well the holidays are coming up. Ask him what his plans are for xmas. If he has a wife, he will spend them with her. He could just be friendly. I don't know any man who wears a ring on that finger unless he's married or in some sort of serious relationship. Or even better, tell him you like the design on the ring and see if he blurts out the info you are wondering about.
Author Eeyore79 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Haha, and how do I work THAT into the conversation? Just stroll up to him and casually say "How long have you been married then?" !!! I'm not a great conversationalist at the best of times, I think such subterfuge might be beyond me
Author Eeyore79 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Well the holidays are coming up. Ask him what his plans are for xmas. If he has a wife, he will spend them with her. Ohhh good idea!!! I'll ask him whether he's looking forward to Xmas and what he's doing for the holidays. But if he says he's spending it with his parents, then what? That doesn't mean there isn't a wife who's accompanying him to his parents house.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 It sounded like you guys were chatty with each other - kind of getting to know one another and in enough of a comfort zone to ask questions about each others' lives. I wouldn't cold-ask that question. LOL As for the parent question, I'd probably roll out with, "Oh, you guys are only going to see yours?" LOL But then - I tend to maybe be a tad nosey with people and ask personal questions. It gives me an idea REAL quick if it's somebody I'd be interested in depending on how they handle the questions.
Boundary Problem Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Ohhh good idea!!! I'll ask him whether he's looking forward to Xmas and what he's doing for the holidays. But if he says he's spending it with his parents, then what? That doesn't mean there isn't a wife who's accompanying him to his parents house. If you open with the holiday discussion and find you are spinning your wheels, then switch gears to the "beautiful design" on the ring discussion. My experience is that guys communicate pretty clearly if they are interested.
Thornton Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I inherited my grandmother's wedding ring, and I sometimes wear it on my wedding finger (the only finger it fits) despite being unmarried. I also sometimes wear rings given to me by exes, though the relationship is over and I don't wear the rings on my wedding finger. I have been asked before about my "husband" and have admitted that it's my grandmother's wedding ring and I'm not married. However if this man wasn't married, you'd think he'd avoid wearing a ring on that finger in case he scared off potential dates. I always worry about that when I wear my grandmother's ring... if I meet an attractive man I hastily take it off, lol. I advise proceeding as if this man was married... be nice, be friendly, try not to assume he's being flirtatious and just see it as friendliness. If he's unmarried and wants to date you, he'll let you know; in the face of such uncertainty there isn't really anything else you can do, unless you can find out somehow if he is married or not.
InspiredbyYou Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Nah, you can't ask him that yet it would be completely disjointed. You wait until the conversation gets more personal like talking of interests outside of your class etc, THEN you ask him. For the record I don't know any man that wears a ring on the wedding finger for fun/fashion. He's married.
Author Eeyore79 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 My experience is that guys communicate pretty clearly if they are interested. Well that's the thing.... I thought he WAS communicating pretty clearly that he was interested! Until I noticed the ring, that is. He was chatty, smiley, acting goofy like guys do when they want to impress you... maybe you're right and he is just friendly. I really thought he was going out of his way to talk to me though, and he made eye contact enough to make me feel a little uncomfortable, you know like how you feel when someone has a crush and they stare at you for longer than is comfortable and do a big smile? I'll try to work it into the conversation to find out if he's married or not, and in the meantime I'll remain friendly but no more.
dressing up Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 But I don't understand why people aren't upfront enough to talk about their SOs. I think it's quite easy to put it in daily conversations since their SOs will more likely than not be a big part of their lives. What's with these people?
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Ask him what he and his wife are doing for the holidays. It's that simple.
jerseyboy Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 LOL The stuff peopel put themselves through He has a ring on his finger. Of course you ask. He was probably thinkig you knew and it didnt matter to you lol No guy is that clueless
2sunny Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 when you're talking to him - pay close attention. does he ever use the word "WE" when he answers? most MM will eventually use "we" when talking about what they did for the weekend, etc... this tells you he's definitely married - unless he specifies who the "we" is and it's someone other than his wife. he's wearing a ring on his finger that indicates married... easy assumption he is... so if he's giving off MAJOR signals he is interested - he just may very well be - that indicates he's in the market for an OW - do you want that to be you? your answer to that question will determine what course of action you are willing to take... either you want a MM or you don't. if you don't - then don't continue to flirt with him. set the boundary so you allow him to understand that you don't intend to be his OW.
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