How do you date a "commitmentphobe"?

[fallendisguise]

I met a guy a couple months back and we hit it off right away. He texts or calls several times a day, always asks about the things I tell him are going on in my life, we see each other a couple times a week. Things are basically going great. Neither one of us want to rush into anything right away. From my previous posts, I'm sure you can tell I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe too. I date guys that are always emotionally unavailable and try to stick around until it changes. The thing is I've always known it wouldn't and I'm pretty sure I do that so I don't have to "invest" a lot and get hurt. My new guy and I have talked about our views on relationships and he has had one serious relationship so I know he is capable of it. If he is dating a girl and doesn't think she is relationship material he will stop dating her (not keep her around for sex like I've had done to me many a time). He also doesn't date for the sake of it. He waits until he finds someone he is interested in. He doesn't believe in jumping into anything right away because he wants to give all of himself to a relationship and takes it very seriously. So basically, in my opinion, he has a level head when it comes to that type of thing. However, he has said that it takes him longer than most to develop feelings and when he starts to get close he will often find himself shutting down.

 

For the first time, I feel like I'm in a normal dating situation and not a friends with benefits situation. I am trying to stay as open as possible and not freak out by the idea of it turning into a serious relationship. In other words, I am trying to be open in expressing my feelings and not pushing away when I get too close. I feel that this does have the potential to go somewhere and I really do like him. However, I do not want to rush it either. The problem I have with him is that he will tell me he misses me or is thinking of me, but whenever I say those kinds of things to him I get nothing in return. He might make a joke or will take longer than usual to reply. If we have a night that seems more affectionate than normal the next few days he seems a little distant. I don't know how to approach this or try to work it out with him because we have only been dating a few months and I don't want him to feel that I am trying to put pressure on him to move things a long more quickly. It makes it hard for me to express myself after those times because he "shuts down" and then I feel that I need to push away and protect myself.

 

Is there a reason he is doing this? And how can I try to work this out with him? I am ok with going slow, but I am starting to get frustrated with the moving forward and then pulling back with emotions. I am finally in a situation where I feel comfortable, aside from this, and don't need to overanalyze every single thing he says or does. I am afraid though that I will start doing that if this continues. Please help!

[fallendisguise]

One more thing.. not sure if this means a lot, but he invites me out with his friends and I have met quite a few of them. BUT, whenever I invite hi out with mine... like say I have a friends get together to go to and would like to bring him as a date he doesn't ever reply with a yes or no. He'll change the subject and never tell me if he will go. So I end up not bringing him. He asks about them and how things are going with them, but when it comes to meeting them he doesn't really express a willingness too yet.

[pandagirl]

Do you realize you are repeating your pattern of dating an emotionally available man?

 

He has given you all the signs. Proceed with caution.

[leap83]

I believe communication is the key here. Instead of typing this up on LS, why don't you nicely open up the lines of communication and tell him you're feeling upset about this and this because of this. You're both the same type, so he should be able to understand your position as well.

[fallendisguise]

Pandagirl - Yes, I do realize that is he is emotionally unavailable to some extent. I guess given prior experiences with guys who only want to have friends with benefit I am maybe looking at this with rose colored glasses. He does tell me how he feels about me, missing me, thinking about me, etc. So him opening up about it doesn't seem to be a problem, it's when I return it that he shuts down. He is open to having a relationship, but wants to take things slow. I get that. I guess I am just not sure if this is a permanent thing or if this is him being cautious?

 

Leap83 - I agree that I do need to communicate with him and us being similar does give me an advantage in being open to seeing his side. The last time we did sort of talk about this was about exclusivity and the conversation went well, but again the next few days were "off." I gave him some space and then everything was fine.

[muse08]

Try not to freak out just yet, or at all really. I completely understand how you're feeling. I think that more often than not people feel the same as you are describing your feelings. I'm not even sure if I would call you a committment phobe...Maybe because I think it's normal behavior(yours). But anyhoo, I think part of why you're feeling this way is because your instincts are telling you that something is a little off for exmple when he takes longer than normal to respond to your verbal affection. Really, it kind of seems like a form of control on his part. Try doing the same to him ONCE...and see how he responds. Then let him know right away that you were only joking, so that you don't start playing games. If anything, it's a way to break the ice regarding that issue. The fact that he has "forewarned" you should not excuse that type of behavior. However, you are aware and since it makes you uncomfortable (I'd feel bothered by it as well) you should continue the openess and discuss it with him "lightly", yet firmly. Meaning, I don't think you need to make it seem like a huge issue by saying "We need to talk...", but I think you should bring it up now before you start holding a grudge and harboring anger. This will cause a cycle.

 

IMO, when you let someone know how you feel about a certain issue upfront, and they still do it after you have discussed it, you can proceed more confidently. Meaning that you'll feel better being honest and if the behavior continues, you can weigh your options sooner than later as to whether or not you want to proceed with the relationship.

 

We cannot change people, but people can change themselves if THEY want to. Also, everyone has a different level of tolerance. If you think you can deal with him acting like he doesn't hear you saying sweet things, etc. then maybe it is minute when looking at the big picture. But I don't think you will be comfortable with that and I'm sure he wouldn't like it being done to him...

[InspiredbyYou]

Pandagirl - He does tell me how he feels about me, missing me, thinking about me, etc. So him opening up about it doesn't seem to be a problem, it's when I return it that he shuts down. He is open to having a relationship, but wants to take things slow. I get that. I guess I am just not sure if this is a permanent thing or if this is him being cautious?

 

 

 

Because to a commitmentphobe it's solely about him and never about anyone BUT him. HE misses you, HE is thinking about you, HE, HE, HE...when you share what you are feeling he doesn't care. TYPICAL.

 

Look cut your loses, do some work on yourself to overcome your own demons for your commitment issues and find a man who is looking to share a life not just take and give nothing in return. You don't get a commitmentphobe to overcome, only he can. It won't be with you by his side. They need to first acknowledge they have this tendency and secondly they need to do the appropriate work to overcome their issues. Sorry I don't have better news to share with you. I was involved with a commitmentphobe who blindsided me when I least expected it, mind you I didn't realize he had issues at the time, and in time it was crystal clear. You live you learn.

[muse08]

I was involved with a commitmentphobe who blindsided me when I least expected it, mind you I didn't realize he had issues at the time, and in time it was crystal clear. You live you learn.

 

Hi INSPIREDByYOU. I was just curious as to how you handled your situation with the committmentphobe. I've dealt with one or two myself. What did he do, if you don't mind sharing? Did you tell him you didn't want to see him anymore or did you just cut him off NC? Did it fade out, etc...?

 

Please expound, it will help myself and fallendisguise.

 

Thanks!

[fallendisguise]

Muse08 - Thank you for the reply. Funny enough, it makes me feel a little bit more normal, at least about myself.. LOL. I have thought about doing what you suggested before, but was worried that it would come across as me playing games. He had been out of town and was coming home recently and said he'd really like to see me and missed me and I did the "LOL" reply. He made a big deal out of it in a joking sense. Kind of like "I said all that and all I get is an LOL!" I do want to see where this goes and not simply cut him off as suggested by other posters just because he is a lil phobic I guess you could say. I have been there so I can relate to him on some level. I don't think it necessarily means that he doesn't want to progress or doesn't have feelings. I guess based on my own experiences I take it as being a lil gun shy and unsure of putting one's self out there.

[muse08]

Muse08 - Thank you for the reply. Funny enough, it makes me feel a little bit more normal, at least about myself.. LOL. I have thought about doing what you suggested before, but was worried that it would come across as me playing games. He had been out of town and was coming home recently and said he'd really like to see me and missed me and I did the "LOL" reply. He made a big deal out of it in a joking sense. Kind of like "I said all that and all I get is an LOL!" I do want to see where this goes and not simply cut him off as suggested by other posters just because he is a lil phobic I guess you could say. I have been there so I can relate to him on some level. I don't think it necessarily means that he doesn't want to progress or doesn't have feelings. I guess based on my own experiences I take it as being a lil gun shy and unsure of putting one's self out there.

 

you're welcome! but to be clear, i DO NOT think his behavior should be accepted as normal. i just think that your feelings and reservations are normal in REACTION to his behavior.

 

if he doesn't change that issue, it could become controlling...emotionally. and you will not feel good about the relationship and eventually start feeling bad about yourself if you're not careful. so do proceed with caution.

[InspiredbyYou]

Hi Muse08 I will gladly expand on my story since if my experience can open the eyes of other women who fall prey to these types of self-absorbed jerks then I will gladly share.

 

He basically did all the things you described, he always told me he missed me or was thinking about me or was crazy about me or was completely and utterly in love with me and yet when I would return the verbal expressions...nothing. At first I thought it was just low self esteem, or he couldn't take a compliment, but then I came to realize the man was just completely self-absorbed. He didn't really care what I felt or what I wanted it was all about what he felt when he felt things, he moved at a pace that was not comfortable for me and I felt very pressured. Then, when I finally gave in and decided to join him in the ride he did the completely unexpected. He dumped out of the blue, I had fallen ill and I hadn't heard from him all day (which was unheard of since he was always calling me and emailing me) other than a text the night before telling me how crazy in love he was with me and how much he missed me, he dumped me the next day via email. It was ridiculous. To add insult to injury when I tried to call him to get a better explanation other than "I just can't do this, I am so sorry to do this to you now that you are not well but I've been thinking about us and my heart and mind are just not into this" he refused my phone calls.

 

I cut my losses and granted him his wish, I sent him an email to wish him good luck called him a coward, told him I respected his wishes, and I moved on. A month later he emailed me out of the blue with a lame explanation about how he got cold feet and freaked out and realized he had made a huge mistake. Well that was too late too little, I deleted his email and was 100% not interested in his explanation. A man who can't express himself when he is freaking out, that had no problems expressing things such as "I love you so much" or "I miss you like crazy" the night and 100 times a day before does not deserve a second chance from me. What I have read on commitmentphobes the rubber band of taking him back and him getting cold feet can go on for months, if not years. They get off on that. NO THANK YOU very much!

 

I have since met my current boyfriend and a lot of the alarm bells went off when he came on really strong at first as well (it reminded me of the CP), but I took my time to really get to know him and observe his actions and unlike the CP he was open to my communication and makes it very clear that my disclosure is just as important as his. Very different scenario.

 

When you are on the same page your expressions don't fall on deaf ears or blind eyes, they are welcomed and appreciated and reciprocated. That's what love and respect is about, it's not about second guessing every bit of information you share with a suitor because he doesn't seem to appreciate it.

 

I wish you strength you will need a lot of it if you keep him around, and I do hope you are not hit out of left field as I was it's not fun Muse08!

[muse08]

I only emphasized that b/c i wouldn't want you to get comfortable with someone ignoring your expressions of affection. But regarding what you said, yeah you should feel very normal for recognizing when someone ignores your affection for them. Who wouldn't pull back after somebody ignores your positive verbal expressions.

[fallendisguise]

InspiredByYou I'm sorry that you had to experience that and I appreciate you trying to warn others to that type of situation.

 

No, I do not think that this is acceptable behavior which is why I want to work on it with him. We do need to talk about it if things are going to progress. I just didn't want to come across as putting pressure on something so new and wanted to make sure that I wasn't overreacting to the situation at hand.

[muse08]

I wish you strength you will need a lot of it if you keep him around, and I do hope you are not hit out of left field as I was it's not fun Muse08!

 

thank you so much for sharing!

 

fallendisguise...she's right. it's all about control, IMO. some guys like this feel the need to control something in their loves b/c everything is else is out of whack. some guys are sincerely a little slow expressing themselves and in retrospect i'd rather deal with them than a man who SAYS all the right things. i too am just dealing w/a breakup from a similar guy and another ex who is truly a CP and trying to see me again only for "benefits"...i am NOT trying to hear it.i'm not feeling him anymore and i'm learning through this breakup. fallendisguise, in time you will develop a lower tolerance for half*ss attempts to show love. IMO, love is about communication and action. a dude can talk all day long, but he better come through with something to back it up, or shut up...lol...IMO.

 

just my 3cents...

[InspiredbyYou]

Fallen you are not overreacting, if there is one thing I know for certain about men is that you should be upfront about what you are thinking and feeling (if you disapprove of his behavior or he is doing something that falls short of what you expect in terms of being respected) they will respect you so much more for it. OR like in my case you will get to the bottom of what his true colors are and he will bail. Either way it's a win situation for you. I had expressed disapproval (in a very constructive and loving way I basically told him I was not going to accept certain behaviors) two weekends before he dumped me and in his email where he did dump me he said he had been thinking about us for "a few weeks now". You do the math...hmmmm...

 

You let these things slide early on and you are making your own death bed.

Definitely speak up, don't be afraid to "scare him off". If he scares off that easily he is not the right guy for you.

[InspiredbyYou]

.she's right. it's all about control, IMO. some guys like this feel the need to control something in their loves b/c everything is else is out of whack.

 

that is precisely it Muse!! It's all about control. He was very controlling he did not respect my boundaries and when I expressed discomfort he made it a point to reel me in further by gaining my trust and the minute I let down my guard he was no longer interested, or "challenged"

It's nothing but control!

[pandagirl]

that is precisely it Muse!! It's all about control. He was very controlling he did not respect my boundaries and when I expressed discomfort he made it a point to reel me in further by gaining my trust and the minute I let down my guard he was no longer interested, or "challenged"

It's nothing but control!

 

Yes, it has a lot to do with control. If he is truly a commitmentphobe, people who have this "condition" like to stay in control, because then they won't get hurt.

 

I suspect a guy I dated was a commitmentphobe -- showed all the sign. And get this: I tried to break up with him, only for him to suggest that we think about it more, then the next day proceeded to dump ME and list all the reasons why we wouldn't work. Yes, I was power dumped.

 

You can still date him, but be mindful of your feelings. When you feel like he is not satisfying your emotional needs but, in fact, making you starved for his attention -- it's time to let this one go.

[muse08]

that is precisely it Muse!! It's all about control. He was very controlling he did not respect my boundaries and when I expressed discomfort he made it a point to reel me in further by gaining my trust and the minute I let down my guard he was no longer interested, or "challenged"

It's nothing but control!

 

yep...it almost seems like an epidemic these days, 4real...

 

my ex has been doing the exact same thing. i guess in his insane mind (i seriously feel he's a bit insane or something like that) he feels he's going to get me back in his life or make me want him more...i won't hijack your thread FALLEN, just bringing this up because my situation started exactly to yours and INSPIRED's. he was saying all the right stuff and doing nice things waaay too fast and tried getting me prego a few times and wanted us to move in together, etc. but he had drama that continue to develop as we dated. i think he wanted to control me b/c his life had some drama that he couldn't control. you can read my previous thread regarding "TRIED NC.HE WANTED ME BACK..." so now that i've decided to breakup with him he acts crazy like calling 50 times when i don't pick up.

 

one reason i broke up with him was because he started talking too fast and making promises he couldn't keep...thinking he was pleasing me with his WORDS and thinking i would just forget about the ACT...ACTIONS...

 

FALLEN...the good thing is that your relationship is still new. ur guy may change. but if and only IF, he doesn't then you now have tools and insight to help you cope.do put protection on your feelings if you continue to get bad vibes. sometimes the physical attraction can overtake our best judgement so take things slow and as INSPIRED said, don't be afraid of scaring ANY man away by being honest about what you expect or desire.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ohhh, hon, be careful with this one.

 

My last relationship was with a commitmentphobe. The 180 flip he did hurt bad.

 

My first time back out there dating... I realized a few weeks in (just a couple weeks ago) that this guy had some commitment issues, too. I broke it off with him, and I am so glad I did.

 

Be careful. See him AS HE IS, not as you want him to be or think he might be in the future.

[Boundary Problem]

sometimes the physical attraction can overtake our best judgement so take things slow and as INSPIRED said, don't be afraid of scaring ANY man away by being honest about what you expect or desire.

 

 

I agree with this. Taking things slow is the answer with a commitment phobe.

 

There is no way they will jump off the cliff right at the beginning. It isn't in their nature. They will commit - yes. But they won't deliver their heart immediately. It isn't in their nature.

 

They will see how it feels and whether they have trust and faith in the future.

 

They need to "see" how it is going to be - before they give their heart.

[tkgirl]

I agree with this. Taking things slow is the answer with a commitment phobe.

 

There is no way they will jump off the cliff right at the beginning. It isn't in their nature. They will commit - yes. But they won't deliver their heart immediately. It isn't in their nature.

 

They will see how it feels and whether they have trust and faith in the future.

 

They need to "see" how it is going to be - before they give their heart.

 

my take is all men have a little commitphobe in them... but some guys just have it way worse than others! but when they start do to the push-pull thing... that's when it's time to end it... as hard as that may be sometimes. If you can realize it's all about control with these types and they are only concerned with their feelings and not yours..well, that makes it a heck of a lot easier!

 

great thread BTW... it really opened my eyes about my last "situation".

[TheLoneSock]

Haven't read anyone elses advice, so if anything is repeated, oh well. Here's my take though.

 

I met a guy a couple months back and we hit it off right away. He texts or calls several times a day, always asks about the things I tell him are going on in my life, we see each other a couple times a week. Things are basically going great. Neither one of us want to rush into anything right away. From my previous posts, I'm sure you can tell I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe too. I date guys that are always emotionally unavailable and try to stick around until it changes. The thing is I've always known it wouldn't and I'm pretty sure I do that so I don't have to "invest" a lot and get hurt. My new guy and I have talked about our views on relationships and he has had one serious relationship so I know he is capable of it. If he is dating a girl and doesn't think she is relationship material he will stop dating her (not keep her around for sex like I've had done to me many a time). He also doesn't date for the sake of it. He waits until he finds someone he is interested in. He doesn't believe in jumping into anything right away because he wants to give all of himself to a relationship and takes it very seriously. So basically, in my opinion, he has a level head when it comes to that type of thing. However, he has said that it takes him longer than most to develop feelings and when he starts to get close he will often find himself shutting down.

 

Ok. Does it really matter what he says he is/feels/thinks if he doesn't reflect it in his actions? There is a difference between fearing commitment and having a level head. Commitment phobia is not a normal personality trait - I'll wager he wasn't always like that.

 

For the first time, I feel like I'm in a normal dating situation and not a friends with benefits situation. I am trying to stay as open as possible and not freak out by the idea of it turning into a serious relationship. In other words, I am trying to be open in expressing my feelings and not pushing away when I get too close. I feel that this does have the potential to go somewhere and I really do like him. However, I do not want to rush it either.

 

Stop thinking so much. You're only complicating something that isn't complicated. If you like him, you like him. Don't walk on eggshells.

 

The problem I have with him is that he will tell me he misses me or is thinking of me, but whenever I say those kinds of things to him I get nothing in return.

 

Alright, I get that you would want to hear reciprocated feelings from him when you say something like that, but you shouldn't be saying them just to hear him say it back, that's a poor expectation. If he says it on his own from time to time, great, take it as is. But if you think he's only saying it when he wants sex from you, then you already know the answer to this issue.

 

He might make a joke or will take longer than usual to reply. If we have a night that seems more affectionate than normal the next few days he seems a little distant. I don't know how to approach this or try to work it out with him because we have only been dating a few months and I don't want him to feel that I am trying to put pressure on him to move things a long more quickly. It makes it hard for me to express myself after those times because he "shuts down" and then I feel that I need to push away and protect myself.

 

Is there a reason he is doing this? And how can I try to work this out with him? I am ok with going slow, but I am starting to get frustrated with the moving forward and then pulling back with emotions. I am finally in a situation where I feel comfortable, aside from this, and don't need to overanalyze every single thing he says or does. I am afraid though that I will start doing that if this continues. Please help!

 

If this all boils down to you putting effort into advancing the relationship, and him putting in none at all, you may need to move on - because if he's accepting all the benefits of being in a relationship EXCEPT an emotional bond, then he probably doesn't want one with you period. In which case, he's just not that into you. To be honest it sounds like he's either an emotional wreck and acting like an indecisive little drama queen, or he's playing you. One of the two.

 

However, if you think he's for real and genuine, then my advice would be stop worrying about controlling the throttle of the relationship so much. Sometimes you just have to let go of the steering wheel and see where it goes.

[fallendisguise]

Thank you all for the much needed advice! I was out of town for the holiday so sorry for not saying thanks earlier. P.S. Thank you for sharing your experiences and yes it stinks that we've all seemed to have been in the same boat.

[CLC2008]

Yes, it has a lot to do with control. If he is truly a commitmentphobe, people who have this "condition" like to stay in control, because then they won't get hurt.

 

I suspect a guy I dated was a commitmentphobe -- showed all the sign. And get this: I tried to break up with him, only for him to suggest that we think about it more, then the next day proceeded to dump ME and list all the reasons why we wouldn't work. Yes, I was power dumped.

You can still date him, but be mindful of your feelings. When you feel like he is not satisfying your emotional needs but, in fact, making you starved for his attention -- it's time to let this one go.

 

That in itself, is very telling.