No results in online dating :(

[jerseyboy]

Link your profile so we can see

 

Maybe there4 is something that will be apparent to others.

[JellyTot]

Haha, yeah right - because I'm really going to reveal my location and photos and personal info on a discussion forum, aren't I?

[thegreatmoose]

I guess I feel like there are all these equally good looking young women competing for the same men as me. At least, I assume they're competing for the same men - maybe they prefer different men. I'm looking at them and thinking: why would a guy choose me over them? They're just as pretty and well educated, although perhaps not as intellectual, judging by what they write in their profiles. Still, intellectual isn't necessarily what men want - maybe a lot of them WANT an educated but ditzy girl who describes herself as "glitter-wearing and disco-dancing" and lists her favourite things as "eyeliner, sequins and fun". I listed mine as haiku, cold sunny days, and a stirred Martini with two olives - I don't know if guys would go for that rather than the sort of things the other girls listed, maybe I'm not girly enough. There probably is such a thing as being too intellectual and scaring men away with it - I can't pretend to be something I'm not though

I'd take "haiku, cold sunny days, and a stirred Martini with two olives" over "glitter-wearing and disco-dancing" by a light year. I think the majority of professors or teachers and many people in successful careers would also. You will likely attract more mature men in their 30s or possibly late 20s rather than younger, immature men who behave more like boys.

 

The men you will scare away are the immature boys and maybe some weak (more mentally) men who can't handle a woman like you. These are not the people you want anyway.

 

Just be you, and change that frown into a smile. In real life too, try to smile a lot. Men really like it!

[InspiredbyYou]

I guess I feel like there are all these equally good looking young women competing for the same men as me. At least, I assume they're competing for the same men - maybe they prefer different men. I'm looking at them and thinking: why would a guy choose me over them? They're just as pretty and well educated, although perhaps not as intellectual, judging by what they write in their profiles. Still, intellectual isn't necessarily what men want - maybe a lot of them WANT an educated but ditzy girl who describes herself as "glitter-wearing and disco-dancing" and lists her favourite things as "eyeliner, sequins and fun". I listed mine as haiku, cold sunny days, and a stirred Martini with two olives - I don't know if guys would go for that rather than the sort of things the other girls listed, maybe I'm not girly enough. There probably is such a thing as being too intellectual and scaring men away with it - I can't pretend to be something I'm not though

 

No half witted man would want a woman who puts such nonsense in her profile no matter how great she looks. That's 1 for the guys (let's give men some credit now!) But on the same token there are a million other women who look as good and better than you that probably don't say as much on their profile and the guys simply want to get with them more than you based on a pic alone. It's not because you aren't attractive enough, it's just that for whatever reason they see another woman as more appealing than you.

 

You just need to accept that and stop wining (sorry to say but you sound too winy to be doing online dating) you have this "woe is me" attitude of poor me why doesn't everyone want me, "what's wrong with me?" and the reality is that you have only been on the site for two weeks. Come back to us in 6 months if you are still encountering the same problems maybe it's time to try a different site, or time to seriously look at what pictures and profile text you are putting up or even scarier, time to look at how demanding you are of men are you even being realistic?

 

Sometimes you just have to change venues, it's like walking into a bar some bars will have the kind of crowd that appeals to you other bars you walk in and you know is not your kind of "crowd"

 

Read the thread about photos and profiles on OKcupid, it's going on in this section now. That's the bottom line.

[jerseyboy]

Haha, yeah right - because I'm really going to reveal my location and photos and personal info on a discussion forum, aren't I?

 

 

LOL

 

Wasnt looking to track you down

 

It was all information you have already posted on a public forum dating site lol.

 

But I get if its embarassing. I probably would be as well

[thegreatmoose]

LOL

 

Wasnt looking to track you down

 

It was all information you have already posted on a public forum dating site lol.

 

But I get if its embarassing. I probably would be as well

She is very smart NOT to post it on here. Why should she identify herself in an anonymous forum? I'd never do such a thing either.

[JellyTot]

No half witted man would want a woman who puts such nonsense in her profile no matter how great she looks.

That quote was from a pretty girl who was studying for a PhD! So I expect she's hardly empty-headed - although PhD doesn't equate with intellectualism, because I've dated non-intellectual guys with PhDs before. But there were other girls who looked just as attractive, and their profiles contained no such nonsense, although they didn't actually say much - I guess it depends what specifically appeals to a particular individual. A guy who wants to date based on photos alone holds no appeal for me anyway, because he wouldn't value my mind, just my face.

 

 

you have this "woe is me" attitude of poor me why doesn't everyone want me, "what's wrong with me?"

I appreciate that people have individual tastes and they like different things, but what I don't get is why wildly incompatible guys are emailing me left, right and centre, while the guys I'm actually interested in don't even bother to reply - but they don't actually reject me with the "no thanks" button either, they just leave it hanging.

[BobSacamento]

That quote was from a pretty girl who was studying for a PhD! So I expect she's hardly empty-headed - although PhD doesn't equate with intellectualism, because I've dated non-intellectual guys with PhDs before. But there were other girls who looked just as attractive, and their profiles contained no such nonsense, although they didn't actually say much - I guess it depends what specifically appeals to a particular individual. A guy who wants to date based on photos alone holds no appeal for me anyway, because he wouldn't value my mind, just my face.

 

I appreciate that people have individual tastes and they like different things, but what I don't get is why wildly incompatible guys are emailing me left, right and centre, while the guys I'm actually interested in don't even bother to reply - but they don't actually reject me with the "no thanks" button either, they just leave it hanging.

 

You have to get over the "leave me hanging" thing. They don't owe you anything.

[InspiredbyYou]

That quote was from a pretty girl who was studying for a PhD! So I expect she's hardly empty-headed - although PhD doesn't equate with intellectualism, because I've dated non-intellectual guys with PhDs before. But there were other girls who looked just as attractive, and their profiles contained no such nonsense, although they didn't actually say much - I guess it depends what specifically appeals to a particular individual. A guy who wants to date based on photos alone holds no appeal for me anyway, because he wouldn't value my mind, just my face.

 

You've just ruled out 97% of the male population, and female too! Seriously, you have to stop putting SO much weight on what is said in a profile. For the most part people say one thing in their profiles and are often different than what they say when you actually get to know them. If that weren't true, you would be in a relationship right now. What happened to all your past relationships? At one point or another you had to break up because who they seemed to be in the early stages of dating did not match up to who they actually were in the long run. If you were to meet someone in a social setting, same thing, people say one thing at first and then they aren't quite as they said they were when you get to know them. Of course there are variations and degrees of that but you have to picture that online it's probably the most amount of bull**** you will see written about people in your entire lifetime.

 

They are little marketing boxes, and advertising was meant to put a positive often unrealistic spin on things. Everyone is honest, loves to laugh all the time, is a straight shooter, is dependable and ambitious, everyone loves their friends and family (no kidding!) everyone is looking for that special someone, everyone thinks they are different from everyone else, everyone is perpetually single online. That's the reality of all the "honesty". This is why you have to be patient, because one day you will encounter the single person that is right for you. That's all you need, is one single guy who is right for you not a whole site that adheres to your somewhat unrealistic standards. What makes you think that finding a guy online is going to be much easier than in real life? Love takes time and patience. Without that you will only encounter frustration and eventually you will put out all the wrong vibes.

 

And don't be so quick to write everyone off, I almost didn't respond to my current boyfriend, in the tiny picture he sent me he didn't look great, and he was very quick to ask me out to dinner, didn't even say as much as hello and already he was making a date. But for some strange reason I found it both appalling and enticing at the same time. His persistence was quite intoxicating and when I met him I was blown away at how much chemistry I felt for him, physically he was not at all what I thought he would be given the crappy picture he sent me and in talking to him prior to meeting I knew he was a guy I wanted to get to know yet his profile was uneventful, I would not have given it a second look. So you NEVER know. But I had to go out on a few mediocre dates with guys of no interest to me until I met him and I had to read 100's of emails of guys that did nothing for me.

 

 

I appreciate that people have individual tastes and they like different things, but what I don't get is why wildly incompatible guys are emailing me left, right and centre, while the guys I'm actually interested in don't even bother to reply - but they don't actually reject me with the "no thanks" button either, they just leave it hanging.

 

 

Because it's easy to - online. Rejection is a lot easier online than it is in person so all those guys who wouldn't have the guts to talk to you in person have balls of steel online. That's why! Maybe they have unrealistic expectations of what they deserve, maybe you have unrealistic expectations, it's easy to do that when you are looking at catalogs of people to choose from. Also the no response thing is how people say "Thanks but no thanks" online. I did it a million times, it's the unspoken rule, no response = not interested. Move on.

 

 

I think you are analyzing things too much, take it for what it is, be patient and have fun with it. It's dating, not cancer research!

 

If I may give you some words of advice regarding your profile, sometimes less is more. For many reasons, I found the more I put out there about myself online the more men would pretend to be something they were not just to win me over. They weren't compatible with me, they liked my pictures and would say anything that matched my interests to win me over. So keep it fun, and short, four paragraphs is too long in my opinion.

[jerseyboy]

She is very smart NOT to post it on here. Why should she identify herself in an anonymous forum? I'd never do such a thing either.

 

 

Bro

 

I couldnt care one way or the other. Someone mentioned issues with profile/responses, so rather tha guess what the hell is or isnt wrong in it and what she might be saying wrong, I suggested they link it.

 

That aside

 

One reason I dont keep a facebook, myspace, dating site acct, is repcisely because I dont want tens of millions of strangers having access to semi private information.

 

But were I to have them available to just about any stranger that wishes to take a look, I wouldnt be particularly bothered that somne smaller subset of strangers were made aware.

 

The cow is already out of the barn on that one chief.

[D-Jam]

JellyTot, I agree with a lot of the replies on here.

 

You will need to realize that while you're taking this all very seriously, most people on these sites are not. You're wondering why guys who have little in common are messaging you? They're playing the numbers game. They go through the site and only look on a few things:

 

 

• How hot are her photos
  
• Does she have kids
  
• Does she live near me
  

They know they'll probably get no reply to her, but would rather try. They will email 50 women just in the hopes of one reply, and then go from there. They ignore most of the profile because they would rather figure it all out as they are chatting and getting to know you.

 

You are making the same mistake many women and some men do. They're looking at the profiles and trying to get to know as much as they can from it. They want to judge attraction and chemistry at times from the photos and content. Not good...and it's why you're ending up with zero results.

 

I've said it to death that standards are only good if they get you RESULTS.

 

You're winking at guys you think are the standard you want, but they're not replying...so therefore they're not guys you can get. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. It would be like me emailing fashion models with good careers and getting no replies. As much as I might believe I would be an ideal mate for them...they judged me as a big "NO".

 

You have to pick from the pool that's available to you. That or go from winking to sending emails to the guys you want and taking your chances.

 

You also have to be realistic and test out guys who are your results. Talk to any who seem to be a bit of what you want, get to know them, and see if it grows to much more. You're trying to find a perfect fit in an off-the-rack world and it won't get you anything but lonely weekends.

 

Dating isn't about what's said on a profile and what photos are shown. It's about getting to know people and finding those whom you share SOME commonalities with and who you share chemistry with IN PERSON.

 

You have to rethink it all...or try other sites...or other means...or accept being alone. That or totally rework yourself into being one of the girls those guys you want will desire.

[Sam Spade]

Maybe all the phd's you're winking at are really looking for woman that are totally different then they are, regardless of what they wrote in their profiles.

 

There may be some truth to that . I finished my doctorate a few years ago, and most people would expect to see me with comparably doctored, high-powered woman etc. But nope, they see me with an asian sweetie with bad grammar that's not even halfway through her master's program and has exceedingly low GRE score .

[Sam Spade]

I guess I feel like there are all these equally good looking young women competing for the same men as me. At least, I assume they're competing for the same men - maybe they prefer different men. I'm looking at them and thinking: why would a guy choose me over them? They're just as pretty and well educated, although perhaps not as intellectual, judging by what they write in their profiles. Still, intellectual isn't necessarily what men want - maybe a lot of them WANT an educated but ditzy girl who describes herself as "glitter-wearing and disco-dancing" and lists her favourite things as "eyeliner, sequins and fun". I listed mine as haiku, cold sunny days, and a stirred Martini with two olives - I don't know if guys would go for that rather than the sort of things the other girls listed, maybe I'm not girly enough. There probably is such a thing as being too intellectual and scaring men away with it - I can't pretend to be something I'm not though

 

 

You're plenty girly , trust me:love:.

Also, you aren't "scaring" men away by being intellectual. You are just making a bit too big of a deal out of it, simply because it is just not as important for a good relationship. Objectively speaking, my gf is intellectually average at best. But, I'm very happy with her just because she's got the ability and desire to be engaged in a conversation, and even she has no clue about the topic, she tries to understand. Her sweet and compasionate attitude trump any intellectual 'shortcomings'.

 

To put it simply: sweet attitude and general sense of well-being and ability to carelessly hang out on the couch > ability to discuss religion and politics or art.

[Sam Spade]

I honestly don't think you're much wrong. It may take several months or even a year before you find your guy and I say that knowing that you are smart and attractive.

 

 

I find it strangely satisfying to peruse match.com 1+ year later and see women who rejected me still out there logging in and presumably looking

[JellyTot]

Seriously, you have a Ph.D., you are allegedly good-looking, but you are using a computer to find a date?

 

I'm very shy and introverted - I usually only date when a guy asks me out, and because he chose me the relationship is never really what I want. I'm trying to be more proactive in my choice of partner, but I'd never have the nerve to approach someone in real life - I can manage online dating though

 

The other thing is that the sort of guys I like aren't just lying around all over the place - internet dating widens my pool considerably and gives me access to potential matches who live far enough away that I would never have bumped into them in person. It also gives me something of an insight into a person's character, and since I'm more concerned about that than anything else, it's a useful insight.

[JellyTot]

You're well on your way to waking up 48 years old and a virgin.

 

Haha, that boat sailed about fifteen years ago

[pandagirl]

JellyTot, I've been following your threads and I think online dating is a good option to expand your horizons, and while you could meet Mr. Right this way, the chances are SLIM.

 

You are a smart woman and I'm sure attractive. There are going to be very, very few men who will match your baseline standards. It's not impossible, but not likely either.

 

But go out and have fun! You might learn a thing or two about yourself and what you want from a relationship.

[thegreatmoose]

I find it strangely satisfying to peruse match.com 1+ year later and see women who rejected me still out there logging in and presumably looking

I don't find it satisfying. I was rejected by one with the reason that she does not have time for dating after sending several emails back and forth. However, she does have time to log in every day. I started sending shorter emails after this one, becuase it cost me a lot of time and I don't want to put so many hours into conversing with someone by email that I never get to meet in person.

[thegreatmoose]

To put it simply: sweet attitude and general sense of well-being and ability to carelessly hang out on the couch > ability to discuss religion and politics or art.

It depends on the man. I'd ideally like a woman to have both.

[b52s]

they would rather figure it all out as they are chatting and getting to know you.

 

Yeah, I prefer doing that as well....I hate it when women complain that when a guy asks her a question....apparently he missed something in her profile.

 

Some guys kinda scan it over, but not read it thoroughly. They probably inadvertently asked you a question, just to make conversation, and perhaps overlook or forgot about that part of the profile.

 

The prefer you telling them yourself and elaborate on it as well. Makes for good conversation.

 

If you're too descriptive in your profile....and if they followed "the rules", there would be nothing to talk about because it's all covered in your profile.

 

That's why I try to keep my profile brief or somewhat vague, can't tell too much of myself in my profile, because that spoils it.

[Midnight Rider]

So I set up a decent profile for online dating. It says what stuff I like to read, and mentions that I like being outdoors and I keep fit through dance and hiking. It outlines my job, says I like traveling, and mentions a bunch of places I've been to. I avoided being too picky about the sort of guy I want to meet, so I just put that I want someone who's fun and likes an intellectually challenging conversation, and I said I'm a romantic deep down inside. I used good photos, some candid shots and a couple of really nice shots taken by a photographer friend. I had the same photos on MySpace and I would get random "You're hot! Let's chat!" emails, so I guess they're decent enough photos, and there's also a (clothed) full body shot so people can see I'm not overweight.

 

Sounds like you are a real catch, and you know it as well. You've got a good profile laid out, from the sounds of it a great description, great education, good photos, etc.

 

I got like 250 views, 25 emails and 84 winks in the space of two weeks, so I guess my profile and photos aren't all that bad. The guys who winked or emailed weren't my type for one reason or another though..

 

And there you have it. 25 emails and 84 winks in 2 weeks. I wouldn't get this in 2 frackin years. Not kidding. In 25 emails and 84 winks, not one man was worthy. That's typical of the above average woman on a dating site... you probably feel a high sense of entitlement due to your great profile and all which you have to offer, right? But not one man in 25 emails and 84 winks was worthy. Makes me go hmmmmm...

 

I winked at a couple of guys who said they had PhDs, same as I do, or were studying for one....

 

Guys, this just goes to show your chances of getting any response from a lady who has a PhD unless you also have one.

 

Result? Zip. Nada. Zilch.

 

Good. You got a taste of your own medicine. Hope you like it. Maybe you should get off your high horse and give some consideration to the guys who are already responding to you.

Edited November 27, 2009 by Midnight Rider

[Johnny M]

Wow OP....I don't know what to say. You call yourself a 'braniac', yet you can't figure out something this painfully obvious? The men who have what you're looking for are not attracted to you because you don't have what they are looking for. Just because they are a good match for you doesn't mean you are a good match for them. You are obviously going after the wrong type of man.

[Midnight Rider]

I like a quiet, bookish, intellectual kind of guy, but at the same time I don't want a total nerd - I like a guy to be a bit muscular and ok looking too. That eliminates a LOT of potential dates for being either too nerdy or not nerdy enough

 

You forgot PhD also.

[thegreatmoose]

Sounds like you are a real catch, and you know it as well. You've got a good profile laid out, from the sounds of it a great description, great education, good photos, etc.

 

 

 

And there you have it. 25 emails and 84 winks in 2 weeks. I wouldn't get this in 2 frackin years. Not kidding. In 25 emails and 84 winks, not one man was worthy. That's typical of the above average woman on a dating site... you probably feel a high sense of entitlement due to your great profile and all which you have to offer, right? But not one man in 25 emails and 84 winks was worthy. Makes me go hmmmmm...

 

 

 

Guys, this just goes to show your chances of getting any response from a lady who has a PhD unless you also have one.

 

 

 

Good. You got a taste of your own medicine. Hope you like it. Maybe you should get off your high horse and give some consideration to the guys who are already responding to you.

You can't really compare numbers of winks for men as opposed to women becuase men usually initiate contact. There also seem to be many more men than women who blindly send form emails to the masses. Those hardly should count. I get a small fraction of the emails she gets, but I am a man.

 

She has never said that she requires her man to have a PhD or even be studying for one. She has one and prefers intelligent men. I respect women who have some statdards. She has absolutely no obligation to respond to anyone, unless she feels they might be a good match.

 

She has only been on there 2 weeks, so there is nothing to worry about for her, other than getting discouraged. If she's on there several months and isn't getting at least some dates, she may well want to make some adjustments. However, even then she should not just throw all her requirements out the window.

[Midnight Rider]

She has never said that she requires her man to have a PhD or even be studying for one. She has one and prefers intelligent men.

 

She said, "I winked at a couple of guys who said they had PhDs, same as I do, or were studying for one...." So that sort of indicates to me she is inclined towards guys who have PhDs or at minimum Masters. Maybe I'm wrong. But honestly, how many PhDs have you gone out with moose?