Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Heres a reality check for you with dating sites. You never actually get what you WANT. You get what you can. Those PHD guys you want are emailing young blond women with slender bodies. I am a (relatively) young blond(ish) woman with a slender body Having recently passed 30, I'm not as young as I once was, but you wouldn't know it to look at me (I routinely pass for being around 25, and was therefore tempted to fib about my age on the dating site, but decided that honesty was the best policy.) I'm hardly in a situation where I would expect to settle for less than I want - not yet anyway.
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 This thread pretty much sheds some light into the female mind with online dating. As I suspected the high volume of interest from morons just writing "wow ur hot" gives them a sense of entitlement. This leads to potential matches being rejected based on petty things. I don't reject people on "petty" things. Unless you think that not wanting kids, or drinking like a fish, or being closer to my mothers age than mine are "petty" things. Is not being attracted to someone also a petty reason for not wanting to date them?
BobSacamento Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I don't reject people on "petty" things. Unless you think that not wanting kids, or drinking like a fish, or being closer to my mothers age than mine are "petty" things. Is not being attracted to someone also a petty reason for not wanting to date them? I totally understand age, wanting kids and attractiveness. I'm just skeptical that all the rejections or even the majority were based on those things. Also, define drinks like a fish lol. I'm just trying to be realistic here.
Curious-One Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) You got 25 emails and 84 winks yet from all those people you couldnt find anyone that could POSSIBLY be a match....yah i am going to have to say that you are a bit too picky... From 109 people there had to be atlest one profile that was like hmmmmmmm maybe ill give this one a try.. Edited November 26, 2009 by Curious-One
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 I totally understand age, wanting kids and attractiveness. I'm just skeptical that all the rejections or even the majority were based on those things. Also, define drinks like a fish lol. I'm just trying to be realistic here. Maybe I just have a very specific idea of what I find attractive, which doesn't match with what's widely available in society. The quiet, bookish looking type with long messy hair is what I like - spectacles and the occasional bit of stubble are a plus "Drinks like a fish" = drinks alcohol more than 2-3 times per week and/or gets drunk every single weekend. Perhaps most people wouldn't define that as drinking heavily, but since I don't drink much it seems like a lot to me. If someone has a glass of wine when they come home from work every day, or if they go out drinking with their friends every Saturday night, I define that as excessive.
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 You got 25 emails and 84 winks yet from all those people you couldnt find anyone that could POSSIBLY be a match....yah i am going to have to say that you are a bit too picky... From 109 people there had to be atlest one profile that was like hmmmmmmm maybe ill give this one a try.. Perhaps it's because I'm looking for someone highly intellectual, so the usual stuff that people write in profiles doesn't appeal to me - by the time you dismiss the ones you don't find attractive, and then you weed through the remainder to pick out those who sound intellectual, you're only left with a couple of options. As it happens, there were a couple of ok ones, but none that made me go WOW! I replied to one guy, and he has proceeded to ignore me, which makes me wonder why he bothered. Another guy who looked ok seems to have canceled his profile so I can't reply to him.
BobSacamento Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Maybe I just have a very specific idea of what I find attractive, which doesn't match with what's widely available in society. The quiet, bookish looking type with long messy hair is what I like - spectacles and the occasional bit of stubble are a plus "Drinks like a fish" = drinks alcohol more than 2-3 times per week and/or gets drunk every single weekend. Perhaps most people wouldn't define that as drinking heavily, but since I don't drink much it seems like a lot to me. If someone has a glass of wine when they come home from work every day, or if they go out drinking with their friends every Saturday night, I define that as excessive. So when you sent out your winks the guys all met this criteria? How many did you send out, 2? I'm not trying to put you on trial here or anything, I'm just curious.
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 I picked out 4 people who I really liked the sound of. Two were just my type physically, and the other two were attractive but not quite what I'd usually go for. They sounded quite intellectual and we had stuff in common, and they didn't mention alcohol as one of the things they do for fun. I have a list of another half a dozen guys who I might be interested in assuming that my preferred ones don't respond. But I don't want to push "compromise" to the extent that I'm not really interested in meeting these guys, because then there'd be no point.
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 The thing that worries me about it being a numbers game is that there aren't actually that many people who I'm really attracted to. I like a quiet, bookish, intellectual kind of guy, but at the same time I don't want a total nerd - I like a guy to be a bit muscular and ok looking too. That eliminates a LOT of potential dates for being either too nerdy or not nerdy enough Dating is always a numbers game. You definity want to have standards, but sometimes it could be useful to slightly loosen some of them if you aren't finding anyone. Never drop your standards too much though. What if a guy is not that muscular, but works out or is open to working out? What if he is kind of sort of quiet, bookish and intellectual? I'm sure you get the idea. If you have to compromise a bit, which areas are easiest to compromise on? Be picky, but not so picky that you can't find someone.
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I picked out 4 people who I really liked the sound of. Two were just my type physically, and the other two were attractive but not quite what I'd usually go for. They sounded quite intellectual and we had stuff in common, and they didn't mention alcohol as one of the things they do for fun. I have a list of another half a dozen guys who I might be interested in assuming that my preferred ones don't respond. But I don't want to push "compromise" to the extent that I'm not really interested in meeting these guys, because then there'd be no point. I'd be pursuing all 10 of them including the 4 you really like and the other 6 also. I'd also be looking for number 11,12,13,14... New people join these sites every day and you want to be on the lookout for a good one. Many who look great on paper may end not being so good in real life, but the opposite can be true also. You can always so "no" to a 2nd date if need be.
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) I'm already prepared to compromise on things like youth and looks and wealth in favour of intellectualism and compatibility. The guys I picked out aren't the most eligible ones on the site judging by the usual criteria - I've already had emails from guys who were younger/wealthier/more handsome, but I declined because I wasn't feeling that mental connection. It's annoying because I'm declining dates that a lot of women would kill for, simply because I'm looking for an intellectual connection first and foremost; the guys I have stuff in common with aren't interested, and the guys that other women would love are bombarding me Edited November 26, 2009 by JellyTot
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I'm already prepared to compromise on things like youth and looks and wealth in favour of intellectualism and compatibility. The guys I picked out aren't the most eligible ones on the site - I've already had emails from guys who were younger/wealthier/more handsome, but I declined because I wasn't feeling that mental connection. It's annoying because I'm declining dates that a lot of women would kill for, simply because I'm looking for an intellectual connection first and foremost; the guys I have stuff in common with aren't interested, and the guys that other women would love are bombarding me I honestly don't think you're much wrong. It may take several months or even a year before you find your guy and I say that knowing that you are smart and attractive. Ideally you are using online dating and other methods at the same time to increase your chances. I'm sure many that write you hardly look or don't look at your profile at all and you are doing the right thing by deleting their emails. Do you have people you know, especially males, who could take a look at your profile to see if maybe there's something in there that might cause some of the good men to not be interested?
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 The main reason I'm using online dating is because I don't really have any other avenues to explore at present. I've already met everyone at work and at the evening classes I attend, I've been introduced to all the friends-of-friends that people thought might be suitable, it's the same people every weekend at friends' dinner parties, and we all know how difficult it is to meet someone in a bar and accurately judge whether you'd be interested in them (not that I really enjoy going to bars very often anyway). Online dating is pretty much my last resort at the moment!
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 Do you have people you know, especially males, who could take a look at your profile to see if maybe there's something in there that might cause some of the good men to not be interested? My friend said my profile was a bit too long and wordy, so I chopped it to four paragraphs of a few sentences each: my main hobbies, outdoor activities and traveling, my lifestyle, and who I'm looking for. I could chop it down more, but then it wouldn't communicate who I am so clearly. Perhaps it would be better to give less info and just let people fill in the blanks themselves, but that leads to unfulfiled expectations and time wasting - I figure that by being clear I'm saving hassle with dating the wrong guys who won't like me. Besides, my friend said that guys decide whether to contact you based mainly on the photos anyway; as long as you don't sound psycho in your profile they'll respond if they like your photos. That theory is borne out by the number of emails I've received from completely incompatible guys who are my polar opposite.
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 My friend said my profile was a bit too long and wordy, so I chopped it to four paragraphs of a few sentences each: my main hobbies, outdoor activities and traveling, my lifestyle, and who I'm looking for. I could chop it down more, but then it wouldn't communicate who I am so clearly. Perhaps it would be better to give less info and just let people fill in the blanks themselves, but that leads to unfulfiled expectations and time wasting - I figure that by being clear I'm saving hassle with dating the wrong guys who won't like me. Besides, my friend said that guys decide whether to contact you based mainly on the photos anyway; as long as you don't sound psycho in your profile they'll respond if they like your photos. That theory is borne out by the number of emails I've received from completely incompatible guys who are my polar opposite. I don't think that's necessarily the case. It is with some men, but it certainly is not with me and I'm definitely an intellectual type. In fact, the kind of man who is ideal for you would likely be the type who looks at profiles rather than just pictures. I eliminate some based on photos, but 10x more based on the rest of their profile. If they drink reguarly or like loud parties all the time, I don't want them. If their interests are complete opposites, I don't want them. The many emails you get from guys who are completely incompatible I'd think are coming from those that email every attractive looking woman. I'd keep your profile medium length, but maybe others here would have some other opinions. I'd put some specifics in there about what you're looking for, but only the most important ones so you don't inadventently scare off somoen who could be a good prospect.
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 The main reason I'm using online dating is because I don't really have any other avenues to explore at present. I've already met everyone at work and at the evening classes I attend, I've been introduced to all the friends-of-friends that people thought might be suitable, it's the same people every weekend at friends' dinner parties, and we all know how difficult it is to meet someone in a bar and accurately judge whether you'd be interested in them (not that I really enjoy going to bars very often anyway). Online dating is pretty much my last resort at the moment! What about meeting new people through activities and hobbies which you enjoy? Why not try some new things? I know it's hard and I too need to take more of my own advice. I really think you can find someone good, as long as you don't get discouraged and stop trying.
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 I had a look at the other women on the site in my age range, and there seem to be an awful lot of pretty ones! (more attractive women than men, by far.) Most of them sound a bit ditzy in their profiles, but I guess most guys aren't so bothered about that as long as they're pretty. I don't know how I've got the number of emails etc that I have - unless these guys are just emailing every attractive woman and that includes me. Now I'm wondering what I've really got to offer that's different from what these numerous other women have, and I think the answer is: not much. I'll never find someone at this rate
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 What about meeting new people through activities and hobbies which you enjoy? Why not try some new things? I already do quite a few things, like amateur dramatics and various evening classes. I really don't have time to take yet another class, and I don't want to drop any of my current hobbies because I like them. You only get one shot to meet the people who attend a particular class/club, and after you've eliminated everyone there you either have to quit your hobby or wait forever for a cute guy to just hapen to join the class.
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I had a look at the other women on the site in my age range, and there seem to be an awful lot of pretty ones! (more attractive women than men, by far.) Most of them sound a bit ditzy in their profiles, but I guess most guys aren't so bothered about that as long as they're pretty. I don't know how I've got the number of emails etc that I have - unless these guys are just emailing every attractive woman and that includes me. Now I'm wondering what I've really got to offer that's different from what these numerous other women have, and I think the answer is: not much. I'll never find someone at this rate You have to be more positve! You have a lot to offer. Believe me, I get discouraged all the time too and I have to fight that feeling. I don't email the ditzy women and would go for someone like you in a second. Many good higher quality men would go for you over the typical ditzy woman. You have more to offer than most women, in my opinion at least. That's exactly what is happening. Unfortunately many men mail every attractive looking woman. A good amount of these men are unfortunately the likes of the poster RJM. A few women do the same thing and I trash their emails, but usually it's men who send out mass emails.
BobSacamento Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 So what are you going to do? Have them submit a dissertation? This is insane.
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I already do quite a few things, like amateur dramatics and various evening classes. I really don't have time to take yet another class, and I don't want to drop any of my current hobbies because I like them. You only get one shot to meet the people who attend a particular class/club, and after you've eliminated everyone there you either have to quit your hobby or wait forever for a cute guy to just hapen to join the class. I still would encourage you to change things up once in awhile. I'm not saying drop all of your hobbies, but I am saying make it a point to try something completely new every so often. Talk to the guys in your classes, even if they are not quite cute. You never know. Your ideal man could be a friend or maybe the friend of a friend of someone in one of your classes.
thegreatmoose Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) Actually, the majority of people online are not like RJM/IronSulphate. Unfortunately the 5% or so that are post a lot of messages and register under fake names at dating sites, which does nothing but waste the time of the other 95% of the population. Edited November 26, 2009 by thegreatmoose
b52s Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 I tried sending an email to a woman the other day....things were going great, even back and forth email...she even gave me her screen name to chat with her Yahoo IM....then one day, she decides to ignore me ....this is also a Christian woman, and I found disappointing because she was looking for a Christian man. Then she pulls this? Kind of un-Christianlike. I would send her follow up emails: "Hey, hadn't heard back from you in a while where ya been? Later, I can see the date and time she had recently had been logged in, noticed this and said, "Hey, saw that you logged in today, but I heard back from you....what's the deal??" Kind of rude....but you see with online dating, it gives you permission to be rude. They figure you just "go away"
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 You have to be more positve! You have a lot to offer. Believe me, I get discouraged all the time too and I have to fight that feeling. I guess I feel like there are all these equally good looking young women competing for the same men as me. At least, I assume they're competing for the same men - maybe they prefer different men. I'm looking at them and thinking: why would a guy choose me over them? They're just as pretty and well educated, although perhaps not as intellectual, judging by what they write in their profiles. Still, intellectual isn't necessarily what men want - maybe a lot of them WANT an educated but ditzy girl who describes herself as "glitter-wearing and disco-dancing" and lists her favourite things as "eyeliner, sequins and fun". I listed mine as haiku, cold sunny days, and a stirred Martini with two olives - I don't know if guys would go for that rather than the sort of things the other girls listed, maybe I'm not girly enough. There probably is such a thing as being too intellectual and scaring men away with it - I can't pretend to be something I'm not though
Author JellyTot Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 I tried sending an email to a woman the other day....things were going great, even back and forth email...she even gave me her screen name to chat with her Yahoo IM....then one day, she decides to ignore me ....this is also a Christian woman, and I found disappointing because she was looking for a Christian man. Then she pulls this? Kind of un-Christianlike. That's extremely rude and discourteous; she could at least have told you she no longer wanted to communicate. Some people just have no manners or decency
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