No results in online dating :(

[JellyTot]

So I set up a decent profile for online dating. It says what stuff I like to read, and mentions that I like being outdoors and I keep fit through dance and hiking. It outlines my job, says I like traveling, and mentions a bunch of places I've been to. I avoided being too picky about the sort of guy I want to meet, so I just put that I want someone who's fun and likes an intellectually challenging conversation, and I said I'm a romantic deep down inside. I used good photos, some candid shots and a couple of really nice shots taken by a photographer friend. I had the same photos on MySpace and I would get random "You're hot! Let's chat!" emails, so I guess they're decent enough photos, and there's also a (clothed) full body shot so people can see I'm not overweight.

 

I got like 250 views, 25 emails and 84 winks in the space of two weeks, so I guess my profile and photos aren't all that bad. The guys who winked or emailed weren't my type for one reason or another though - they were either a lot older or younger than my preference, or they had kids, or they weren't physically attractive to me, or they were really handsome but sounded full of themselves, or I was put off by their profile for some reason. So I decided it would be better for me to wink at other people instead.

 

So I search for a few guys I like. Nice looking, but not as hot and self absorbed as some of the other guys who had winked at me. Around my age, no kids, same as me. Decent education - I winked at a couple of guys who said they had PhDs, same as I do, or were studying for one. The guys I winked at even said they liked "braniacs", so I thought they'd like me. I don't care what they earn - I guess the PhD students are broke, but it doesn't really matter because I'm looking for a physical and intellectual connection. I chose guys who had a lot in common with me - our profiles mentioned liking a lot of the same things. I'm within their age range and there are no major incompatibilities between our profiles.

 

Result? Zip. Nada. Zilch.

The guys I winked at have been online since, so I guess they saw my wink and didn't respond for whatever reason. But they didn't even click "no thanks", which is what I do with all my unsuitable matches. So now I'm wondering what the deal is - a lot of guys seem to be interested in my profile, but obviously not the guys I'm interested in. I don't think it's to do with looks - I had hotter and younger and wealthier guys winking and emailing me already. I don't think it's to do with education or job either - I'm as educated as they are and my job is decent but not all-consuming. I don't think it's to do with lack of stuff in common, because I picked guys who I had a lot in common with. So I'm just completely puzzled why I'm getting no replies, and why they didn't click "no thanks" if they're not interested.

 

My friend says that folks are busy and don't necessarily have time to draft an email mid-week, they just login and peek at their matches and then go away and think about it, so maybe they'll reply at the weekend. But if a girl you like winks at you, you reply asap, don't you? So I guess they don't like me, but I can't figure out what the deal is

Edited November 26, 2009 by JellyTot

[Jaytb]

So I set up a decent profile for online dating. It says what stuff I like to read, and mentions that I like being outdoors and I keep fit through dance and hiking. It outlines my job, says I like traveling, and mentions a bunch of places I've been to. I avoided being too picky about the sort of guy I want to meet, so I just put that I want someone who's fun and likes an intellectually challenging conversation, and I said I'm a romantic deep down inside. I used good photos, some candid shots and a couple of really nice shots taken by a photographer friend. I had the same photos on MySpace and I would get random "You're hot! Let's chat!" emails, so I guess they're decent enough photos, and there's also a (clothed) full body shot so people can see I'm not overweight.

 

I got like 250 views, 25 emails and 84 winks in the space of two weeks, so I guess my profile and photos aren't all that bad. The guys who winked or emailed weren't my type for one reason or another though - they were either a lot older or younger than my preference, or they had kids, or they weren't physically attractive to me, or they were really handsome but sounded full of themselves, or I was put off by their profile for some reason. So I decided it would be better for me to wink at other people instead.

 

So I search for a few guys I like. Nice looking, but not as hot and self absorbed as some of the other guys who had winked at me. Around my age, no kids, same as me. Decent education - I winked at a couple of guys who said they had PhDs, same as I do, or were studying for one. The guys I winked at even said they liked "braniacs", so I thought they'd like me. I don't care what they earn - I guess the PhD students are broke, but it doesn't really matter because I'm looking for a physical and intellectual connection. I chose guys who had a lot in common with me - our profiles mentioned liking a lot of the same things. I'm within their age range and there are no major incompatibilities between our profiles.

 

Result? Zip. Nada. Zilch.

The guys I winked at have been online since, so I guess they saw my wink and didn't respond for whatever reason. But they didn't even click "no thanks", which is what I do with all my unsuitable matches. So now I'm wondering what the deal is - a lot of guys seem to be interested in my profile, but obviously not the guys I'm interested in. I don't think it's to do with looks - I had hotter and younger and wealthier guys winking and emailing me already. I don't think it's to do with education or job either - I'm as educated as they are and my job is decent but not all-consuming. I don't think it's to do with lack of stuff in common, because I picked guys who I had a lot in common with. So I'm just completely puzzled why I'm getting no replies, and why they didn't click "no thanks" if they're not interested.

 

My friend says that folks are busy and don't necessarily have time to draft an email mid-week, so maybe they'll reply at the weekend. But if a girl you like winks at you, you reply asap, don't you? So I guess they don't like me, but I can't figure out what the deal is

 

well apparently you did get results. You're just picky, lol. Either accept that being picky means a lot of non-matches and you'll have to spend more time at it, or be less picky and you'll find dates quicker.

[RobM]

So all these guys showed interest in you and you rejected them all for one reason or another and now you're confused because you showed interest in a few guys and they ignored you. I'm not trying to suggest anything, just sounds ironic to me.

 

Give it some time I guess, I've never tried online dating so I don't know how it usually works.

 

I guess I didn't really have anything to add, sorry.

[JellyTot]

Yeah I guess I am picky, but not in a bad sort of way. I'm not just going for guys who make $100k plus, or smoking hot guys, or guys who are a lot younger than me. I'm going for guys who I have something in common with - we read the same sort of books, have similar hobbies like hiking and outdoor activities, are a similar age, similar education level, etc. I'm going for guys who aren't necessarily the hottest but they appeal to me. In other words, I'm going for guys who I seem reasonably compatible with, who I thought I'd stand a decent chance of getting a reply from. I just don't get why guys who many women would consider to be "better" in superficial ways are emailing me, but the guys I'm actually interested in aren't interested in me.

[JellyTot]

So all these guys showed interest in you and you rejected them all for one reason or another and now you're confused because you showed interest in a few guys and they ignored you. I'm not trying to suggest anything, just sounds ironic to me.

 

Yeah it is ironic, and very annoying

 

The guys who I rejected weren't compatible with me, which is why I rejected them, because we were poles apart. For example he likes clubbing and drinking, and I'm a quiet person. He definitely doesn't want kids and I do. I want intellectual conversation and he isn't that type of guy at all. Or he's over a decade older, or almost a decade younger, neither of which are promising in relationship terms. etc.

 

So I purposely picked out ok looking guys with similar hobbies, similar education, who want kids and say they like the sort of things I have to offer - and I get no response. Yet the completely polar opposite guys are emailing and winking like there's no tomorrow!

[Jaytb]

Yeah I guess I am picky, but not in a bad sort of way. I'm not just going for guys who make $100k plus, or smoking hot guys, or guys who are a lot younger than me. I'm going for guys who I have something in common with - we read the same sort of books, have similar hobbies like hiking and outdoor activities, are a similar age, similar education level, etc. I'm going for guys who aren't necessarily the hottest but they appeal to me. In other words, I'm going for guys who I seem reasonably compatible with, who I thought I'd stand a decent chance of getting a reply from. I just don't get why guys who many women would consider to be "better" in superficial ways are emailing me, but the guys I'm actually interested in aren't interested in me.

 

I didn't say it in a bad way! Basically you're picky, so own it! Also I think it's interesting you think some guys are "better" but you reject them. So are they really considered "better"

[RobM]

Maybe all the phd's you're winking at are really looking for woman that are totally different then they are, regardless of what they wrote in their profiles.

[thegreatmoose]

I got like 250 views, 25 emails and 84 winks in the space of two weeks, so I guess my profile and photos aren't all that bad. The guys who winked or emailed weren't my type for one reason or another though - they were either a lot older or younger than my preference, or they had kids, or they weren't physically attractive to me, or they were really handsome but sounded full of themselves, or I was put off by their profile for some reason. So I decided it would be better for me to wink at other people instead.

 

My friend says that folks are busy and don't necessarily have time to draft an email mid-week, they just login and peek at their matches and then go away and think about it, so maybe they'll reply at the weekend. But if a girl you like winks at you, you reply asap, don't you? So I guess they don't like me, but I can't figure out what the deal is

2 weeks is not nearly enough time. Some guys, like me, will often wait a few days before sending an email to a woman I like.

 

Keep looking at and winking at more profiles you like. Most of the emails you get belong in the trash since so many people just send generic emails to hundreds of people, often not even looking at your profile.

 

Also, keep updating your profile. Recently updated profiles often occur near the top when users do searches.

[VeveCakes]

The thing is you don't really know if you will have something in common or get along if you don't talk to them. Why not give some of the ones who are interested in you a chance, you have nothing to lose.

[thegreatmoose]

So all these guys showed interest in you and you rejected them all for one reason or another and now you're confused because you showed interest in a few guys and they ignored you. I'm not trying to suggest anything, just sounds ironic to me.

There has to be a match both ways. That is what makes dating tough, whether or not online.

[JellyTot]

2 weeks is not nearly enough time. Some guys, like me, will often wait a few days before sending an email to a woman I like.

Even if she's winked you and you know she's interested? You still sit on it for several days before you reply? Can I ask why you wait that long if you're keen, instead of getting straight in there?

 

 

Also I think it's interesting you think some guys are "better" but you reject them. So are they really considered "better"

I don't mean that I consider them to be better - but a lot of women would go for the smoking hot guy, or the wealthy guy, or the cute young thing, and society in general might consider them to be more desirable. I prefer a guy my own age (even a broke student) who's similar to me in hobbies and personality and education, rather than a hot guy or a wealthy guy who doesn't seem to have much in common with me - because I'm looking for love and compatibility, not sex or money.

 

 

Maybe all the phd's you're winking at are really looking for woman that are totally different then they are, regardless of what they wrote in their profiles.

Maybe. So why would they write that they like intellectual debates and are turned on by braniacs, if they're looking for something different to that? More to the point, if they're not interested why not click "no thanks" and reject me instead of leaving it hanging?

 

 

The thing is you don't really know if you will have something in common or get along if you don't talk to them. Why not give some of the ones who are interested in you a chance, you have nothing to lose.

I've learned from bitter experience that if there's no physical attraction then it doesn't matter how well you get on with someone, you end up being just friends. Even worse if you start dating them hoping those feelings will grow, and end up in a long relationship with no sex, and it hurts like crazy when you finally call it a day and you lose your closest friend. So I'm obviously going to reject the guys I'm not physically attracted to, because I'm looking for a boyfriend, not just a friend.

 

When it comes to other criteria, it doesn't seem wise to compromise on those either. What's the point in dating a guy who says he definitely doesn't want kids and I do? Or a guy who's closer to my mother's age than to mine? Or a guy who is my complete polar opposite when it comes to stuff like hobbies - he says he hates reading, and I want to read books together and have intellectual discussions; he's a party animal and I'm most definitely not. I just think it's a waste of time when there are such glaring incompatibilities up front.

[InspiredbyYou]

Here's the thing, if you are going to do online dating you are going to have to grow some thicker skin and stop analyzing rejection. Rejection is a big component of online dating and because you are exposed to so many people you are also exposed to a lot more rejection. Get used to the fact that just because you find a man interesting he won't necessarily find you interesting, and that you won't appeal to everyone. Just like for whatever reason some guys don't appeal to you. If you did appeal to everyone you would not be doing online dating to begin with, and if everyone appealed to you same thing.

 

In terms of the guys who don't respond right away, your friend is wrong, no one is that busy. An email response takes all of 1 minute. If he doesn't respond to your winks he is not interested or not a member if it's a paid site. Move on, stop dwelling on why they don't respond and save your energy for a guy that does want to talk to you. If you can't handle rejection don't contact them first let them contact you.

 

Judging by both the posts you initiated on this topic you are taking yourself and your ego too seriously and you are not being very patient. You must be patient if you want to succeed. If it wasn't instant for you in real life, why would you expect it to be instant online?

[JellyTot]

There has to be a match both ways. That is what makes dating tough, whether or not online.

 

Yeah I know

There wasn't a match between me and most of the guys who contacted me because we're just very different - different age groups, different hobbies, different life goals. But I'm a bit puzzled as to why there still apparently isn't a match even though I picked out guys who claimed to be looking for pretty much what I'm offering, and we're very similar in lots of ways, plus I'm okay looking enough that most people would find me reasonably attractive in a physical sense.

[InspiredbyYou]

Maybe. So why would they write that they like intellectual debates and are turned on by braniacs, if they're looking for something different to that? More to the point, if they're not interested why not click "no thanks" and reject me instead of leaving it hanging?

 

Because in many cases what a guy says he wants on paper and what he actually wants are two very different things.

[Jaytb]

When it comes to other criteria, it doesn't seem wise to compromise on those either. What's the point in dating a guy who says he definitely doesn't want kids and I do? Or a guy who's closer to my mother's age than to mine? Or a guy who is my complete polar opposite when it comes to stuff like hobbies - he says he hates reading, and I want to read books together and have intellectual discussions; he's a party animal and I'm most definitely not. I just think it's a waste of time when there are such glaring incompatibilities up front.

 

well you're not willing to compromise, so clearly you are going to have to spend some time at this, sifting through all the candidates and try to find a match. Did you really think it would be a breeze?

[thegreatmoose]

Even if she's winked you and you know she's interested? You still sit on it for several days before you reply? Can I ask why you wait that long if you're keen, instead of getting straight in there?

The ones that wink at me generally get the quickest replies, but it's taken me as much as a few days to get back to them. I usually try and get back within a day, but it doesn't always happen. Here is why it takes me longer when it does.

 

1) I'm sometimes too busy for a day or two to do anything more than a quick login and sometimes I miss a day.

 

2) When I'm already communicating with other women, sometimes it will take me a bit longer to get back to new one. Someone already communicating means I'm closer to a possible date and if I have limited time I might reply to them first.

 

3) I have to admit, when I really like a woman's profile, I want to make sure I send that perfect first email and sometimes I want to literally sleep on it for a day. Women tend to get a lot of emails and I want mine to stand out if possible.

 

4) I also don't want to look desperate by replying to a wink 10 minutes after I get it.

 

I've even had women not respond to my emails for over 2 weeks. I assume they were not interested and suddenly there's an eamil from them. Maybe they were out of town or dating others or who knows what. It's kind of annoying, but I don't necessarily write them off.

[JellyTot]

well you're not willing to compromise, so clearly you are going to have to spend some time at this, sifting through all the candidates and try to find a match. Did you really think it would be a breeze?

I hoped Maybe I was naive, but I figured that if you could search for people who you had an awful lot in common with, and you were ok looking so there was a good chance of them finding you physically attractive, then it would be pretty easy to find a compatible person.

 

When it comes to compromise, we're not talking about "I like Friends and he likes Star Trek" kind of incompatible, we're talking about "I want kids and he doesn't", or "I want an attractive guy of my own age and he's an old man". I could live with a guy who didn't enjoy dancing or who had different likes and dislikes, or a different diet or whatever, but dating a guy who doesn't want kids or whom I'm not at all attracted to goes waaay beyond compromise

[thegreatmoose]

Yeah I know

There wasn't a match between me and most of the guys who contacted me because we're just very different - different age groups, different hobbies, different life goals. But I'm a bit puzzled as to why there still apparently isn't a match even though I picked out guys who claimed to be looking for pretty much what I'm offering, and we're very similar in lots of ways, plus I'm okay looking enough that most people would find me reasonably attractive in a physical sense.

It's a numbers game. Keep reminding yourself of that. The same thing happens from the other side. I know that all too well.

 

I also eliminate people who are total opposites of me and I think that's a good thing. I don't want to date someone who's life revolves around getting drunk or can't hold an intelligent conversation. Sometimes if they are somewhat different, but have some similarites, I'll give it a chance.

Edited November 26, 2009 by thegreatmoose

[CarrieT]

Welcome to my world (again!), Jelly.

 

I've been on the dating sites for over 18 months and MAYBE had three good dates in that time. And those were all just FIRST dates; no second dates.

 

Most has been what you have described; "wow U R hot" sort of crap or people who don't respond to winks. You have to do more than wink -- if you really ARE interested, tell them so and tell them why. It isn't a guarantee but a mere wink is meaningless.

 

I think you and I are very similar in many regards.

[JellyTot]

It's a numbers game.

The thing that worries me about it being a numbers game is that there aren't actually that many people who I'm really attracted to. I like a quiet, bookish, intellectual kind of guy, but at the same time I don't want a total nerd - I like a guy to be a bit muscular and ok looking too. That eliminates a LOT of potential dates for being either too nerdy or not nerdy enough

 

I've been on the dating sites for over 18 months and MAYBE had three good dates in that time. And those were all just FIRST dates; no second dates.

Wow, those were three expensive dates, considering how much dating site subscriptions cost!

 

Most has been what you have described; "wow U R hot" sort of crap or people who don't respond to winks. You have to do more than wink -- if you really ARE interested, tell them so and tell them why. It isn't a guarantee but a mere wink is meaningless.

I just figured that it would be useful to establish mutual interest before I go composing emails about how great he sounds. So I wink, and he either emails back because he knows I'm interested and receptive to his flattery, or he winks back and then I email him because I know he's receptive. That's what I figured anyway. You think the best approach is to send an email instead of winking first?

[Boundary Problem]

The thing that worries me about it being a numbers game is that there aren't actually that many people who I'm really attracted to. I like a quiet, bookish, intellectual kind of guy, but at the same time I don't want a total nerd - I like a guy to be a bit muscular and ok looking too. That eliminates a LOT of potential dates for being either too nerdy or not nerdy enough

 

 

How about golfing lessons, or playing golf. Lots of nerdy, quiet bookish intellectual guys on the golf course. I understand where you are coming from. I'm so picky I'm ridiculous. I only like INTP personality men (they live in their minds, and when they do venture out - they are larger than life - very fascinating men).

 

Those dating sites on the internet seem to be just a waste of time. To pick someone solely based on some photo seems to be ridiculous to me. I'm not photogenic, so I actually don't photograph that well. But no one complains about my looks.

 

I just think if one were serious about wanting male companionship that the golf course would be a better place to invest 4 hours, rather than Plenty of Fish or eHarmony.

[JellyTot]

Lol, I just received an email from an extremely tall and handsome 27 year old British doctor living in London! He says he doesn't get out much because of work, and he thinks I'm beautiful and I sound intelligent and fun

 

Now by anyone's standards he's something of a catch, so you'd think that if he likes me, some of the guys I'm interested in who live closer would like me too! Aaaaarrrgghh, if only he lived a few thousand miles closer to me! It's so frustrating

[JellyTot]

I only like INTP personality men (they live in their minds, and when they do venture out - they are larger than life - very fascinating men).

I am an INFJ

 

Apparently we have difficulty connectiong with people and don't enjoy random hookups because we desire to form deep bonds with people, plus we are rather perfectionist in relationships. That sounds exactly like me

[boogieboy]

Yeah I know

There wasn't a match between me and most of the guys who contacted me because we're just very different - different age groups, different hobbies, different life goals. But I'm a bit puzzled as to why there still apparently isn't a match even though I picked out guys who claimed to be looking for pretty much what I'm offering, and we're very similar in lots of ways, plus I'm okay looking enough that most people would find me reasonably attractive in a physical sense.

 

Heres a reality check for you with dating sites. You never actually get what you WANT. You get what you can. Those PHD guys you want are emailing young blond women with slender bodies. You have a lotterys chance of finding someone worthy of a second date on that site, but its only been 2 weeks. If you cant do it IRL, its gonna be 50 times harder for you online...and youre only using 1 site! Better venture out and use 5 sites. Also remember your profile is meaningless if your face doesnt catch their eyes first.

[BobSacamento]

This thread pretty much sheds some light into the female mind with online dating. As I suspected the high volume of interest from morons just writing "wow ur hot" gives them a sense of entitlement. This leads to potential matches being rejected based on petty things.